Happy Things

I got PRESENTS!!

These ornaments arrived the other day - an early gift from my Winter Wonderland Coffee Swap Pal.



I need to get on the ball and start spoiling my pal!!




Aren't they cute?!?



A knitting reindeer.
That cracks me up.



Remember all of those hours I worked last week? Today is payday. Hallelujah.

I started the "payday celebration" yesterday... first at the book store, then at the yarn store. I might have purchased yarn for another sweater. Maybe. I might also have purchased some more **Koigu and perhaps some Berrocco Comfort for a scarf for the person whose name I drew for my Secret Santa at work.
I might also have placed a Knitpicks order in response to Phoe's Clapotis. She used gloss (held double) and I might have ordered some in dark green. Maybe.

Speaking of my Secret Santa pal, I drew one of the therapists so I bought some of these:




Funny, right? I have the "Bush-Its: For when you want to say something really stupid."

I hope he likes them.

Time to knit. I was getting really (really really) bored with my sweater, but yesterday I started on the arm-hole decreases. That means I'm almost done with the back of it!! There is a (faint) light at the end of the tunnel... of course it's sort of blocked by all of the "intended for sweaters" yarn I have. I can NOT start hoarding sweater yarn like I hoard sock yarn. I'll need to rent a storage unit or something. That would really cut into my yarn funds.

**Edited later to correct this... It wasn't Koigu. It was Noro. I'm tired.

Coffee Swap Question of the Week:

What is the ideal setting for enjoying the perfect cup of coffee? Who would be there - or would you be alone? Inside or out? Morning or night? With food or just the steaming cup of joe?

The perfect cup of coffee is with friends. In my mind it's snowing outside and we're all in comfy clothes in the living room at one of our houses. The kids are all playing nicely somewhere at a distance and there are various snacks available. Nobody has to be anywhere and there isn't anything going on except coffee and conversation and a little knitting.

**I have received the cutest ornaments from my swap pal... Pictures tomorrow!!

Random Lists of Five

Five things I'm craving right now:
Donuts
Tuna casserole
Chocolate milk
Grapes
Pancakes

Five books I could read over and over:
The Grapes of Wrath
I'll Love You Forever
The Stand
The Edible Woman
Knitting Rules

Five things I would do if I weren't so lazy:
I would be more organized and keep the house clean
I would cook and eat at home and take my lunch every day
I would actually get into an exercise routine
I would volunteer at a women's shelter one weekend a month
I would be disciplined in my writing

Five places I would go if I won the lottery:
New York
Northern California
France
Ireland
Italy

Five things I would like to learn how to do:
Dye yarn (so that it looks good and not like something was just spilled on it)
Prep and cook foods like a chef - fast and even chopping, etc.
Sew
Play cards like a pro
Just let things go


Things I wish I could just let go:
I am the only person in my house who understands how to replace toilet paper on the roll.
My father forgot my birthday. Again.
My friend Darren hasn't been in contact in three years and I miss him.
There are knitting patterns that I love but are sized too small for me to wear.
I still want a baby and I can't have one.


Five sounds that irritate me:
Cell phones beeping because the battery is low or there is a missed call
Static
The drone of talk radio
Crickets
Car alarms

Five sounds I love:
The wind in the trees outside my window
Rain on the metal cover of our back porch
Sammy purring
Knitting needles clicking
Wind chimes

Five reasons Bean is the perfect child:
She is considerate
She is smart
She is self-sufficient
She is funny
She is creative

Five Game shows I want to be on:
The Weakest Link
Who Wants to be a Millionaire
Family Feud
Wheel of Fortune
Lingo

Five people I wish I could spend more time with:
Emilie
Marianne
Faith
Michelle
Shelly

Five things I wish I could do right now:
Take a road trip
Buy a new (greener) car
Speak Italian
Eat at Joe's Crab Shack (there isn't one here)
Sleep!

CONTEST!!

