Goals?? Resolutions??

Ok... the blog world is packed full of posts like this. Sorry.

There are the obvious ones: make better food choices and exercise more, stop smoking, spend more quality time with Bean, pick up after myself and train other family members to do the same, clean on a schedule.

There are the intelligent ones: do all of my homework - including the reading in a timely manner, read each book club book twice and research the book BEFORE the meeting, stop buying yarn/yarn books that are for projects I'll never even start.

There are the personal growth ones: learn to forgive myself, host more dinner parties, learn to cook something complicated.

~~BUT~~

Why do we feel the need to reorganize our lives (if only mentally) every year and why does it not work? Ever?? Is it that the beginning of a "new year" causes unrealistic idealistic visions of ourselves that we feel compelled to achieve? Buying as new house caused something similar for me. Moving in I kept thinking, "No more dishes in the sink EVER!!! We can keep the dishes clean all the time now that we have a dishwasher." Guess what's in my sink right now. Just guess.

I think I'm going to try to subscribe to the "change one thing" mentality. Every month I'm going to try to change one thing I don't like and see if at the end of the year I have made anything that resembles progress. We'll see.

One thing I am going to try is Project 365. My plan is to start another blog and post a picture and a caption for every day... could be fun! Could be really, really boring.

Things My Husband Can Never Know

1. Shortly before we started dating I made out with our friend Joel. It wasn't a big deal and it didn't "go" very far, but it would make my husband uncomfortable if he knew so we just don't talk about it.

2. I don't really like jazz. I try to, and I can appreciate some jazz-related things, but on the whole I'd rather listen to the Winnie the Pooh soundtrack.

3. I went to Sam's Club today. I was hungry and alone. Let's just say that if you're in need of crackers, tuna, brownie mix, cheese, peanut butter, cream puffs, those clear plastic nacho trays, trash bags, mini candy bars or mechanical pencils just give me a call.

Post Christmas

Is anyone else relieved that Christmas is finally over?

Everyone seemed really pleased with their gifts. I bought my dad a shirt that says, "I'm kind of a big deal." It made him laugh and he wore it all Christmas Day. I didn't see my sister but my mom reported that the kids all liked their presents.

The husband bought me a nice necklace and a season of Gilmore Girls. I bought him a Notre Dame sweatshirt and some CDs and some pj's and a book. I also bid on some Notre Dame posters for the den and won but they haven't gotten here yet so he doesn't know. He felt bad because I bought him so much more than he bought me... but since I ordered something for myself every time I placed an order online I assured him that I was fine. More than fine. Ahava bath salts and knitting books and a CD and yarn. I probably spent more on myself than on everyone combined! Oops.

Christmas Eve in the new house was fine - the whole family (minus my sister) came over - even my mother in law was there. The house was clean, my curtains were hung by my dad the day before and the cats were in good spirits.

Christmas Day I worked until 3 and then took a looooong nap. The husband and I played video games (I got The Sims 2 for the PC, he got some wrestling game for the Playstation. We can now sit in the den together and play mindless games for hours) and then I made spaghetti. While I still can't take a day off from work I have managed to only go in for a few hours at a time. Today I slept until after 1. Life is rough.

I went to Target (love me some Target) the day after Christmas and bought the LAST wreath storage box. I also picked up a huge Rubbermaid container to store the tree. It was sort of a madhouse (shocker). Soccer moms and old ladies running wild with 75% off signs fluttering like confetti around them. It was something.

I did not finish Bean's shrug. I sewed one sleeve and it's too tight for her. Crap.
Also, the collar was a little off center. Double crap.
Well, I'll try again some other time... I do love the Knitpicks superwash. I will measure her fully and start the sweater pattern I bought so many months ago.

I just lack the motivation to do anything right now. I'm tired but not ready for sleep, I'm bored but I can't concentrate on my book, there isn't anything on TV and I don't want to clean. As much as I love time off and sleeping all day I really do need structure in my days.

The husband has gone back to work. He still hates it but I think it's good for him to get out of the house. Lord knows it's good for me to have him out of the house. Seriously. Not to mention the paycheck. I do wish he would find another job that wouldn't make him so crazy, but I think that he is still trying to figure out who he is and what he wants from his life. His dad's main goal in life was to take care of his family and keep them comfortable. I think that he wants so much to be like his dad and he's just trying to figure out how to do that.

Christmas Already?

Seriously, it doesn't feel like Christmas Eve is tomorrow. My tree is up, presents are (mostly) wrapped, and my house is so close to being ready for the family to come over. There is candy in dishes and little snowmen all over the house. There is special soap in the bathroom and pretty hand towels.

I am so tired. My husband has hurt his foot (again). And between the pain and immobility and the raging grief he is running me into the ground. And I can't show frustration with him for any of it. He is so needy right now... and he hates being needy. So he's grief-stricken and grumpy and needy and like, four of the other seven evil dwarfs. Just call me Snow.

And I have this cold/flu thing. And all I want to do is sleep.

I need some cheese to go with all the whine, right? It will get better... once his foot is healed and we can deal with just the grief it will be better. Grief is so complicated and this is the first real batch he has ever had. And losing a parent is complicated - regardless of age or relationship.
I took some time off this week to be at home with him, and I feel a little guilty right now because it is sort of a relief to be at work.

My parents are coming over today to help me hang my curtains and finish the house for tomorrow. They are so great. My dad has been really great with the husband - his dad died eleven years ago and it was really difficult on him. He hugged the husband the other night - it was sweet and awkward and unexpected.

I was feeling sort of bad because dad said I should patch things up with my sister. (Why me? I did NOTHING wrong, damn it!!) I decided to be the bigger person, (the GROWN-UP, drippy head) and called her about two weeks ago. She didn't call back so I called again last Monday. I basically said, "Hey, Christmas Eve at my house, hope you can come. You didn't call me back so I can only assume you're still mad at me... I wish we could get past this but that's up to you." So she calls back that night and says, "I didn't call back because I was BUSY. I have PLANS Christmas Eve so I won't be there. I'll be at mom and dad's Christmas Day." Her tone was cold and snotty. I'm done worrying about it. Even dad says I've done what I could do.

I'm trying to be FRICKIN' MERRY but it's FRICKIN' EXHAUSTING!

I keep reminding myself that what my father in law always said when things were bad - even when his cancer was spreading out of control and his arthritis was so bad he couldn't walk. He always said, "Somebody out there has it worse than me." And he was right. This year brought a lot of grief and sadness, but it also brought a lot of good things.

1. We bought a house. Wow. Something we thought we were YEARS away from.
2. Our marriage is stronger than ever. If we can come through the things we have in the two years we've been married we can make it through anything.
3. Our daughter is sweet, creative, smart and funny.
4. I am closer to my parents than I was a year ago.
5. I still have a 4.0 in grad school, so all of my hard work and sacrifice is really FOR something.
6. The Democrats KILLED in November. Party on party!

That's all I can come up with right now... but coming up with six whole things is a huge achievement these days.

Have a good Christmas everyone, and let's hope that 2007 doesn't suck.

Cats! The Home Version

This is Serena's initial reaction to the new kitten. As you can see, she is not at all pleased. She is hiding in the laundry room as far under the futon as she can get. She hissed and carried on like a drama queen if anyone came in the room.


Then she moved on to the dining room chairs. From this hiding place she could watch the kitten (and the humans playing with the kitten) and still remain aloof. We have made some progress since these were taken... she has stopped hissing every time the kitten is in the room and she has actually allowed the kitten to approach and sniff.


I was allowed to touch her today for a few seconds.
She even managed a purr or two.




So what foul creature has caused all of this fuss?





This is the kitten in question. Her name is Sammy and she really is a sweetie. No wonder Serena hates her.



Who could resist this wubbie face??

