Over

There has been a lot of joking about Bartleby here. A lot of complaining and a lot of frustration.
Right now I wish I could take it all back.

I got home from work Sunday night and checked on him... he looked like he was asleep so I went to bed. There was a storm around 3am - something that usually wakes him. I went to talk to him and he wasn't asleep. He hadn't been asleep the first time I checked either.

The paramedics said he had probably been gone for five to eight hours.

There was a time when he was happy, when we were happy. There was a time when he was the sweetest guy in the world. Since is father died he became someone else entirely and while I know that no matter what the autopsy shows there was nothing that any of us could have done.

He was sick. Mentally and physically and nothing that his mother or his friends or I could say would make him go to the doctor.

There are a lot of theories about what happened, but the truth is that we just don't know yet.

I loved him. My daughter loved him. My family loved him.

He apparently died while I was at work. Alone and unhappy and probably scared. The paramedics and the police and the chaplain and my mom and everyone else has said that nine of it was my fault... but I will always wonder what more I could have done.

The funeral is Thursday. I am still in shock and I don't honestly know what comes next for me or anyone else in this. Of course, I rallied the troops. Andie and Michelle and Kerri and Mr. Kerri and Sally and Steve and even my sister came to sit with me today. My sister and Michelle and my mom went over to the house to clean it for me.

I'm not ready to go back there, and that image - what I saw last night - will stay with me for the rest of my life. There are things that you just don't get over.

Boys Suck

They just do. I'm tired of them and all of their stink.
Is it too much to ask for a boy to be consistent and you know... what's the word... um... SANE?

Apparently it is.

Now I know that I am not the poster child for sanity and consistency. I know. But honestly, most men can't even meet a minimum expectation level on a consistent basis.

Or maybe I'm biased and overly judgmental.

Well if I am it's their fault. So there.

(Clearly I'm going for "Blogstress most likely to get a date." And also Ms. Congeniality).

I had a good weekend... I met Michelle and Sally and Andie for dinner on Friday and then Sally and I had lunch and knitting on Saturday. That is my standard definition of a "good weekend."

I did have a moment of concern over Bartleby on Saturday because I realized I hadn't seen or heard him moving around since Thursday night and there is no physical evidence that he's moving around when I'm gone... I thought, "Oh crap, what if he's dead or something!" I know, right? I would totally be the primary suspect. And the den would smell bad for weeks. When I got home Saturday night I opened the door to the den and looked inside. He was awake (and very much alive) and didn't even look my way, so I closed the door and went to bed.
Whew, right?
I haven't actually spoken to him since he called me on Wednesday about the divorce papers. He is apparently unhappy about the time limit.

I sort of like the not speaking part... I just wish he would give me the silent treatment from his mom's basement.

And Google? Wipe that frickin' smirk off of your stinky boy face. You know what you did.

Dear Scary Google

Please stop reading my email and making judgments about my life. I know that I am sometimes a little slow on the uptake and you are, you know, Google and all... and I'm sure that the omnipotence makes you a little less patient with the trials and tribulations of mortals, but I'm never going to learn anything for myself if you tell me what decisions to make every time. So no more subtle hints, OK??

Thanks!

J

... So I got an email from Knitpicks. The "Sponsored Links" were all about bankruptcy. Seriously. I'm not sure what triggered that. Usually they're about yarn. I got an email from a friend that included a conversation about dinner and the "Sponsored Links" were about losing weight. Yesterday I got an email from a male friend (Classic Coke) and the "Sponsored Links" included these titles: "Why He Manipulates You" and "Understand Why Men Leave?"

For the love of all things soft and woolly.

I was like, "Mom?"

On the Mend

I do not have pneumonia. Or bronchitis. I have done some damage to my bronchial passages from all the coughing and that needs to heal. I got a breathing treatment and an inhaler and now that I can actually breathe I'm doing better. It's amazing what a little oxygen will do!

Dr. N has a cutie-pie student working with her and I liked him a lot. Most of her students are the nervous, quiet type. He came in and examined me first and made his initial diagnosis and then he waited with me for her to get there. He asked why I didn't come in when I had the flu and I said, "Leave my house, spend $20 and infect your waiting room so that you could tell me to go home and rest and get lots of fluids?" He still looked a little confused and Dr. N said, "Nurse's daughter."