Well hello, ugly scarf!

Seriously.

Wow.

Someone took the time to design and knit this monstrosity and then someone else thought, "Wow, let's market that!"

It sort of looks like she got her head stuck in the plastic rings from a 6-pack.

Wow.

So here's the contest...

Send me photos of the ugliest scarves you can find by NOON CENTRAL TIME on DECEMBER 15th. I'll choose the best three and you'll all win fabulous prizes... I don't know what those prizes will be yet, but there will be yarn involved. And because not everyone who reads this blog is a yarn lover, there is also an Amazon.com gift certificate.

As with all of these bloggy contests, if you send someone to me and they tell me it was you I'll put another entry in for you.

People I know in "real" life are eligible.

Email your entries to napknitter at gmail dot com. Put "Scarf Contest" in the message line.

Near tragedy... and some comfort knitting

Look what happened last night.

I honestly don't have any idea what happened - they were in my knitting bag and when I looked inside there were bits of needles and scary looking bits of sweater hanging perilously from the shards.

There was a lot of wailing and crying and cursing.

I found my Knitpicks Options needles and I think I managed to find the right size tips... I have four or five needle sizers and of course they are all hiding.



The sweater is fine.

It was touch and go for awhile, but all of the stitches are back on needles in the right order and all facing the right way.

Then, for comfort knitting, I started my brother's birthday present:

It's hard to see the detail, but it's the "Dashing" gloves from Knitty. I hope he likes them! It took me a full evening to knit this one and I just have to sew in the ends and knit the other one. We're going to a movie tomorrow night so I can give them to him then. Then I'm going to make eleventy-bazillion pairs for myself and others out of the cheap, durable and soft Berroco Comfort.
I wonder if it comes in stripes...

What DAY is it?

I didn't have to work today. It was lovely. I was inexplicably awake at 7:30 this morning so I took a shower and put on fresh pj's. I also got in some quality time with Bean before she left for school. We have been missing each other lately - I worked so much last week and then Monday night I was at Andie's house for massage and dinner. I sort of feel guilty for that one... but I sooooooooooo needed it.

It's our habit to buy each other massages for birthdays and stuff. Our friend Michelle is a fabulous massage therapist and she comes to your house!! So we book an evening with Michelle, pour some drinks and eat good food. Monday night's fare included white wine spritzers (who knew?), Knolla's pizza (best slice in town) and eclairs. Apparently my "if it don't hurt it ain't broke" theory is wrong. My neck is not in good shape. Michelle gently reminded me that it shouldn't feel like I replaced every soft-tissue in my neck with titanium steel. And also I should drink more water.

But today I lounged around. I did some dishes, I watched some bad TV, I napped. Then I made a fatal mistake. I went to Wal Mart. Two days before Thanksgiving. At 6:00 in the evening. I am not a smart woman.

On a "normal" weekday there are too many people in Wal Mart at 6:00 for my comfort level. You can only imagine the insanity tonight. I kept getting stuck in aisles, literally surrounded by carts and unable to move in any direction. Not good. But I got through it. When I left I was covered in sweat and practically gulping in cool air from the outside.

Note to self: no more Wal Mart until the middle of February.

One funny thing... I was in the pet aisle looking at flea remedies. I have tried salt, Dawn, the back-of-the-neck stuff. I was looking for a shampoo or spray of some sort. I found a shampoo and here were the directions:

1. Wet cat thoroughly
2. Apply shampoo and rub into fur avoiding eye area.
3. Let lather set for five minutes.
4. Rinse completely.

Um, have they met cats? Cats are specifically designed to avoid water. And also being forced to do anything they don't want to do. I can't imagine how many stitches I would need if I got through steps one and two, but making a pissed off, wet and slippery-with-lather cat just hang out for five minutes sounds like it would be about as much fun as Nancy Grace in labor.