Diversion

We got the kitten on Thursday night. Her name is Sammy and she is the sweetest little ball of purr I've ever seen. I would have a picture of her, but she moves so fast and is so intrigued by the camera that I can't get a good shot. Serena is... well... pissed off and not shy about it. She hisses anytime she sees the kitten and growls if she gets too close. We kept them separated for a few days and allowed supervised visitation for a few hours at a time. Serena is no threat to Sammy, as she runs away and hides if Sammy approaches too quickly.
Serena is officially not speaking to anyone in the family. We refer to this as the "teenager cat syndrome." My parent's cat Toby did the same thing when baby Tigger appeared. Occasionally Serena will allow a few seconds of chin rubbing or ear scratching, but there is no purring, there is no sleeping at the foot of the bed, there is no drooling. I am actually ok with that last one.
Sammy has provided my husband with a little diversion and a little kitty comfort. It has been such a good thing for him.
He is hurting in a way that I can not even imagine - he's not even 30 yet and his dad was only 63. How do you deal with the loss of a parent? Also, my husband is something of a late bloomer - and by that I mean that until about 3 years ago he was living in his parent's basement, drinking his way through college and working at the station as a student ($6.75 and hour). Now suddenly he's a husband and a dad and a homeowner. This whole "grown up" thing is hard to get used to... and now he has this responsibility to his mother and his father is gone. I imagine he feels like there is no net below him, no light to guide him and a lot of unbalanced weight on his shoulders.
The kitten, though, is giving him moments of laughter. She climbs on him and settles next to his ear with her loud purr, she chases her tail and the other cat and shadows. Last night we were talking and he was very sad and in the conversational pauses where I would be saying "Uh huh" or "oh" she was "murrping." Does your cat do that? It's a cross between a meow and a purr. He couldn't help but laugh, which made her roll around and be cute. I'm so glad we got that kitten.
Bean picked out another kitten originally. A tiny, jumpy little thing. Sammy is about 4 months old and is much more sturdy and settled. As I was getting ready to complete the adoption with "Muffin," Bean said, "Mom, there's this other kitten I like." I was sort of annoyed because just five minutes before she was certain that "Muffin" was the kitten for us. But picking out a kitten is not something you want to rush. She took me over to Sammy's cage and Sammy stretched out on her side, sticking both paws between the bars. She murrped and closed her eyes and purred. "Wow," I said. Bean nodded and said, "I know."
When I left this morning, the husband was asleep (finally) and the kitten was curled up on him with her chin sort of tucked into the side of his neck. I could hear her purr from the door. I believe that cats sense moods and I believe in the healing powers of purr. When I was about twelve weeks pregnant with Bean I was on bed rest for spotting. We had two cats (the small one was 20 pounds) and they stayed beside me purring the whole time I was in bed. They would position themselves so that they were on either side of my hips with their heads resting on my tummy. When they moved it was one across my tummy and one across my thighs. They were protecting the baby.
Now Sammy is "in charge" of the husband. I know that a kitten will not fix the hurt and sadness that he is feeling, but she is doing something important and I love her for it.

My father in law died last night. Hospice was with him - we arrived soon after. It is so hard on my husband and his mother, but for him it's better that it was over so fast.
I don't have much to say about it or anything else today. The funeral is Tuesday...

Who Am I Kidding??

I left my breakfast yogurt on the kitchen counter this morning and didn't stop for anything on the way in. When I got to work there was a caramel chocolate silk pecan pie. I walked by it like I didn't even see it and then sat here at my desk thinking about it. I was going to just let it go. Not eat the pie, resist the sugar.
Right.
It was really good!!

So I did buy a tree on Sunday and we put it up and that inspired me to unpack and organize. We're not done, but there has been real progress over the last few days. Today is trash day so I got rid of a LOT of boxes and, you know, stuff. It is still amazing to me how much crap we have that doesn't go anywhere or belong with anything but that we still can't manage to get rid of.
Tonight I'm having dinner with a new friend - someone from my knitting group - and then we're going to decorate the poor naked tree.
Can I just say? I love my knitting group. A lot. I have made really good friends and have branched out a lot in terms of what I'll knit. Our group was in the newspaper not long ago and every meeting seems to bring new members and that is so cool!
I am not much of a joiner. And by that I mean, I would rather sit at home in my jammies and watch TV and read and knit than try something new and despite all outward appearances I am terribly shy and convinced that every new encounter is a potential for ridicule. I almost didn't go to the first knitting meeting because I had a panic attack on the way there. I was convinced that I would spill coffee all over myself - or someone else and their expensive dry-clean-only yarn. Or I would say something stupid. Or suddenly have Tourette's syndrome or something. The husband urged me to go and then I met K and everyone was nice. And I got to know some members through their blogs (Hi Lia! Glad Sahale is better. Hi Jackie! Ready for Christmas?). And others through meetings. And Bean has made friends. I feel really lucky, but also really proud of myself. I think the things that frighten us can sometimes hide opportunities. If I had not gone to the meeting despite my anxiety I would not have met all of these wonderful women.
I don't do New Year's Resolutions. They're forced and I always break them. Usually within the first 24 hours. But I did make an effort to explore the things that make me anxious. I think it's worked out pretty well - I bought a house, I joined a group, I worked at Hospice in nursing homes, I revisited my feelings about anti-depressants.
I called my sister. Yup. I called her and left a message about Christmas Eve and let her know what time we'd be getting together and then I asked her what to get for my nephew. He (literally) circled everything that was not a doll in the Toys R Us Big Book at my parent's house. That does not narrow it down. That was Sunday night. Apparently I am still not forgiven.
Seriously. I'm alternating between anger and hurt and have found a nice middle ground between the two and it feels like crap. But at least I called her. At least I made an effort.
Knit on, Knitters! I have a little more on the back and then the second sleeve still to go on the shrug. I'm hoping to knit a lot today. Wish me luck!!

The best thing about yesterday...

... is that I never have to do it again.

The best thing about today? I have a lunch date with Lara. And also? It's Sunday so the new Target sale ad is out. I was going to wait until after Christmas to try to buy a new Christmas tree but they're on sale this week at Target. The pretty, pre-lit ones. Hmmmmmmm.
It would be really cool to have a new tree up and ready to decorate when Bean comes home tomorrow. We could even bake cookies or something. I have been actively unpacking in the living room and am making progress. If I do not come home from my lunch date (and Target) and take a long nap I might finish the living room today. That would rock. I was up late with the husband last night, though, and was up at early-as-fuck-thirty this morning for work.

My father in law is not settling in well at all. My husband and his mom are more or less inconsolable. From a "social worker" standpoint everything looks pretty typical and the nursing home is nice and clean and they seem to be pretty good about cleaning and changing the patients. From a family member standpoint it is scary and he is not getting individualized attention and he's alone and scared and wants to come home.
Everything that can be done is being done and it will all be over soon... it's sad that that is the most comforting thing I can say to either of them.

Right, so Merry Christmas?

I have completely lost track of who I have and have not bought gifts for. I bought the coolest thing for my brother (who is seriously impossible to shop for) and then I drew his name in the family drawing... I should back up - we meet Christmas Eve in the afternoon with my mom's family at my grandmother's house (well, my house now) for a late lunch and then we exchange gifts with them. We draw names at Thanksgiving and only have to buy for one person. It's sort of nice. Then later that night we go to my parent's house, minus the grandmother and the uncle we don't like (who is married to the aunt we do like) to exchange gifts as a family. So this year I drew my brother's name and need to buy two gifts for him... which would be fine if he weren't so impossible. He's 20, buys clothes at thrift shops, has very eccentric taste in music and doesn't read or watch DVD's. The husband drew the uncle that we don't like and so I also have to come up with something for him. Maybe a nice sweater or something. Bah humbug.

Here's the other thing I don't like about Christmas - and then I'll stop complaining about it, I promise. You have to buy gifts for people you don't want to talk to, let alone spend money on. That uncle, my sister, my dad (the bad one, not the good one). And then there are people I want to buy gifts for, but I don't want them to feel like they're obligated to reciprocate.

I need to cook something. A ham or some other wintery comfort food. Maybe some chili... We bought a membership to Sam's Club yesterday - that was our afternoon diversion. It was way to early in the day to start drinking heavily so we went in for some retail therapy. It was also "sample Saturday" so we got a snacky bonus, too. We were fairly restrained in our purchasing, but I did buy a ginormous box of brownie mix. The husband was like a small child at FAO Schwartz. He saw a gallon jug of Frank's Hot Sauce and I thought he was going to break out in song. As diversions go it was pretty good. Strange, I know, but effective.

I think I am going to buy that tree. And I'm going to focus on the living room today. We could really use some holiday cheer at home. And while I'm at the Super Target I'll buy something hearty that needs to be simmered for dinner.

Small, Good Things

This weekend is turning into a study of opposite emotions.

Watch:

The new Knitty is out!! There are some really great patterns - including one by Becca. I might just let Bean grow her hair out so that I can make one of those for her!! Actually, my sister often puts her daughter's hair in piggie tails so maybe I'll make one for her. (A knitted olive branch, so to speak).

I was going to spend this whole weekend unpacking, but today I have to drive to a town an hour away for a funeral and then I'm going to go visit my father in law in the nursing home. We got him settled in yesterday... when they came for him he was wearing sweat pants and a hooded sweatshirt and up on the gurney all bundled in he looked so small and vulnerable. It was like sending a seven-year-old to sleep away camp. I went on to the Walgreens website last night and had prints made of three of our wedding pictures. One of Bean, one of the husband and I and one of my in-laws. I'm putting them in frames for his room. He also needed socks so I went to Wal Mart late last night and I was standing in front of the wall 'o socks and I suddenly had no idea what socks to buy. I was anxious about picking exactly the right kind - as though picking the right socks would be his talisman and the wrong socks would make everything worse.

Before Wal Mart and sock anxiety I went to dinner and a movie (Stranger than Fiction, yes, it's very good) with Andie and Kerri and another woman from work. We have invited her before but this is the first time she has decided to come. She's really quite shy and her husband died a year ago - this whole year has been really difficult for her. I was really glad she came and we all had a nice time.

The husband is not dealing with any of this very well. Nothing new there. When I got home last night he was tipsy... which is to say he was so drunk he was easy to tip over. He and his idiot friend were drinking and playing video games until very very late. I think he came to bed around 4. He has not been working as much as he said we would be - and while I understand that this week has been really emotionally challenging, EVERY week has been emotionally challenging. Every single one. I wish I could sneak some of my new happy pills into his water every morning. I wish he would quit drinking so much.