Damn straight.

There are times when you are sick that you need to see the doctor... and there are times when you just do not. There are things that even modern medicine can't fix.

So I'm good... and with the inhaler I'm a little jazzed up.

I'm also knitting wee, tiny socks. The cast on is 20 stitches. That's wee.

Tonight is Final Friday - galleries and other businesses downtown are open late and there is art and fun and a trolley that takes you to the various places for free. Andie and Michelle and I went last month and this month Sally is coming too!! We're going to have dinner and then get some art on and then maybe see a movie.

Michelle and Andie are both still getting over the crud, too, so we might end up eating a fabulous dinner and then just sit there and talk instead. Art, schmart... the best part is the eating and the talking anyway, right?

Have a great weekend everyone!

When the going gets tough...

The not-so tough take to their beds and pretend it's not happening.
That's what I want to do today. Instead I'm at work now and then I'll visit Dr. N (bronchitis? pneumonia? hypochondria? simple stress?) and then have a late lunch and go to class.

I feel like wet Kleenex. Delicate, clingy and sort of gross.

It was totally cry-fest 2008 last night... I was all about the self-pity. I hate that kind of crying. The "poor me, when will this disaster end? Did I steal from small children in a former life to deserve this misery?" kind of crying. It's all crap. And you don't even feel cleansed the next day. Just limp and somehow more pathetic.

Now I want fried rice and chocolate cake.
And a nap.
And for class to be cancelled.

He got Served!

I answered the door for the process server this morning.
Yay!!

I told Bartleby the door was for him and then waited while he sllllllooooooooooooooowly got up and came to the door. Then I took a shower and went to work.

He called me about an hour later and was really angry. First he wanted to know why my server was "6 days late." That confused me. Turns out he was reading _______, 20___ (the line where you can fill in when he is supposed to leave, as in March 1, 2008) as the 20th of this month. Idiot. He went on about the 20th for awhile before he figured it out. Not having seen the papers I was at a loss.

"I can't believe you'd do this. I've been sick!" He yelled. "I would never do something like this to you."

That last line? I've heard that a lot. I usually ignore it, because going there requires more time and energy than I have for him. This time I said, "Well there are a lot of things that you've done that I would never do to you. So there we are. Did you think I was just going to wait another 6 months until you 'feel good' before I tried to finalize this?"

The interesting part... judging from his comments he hasn't gotten past page one of the summons. Wonder how he's going to react when he realizes the insurance is gone.
Should be good times at my house!

I am almost done with bean's spring socks - and have 3 pairs of socks waiting (impatiently) in the wings. The March OYT socks are first, because it's almost April!! Next come the Monkey socks for the next Monkey Swap, and then the BMFA March shipment - which I totally love.

BUT FIRST!! I'm going to knit wee tiny socks. I'm going to use the leftover Bamboo Cotton from Bean's socks (if there is any!! Kid's got monster feet).

I am also moving right along with my Oblique sweater. I have made some mistakes and thought briefly about going back and fixing them, but decided against it. First, I'm lazy as sin and second, what in this world is perfect?!? Why put that kind of pressure on knitting?

Knit on, Knitters!

Deadline

Despite my concern that I will experience some kind of mental break once the immediate stress of this has passed I am still really want this over as soon as possible.

I talked to my lawyer today... remember how I said we could serve him with a summons and then he had 20 days to respond and then if he didn't respond the judge would end the marriage after 60 days? Apparently the 60 day clock has been running this whole time!! They're going to serve him sometime this week and he still has 20 days to respond, but as long as he doesn't contest anything this will all be over by April 28th.

That's a month away.

I can hold on for another month.

Just keep breathing.

Hey, Pathos! How's it Hangin'?

Had a little mini break down last night.

Again.