I bought a spray and so far Sammy seems to be doing better. Serena didn't have as many problems as Sammy - I think that Sammy might be more sensitive to the bites. She is still scratching, but I used the flea comb and it looks like she's scratching the bites, not new fleas.

One last thing, I don't know where it has been all month, but winter is certainly here now. It was 78 degrees at 4:30 this afternoon and two hours later it was in the 40's. Crazytown.

Thanksgiving

The topic of the week for the Winter Coffee Swap is "What I'm thankful for." I've been thinking about this a lot lately as the issues at home have started to take on a decidedly more positive slant. (I hesitate to even put it that vaguely as I am sure the forces of evil are looming and just waiting for me to get too comfortable so that they can strike and strike hard). But things, indeed, are getting better. Sloooooooowly. But better.

So here is a partial list of things I am thankful for, in no particular order...

1. Sock yarn.
2. I am still married.
3. Bean. Every day I am thankful for Bean.
4. Naps. Long, long naps.
5. I have two jobs that are very different and both very rewarding.
6. My house. What a crap time for us to buy a house - I'm glad we didn't know beforehand or we never would have done it.
7. My friends... we all have shit going on and somehow we all still manage to support each other and laugh about it.
8. Twist.
9. School. I know, I know. I complain about it a lot. But not everyone has the opportunity to go back to school and it also reminds me that there are some things that are worth working hard for.
10. Movies. Pure escapism. With popcorn.
11. Diet Dr. Pepper
12. Netflix
13. People read this blog. Some of you I *know* know and some of you I just know online, but the fact that you take time out of your day to read whatever I've managed to post is really an amazing thing to me.
14. My baby brother... despite the difference in our ages (11 years) we get along really well. If I had to choose someone in my family to raise Bean it would be him.. but he's only 21 and by the time he'd be ready to settle down like that she'd be almost an adult anyway. And also? Hopefully I won't die any time soon.
15. Did I already say sock yarn?
16. Thanksgiving is the "official" kick-off of the Holiday Eating Festival. It's nothin' but carbs until New Years, Baby!!
17. This year everyone is relatively healthy.

There are so many more things. So many ways that this year is better than last year. I hope you all have a wonderful week - be generous in your giving and in your thanking!

Why I love Knitpicks

I think I just had my first yarngasm.

Have you seen this?

I must have it. And there are two others, a "warm" set and a "neutral" set. Multiple yarngasm.
As exciting as the Raven series is from Blue Moon, this is even more exciting as it is SIX potential socks for like, $40. And Knitpicks has that free shipping for orders over $45, so add one of their groovy new dpn sets and you're set!

I am totally buying this for myself for Christmas.

Don't let that stop you from buying it for me as well... you can never have too much sock yarn!

Saturday? Again? Already?!?

Anyone else tired?

While I would never admit to falling asleep at work... let's just say that I have done a few things this week that I wouldn't admit to. Including falling asleep at work. More than once.
The best part? I've had a high-symptom week in terms of anxiety and tired + Xanax = more tired.

I haven't really been knitting much... a few stitches here and there... but I've been reading like crazy! I read two Joyce Carol Oates books (Middle Age and Man Crazy) and am currently plowing through Nature Girl by Carl Hiaasen. I haven't read anything by him before, though I've heard good things. It's interesting and quite a contrast to Oates, but I don't know if I'll read any more Hiaasen or not. But Oates? Wow. She's something else. Dark and twisty and such an amazing writer.

I did buy yarn to make a hat for my brother... though I am clearly more tired than I thought. The hat I wanted to make is a black and red skull and crossbone hat from Son of a Stitch and Bitch. The yarn I purchased (at Twist, of course) is black and red, but a much (much much) heavier weight than the pattern asks for. Because I pay attention to details like that so well.

I'll just make another hat instead. Whatever. I'm too tired to wrestle with fair isle right now anyway, right? The other hat is a double knit pattern - another technique I haven't tried. I cast on last night and tried but it just didn't look right. I thought I might wait until I've had a little sleep and a chance to review knittinghelp.com.