Tomorrow Lara and I are meeting for lunch!! I haven't seen her for a long time and I am really looking forward to talking to her. (Hi, Lara! Is it Sunday yet?)

I think that this list really makes the case for small, simple good things making all the difference. There are a lot of serious and sad and frustrating things going on, but the small things are keeping me afloat. I think that's an important thing to remember, and I think that's why choosing socks for my father in law became so suddenly important.

I'm going to try to remember to find small god things when I need them and provide small good things to others when I don't.

I'm knitting! I'm knitting!!

My hands are cooperating so far. I have finished the first sleeve and am working on the back of Bean's shrug. It knits flat so there will be some sewing (ack!) and I positioned it around her arm and the wrist is a teeny bit tight but the rest of it seems like it will fit well. Maybe I can figure out a way to add a little to it as I'm sewing it up. (Suggestions welcome, don't be shy).

(Some not so happy stuff to follow - just a warning).

I had a dream last night that I went to the Hospice office and everyone kept saying they were so sorry that my father in law died. I said, "No, you must mean that DG died." When I got to Hospice today I found out that DG died last night. Weird timing. It's sad, but he had declined so fast that it's really so much better for him to not be fighting anymore.

My father in law is going to a nursing home tomorrow. There is this strange relief that my husband and his mom are feeling. They feel guilty about not being able to take care of him at home but they also know that he will be better off not at home. I doubt he has more than a few more weeks left.

Back to knitting... it's my therapy and I'm on a deadline.

Pretending to work

I'm getting really good at it. I've spent the morning playing Sims 2 on my phone and spider solitaire on my computer. I've checked my email and eaten lunch and finished a paper I have to hand in today. I had a "meeting" with Andie in the control room and now I'm blogging. I'm killing time until I have to go to class... and waiting for the UPS guy to bring my Knitpicks yarn. But I am becoming scary good at this pretending to work thing. There are things I can be doing, but then what would I do on the weekends??
They will be so much better off without me!! They will actually hire someone who will do actual work... and it's not like my job isn't getting done! It's just that it doesn't take me very long to do the things I need to do. I can't believe I get paid for this.
I am no longer allowed to complain about how much money I don't make.

Time for class!!

I don't know where they came from!

I really don't! I was just sitting here at work, you know, working and stuff when the mailman showed up with these three knitting books! I am totally innocent. I would never order stuff for myself this close to Christmas. And I know that the LAST think I need is more books.

Zen and the Art of Knitting by Bernadette Murphy
Felted Knits by Beverly Galeskas
and
Knitted Toys by Zoe Mellor

Under the category of "progress" my hand still hurts but I was able to eat with chopsticks today at lunch. That's a good sign, right??

My Knitpicks order for Bean's shrug should be here tomorrow, and since it must be done by the 14th (what was I thinking???) I'll have to start on it right away and knit through. It's not like I have anything else to do, right?? I DID unpack several (ok, three) boxes last night and I put the new sweeper away. The husband will be at work when I get home today and I generally get a lot more done when he's not home. I am not entirely sure why this is.

I made dinner again last night - a Rachel Ray recipe that I watched a few days ago - smoked pork chops fried (in EVOO) with onions and apples and then the last step involves deglazing the pan with dark German beer. Seriously. And we ate as a family at the dinner table for the first time in our new house. It was really nice.

Must find my camera by tomorrow to document the knitting progress of the shrug. (I think I can, I think I can).

Bean and I are having lunch today from our Laptop Lunches. I hope she likes hers as much as I like mine!! Tuna salad sandwiches and crackers and an apple and she has cheese in hers - there was only one round left so she got it. It's the right size and the variety makes it seem like more food.

I read an article recently that was talking about blogs... it was called something like "Nobody cares what you had for lunch." Sorry, but it really was a good lunch and the new lunchboxes are really cool. And I ate something besides fast food and sugar. Yay me! When we got our lunchboxes there were a few broken things and I called today and they were very cool about it and are sending out replacement parts. That's the coolest part yet.

I turned my keys in to the landlord today (finally). We are totally done with that house. It is such a great feeling. He asked me if I knew anyone else looking to rent. As if! First of all, almost everyone I know is in the market to buy a house and SECOND, that house was a disgusting death trap. I wouldn't encourage someone I hate to rent that house. Jeez.

Now I must unpack. I did manage to unpack three boxes in the kitchen last night - and I cooked dinner. Yes, I cooked dinner. Actual food that was not from a restaurant OR the grocery store deli. And I loaded the dishwasher and showed the husband how to start it so there are officially NO EXCUSES for dishes to be in the sink. Yay!

Well, looks like another short blog again today... when I unpack my camera I'll try to get more pictures in!

Anyone have an extra clue I can borrow??

So here's how not smart I am. How very, very out of touch with reality I really am. See this lovely shrug? This lovely, ruffled shrug?

I just ordered the pattern and the yarn... and paid extra to put a rush on the shipping of the yarn and pattern so that I could knit this in black to go over a red short-sleeved dress I bought for Bean to wear to her Holiday concert ON DECEMBER FOURTEENTH. For fuck's sake.

Oh, and I still haven't managed to knit anything at all yet, what with the pain in my hand and all.

Um, and I have never knitted a shrug. Or ruffles.

But we were out today and she saw this pretty red dress with short sleeves (in DECEMBER, people! Would it really be too much to ask for designers to clue in to the fact that we want our daughters to not catch pneumonia in their Christmas dresses??) that would look fantastic with a little wrap. We couldn't find one to match it in the store, but she looked at me and said, "You could knit something like that though, right?" And I heard myself say, "Sure! I'll look for a pattern tonight!"

For the love of sheep.

So IF it comes when it is supposed to (Wednesday) I will have a week and part of a day to make something I have never made before. All 5 skeins worth.

And I haven't unpacked my house yet, either.

Optimism? Really??

I am trying to remain (uncharacteristically) optimistic about my right hand. The tendon issue isn't much better this morning. (Perhaps I ought NOT to type, eh?)
I downloaded some nice wintry patterns to go with the snow (that should melt by Monday - it's warming up considerably in the next few days). Surely by next weekend I'll be able to knit again, right? I am still in a bit of shock about all the snow. We never get that much snow. In recent years we've had three to five inches of ICE at a time, but rarely have we gotten the big flake, packable, drifty snow.
I hate feeling pukey in the mornings. I feel like I did when I was pregnant with Bean - sort of a carsick/spinning around/bad food combo feeling. If I were pregnant I would embrace this pukey-ness. I, of course, am decidedly not pregnant. The irony of the whole situation is that I feel so shitty in the morning because of the anti-depressant I am taking before bed. The anti-depressant I am taking before bed is helping me get through the fact that I feel shitty and am not pregnant. Of course, it's also helping me get through the Holidays and the, you know, Regular-days without snapping. Or collapsing. Or staying in bed for days and days and days at a time. (I love you, Cymbalta).
Speaking of pregnant, my cousin is going to have another baby (yay!!). She's such a good mom. And I have a baby to knit for!! A baby whose mommy will appreciate it. A baby whose mommy is not an idiot. A baby whose mommy does not knit!! (If I lived closer I'd work on that one). So my hand must heal. My hand must return to knitty functional. There is a baby coming in May who needs hand-knits.

Knitting Hurts.

I don't know what to do. I have done something to my hand during the move and all of the carrying and cleaning and disassembling and reassembling and stuff. It's a tendon or something in my little finger... I tried to work on Bean's log cabin blanket (yes, I'm still working on that) and I can't even garter stitch. This sucks. A lot.

In other knitting news, I am in love with my DVR... I set it to record Knitty Gritty. I could never remember when it was on and always ended up watching the same episode. There are only so many times you can watch them make an illusion scarf. This episode was about making a scarf and wrist warmers using the Fibonacci sequence. I don't know that I would have used the yarns they did... I was not really fond of the finished product... scraggly and furry is apparently "in" right now. Oh well.

I spent most of the day in bed today... serious headache and after yesterday I needed some time to not move. At all. I watched a couple of judge shows and a movie and I slept a lot. Then I got up and went to work (and took some more headache medicine) and picked Bean up from her dad's house. Tonight was the book club and we had a really nice time... but now my headache is coming back and I'm pissed that I can't knit and I want another seven or eight days like today (minus the headache) to sleep and watch bad TV and not do anything.

Tomorrow I have to work early and then I need to go and see my "difficult" patient. He's not so difficult anymore... he is declining really fast and my boss said she thought he might not last the weekend. It is really sad - I know that he is alone because of the choices he made in his life, but even people who make horrible choices deserve to have some peace at the end of their lives. I hope his son comes this weekend.

Done. Fini. Buh-bye.