Part of it was because I was so tired. It was after midnight and I had been up since 6. I worked and then went to Twist and then went out for dinner and a movie with a Friend. We were talking about the Bartleby situation and I was thinking about heading home and suddenly I couldn't breathe and I couldn't stop crying. My friend has 3 daughters, all teenagers, so he is fairly adept at handling the crying female. He could probably write a book. (Of course, men tend not to read those kinds of books. Maybe he could write a pamphlet... or a series of suggestions that could be printed on napkins and distributed at sports bars).

This makes him a good person for me to have around these days!

He has had his own run of bad luck lately... and not all of it is my fault, I swear.

Most recently his house caught on fire. The fire alarm did not wake him, but his dog did, then his sweetie dog died from smoke inhalation. It's a terrible story (that you can read here) and the only good thing about it is that none of the kids were there when it happened. He is now living in a friend's basement while he works on restoring his house. I saw the house last night. Most of the damage is confined to the kitchen, but the smell from the smoke is overpowering, as is the amount of work that kind of destruction is going to take to fix.

Standing in the living room, looking into what is left of his kitchen I thought about what could have happened and I had to go back outside. There is so much damage. The fire was hot enough to melt pans together and crack the ceilings. It was scary to be there - even after the fact.

I am good in stressful situations. I am calm and can generally muster enough strength to get things done. I can take care of business. I can handle it.
After the dust settles I am usually a complete wreck.

So now I am concerned about how I am going to feel once we finally remove Bartleby the Barnacle from my den once and for all. Am I going to fall apart? (Leave it to me to take someone's house fire and apply it metaphorically to my own drama, right??) But once he is gone, am I going to look at the pathetic, charred remains of that part of my life and feel overwhelmed and depressed? Am I going to make it through this after all??
Sure, I have the strength to make it through to the end - the end being getting him out of my house - but then what?
What happens once I have used all of that energy and strength?

What will be left of me?
(Just imagine me in a reclined pose with my arms flung dramatically over my face).

Knitting content soon, I promise.

The Heat War

A few days ago it was 70 degrees here. I got home and not only was the heater on but Bartleby had turned it up to 77. We've been playing this little heater game all winter. I prefer the heater to stay at 68. Even if it's below freezing outside. I say, put on another pair of socks and wrap up in a blanket.

Also? Cleaning helps raise your core body temperature. Try that.

I turned it off.

First of all, it is WARM outside. There is no reason to heat the house when it is WARM outside.
Second, he does not contribute to the (climbing) gas bill so he does not get a vote.
Third, it is totally ecologically irresponsible to run the heater at that temperature.
Finally, HE DOES NOT GET A VOTE!

So yesterday I noticed it was back on, and back at 77. I turned it off.

I got up this morning and guess what? Yup. 77. I turned it off.

I don't want this to turn into a war... I mean, my first impulse was to go to the breaker box and turn the power off to the den... but he's at home alone all day while I'm at work and then at Twist and I don't want him to start feeling all creative about how to retaliate.

Time to go back to the Lawyer. I have known this for awhile... I'm not sure what's been stopping me. Part of it is that I just don't want to deal with it. It makes me tired just thinking about it. I'll call on Monday.

He'll probably have the air conditioner on by then.

Monkey Swap IV Questionnaire

The Measurements

Shoe size: 10

Foot length in inches: 9 inches

Circumference: 10 inches

Yarn Preferences

What are your favorite colors? Purples, blues and greens - and also pink!

What color clashes with your wardrobe? Orange

Do you prefer solids or variegated yarns? Either

What are your favorite brand sock yarns? Blue Moon, Crystal Palace Bamboo Cotton, Soxx Appeal, Lorna's Laces... I also love Yarn Lust and Sugar Bunny Boulevard on Etsy... I could go on.

Is there a new sock yarn you really would like to try? Wollmeise, Chewy Spaghetti, Yarn Pirate

Cookie A. Patterns

List the patterns you do not have but would like to receive: Mona, Millicent, Mingus and Marilinda

Allergies

Do you have any allergies that your pal needs to know about? (animals, fiber, sensitivity to smoke etc.) Nope!

Will you knitting be exposed to animals? Cats

Will you knitting be exposed to cigarette smoke? Nope!

Shipping

What country do you live in? USA

Are you willing to ship outside your country? Yes

Buy Bobo!!