Or maybe just make him a plain hat with some stripes.

Or maybe I'll just buy him a gift card.

Serena Escapes: A True Metaphor.

Sometimes an event occurs that is such an apt metaphor for your life that everything seems absurd and all you can do is take to your bed and cry like a baby until you fall asleep.

Here goes.

I worked both jobs yesterday. I also have not managed to avoid the cold that is going around. When I got home last night I was exhausted and my head felt like it was about three times it's normal size. The motion sensor on the porch light was not on so I fumbled around in the dark for the lock and when the door finally opened Serena darted out and ran under the husband's car.
Usually when she does this she can be coaxed back into the house and everyone moves along nicely. She doesn't actually like the outside. She spent a night locked out and was a little freak for about 24 hours after she was safely back inside (the story is here). Last night was not so easy.
I called for her. Nothing.
I chased a neighborhood cat away.
I flattened myself on the dirty driveway and reached under the car. She hissed and backed away. I went to the other side of the car. She hissed and bit me and backed away.
I couldn't just leave her out there. I love this cat and she is an inside cat with no front claws and a limited exposure to nature. She was afraid of the ceiling fan when we moved. That is how not prepared she is to be outside alone in the dark.
I went inside and got the cat food and shook it. Nothing.
I reached for her again and still couldn't reach her.
No matter what I did she retreated. She didn't seem to understand that I was just trying to help her get back inside. She didn't seem to recognize me at all. I was afraid she would run into the street or further away if I did anything to try to force or scare her out from under the car.

Finally, after about twenty minutes she darted back to the front door. On her own.
I opened the door for her and she went inside and hid under the table. I was covered with leaves, scratches, bites and scrapes.

I went to bed and cried and cried. Not just about the cat, but about how tired I was and how futile it is for me to to try to get the husband to make better choices. How futile it is to try to help anyone, really... but still I have to try. Despite the cold and the scrapes and the headache I have to at least try.

In the end though, everyone has to find the front door on their own.

A little help from my friends...

So yesterday I got to work and had a fantastic little present waiting for me. I'm not naming any names... but there is someone who loves me very much who brought me an emergency stash of my anti-depressant. For next time, just in case. Now that is friendship. Seriously. It's the people who make sure you're well-supplied with things like medication, tampons, and zit-cream. It's the people who say, "listen, the hairs on your chin are starting to get scary so do something about them." It's the people who offer to bring you clean white panties when you have neglected the laundry for weeks and weeks and are at work wearing something that resembles underwear but feels more like a torture device.
Those people? Keep them close and do your best to keep them supplied with chocolate and iced tea and diet Pepsi and any other damn thing they need.

Moving right along...

People in my office are dropping like flies! Our Morning Edition host has been sick for a week and when he coughs he sounds like he is going to die. He started it. Andie is sick and actually staying home today to recover. I need Clorox wipes, STAT!

So far I'm feeling OK... tired but OK.
And by tired I mean that I put my head down for just a minute and almost missed a break ten minutes later. So maybe I'm not so OK. I am really starting to regret signing up for extra shifts tonight and tomorrow...
I had a dream last night that I was arrested and in jail and I was freaking out because I didn't want to miss work. If I got arrested and was in jail I think that while work would certainly be a concern there might be a few things that would be more concerning. And for the first time ever, BTK was in my dream. I don't have any idea what that's about. I didn't even have nightmares about him when he "resurfaced" before he was caught... though the husband was sort of obsessed with the whole thing.

Anyway... love the federal holidays! The mail stacks up and I got three packages today!! One from Knitpicks with Crazy Aunt Purl's book Drunk, Divorced and Covered in Cat Hair along with another set of the new fab-o dpn's. The second package came from Zooba: The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood. And the third was an Etsy purchase for my swap pal. I'm not going to tell you what it is... but it might be in the shape of a coffee bean. Maybe.