I am officially out of the old yucky house. It is cleaner than it was the entire time we lived there and all I have to do is hand over the keys.
Finally.
I have had a cocktail and a bath.
There was a winter weather advisory this morning and the schools were closed... I thought, "Bah, we never get as much snow as they say we're going to." Uh-huh. As I was driving with my first load, which included the chiminea, the snow was so heavy and the wind so strong that I could barely see the car in front of me. The windchill was -1. My car was parked in front of the station for less than an hour and I had a good inch of snow on my windows.
I cleaned and I cleaned and I cleaned. The junk guys came at about 3. When I showed them the stuff that needed to go they were visibly shaken. Seriously. One of them said, "Wow, I thought this was only going to take a few minutes." I said, "Nope, we're filling the truck." These guys were great - polite and fast and they repair and donate what they can and recycle what they can so that they are throwing away as little as possible. It was worth every penny I gave them. (I gave them a LOT of pennies). They almost wouldn't let me tip them!
I'm hoping that things stay closed tomorrow so that I can stay in bed all morning and not feel so guilty... Bean is with her dad and if there's no school tomorrow I'm supposed to pick her up at one. That gives me hours and hours to just be in bed with my blankets and my DVR. I have TV shows and movies and comedy specials all waiting for me to just veg out.
Yes, we still need to unpack and put things away, but I need some time to not do anything. Seriously.
Here's hoping for more snow!

Cold cold

It's really cold today. Cold like the high temperature for today was at 4:00 this morning and the temperatures will drop all day and it will be windy and grey and horrid. And there might be snow. Or freezing rain.
Really cold.
And this morning, Bean tried to wear Capri jeans that she wore yesterday. Oh, and also the day before. I said, "It's going to be really cold today, you need to find some real jeans."
She said, "I can't find any."
"Look in the laundry room."
"I did. There aren't any jeans in there at all." Uh-huh. I walked her into the laundry room, picked up two pairs of appropriate jeans and tossed them to her.
"It helps to actually ENTER the laundry room if you're looking for something, you know, IN the laundry room."
For the love of blind sheep.
is it Friday yet??
I am really looking forward to Friday for several reasons... it is the book club day and that's always fun - and I finished the book a whole week early!!
Friday is also the first day that we will not be connected to the old house. For better or worse we are done with that pit on Thursday. The junk guys are coming between 2 and 4 and then I'm cleaning and then I'm not ever going back. I am ready to focus on the new house. Ready to find permanent homes for all of the stuff we own and ready to get rid of the things we really don't need. Like the four potato peelers we have. Seriously, four. I also found three pizza cutters. The most surprising thing to me was that I only actually own one corkscrew. You'd think I'd have five or six of those puppies laying around in various rooms of the house. Lord knows I drink wine more often than I peel potatoes.
Especially now that Country Crock is doing all the work and all. (Have you tried them? They're like honest-to-spud potatoes! The garlic ones rock).
I tried to make dinner last night. I did!! But after I pulled out all of the ingredients I couldn't find the pan I needed. Anywhere. I checked the cabinets and the boxes in the kitchen, then I checked the boxes in the dining room and the living room. I sent Bean to look in the boxes in the bedrooms and then I gave up, put everything else away and called for pizza. Screw it. (In a sick twist of irony, the husband couldn't find a pizza cutter in the drawer and said he thought we needed to buy one. I found the one I kept and managed to refrain from smacking him.
I need to go to the store... I have a feeling that wine is something I'm going to want on hand for the remainder of the holiday season.
Cheers!
So the sleet has started... it looks like rain but is much louder. I wish I were home in pj's, drinking coffee and knitting. I wish I did not have to go to class today. I wish the sleet would turn to snow - prettier and less likely to cause me to fall on my ass. My office has a big window that is right behind my chair. It is never warm enough here. I am frantically trying to come up with a reason not to go to class... but we have presentations today and then there is only one more week left.
Everybody stay warm and drive safe!!

Knit or Go Home!

Did anyone else see Gilmore Girls tonight?? They had a Knit-a-Thon to raise money for a new bridge. Awesome!! Lorelai wore a black shirt with a skull on it that said, "Knit or Go Home." I thought it was grand.

I love Gilmore Girls.

I want to live in Stars Hollow.

Books books books

So I think that we have finally moved all of the books from the old house to the new house... except for my cookbooks, which the husband is moving today... I have three bookshelves in the living room, one in the den, one in the bedroom and two little ones in the dining room. All full. So what did I do today??
I ordered three knitting books from overstock.com on a tip from a friendly fellow knitter. Damn it. I had ordered three books and entered my credit card info before I even realized what I was doing!! Also, while I was Christmas shopping on Amazon I might have added this book to my cart. Maybe.
Heh heh heh.
I had Andie and Kerri over for a "Bachelor" party last night. We ate "Chicken Liz" (recipe to follow) and drank wine and watched the season finale of The Bachelor. Can I just say? What a fucking toad that prince turned out to be. If I were Sadie I would have socked him in his ugly, bad-kissing mouth. "I'd rather be with her," what the hell kind of shitty comment is that? He sucks. (Granted, if Sadie had said the word "virgin" one more time I was going to lose it, but seriously? What a jerk). Sadie's mom was wearing some lovely knits, btw. I am covetous of that sweater.

So, "Chicken Liz"
1 package frozen chicken (one of the big ones)
1 large can (or 2 small cans) enchilada sauce
1 can black beans, drained
1 can corn, drained

Throw this all in the crock pot on low for... you know... however long you're gone. I do it in the morning and we have it for dinner.
Shred the chicken (two forks works well) and serve on tortillas with shredded cheese and sour cream.
Or serve over lettuce with light ranch dressing.
Or eat the chicken all alone with a little Mexican rice.

It also freezes well.

I also have my TV back. The DVR is in my room (heh heh heh). I woke up earlier than usual this morning and set it to record three movies that I haven't seen yet. I may never leave my bedroom again. Luckily, there are lots of things that need to be unpacked in my room so I have an excuse to stay in there for awhile!!

Christmas Shopping

Is it too early for a Christmas post? Probably. I'm generally of the bah-humbug sort. I have friends who went shopping on Black Friday and while I'm sure they got great deals, seriously? Y'all are nuts! Crazytown. There is not a deal in the world good enough to get me close to a mall - or even a Target the day after Thanksgiving.
At first I thought I didn't like Christmas because my grandmother really "made" Christmas for my family and after she died it was impossible to re-create. I thought maybe it could be how commercial the holiday has become. Then I realized that while that is certainly part of it, the main reason I don't get along with Christmas is because I spend most of my time in a flat-out run trying to get things done and finish running errands and baking. And then there's the fact that I generally have to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so I'm scurrying around trying to get from one place to the other without being late anywhere.
And I hate the mall.
And I'm usually broke.
But this year I have a house to decorate and even though I usually hate that sort of thing I'm sort of enjoying it. I have also managed to get half of my list finished in the last 24 hours, thanks in large part to Amazon.com. Gotta love the internets.
Christmas Eve is on a Sunday this year, which means I will be off work by noon and can get ready for my family to (invade) come over at a more relaxed pace.
Theoretically.
Unless I'm still trying to clean and bake and have run out of everything I need all at once and need to go to the store on the way home and it takes three hours to get through the line because everyone ELSE also ran out of everything all at once. Then I won't be relaxed at all.

Five more days to be done with the old house. The husband brought a load over yesterday. We also got the stove from my parents and a couch from my grandmother yesterday so that's all of the "big" items that need to be in our house. I meant to get over to the old house but my mom and I went to the mall (bleh) to buy curtains. And there is a Target next to the evil mall, so to cleanse ourselves from mall air we decided to go. I found a TV stand for the den and a shaggy rug for the living room... though now Kerri will think I'm copying her. Which I am. But not in a 'Single White Female' kind of way.
But today I have to go back to the old house. The depressing, dingy, poorly constructed yucky house. I knew I hated that house, I just didn't know HOW MUCH I hated it until I spent serious time in the new, bright, clean, pretty house. Little things... like, the screen door is actually fully attached to the house. And there is room around the beds and tables to walk. The kitchen floor is not painted primer gray. And the windows open. And don't leak when it rains.

Question: Where should the yarn live in the new house?
Answer: Anywhere it wants.

Actually, I have a trunk in my living room that will do nicely. It has blankets in it now, but very soon it will be full of yarn. (Yay!)

Our cat was scared of the house.
It was the funniest (and most pathetic) thing I have ever seen. She was afraid of the ceiling fan in the living room. She was curious about the house but when she would get to the living room she would stop and look up at it and then slink down to the ground and go as fast as she could back to the bedroom and hide under the bed.
She's better now. Apparently she has decided that it is not going to kill us all.
I am relieved, because I have seen enough scary movies to know that cats can see when your house is haunted... I really did not want to either move out or risk being possessed. I love this house.

So it's a really good thing that Bean is spending this week with her dad. She should be very thankful. I spent three hours. THREE HOURS in her room in the old house. For about a month now we have been telling her that she needed to clean her room and start packing her own stuff. She didn't. Of course. She had all of these very carefully arranged little displays of things... like one of those little plastic things that comes with your pizza with two tic tacs on it and little bears around it... ALL OVER THE PLACE. Jeez. And then there was a wooden box that looks sort of like a treasure chest that was full of thousands (seriously, THOUSANDS) of tiny glass beads. I didn't know it was full of beads until the lid opened and they scattered all over the floor.
Her Nindento DS? Upside down on the floor under a pile of trash.
My mother is still laughing.