This is Bobo.

You can bid on Bobo's actual X-Ray **here.

I did.

But then, I actually know Bobo. I think it is totally hilarious that Bobo's people are selling the X-Ray on eBay... but they totally have a valid point. You can buy all kinds of weird crap on eBay. Like a Corn Flake that looks like Illinois or a Giant Foil Ball. Seriously. And a cat X-Ray is sort of cool!
(Bobo is totally fine, by the way).

Bartleby is still not gone... but I am doing my best to pretend that he is. I haven't actually spoken to him in a few days and I have really only been home to sleep.
Bean comes home on Monday and I was really hoping to have him out by then but that doesn't look likely at this point.

But I am not losing hope! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. He can not avoid this divorce forever.

I don't feel married anymore. I'm not really acting married anymore either. I was talking to Sally about this last night - the grieving part of this has already happened for me. I was so unhappy for so long that once I decided what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it I just felt better. Once that process started I felt like I could breathe again.

I think I have made my peace with this entire thing. (Except for, you know, the man living in my den). I have also put my new last name on my email account. It's just a matter of time and I want to get used to it!

I decided to take my step-father's name. I thought about going back to my maiden name, but there's the guy that contributed to my genetic self and then there's the guy that contributed to my emotional and actual self. I decided it was time my name really reflected my feelings. I called him to tell him what I decided and he was pleased... I said, "It's a Girl!" Once the name change is official I think I'm going to send him a box of chocolate cigars or something.

**eBay pulled the Bobo X-ray. I'm no sure exactly what the problem was... It was still a cool idea.

Who Am I?

What Jill Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Anyone notice that it says I am "tightly wound" and also "relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow"? I know that seems to be completely contradictory, but honestly also sort of right on target. I blame it on being a Gemini... I tend toward fervent ambivalence all the time!!

So I was so tired yesterday that I could almost not stay awake at work. Then I went home, took a small nap and went to knit at Sally's house. Her house is so cozy and my knitterly friends were there and I was full of really good chili so I was sleepy there too. Then I got home and there was no sleep to be had. I actually got up and scrubbed out the bathtub thinking, surely some cleaning will remind me that sleep is inherently preferable.

I ended up taking half of a Xanax... which is not at all what they are for. I mean, they WORK for getting people to sleep but they don't tend to give you the sleep you need. I think it's time to visit the Dr. N and talk to her about something for sleep. I even know what I want. The cool thing about Dr. N is that she is open to that kind of thing... and she has an actual conversation with me about it. We talk about why I think I need the specific medication and she either agrees with me or offers other options and then we discuss the options and I leave feeling like I am (gasp) actually a part of my own health care. I love her.

I am a firm believer that if you don't have a good relationship with your Doctor you should find another one.

Must. Stay. Awake.

Is it that I'm still "getting over" the flu? Or that pesky chronic fatigue? Is it my shameful sleeping schedule? Or perhaps some depression? Stress? Laziness??

Who can tell? The result is that I am sleepy and grumpy and completely unmotivated to do anything that requires thought or movement. I am a great and terrible lizard.

I keep thinking that I need to just clean my house and get it over with but every time I start to clean something I get this overwhelming feeling of leaden arms and legs. I feel like if I don't take a nap RIGHT NOW I will just die. I should invite some people over so that I have to clean.

I had dinner last night with Andie and Kerri and Mr. Kerri and Old Coke (or as he prefers to be called now, Classic Coke). The subject of ejecting Bartleby came up and Mr. Kerri suggested inviting a lot of people over to just hang out in the man den and make him really uncomfortable. That would be great, except that as messy as my house is right now the man den is MUCH worse. You don't want to go in there right now. I have a feeling I'm going to have to rent a HazMat suit to clean in there once he finally leaves.

Another suggestion was that I move out for a few days and have the power and water shut off... I think that's technically not legally allowed, but the sad thing is that I don't honestly think it would make a difference. He would just lie there, alone in the dark, and still not be motivated to move.