I read the CAP book in about an hour (it's a quick read and I read quickly). I fully intend to knit the baby blanket with the devil horns and tail. If someone would only conveniently get pregnant. Oh wait! I know someone who is conveniently pregnant... heh heh heh.
Hi, Kim? When are you due again?!?

Goals?!? Plans?!?

I actually took a walk today. The weather is really nice still and my friend S and I walked and looked at the leaves turning and falling from the trees. It was lovely. It would have been lovelier if I didn't have to work tonight and we could have walked longer.

There are lots of things that I admire about this particular friend, but the one thing that stood out from our conversation today is her ability to see the bigger picture. She makes plans and reassesses them based on the larger goals she has for herself.

Wow.

Maybe you all do this too and I am just a pathetic weirdo who stumbles around blindly. (Sorry if I bump into you or step on your toes in the process).

I mean, I have goals. I do! But they're more like, "Try not to eat too much crap today." And also, "Make dinner at home more often; something more substantial than frozen chicken nuggets." I also have the "make more money" goal which was followed by the "go back to grad school" goal and then, more recently the "get a second job so that you don't lose your house" goal.
But I don't have a 5-year plan. Other than "get Bean through High School with no piercings, tattoos or babies" and "don't gain more weight." And also, "figure out how to manage the ever-growing stash of sock yarn before it completely takes over the house." Not that sock yarn doesn't deserve it's own house.

And it's not that things always work out according to her plans... sometimes things go a whole different way and she adjusts her plans and goals accordingly. But at least she has some vision.

I have some Fig Newtons. And some yarn. Some vision of what I want my future to look like and a plan for how to reach that vision might be a nice little addition.

Crazy

I'm at work... and seriously bored.
I am a bad social worker. Or maybe just a realistic one. You decide.

We do have one client in for the weekend, and so far he has not thrown up on anything. So that's good, right? He is psychotic (and not in a good way) and has not had any meds for more than 24 hours. So far he's pretty calm.
He was watching Cops earlier, which I sort of thought was strange. Then America's Most Wanted was on. I don't know, it just seemed wrong somehow.

We had two calls - both drunk and talkative.

One guy was complaining that his back hurt and that he wasn't walking very well. I said, "Well, you are drunk. That solves that little mystery. Did you do anything today that might have strained your back?"
He said, "Well, I carried a lot of groceries in my backpack."
I said, "Huh. Maybe that's it."
Then he asked, "Do you think I need to go to the hospital?"
"Nope. I think that you need to take some ibuprofen and lie down."
"But it reeeeeeally hurts."
"Look, only you know if it's worth paying the ER fee. If you think it's that bad then you need to make that decision."
"Could you tell them not to run the sirens? I hate it when they run the sirens."
"I'm not going to tell anybody anything. If you really think this is worth a trip to the ER then you need to figure out how to get there."
"I am in pain!" He's yelling now. And also whining. "Haven't you ever been in pain? It's an emergency"
"Sir, if you feel it is an emergency then you need to hang up and call 911. If not, you need to lower your voice and relax."

He hung up on me. Sure, I've been in pain. I've also seen a lot of pain medication seekers in my day. And I also don't think that every ache is a reason to bother the nice folks at the ER.
My mom was a nurse. At the VA. We did not go to the doctor unless we had a fever over 104 or had been vomiting for more than 3 days. We did not go to the emergency room unless someone was in danger of bleeding to death. My definition of an "emergency" might be a little skewed... but if you're a little sore from being drunk and falling all over your apartment after a day of grocery shopping and riding your bike home with heavy groceries on your back, maybe it's just me, but that seems like a job for rest and ibuprofen.

The best part? He said he didn't want to take his meds because they made him sleepy. But then he started whining again about not being able to sleep.
Seriously?
And I'm not being insensitive when I call it whining. He was actually whining. Like a 3-year-old.