In other news, we still have a huge mess at the old house and we still have many, many boxes at the new house. We're in a state of flux. Flux sucks.
Oh, and the husband has sprained his foot and is acting like a big wounded bear, slobbering and growling and swiping at everything with his big bear claws. I have hurt my neck again as well, so I have very little patience for his wounded bear routine.
(But I still love my house). (Oh, and my husband, too. Mostly).
Being at the old house is so depressing. The new house is so nice and new and clean and bright and the old house is dark and ugly and dirty. Bleh.

We have to get moving, though. We have until Thursday to get everything out and then I have until Christmas Eve to get my house put away and decorated. That's right, friends! I have totally lost my mind! I'm hosting the family Christmas Eve lunch. We usually have it at my grandmother's house, but she just moved into an assisted living facility and has a lot less room. Also, her cat bothers the allergies of members of our family who are not even allergic to cats. Anyway, we all go over there and have sandwiches and soup and we open presents and have about an hour and a half of uncomfortable conversation and then everyone goes to (their own) church. This year it's at my house. I can do this.

We get our cable back on Monday. It's been a QUIET week at the house with no TV... I sort of liked it, but I am looking forward to having my background noise back. And I'm getting a DVR. Woo Hoo! The sales guy said it would "totally change" the way I watched TV. Awesome. I just hope I don't end up doing something really goofy like recording (and then actually WATCHING) all the reruns of The Facts of Life or something.

Oh, and we're talking about getting Bean a kitten for Christmas. Bad idea, I know. But I think its time. The last hermit crab bit the dust this week. She had it for more than a year... I think she might be ready for a pet that doesn't need to be kept in a glass container.
The husband thinks that Serena will eat a kitten. I think that Serena will be freaked out but will handle it just fine.

First night

We slept at the new house last night. It was really cool... except that I forgot to transfer our cable service ahead of time so we have not TV until Monday... 0h, and our cat is totally traumatized by the whole experience.

I think I'll go to PetCo today and get some kitty treats to soothe her.

The husband did rally on Sunday and we got organized enough for the movers to come and get the big stuff. Now at the old house there is just some miscellaneous crap and dust bunnies bigger than my cat, made (ironically enough) from cat hair. Apparently there were a few places in the house that she loved to just go to sit and shed. Our furniture fits really well in the house and everything looks really good. I almost would rather just abandon the crap left at the old house and start over!! I don't want the old stuff, I want new, shiny, pretty stuff.

My parents and my brother came over last night to bring Bean's new furniture - we ordered pizza and sat around patting each other on the back. We all worked really hard and it really paid off.

When they left I went to pick up the cat and the husband cleaned up the dinner mess while I was gone. I know!! He also took the trash out. Without me asking. Seriously!

I know I should go to the old house and pack some stuff tonight, but I think I'll invite some people over and sit in my living room!!

Progress please!!

So the house is almost ready... we're putting on this "magic shine" stuff on the floors today. Last night mom and I painted (and painted and painted) to try to get the den finished. Then I mopped the floors and the husband came over and we scrubbed paint spots and dried joint compound off them and I mopped again.

The carpet guys are coming tomorrow morning at 7 and the movers will be at our house at 8.

I should be excited. I should be hopping around and feeling all relieved that it's almost over, tight? Um, sure, except that while I've been getting the new house ready the husband was supposed to have been working at the old house. You know, packing. He HAS actually packed a few boxes of books. Not all the books. But a few. And Friday when I asked him to pack the dishes and bring them to the new house and unpack them... well, I guess he thought I was kidding. Our house is a mess. I've gone on and on (and on) about that before, but we have movers... people who we have to pay by the hour to move the heavy stuff... coming in just over 24 hours. And, of course, he's working all day today. So it's me, work then new house then old house to pack all of the stuff he was supposed to have already packed.

The best part? His "reason" for not packing much yesterday was that there were "four really important games on," then he got all hurt when that made me look more angry and said that he knew that I didn't understand how important it was to him. I said, "Well if you were watching four games yesterday that living room could have been completely packed."

And then I went to bed.

There's only so much a girl can take. I have a line from the Margaret Cho concert in my head, "Nobody hate daddy more than mommy." I swear, if we can make it through this move we can make it through anything. I am used to being the main person in charge of getting things done in our house (which would be why so little actually gets done), but I would think that right now - especially when I am so stretched out and have so very little left to give - that he would step up and do more. The crazy thing is that he looks at his boxes of books and feels like he has really accomplished something.

It will all be over in a few days. Once the movers have taken care of the big things we have over a week to box up whatever is left. We're also going to call and have one of the thrift shops come and pick up a bunch of crap. (That would be the garage sale that my mother in law thinks I should have. Screw that. It's worth every cent I might make at a garage sale NOT to have a garage sale. And it's cold).

Anyway... I went to the doctor a few days ago and (surprise, surprise) I'm depressed! My doctor was out sick that day so I saw another doctor in the office. He had me fill out a "depression inventory" ("I often lack the energy to finish tasks," uh huh, "I feel unattractive," yup). So I am now medicated. Don't tell Tom Cruise. It's too soon to tell if it's making a difference, but it is making me sick to my stomach so that's fun! I'm taking it at night so that I can sleep through the worst part of the nausea... but I went to bed late last night so, ugh.

But I have a house that is clean and pretty and nice. I almost don't want to move in and spoil it! I stand in the empty rooms and it's all painted and fresh and I imagine my stuff in there and that's ok... but then I imagine socks on the floor and shoes, and I imagine dirty dishes on the counters and toothpaste gunk in the sink and I want to change the locks and not let anyone else in. I am not a person who likes to clean, and I am certainly not the poster child for organization but I have a lot of time and sweat invested in how pretty the house is and I think I'm getting a little obsessive about it.

I'm going to become my mother.

Lord help me (and my poor family).

No Soup for You!

We had a chance of snow this morning - and a wind advisory. It's hella windy, but no snow. It is grey and cold and yucky, though. Makes me want soup and snuggling and knitting.

I called my friend K to let her know that I'll be going to the knitting meeting tonight and she has made split pea soup and has some frozen for me to take to work tomorrow. K rocks. No Soup For You!
Actually, the knitting meeting is at a restaurant that is supposed to have good soup, so if you come to the meeting tonight and feel so inclined I guess there will be soup for all. But not K's yummy soup. Ha ha. That's mine.

Anyway, test today - didn't really study for it, don't really care.
And I'm at work today getting NOTHING done. Don't care.
And my husband is off again today. (shrug).

I'm on week eleventy thousand of this stupid cold so I finally broke down and called for a Dr's appointment. Apparently the whole entire town has a cold, too because I can't get in until tomorrow. I think I'm going to talk to her about some kind of chemical assistance for my winter blah's. I don't want chemical assistance necessarily, but if there is something that would help me deal with all of this stress and also not want to curl up in a little ball under the bed if my kid has a pony tail after school that might be good. Also, my aversion to Wal Mart is back... that place freaks me out and most of the time it's not a big deal, but around the holidays I feel light-headed just driving by one.

So maybe it's time to purchase some anti-crazy and be done with it. And also, I should start exercising more.
Oh, and not eat Twinkies for lunch. Or Cupcakes. Or Fruit Pies.

Netflix is sending me The Office (the British version) today. Not that I have any time to watch them this weekend. (Not that I won't watch them anyway when I'm supposed to be packing or painting). My friend Kristin said the British version is funnier and that the British Pam is less annoying. I like the American Pam, so it will be interesting to see if I like the British Pam better.

Ok, maybe 'interesting' is stretching it.

I am a financial genius.

Really. They should give me an honorary MBA from Harvard or something.

About a month ago I heard a story (on NPR, obviously) about how easy it is to set up a 529 account for educational expenses. I Googled "529 account," clicked on the first company that popped up and thought, "what the heck!"
Then I forgot all about it.
So a few weeks ago I noticed a mysterious $50 debit on our checking account. It took me a few minutes and then I remembered and thought, "Wow, how smart I am to have set this up. How happy Bean will be when she has this nice chunk of money to use for school." I almost sprained my wrist trying to pat myself on the back.

Last night I woke in the middle of the night and could not for the life of me remember which company I signed up with. I Googled the same search words I used the first time and nothing looked familiar.

I ended up calling.

"Hi, I'm an idiot and I make investment decisions randomly. I signed up for a 529 account and I don't remember with whom. Could you possibly check and see if I'm a customer of yours?"

I found it. And the woman I talked to was very nice and helpful. She didn't call me an idiot. Not even once. She said, "Well random decisions sometimes really work out. Our company is a good decision no matter how you came to it." She gets points for being nice AND for working in that company cheer.