Some readers have expressed concern that he might be violent.
This man is not going to physically harm me. I know this.
Everyone says, "Well you just never know."
I do. I know. He has spent most of his life working really hard to NOT go to jail. Also? He is absolutely terrified of The Fabulous Michelle (with good reason. Seriously. She is protective and also sort of scary when she's mad. Like a mama bear. Just call me Cubby). And finally, as Andie pointed out, beating me to death with, say, a baseball bat would only happen if someone handed him the bat, positioned me next to his recliner and then helped him repeatedly raise his arm so that gravity would cause the bat to hit me. That is what it would take.

So you can all stop worrying about that. This is just going to take a little time... and perhaps a little legal pressure.

In the mean time, I'm just pretending he's not actually there. I rarely speak to him and hardly see him. So except that he's, you know, still there it's not so bad!

Monday, Rainy Monday!

I woke to thunderstorms early this morning. I love that. Loud, scary thunder and heavy rains.
The cats were not as pleased. Sammie expressed her need for attention by climbing all over me and trying to suck on my fingers. She hasn't done that for a long time, so I'm assuming it was her kitty way of saying, "Hey, I don't like all the bad noises. I know that you're trying to sleep but please pet me for a little bit."

So I did. Nothing like a little kitten love first thing in the morning.

My sock class went well again on Saturday. I feel dumb for not taking my camera!! I wish I could post a picture of all of the fabulous socks. By the end of the class everyone had 2 socks on the needles and about half of the class had an entire heel. I felt really proud of them all... and since it was the first time I had ever tried to teach something I was really proud of myself too.

Bean is with her dad this week for spring break. I'm happy about that because she is going to Oklahoma for the week and that will be fun for her... and because she's not going to be at home with Bartleby the Barnacle. He has the flu, so I don't expect his exit will be anytime soon. I'm going to visit my lawyer and try to hurry this along. I have gotten lots of good advice lately, so thanks everyone for your concern and help.

I am actually still recovering from the flu - I feel a lot better, but I am still coughing and I get tired easily. That has made it difficult for me to be more active in the getting him out process. I had sort of stopped cleaning at all for awhile and then I got sick. Bean cleaned (for cash) last week, so the house isn't as bad as it could be, but it needs a lot of attention. This week while I'm cleaning I will also be packing more of his stuff.

I stayed awake laaaaaaaate last night to watch a re-run of the first episode of the new Top Chef. I love that show.
So tonight I will not be cleaning or packing. I will be catching up on sleep.

Postcard from Oz

A good friend of mine found out on Friday that her husband is a cowardly liar. And there is no wizardly cure in all of Oz a cowardly liar. (He is also starring as the tin man and his best friend Ace is the scarecrow, but they are fresh out of hearts and brains in Oz as well).

There was an emotional tornado, but her house landed completely whole and even the cats were fine. And you know how cats hate a change in the house. A few things got lost during the storm... but we all need a little clutter purge once in a while, right?

We were too tired to find the yellow brick road, let alone follow it, so we ate pasta and watched a movie. We are also both getting over the flu, so there was no singing or skipping... but there was lots of talk about where the cowardly liar could stick his angst.

There is even a wicked witch... but she is centrally located. We were unable to drop a house on her or destroy her with a bucket of water, so we're hoping that at some point the flying monkeys turn on her and rip her to shreds. Knowing the flying monkeys as we do we are certain that this will happen.

Dorothy is going to be fine. She is an incredibly strong gal with a lot of support and a great house.

Migraine Friday

Broken shell, this bright ripe tomato
Under the skin pulse
behind the eyes pulse
Nausea building this cumulonimbus there
is no medication worthy of this storm there
is not enough water in the world to match
how thirsty I am

Awesome Like Ashton

I slept for 12 hours last night.
I know, right?
And still I hit the snooze button three times before I got up.

Today I completed my first assignment as a freelance voicer. Cool, right? Maybe I just think it's cool. I had to generate an invoice and everything. Like, charging people to send me stuff to read. I didn't even knit them anything. The whole thing took me half an hour and they want me to do it again. And they are totally paying me!! (I am such a professional).

I know that I have worked in radio for eight years, and technically I get paid every day to read stuff... but this is different somehow. And the guy was really surprised that I had everything done on time.