The second guy swore up and down that he was not drunk, but Slurry McMystic-Pants was protesting a bit much. He told me about buying canned carrots (yuck) and eating three cans of them and then taking vitamin C. Then he said he bought this new Diet Pepsi with ginseng because he's on a health kick. OK.
He then started talking about how we're all connected by threads to the universe.
Seriously.
Then he was completely fixated on this woman who lives in the same motel... He's concerned that she is not making good choices. I couldn't divert him at all so I finally just ended the call.

Hi, Midnight? Could you hurry it up a little bit?

Random Thursday Stuff

Who decided whether a show "makes it" or not? What About Brian is gone forever but Notes from the Underbelly carries on? Seriously.
I know that we're in desperate times with the writers strike and all...
Of course, I'll probably watch it.
It's still not What About Brian.

*****

I can't find my wrist brace. And this time I need two. I think I may dealing with carpal tunnel. Tingly fingertips in the morning, hands swollen, shooting pain from wrist to elbow. Also the joints in my wrist feel like they're on fire. Ibuprofen and alternating heat and ice. I know.
And also? Take a break from knitting and typing. See how well that's going?

*****

So my weekend is full... I have a pharmacology workshop all day Saturday and then the first of my extra shifts. It will be interesting to see how different other shifts are. Apparently I have an unusually quiet shift - others are much more active. Not what I'm hoping for. Though I guess as long as nobody throws up on me it will be ok. (Note to self: pack a change of clothes). Not really, but I do need to do some serious strategic packing for Saturday. Being away from the house from 9am to midnight is like having a toddler again. Books, snacks, juice boxes and other diversions.

*****

My cats have fleas. This is the first time in my history as a cat owner that I have had to deal with this. And they're inside cats, so that means they got the fleas from us. Anyway, I tried one of those medications that you apply to the back of the neck and all it did was piss them both off and make their fur look funny for a few days. The fleas seem unimpressed. I haven't noticed any bites on myself or the other humans in the family - and when I get a bite of any kind it swells and itches. I guess that's good news, right? Stupid fleas.

*****

Bean was sick today and stayed home, but she said she feels well enough to go back tomorrow. I sometimes think I'm too easy on her - she's had a lot of sick days this year and for the most part she's fine the next day. How can you tell when they're sick and when they're faking? I mean, when she's sick sick it's obvious, but when she's just feeling icky? And I feel icky a lot of the time and if I could call in sick I totally would. She gets good grades in school so being at home is not interfering with her education. The last thing I want to do is send her to school sick and then have to pick her back up because she's too sick to stay.
She's fine and I should stop second-guessing myself.

*****

I feel less like an emotional train wreck and more like a person today. Cymbalta is my friend. I need to be more loyal. You know, visit at the same time of day, every day.
Though I did have to make a stop at the Social Work department today and I ran into a professor I really like. I told her about my new part time job and she knows the supervisor on my shift. I told her that we got along like peas and carrots and she said, "But that's you and everybody!" It was such a nice thing to say and yet that's what got my nerves going. I was suddenly really conscious of my breathing and my skin felt prickly. By the time I got to the elevators I was sweating and sort of shaky. What is with that??

*****
Enough random, time for bed.

This never happens.
Never.

You'll notice that in the first picture Sammy looks sort of annoyed and their paws are sort of stretched toward each other. That was the beginning of what usually becomes a battle full of hissing and carrying on.

Magically, they settled and actually rested fairly close together. Before this picture was taken the closest they had been (while relaxed) was on the green chair in yesterday's post. Neither of them slept like this - each kept one eye on the other.
But it's a start.

I will try to remember this on Live Like a Cat Day. That naps are more important than grudges or personal boundaries.

In Monkey news...




These are my lovely monkey socks. They fit so well!!









Here are my monkey goodies. I love swaps!

Live Like a Cat Day

So my friend James (aka Mr. Kerri) has come up with a fantastic idea. In the spirit of Talk Like a Pirate Day... It's Live Like a Cat Day.