Just can't deal

I got up this morning with the start of a headache and a little (lot) of lingering blues. I have a feeling that this sadness is just the start of the winter blues. Super. I got to Hospice in time for the meeting, but rather than a regular meeting we had a "grief counseling" session. The grief counselor shared a story about his daughter who got cancer and died just after her first birthday. Then he wanted us to share our grief with the group.
Seriously.
Hospice is a big family, and I've been there long enough to get to know people and feel comfortable in the group... but I do not feel comfortable crying uncontrollably alone right now, let alone in a group of people I work with.
Seriously.
I sat there for the almost two hours it lasted and then I booked out of there. I was supposed to visit a couple of patients and do some paperwork. I just had to leave.
I got to the station and got the computer situation under control and was actually feeling more in control...
Then Bean called. Apparently she has an ear infection and tonsillitis. She said she feels ok, just sort of tired. The idiot step-mother said they were going to go home and have soup and snuggle down on the couch. Perfect, right? Except that it makes me feel crappy. When she's sick - especially when she's sick - she should be with me. Of course, it makes much more sense for her to be home with the parent who doesn't work, especially when she's already there... but it's just more of the idiot step mother doing the things I should be doing. I know it's better all around that she has a step-mother who is good with her and can care for her like that.
So I'm going to pick her up tomorrow. If she's feeling better.
More work... ate lunch... head kept hurting.
The engineer caught me crying in the production room and for the rest of the day kept giving me that "are you ok" look.
Head kept hurting.
Got home late and the husband's stupid friend was at the house. Perfect. (Pound, pound, pound).
The husband followed me into the bedroom and kept asking me if I'm ok. No. I'm not ok. I have a whopper of a headache that has been resistant to the medication I've been taking. I had a day full of little annoying things that I have been completely overreacting to and I have a big case of the holiday blues. I have a (messy) house full of crap that has to be cleaned, boxed and moved in the next few days and absolutely no drive to do any of it. I have a sick kid who is being taken care of (probably better than I could right now) by a woman I don't want anywhere near her. I have no money and a list of crap to buy for the house - including a refrigerator.

I would run away but I don't have the energy to pack a bag.

I need to figure out what to do for dinner and then I'm going to my friend Kerri's house for some Bachelor and What About Brian and knitting. That I'm actually looking forward to.

I need an attitude adjustment, an exercise regime I can stick to, more sleep and more hours in the day.

It's Cold Again

It's under 30 degrees.
It's so cold this morning that I just want to crawl back in bed. I'm drinking coffee now, hoping that by the time I get off work it will be warmer and I will be more inclined to want to to something besides sleep. So far it's not working.
I did set up the automation to take care of the 6 o'clock hour so I got to sleep in a little. Then I drove to my sister's house and dropped a birthday present on her porch on my way to work. It's not much, just some nail stuff and some lotion and shower gel, but I haven't talked to her at all since our little "discussion" (emphasis on the 'dis,' right?) and I can only assume that she's still mad at me. When we talked I left the ball in her court. I expect that she will call me today or tomorrow to thank me - because that's what you do, right? - and if she doesn't then I'll know for sure.
But here's the thing: I don't know that I want to talk to her, anyway. I might just let it go to voicemail. I'm not mad at her and I know that she has the right to make bad choices and blah blah blah. It bothers me that she's mad at me, but only really because it makes everything so uncomfortable. It's not like we would hang out a lot if she were speaking to me - we really don't even have that much in common. She doesn't even like to read. She says if a book is good they'll make it into a movie anyway. Seriously. ok, I AM a little mad at her. She won't let the kids spend time with my parents and that is really hurting my dad and that really pisses me off. But otherwise, not pissed. Frustrated? Sure. Not pissed.
Right, so anyway.
So thanks to Lia for letting me know that I can, indeed cook with soy milk. I really do like it. There is a little bit of a strange aftertaste, but I wonder if it's like switching from regular soda to diet soda in that you just get used to it. I'm looking forward to trying the chocolate flavor - we just bought plain.
Quik Trip was out of V-8 juice this morning. I know! That's like Wal Mart being out of something. They also didn't have any of the Light juice (juice-flavored water with splenda). So I tried FUZE Slenderize. I don' t know that I believe that it will help anyone lose weight, but cranberry-raspberry is my favorite flavor in the world and it does contain vitamin C and chromium. It asserts that it contains ingredients that will control appetite and boost energy... we'll see. As I said before, I'm also drinking coffee this morning. It's entirely possible that I will overdose on stimulants and just crash.
I'm still working on my felting project - it's slow going. Also, I am missing a sweater pattern and now that I have the yarn I wanted to use it's pissing me off, but I am afraid that until we finish the move there are just things I can't have. Damn it. (Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't start ANY MORE PROJECTS until I either finish one or finish moving).
I guess when fate hides your patterns it doesn't do any good to jump up and down and scream "But I want it now," like a two-year-old. Entertaining, sure, but not effective.

Don't let it die!!

Thanks for the support y'all! I'm feeling better... the husband and I had a nice talk, too. I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed and little things are getting to me. Andie never did tell me what her problem was, but she has stopped giving me the ice treatment. She is not one for confrontation... and while I used to be more inclined to just go and ask someone what their problem is, I am finding that I don't have the emotional energy to deal with anything I don't absolutely have to. I figure that if it's not important enough for her to talk to me about it must not be all that important.

On to better things... I bought soy milk for the first time yesterday. Soy is so good for you - women especially - and it sounds like it would be really disgusting but it was actually pretty good. Thicker than I had anticipated, but that may have more to do with the fact that we drink skim milk. You know, milk-flavored water. I realized that the largest portion of our milk consumption was in conjunction with cereal, so it seemed pretty safe. We're still working our way through a box of Apple Jacks with Marshmallow Eyes, so it seems a little like those V-8 commercials there the woman is drinking her V-8 with a huge cheeseburger, but baby steps, right? Can you cook with soy milk? Like, could I make mashed potatoes with it? One time when my brother was baby we were out of regular milk so my mom made boxed au gratin potatoes with Enfamil. I still hesitate before I eat us gratin potatoes and my brother is almost 20. Anyway, it makes me a little hesitant to cook with it. But you must be able to, right? I mean, what do people do who drink this stuff full time?

Today I slept in... until after 9!! Then I got up and made chocolate chip pancakes and then came back to bed and watched judge shows until eleven. Then I watched my soap opera, got dressed and went to the new house and sanded the walls in the living room. We will be ready to put actual paint on it this weekend. Once the dining room is done we can clean the floors and I can start moving stuff in. Yay!!

Tonight was the Margaret Cho concert. Nights like this I really love my job. Really. Free tickets to concerts and shows are the BEST. The husband and I went and we spent less than $10, including the gas we used to get there. That rocks. And girlfriend is fucking funny. Though there was this woman at the table behind me who kept repeating the punchlines. Like we're not all watching. Margaret Cho goes, "She didn't feed her vagina and it died." Then the woman behind me laughs really loud and then says, "Didn't feed her vagina and it died!!!"

Seriously.

But it brings up an interesting point. The joke is not as important as the thought behind it. If you don't feed your vagina (or your mind, or your curiosity or creativity or goldfish) it will die.

Feed it.

Just a little self-pity vent...

You know that fiber supplement that can be sprinkled in any food? Do you think they'll ever make xanax in that form?
It's funny that I can deal with the big things... the classes and the new house and the Hospice and the job. I can handle the dying father in law and the husband who is so, so completely lost. I can handle the sister who is screwing up her life and who also happens to hate me. I can handle the migraines that make me vulnerable and helpless. I can handle all of these things and I can handle them all at the same time, but the thing that set me off today - the thing that is making me cry and want to crawl into bed and not ever get up was the fact that my daughter's hair was in a pony tail when I picked her up from school. That's all. A pony tail.
She has rarely ever let me do anything to her hair. Since she was a small child. I can put stuff in her hair and three hours later it's gone. I gave up. Her hair is short now - has been for most of her life, if only because she won't stand for stuff in her hair. But today she had her hair in a pony tail.
Because her step-mother put it up this morning. And her step-mother is "so good at fixing hair." And her step-mother thinks her hair looks good up. And her step-mother is going to help her learn to do it herself. And her step-mother thinks she should put her hair up more often to "train" it. Isn't her step-mother smart? And fun??
I don't know why I bother to speak at all. I should just email the step-mother and have her say stuff.
Oh and also, yesterday my boss was mad at me and I don't know why. She wouldn't look at me, would barely speak to me and when she had to walk by me she walked so fast it looked like she was in training for some kind of race. Today she spoke to me if I spoke to her first, but more or less acted like nothing happened. A few weeks ago she told me she didn't think I was handling all of the stress in my life very well. I was sort of surprised - I honestly feel like I am juggling pretty well. She said she feels like my "head" is in Hospice and that I am basically just phoning in my performance at the station. This is after I got a raise, after the best pledge drive we've ever had and after I have worked seven days a week for most of the past year. After I have worked every weekend for as long as I can remember. This is after repeated promises that "someone" else would learn the automation so that I would actually be able to take an entire week off. Or a day.
Not a big deal if my boss was not also my best friend.
So my sister hates me, my kid has severe "mention-itis" about the idiot step-mother, and my relationship with my best friend is weird.
The holidays this year are going to ROCK!

I'm going to take another dose of my migraine medicine, half a xanax and then I'm going to eat a Twinkie.
And sleep.

Did you do it??

It's election day!! Woo hoo!! I think that election days should be proper holidays with cards and days off work and presents. And big gatherings of friends and family. Like Thanksgiving, only with a political slant. People should gather around the TV in the evening with slices of Voting Day Pie and cups of Electric Election Punch. People should walk around saying "Election Day Greetings!" and there should be sales at department stores - 20% off with your "I Voted" sticker. Seriously.

(I just got a "Happy Election Day" from someone at NPR... my day is officially complete).