I feel awesome right now. Like Ashton Kutcher. I just read the weather on air and thought, "that'll be $10, please." Right. As if. But wouldn't it be cool if someone would always pay me for talking?!?

(Watch, now that I'm talking about it he'll email me back and say that they were all crap and I'm fired).

I also did some actual homework. For class today. Not even make-up work for class last week... though I have some of that to do now that I think about it. On top of the fact that I am a procrastinator with severe motivational issues, I have spent the last week or so sick and sleeping and trying not to die and I haven't had a lot of time for things like homework and, you know, housework.

I've been paying Bean to do some housework... but she's not feeling great either and she won't be home for days and days now that it's spring break.

SPRING BREAK!!! (Which would be so much more fun if I had the week off from work and Bartleby the Barnacle had actually moved out).

So there's a situation brewing...
Um...
You know how there was Coke. And then there was New Coke. And then we were all like, "go away New Coke! You suck! Get a job and move out of my house!" And then Old Coke was like, "Hey, how you doin'?" and we were all, "Wow, Old Coke totally wants to know how I'm doing!!" And then Old Coke was all, "Hey, once New Coke moves out we should go out for dinner." And we were all, "Old Coke totally wants to date us!!"

It's like that. But with boys instead of Coke.

Shhhhhh! Don't tell!

But I am actually starting to feel better.
Still coughing, still congested, but not so achy and I don't feel like I'm breathing through a wet washcloth anymore.

I don't want to say that too loud though... I still think the reason I got so sick had a lot to do with the fact that I got a small cold and then felt sort of smug about the fact that it didn't knock me on my ass. Whoops. It had nothing, of course, to do with the thousands of people dropping like flies from this flu. Nothing at all.

So anyway, now that it's starting to subside I don't want to tempt it back. I hate this flu. Hate it. Don't get it. It's not at all fun. One clever friend suggested we all get t-shirts that read, "I Survived The Flu 2008!" You know me and joining stuff - especially if there are t-shirts involved!

I am still really tired, and want desperately to be allowed to go home once again today... but I think I'm stuck here. Bean is still not feeling well... she woke up with an earache and so we called the step mother to see if she had time to take her to the doctor. She does. Thank God. I have taken so much time off from all of my jobs and other various and sundry responsibilities that I feel like I can not ask for more time for anything. (I would, of course, have taken time off to take Bean to the doctor... but the stepmother usually has time for stuff like that). Again, not friends. Co-parents? Sure. Not friends. Friendly? Absolutely. Not friends.

Anyway. Since I am at work I should probably, you know, work for awhile.

Ummm.... Still Sick

And sick of it. Seriously.

I did not end up going to work on Sunday. I woke up sweaty and shivering and called them and said, "I am dying and will not be in."

I did have to go to the station for a few minutes on Sunday. I timed it so that I was just in time for Sonic's happy hour so I bought myself a Route 44 diet cranberry limeade. Ahhhhhh, hydration and vitamin C.

When I came home Bartleby's car was GONE!!! I knew not to get my hopes up too high... his mother's friend's son-in-law (got that?) took it upon himself to come over and check the car. Apparently it's not as broken as Bartleby thought. If he had taken it in TEN MONTHS AGO when I told him to they would have noticed that a few of his hoses were cracked. That's it. The transmission is fine (or as fine as a Ford Taurus transmission can be) and it's at the shop getting checked over.
HE IS SO HELPLESS.
My friend Sally said she hopes his mom leaves him a nanny in her will. Seriously.
Or an unfortunate-looking girl who isn't all that bright but can cook and clean to marry him. It's not like he'll ask her for sex or anything.

So we're that much closer to him actually leaving. I'll give him another week and then I'm going to take the insurance bit out of the divorce papers. I told him when I gave them to him in the first place that the longer he made me wait the more stuff I was going to take away. I was feeling really nice a few weeks ago. I'm not so nice now. I'm tired of him and his crap in my house and I'm too sick to care what his newest excuse is. He came in earlier to tell me he thinks his mom is going to rent an apartment for him. He WOKE ME UP to tell me this. I said, "That's great. Can we talk about this later?" He wasn't happy about that. I don't honestly give a crap where he goes, I just want him not here.

Time to sleep and dream about the day when he will FINALLY be gone...

Sick

I'm not going to whine about how crappy I feel. Promise. Instead, here are a few things from this weekend so far:

*They sent me home from my book club. Apparently I looked as bad as I felt. They were like, "No, we have this... go home," as they were backing away. So Bean and I got some lo mein from Ah-So and some sick girl supplies from Walgreens (Kleenex and cold medicine and ginger ale) and then she put me to bed.

*Bean is an amazing kid. She slept with me last night and every time I needed anything - more water, more blankets, whatever - she was on it. She even got up this morning and made pancakes and scrambled eggs for me. Everyone needs a Bean. You can't have mine... go get your own.

*My first sock class went well. Jackie was a HUGE help. She made sure that everyone was getting it and fixed it when they weren't. Hopefully everyone will have good knitting vibes this week and we'll all be ready to tackle the heel next week. Because I slept all day (and had such a good nurse) I was feeling OK for the class, though I did sweat the entire time. I'm sure that was attractive.

*The step mother invited me to a sex-toy party. Seriously. I had other plans and I'm not feeling well... but even if I felt great and planned to sit alone in the dark all evening? No. Thanks. We are not friends. We used to be friends and now we are not. I agree, it was nice of her. My friend Julie is the distributor, and I am the one who gave her Julie's number... but there is a very complicated past (and given how some other things are going probably a very complicated future) and it is just better for everyone involved if we remember that we are not friends. We just aren't. And who wants to go to a sex-toy party with their ex-husband's new wife anyway?!?

*I switched shifts with someone for tomorrow, so I'm supposed to be there at 8 am. I am hoping that they take one look at me and send me home. I just called and the woman working tonight said we don't have any clients, so as long as we don't get any overnight referrals I should have a pretty quiet day. And then I will come home and collapse and sleep.

Dear Immune System,

Don't you know that I have a life?

I really don't have time for you to go on strike now.

I know that in the past we have had an understanding about working during the week and then sleeping all weekend... but things are different for me now. I have things to DO on the weekends. I have a book club to lead tonight and a class to teach tomorrow and a JOB to go to on Sunday.

Didn't I choke down a V-8 Fusion today? That's 200% of the vitamin C we need all at once! And we had cranberry juice yesterday. That all has to count for something.

So if you could hold out just a little bit longer, I promise to get lots of rest... um... soon. Right. Soon.

Love,
Me.

ps. Is it starve a cold, feed a fever? Or feed a cold, starve a fever? Pie has fruit... we should probably eat some pie or something.

Exhale

(Don't get too excited, Bartleby is still in residence... though there are more boxes in the living room. He is at least showing evidence of leaving).

My "Fraternal Twins" socks have been frogged. I kept getting to the end of the round with too many stitches. Eventually those socks were going to fit Sasquatch. My feet are big... but not that big. I will be starting over... though I haven't yet decided if I want to try to make them match. There is only so much fiddling with the yarn I can do. I just want to make interconnecting loops. I don't want to fiddle with it. Maybe I'll get one of my fiddly friends to help me figure out where to start... Hi Lara! See you later tonight!!

In other news... remember my New Year's Resolution to make better choices for myself? I think I'm doing pretty well with that. Strange opportunities are opening up and I'm feeling really good about what I'm doing with those opportunities. It's not about "finding" myself... I know where I am now. It's about doing the things that I want to do and not feeling bad or guilty or selfish about them. It's about putting myself first so that I am better able to be the kind of friend/mother/lover/employee/volunteer/student that I want to be. It's about being happy. Really happy.

Damn, I'm a busy girl. Good thing that I am exhaling.

Fraternal Twins

It's Opal Circus self-striping yarn. It's striping just fine, but not at the same time. I even frogged once and tried to line the colors up. Obviously I should have failed Kindergarten because clearly these do NOT match.
But really? They're socks and they're going to be on my feet covered by my jeans.

This is the March sock for Twist's On Your Toes Sock Club. Other than the striping issue I'm loving these socks.