So I hope you voted. I know two people who aren't going to. Shame on you. One person declared herself a "Political Atheist." She gets clever-girl points... but especially in this state, where women's rights are shrinking like Lilly Tomlin (anyone else old enough to remember that metaphoric movie??) and we really have to try to get the Lying Bastards responsible out of office.

Soap Box speech over.

Did you miss me??

I feel like I've been gone for weeks and weeks. I took a few days "off" after the drive. "Off" meaning I only had to go to class and practicum and I am only working 20 hours this week. Most of those hours are on the weekend so I was only at work for about an hour a day. I spent the rest of my time at the new house working and at the old house sleeping and watching judge shows. I have missed daytime tv, but if I had to be home with it all day every day I would probably lose my mind.

SO... did I remember to bring my camera to post pictures? Nope. This morning I was lucky to remember to get dressed.
Have I finished painting? Ummmmm.... noooooooo. I've painted 3/4 of my bedroom - I know, I wasn't even planning to paint that room... I'll get into that in a minute. And I've painted, like, 1/3 of the living room. It's looking pretty damn pink. I know that I wanted a warm beige-y color and I know that the last time I painted a living room a warm beige-y color and it looked really pink until we got our furniture in. But it's pretty damn pink. And it's going to take more than one coat. Not happy about that at all. I'm in the "paint it and move on" frame of mind. Oh, and I'm not done sanding the places where my dad patched it... I got home yesterday feeling like I had been licking drywall all afternoon, and I can still smell the dust. Bleh.
And the dining room?? Well, we got the stupid wallpaper down and we washed the walls and then I painted it white to see how bad it looked. It's pretty bad. I sanded it a little bit yesterday, but, um, it's pretty bad. Dad's plan (apparently) is to put a layer of drywall mud over it, sand it down and paint it. I'm good with that...
So way did I paint the bedroom?? dad kept saying "we" weren't done in the living room and I didn't know what else to do. I took the week "off" specifically to work at the house and I couldn't get a straight answer from him about what still neeed to be done. Until Thursday afternoon. Thursday afternoon he said I could start on the living room, I just needed to sand down the patched places. Shit, Roy.
So today after work I'm going to finish the bedroom walls and try for real progress in the living room and dining room. I hope that's not pink, too!

So I had a little meltdown yesterday. Compared to how I feel it was a fairly minor one... I am getting really frustrated with my husband. He's under a lot of stress. I know that. His father is dying (stage 4 lung cancer) and his mother is crazytown (borderline personality disorder) and his job is sucking the life from him. He also is having some dental issues and generally feels like crap most of the time.
Me? I am a person of action. I look at what I don't like and I fix what can be fixed so that I can more fully deal with what can't. There is nothing at all he can do about his dad. It's a sad situation and he is a huge source of support for his parents, but there is not a lot he can really do. But the job? Gone. I would have found another job a way long time ago. Dental issues? Go to the fricking dentist, right? Even if you are pathologically afraid of dentists, at some point put on your big girl pants and go, right?
Him? He complains about it all. And does nothing. He takes time off from work when they let him (all the time) so his paychecks are getting smaller and smaller. He won't quit - he's never actually quit a job before. And he's never been fired. The handful of places he worked before the station went out of business while he worked there and the station was a contract thing. He has also never really looked for a job before - it's always been a "friend of a friend is looking" type of thing. So he's not looking for a new job, just complaining about and not really working at the one he has.
And is the house packed?
Nope.
Is he working at the new house?
Nope.
Why not?!?
Because "He's never done this before so he doesn't know how."
Seriously.
So I have been giving him lists of stuff he can do and he gets one or two things from the list done and feels really good about himself. Then I come home and either do the rest of the stuff on the list or say "oh fuck it" and go to bed.

So yesterday he says, "Maybe I just won't go to work today, then they'll have to fire me and I can look for another job." When he says stuff like that I want to hit him. Really hard. With something big and pokey. And usually that sort of thing would ignite my inner bitch and she would flame out on his ass... but with all of the stuff he's going through I try to just deal with it and move on.

It has occurred to me that he is going through the stuff we all go through in our mid-20's. Stuck in this rut of hate-my-job-but-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-life. It has also occurred to me that his mother is so nuts and their family is so enmeshed that emotionally he might just be 15. This whole marriage/family/house thing was not in his five-year plan five years ago. Fine. But we just bought a house and I am stressed out (and stretched out) as far as I can be and still keep it together and I need HELP!!

So yesterday I flamed a little... low flame. I simmered. And when I got back to the house from painting and he was there (instead of at work) I thought about killing him but did not. He was packing boxes of books. Good boy. Now do that eleventy-billion more times and we'll be good to go!

The movers are coming on Monday the 20th at 8:00 am. That gives us two weeks and one day to have most of the packing done. The movers are coming to handle the big stuff - and as many boxes as they can do in the time I'm allowing. It's $80 an hour - I'm shooting for three hours - four at most. You know, with all of our extra money.
Jeez.

Scattered

(I'm all over the place today, people, bear with me, ok??)

It's Over!! Pledge Drive is Over!!!

I'm still here at the crack of early. But I can leave at noon and go buy paint, and I can take some time "off" next week and pack. I say "off" because it's not like I can stay home all day and actually accomplish much. I'll still have to go to Hospice, and I'll still have to go to work for about an hour a day for the automation... but I will work my butt off to try to be ready to roll by the 20th.

I still need to call the movers.

We did not make goal - we're off by about $1500. But that means we raised $163,500 - so that's not so bad. I did not stay to the end as I have done in past drives. I went home yesterday at about 1:30, kissed my husband and went back to sleep. He woke me a few hours later and tempted me with Memphis BBQ... and a movie. He never wants to go to a movie. It was nice to spend time with him - we even managed to talk about something besides his dad - a treat for both of us. I let him pick the movie so we saw The Grudge 2. CREEPY CREEPY CREEPY! I spent part of the movie hiding behind my hair and whispering "I don't like the creepy sound" to my husband. (After we bought the tickets and were heading to the theatre he told me he also wanted to see Marie Antoinette. Shithead). Of course, now I'm all alone in the creepy radio station. Jeez. It was pretty good - for a sequel - but it really didn't have much of a plot to it. It was mostly a bridge to the possibility of The Grudge 3. But the popcorn was really fresh and we were home in time for me to fall asleep to SNL.

I would have knitting pictures to post but my stupid camera is out of stupid batteries. So tomorrow (or at least the next time I post) I should have pictures of a sock, a scarf and a hat. More or less all I did last week was knit and pitch. Oh, and eat. It's not a bad way to spend eight days. I told my mom that I couldn't wait until pledge drive was over so I could stop working 15-hour days. Every day wasn't that bad.

But It's OVER!! It's OVER!!

I haven't been to my house since last Sunday and I have no idea what all my parents have been up to. I guess I'll find out today! I'm buying many many buckets of paint and I'm going over there around 2 (despite the fact that right now I want to go back to bed and sleep for a month). I just want to move in. I want to be done with the yucky rental house we're in now, I want to be done with the landlord, done with the leaking front room, done with the icky carpet. I want to get settled and find the new flow of my life. I want to make dinner in my new kitchen. I want to eat in my dining room with my family and without a TV. I want to sit in my living room with my kitty and knit. I want to do a load (or six) of laundry in my clean, bright laundry room. I want to do load (or six) of dishes in my dishwasher.

(Sigh).

So, Halloween! Is anyone dresing up? They said we could dress up at Hospice (but no scary, political or sexy costumes. No Grim Reapers, no GeorgeW's, no French Maids). I'm not actually at Hospice on Tuesdays and I know that nobody from the station will dress up. Maybe I'll just wear my tiara. You know, just for fun. I'll be at Andie's that night, eating chili on her front porch (in my tiara) and knitting. (With paint in my hair and a song in my heart).
Oh, and lots of chocolate.

Sometimes you just have to eat a Snickers Bar

I'm crying in the car again. I've been here before - there isn't time in my day to allow myself to break down and the only time I am alone is in the car, so I get settled in and buckle my seatbelt and something in me just lets go and I start crying. It usually lasts about ten or fifteen minutes - which is more or less exactly how long it takes to get anywhere in this city.

Maybe I am crazytown.

After yesterday the husband and I were both ready for the funny farm. (Are there sheep at the funny farm??). Anyway. He spent the day at Casa Loco (aka, his parent's house) and I spent the evening at pledge drive producing Sir Megalomania Ass-Clown (aka, Smarmy McSnottyPants). I got home and we talked about his parents for almost three hours. I comforted him and told him he was doing really well... he comforted me and told me that I should not take the insults of Sir Ass-Clown so personally. Then we comforted eachother (and that is all I'm going to say about that).

This morning I woke groggy and headachy... I was running late but I stopped at Starbucks anyway. I love Starbucks. I hate that I love Starbucks. They are pretty much symbolic of everything that is wrong with our country. Mass-produced, mass-marketed, faceless exploitative consumerism. (They do make a damn good latte). Sterile, personality-free, cookie-cutter den of waste. (And their chairs are really comfy - and have you tried the blueberry scones??) Fuck. (And they have a Drive-Thru). Fine. Starbucks rocks. Yay Starbucks. Ok? (Thank you). Jeez.