Also? Sock Wars are ON, Bitches!! I got my oh-fficial t-shirt.



I need to have needles at the ready and some Tofutsies wound up and ready to go.


And Bartleby... dear Barlteby. I came home last night and all of his clothes were in black trash bags in the living room. That is progress my dear ones. I'll be packing his kitchen and living room stuff tomorrow and then he just has to clear out the den.
And sign the papers.
Aaaaaaaany day now.
He says he's going to see a lawyer Wednesday or so... and then the signing can happen.

Thanks!

Thanks for all of your support.

It is interesting how our perceptions of our own weakness are so different from our perceptions of other's. A friend emailed me and reminded me that she once (quite recently) came over to my house in the middle of the night and cried and knitted on my couch until the wee hours of the morning. I didn't see that as weak, so why do I see myself as weak? The standards we place on ourselves are always so much higher (and often unattainable) than the standards we place on others. Surely, if I had a friend going through this I would expect her to be a mess from time to time, so why am I so willing to criticize myself for it? (Of course, anyone who knows my mother - or rather, remembers my mother about ten years ago - knows why I am so inwardly critical. My mom has mellowed a LOT recently. I wonder if there is a way to mellow that inner voice?

Yesterday was just a bad day... I know this will all be over soon, but my strength and good humor is definitely wavering. Last night he said he was going to have a lawyer look over the papers next week. He also said that until his name is off the loan and the title he plans to keep a house key and "come and go as he pleases." He said he even wanted to retain the right to "sleep here" if he chose to. I said, "I understand that." But I don't think that he understands that as soon as he signs the papers he has 24 hours to leave and then I can change the locks. And I will. He got up this morning and ran some errands (in my car). When I left he was drinking and playing Playstation and complaining about how much he had thrown up this morning.

(So stop drinking and go to a doctor, idiot).

All through it I keep thinking, "Get the hell out of my house. Get the hell out of my house. Get the hell out of my house." It's pretty much on a continuous loop.

One day soon I will wake up and he will be gone. One day soon there will be no sign of him in my house - or in my life. Emotionally there will probably always be a presence there. A reminder that sometimes people change completely. A reminder to never again let that flip me on my ass.
I spent most of the day in bed today. Sleep is good. Rest is good. Lolling around with the cats is good. I'm at work now, and we have a client here, so my evening won't be as carefree and quiet as I had hoped. But I will knit and I will surf the internets and I will hope that he is asleep by the time I get home.

Maybe next week I will come home to an empty, quiet house.

To render desolate...

I knew he wasn't leaving today. He told me he wouldn't be gone today. But somehow when I woke up and realized he was still here it sent me way down. So much of my energy has been focused on the hope that I would have my house to myself by this weekend that I just don't know what to do now that it's not happening. It seems too dramatic to say that I am devastated... but the definition of devastate is "to lay waste; to render desolate; to overwhelm," and that pretty much explains my state of mind.
I will not be ok until he is gone. Every day that he is here it becomes more and more difficult to deal with.
Everyone keeps telling me how amazed they are that I can keep myself together and laugh at the situation... days like this I want to hide and not let anyone see this part of it. On my way to Twist this afternoon and I couldn't stop crying. I almost decided not to go - but Twist is always good for my spirits and tonight was movie night (Pretty Woman). So I pulled myself together (more or less) and I did, in fact, have a good time.
But I'm home now, and he's here and there is no real sign that he's leaving anytime soon.

One funny thing - last night he said, "I want to be out of here as much as you want me out."
Nooooooo, you don't. If you did you'd be gone, and since I can still see you I can tell that I absolutely want you gone more than you want to be gone.

I had a dream that I was out with my whole family and I had a new boyfriend who was significantly younger than me. Really cute and really young. What is that about?!? (OK. I know what that's about. But younger?!? Not this girl). But there were these moments-his hands in my hair and the way he looked at me like I was his entire world - it reminded me so much of someone I used to be in love with. I miss that adoration. That comfort that comes when someone wants to be a part of your world just because you're in it.

You'll have to forgive this wallowing in self-pity... he has to leave soon, right?
Here's hoping that he leaves before I lose my shit completely.