Moving right along, nothing to see here...

My patient load at Hospice more than doubled today. I think that's ok. Nothing is ok this week, but his week is almost over.
It IS almost over, right?? Thursday, Friday, Saturday and the Pledge Drive is over. (Woo HOO!!)
But next week I can start back in with the rest of my life and work on the house and be the greatest student in the world.
And I will make it through the next three days and the three days after that, right?
And I will not let my mother in law or Smarmy McSnottyPants make me lose my cool, right?
And I will not start crying and never ever stop, right?

But now? Headache in full-force and pumped full of caffeine and so frickin' tired? Snickers. Must eat Snickers.

Pink, Pledge Drive and Denial

Someone found this CD at the station - it's a promotional copy that nobody else claimed, so it's mine! Score!
That would be one benefit to working in radio - free stuff. Occasionally free stuff that you can dance to. I got a copy of Weird Al's most recent CD to take home to the husband. I don't know what kind of radio station the people in promotions think we are! We get the strangest assortment of music. The only live shows we have are classical, gospel and jazz. Everything else gets distributed among the employees.

We're still in pledge drive and I'm skipping class (again) to be on the air. I seriously hope I pass my classes this year. I guess if I don't I can just go work at Target - I'm management material, right? Of course, I would have to tuck my red shirt into my khaki pants to work at Target and I am not a "fat girl who tucks anyway." Hmmmm. I'll have to read the employee manual and see if there is a way around that.
So my parents are rocking and rolling on my house! I have been working until 9 every night (for those of you who are counting, that's 60 hours at the station in the last 5 days) and we are scheduled to end on Saturday night. ANYWAY, my parents have been working on the walls of my house and my dad is going to pick our carpet and stuff. I know that sounds weird, but he has this design gift that I do not possess. He is a color genius. Oh, and honestly? I don't give a crap about the carpet in the den - beige carpet all looks the same to me. All I rally care about is that it is stain resistant. And the kitchen floor is basically the same thing - as long as it's neutral I don't really care. I'm sure that someday I'll have enough(time) (energy) (design sense) to want specific carpet/linoleum but right now I just want to move in.
My dad said last night that the walls should be ready to paint by Sunday so I'm going to hope for a second wind on Saturday and I'll buy paint and stuff and paint like a crazy person on Sunday. (Hey Lara? You free on Sunday?? K? Anyone else want to paint like crazy people?? I'll order pizza and we can listen to my new Pink CD!!)

What else is going on? Oh! My mother in law is nuts. (Nothing new here). She is mad that her house is "turning into a hospital" and that there are "people in and out all day long" and (my personal favorite) "they're screwing over the insurance company getting all of this help when he's really not that sick." (WHA????).
First of all, the medical equipment is stuff like, um, an OXYGEN machine so he can breathe better at night and sleep. The people in and out of the house are there to take some of the burden off of her and he IS TOO that sick! Denial, denial, denial!
I talked to their case manager and she said if they keep refusing HHA visits and nursing visits their insurance will stop covering Hospice.
AHHHHHHH!!
So then I called my mother in law - just to chat, don'tcha know? Everything is fine. Uh-huh. So I dig in a little deeper. Well, it's tiring. Uh-huh. So I dig in a little more. Maybe you need to talk to someone. She doesn't want to talk to someone.
Know what, Lady? I don't want you to use my husband as your own personal sounding board. It makes him feel like crap and then I have to deal with what's left of him when you're done...
What I actually said was something like, "I'm just concerned that talking to him is causing some trouble between you. Maybe having another person who can listen to what you have to say without being an emotional part of the problem would be beneficial to everyone."

Sigh.

I need a drink.
And a vacation.
And a magic wand.

Fortune tellers and odd dreams

I'm back at work again... I left here last night around 11pm and it's just after 6am. (Did I mention that I hate pledge drive??)

Yesterday we had a phone volunteer who also read palms. I had never had my palm read - it was sort of interesting. I was skeptical... the first thing she said was that I am very creative and passionate about my creativity. (Duh, I was sitting down there with my knitting, lamenting that I only brought two projects to work on). But she said that I was facing a change in careers (go on,) and that the new career would take me away from my family in some way (you mean like right now? I feel like I never see either of them). She also said I had the potential to have more kids. I said, "No, we don't." She looked at me and said, "Stop thinking about it."
There was more stuff, but those are the highlights.

I had a dream last night that Kerri called me and told me she decided to move to Alaska. For some reason my husband was gone... I had Bean and two little kids in the back of the car and I was sitting at a red light and I looked back at them and said to Kerri, "Sure, we'll come!" I didn't even go home, we just started to drive. At some point I stopped at a Wal Mart for supplies (sleeping bags? check. Granola bars and juice boxes? check. Diapers?!? check.) and left Bean and the other kids in the car (which I would never do) and at some point I left a message for my mom that we were leaving. I think I woke up and fell back asleep - you know how that shifts dreams sometimes - and I was still moving to Alaska with Kerri and my three (?!?) kids, (funny that the fact that I had 3 kids is more incredible to me than the fact that my husband might be gone and that Kerri and I might decide to move to Alaska) - but this time I was calling other people trying to get them to move with us. Everyone I called was married and I was basically asking them to leave their spouse. It wasn't until the third person I called that I realized this - I realized that what I was doing might be perceived by the other spouse as a teeny bit hostile...
What does it all mean? I mean, besides the fact that I had a really busy (and slightly emotional) day and my poor little brain needed to dump some crap?

I started the Tychus hat again yesterday and have had to frog parts of it twice now. Don't tell Kerri - I've been telling her how obscenely easy it is. (Hi, Kerri? I think that was in my dream, too. The hat is fine! No problems here!!) Seriously, both times it was because I stopped paying attention to my pattern. I still have a couple of hours before anyone but Andie will be here so I'm going to deal with what's left of the hat. It WILL be finished. So will Andie's pledge drive socks. At the vary least it will help me stay awake!!

Yikes!!

I forgot my camera so I won't be posting any pictures today... I have forgotten a lot of things today.
Scarf? What scarf?? I finished a table runner recently... a short one for my yarn trunk... I don't know anything at all about a scarf.
Hmmmmm....
I did start Andie's pledge drive socks... Crusoe again, baby. I forgot how much I love that sock!!
But that means that pledge drive has begun... help!! HELP!!!! I'm working every night until 9, which means that the husband and Bean will turn feral and start eating M&M's for dinner. (Maybe they'll at least eat Peanut M&M's and get some protein).

Pledge drive is going well so far - we're ahead of schedule a little. And lunch totally ROCKED!! Pledge drive means a lot of food and a lot of coffee and a lot of time at the station. It means a lot of extra work and a lot of tired and a lot of crazy busy. It means I don't have time to paint my walls or pack any boxes, and it means that I am going to be frickin' exhausted by next Sunday.

Send wine... no, coffee... no, wine.

Send sleep.

My Monday...

So we've been scraping wallpaper from the dining room walls. It's a long, dirty process as we have not been able to get the guy who borrowed the steamer to return it... There were three or four layers of paint over three layers of wallpaper over this charming aqua paint. Here's my dining room wall as of right now:

I'm sort of digging it. It's "squatter chic". All we need now is some graffiti and maybe a broken bong and a burn mark or blood stain or something on the floor.

Yeah, right?

Nope. We need the steamer. And a sander. And a beer.

I think we'll be able to paint soon. I picked out the living room color and we're going a shade darker for the dining room... very very soon I'll be posting the "after" pic.
It is really fun to be doing something to make the house "ours" - you know, other than the loan and the title. My mom has been a huge help and y'all know about my dad. Gotta love the parents. I don't know how much of it is that they feel like they have to go above and beyond after the whole saving-my-sister fiasco. I wasn't all that quiet about how much I resented how much help she got without asking or appreciating it. They have never helped me paint or move or anything before. I'm sure that part of it is that they're excited about the first home thing, but my sister's situation has clouded how I feel about their help. Maybe I'm being too sensitive. (Maybe??) It is entirely possible that they have always intended to be this involved. Maybe not. It doesn't really matter. I so appreciate the help and advice and it's fun to have this kind of time with them.
Here's what else I did today:

I went to Kerri's house to watch (and heckle) The Bachelor and What About Brian? and started working on a scarf. Yes, this is the "Thank You" handspun from Julie. Yes, it is a dream to work with - it's so soft. I don't know exactly what I'm doing - I started with basket weave and then decided that was too dense for a whole scarf and so I did some k2tog, yo just for fun. Now I'm in stockinette land... I don't know what to do next... I don't want to run out before it's long enough. Maybe I'll frog it and start over with some larger needles. The yarn is so pretty and soft that I really want it to be light and airy - hmmmmmm.
I know you can't really see the needles but I got my KnitPicks Options needles today. Seriously, all of you holding out for the peer reviews? Buy the frickin' needles. The join is really smooth and the needles feel really good.
And it was fun to get them all situated in their little case.
I have a problem. Seriously.
I need a distraction so that I don't stay up and knit all night, starting eight or nine new projects just so I can try out all of the needle sizes - you know, because I can.

(Oooooh, Halloween candy! Score!)