"It is a holiday that will occur on January 12, 2008 where you can RELAX and do whatever you want for the entire day!" - says the blog.

Y'all, I'm in.

Check out his website and join in the festivities!

In Monkey news... my package came today!! I was spoiled monkey rotten!! Gorgeous socks that fit like a dream and cute little monkey goodies... a Curious George project bag and a "superstar" monkey pin and monkey head erasers!! AND Strawberry Newtons and Snickers and Reeses and Lindt balls. SERIOUSLY!! And some really lovely sock yarn and the Flicker pattern from Cookie A.

My Newtons are breakfast. It's fruit!

Detemined Cheerfulness...

Thanks for all of your support!! Sorry to be so whiny. I am determined to feel better, so in with that in mind here is a post of positive things!

-Today I wore pajamas to work. A pledge drive t-shirt and pink, fuzzy pj pants. I am comfy and warm. I also have my blankie in the car. Just in case. Last night I took a long (long, long) hot shower and then covered myself with lotion and then went to sleep. So today I'm all comfy and soft and good-smelling. Like a baby. Only I have to work and I will have to find my own lunch. Otherwise though? Baby.

-The lotion I used was fabulous!! Avon's new Naturals Body Yogurt - in Peach. Holy cats. It is creamy and thick and not at all greasy-feeling. It's apparently not available on their website yet but if you're interested let me know and I'll hook you up! It also comes in raspberry. And maybe blueberry.

- The next book for my book club is The Pirate's Daughter by Margaret Cezair-Thompson. I'm not quite 100 pages in, but so far I really love this book! It is making me want to drink fruity rum rinks and eat pineapple. And rent Errol Flynn movies.

-We are really short-staffed at my part-time job and I signed up for a crap-load of extra shifts. I realize that the next week or two will be exhausting and I will be crying and complaining, but I just have to keep my eyes on the prize... that paycheck. And the fact that I have two jobs can be stressful, but I have two jobs. Some people don't even have one... and since the second one is hourly I can increase my income by putting forth a little extra effort. Hell-o Yarn. I mean, Christmas presents. For other people.

-I have amazing friends. There are a few who have been around for a long-assed time... I've known Emilie and Michelle 19 years! There are the work friends, the knitting friends, the blogland friends, the friends who defy categorization. When I am down and sad and yucky it isn't that I forget that these people exist... it is more that I am waiting for them (you) to suddenly realize that you have more important people to care about. Self-doubt and self-pity are a bad combination! But I am very lucky that there are such strong and amazing women around me and I honestly learn important things from you all every day.

-My checking account is not negative. I know that ordinarily this is not something to get all excited about... I mean, your checking account is not SUPPOSED to be negative. That's like saying "I didn't get a speeding ticket today!" or "I'm not drunk at work today." (I mean, I didn't and I'm not, but anyway). But the way things have been lately, it is a wonderful thing to check my balance and find that it is positive.

- I got an email from my Monkey Swap pal and apparently my Monkey package should be here any second. I love presents. I also got an email from Knitpicks... my copy of Drunk, Divorced and Covered in Cat Hair is on the way. Not that I ordered anything online. A-hem.

Or is it Memorex?

WARNING: SELF-PITY AHEAD, PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!!

Here is one of the biggest drawbacks to being medicated:
It's not the excessive sweating. It's not the cottonmouth. It's not the fatigue.
It's that I don't know when it's me and when it's a chemical breakdown. To be fair, I guess it's technically always "me" and always some sort of chemical breakdown/reaction/whatever.
But it's difficult to know tell when I am reacting as a normal person would, when I am overreacting and when it's just that I missed my dose.
And then there's the classification... is it my anxiety, my depression or both at once that this event is triggering.
And why?
Will I feel better if I take a pill?
Does the situation require more thought and discussion or am I obsessing?
Is this something that would bother someone else? But would it bother them this much?

(Believe me, I know that obsessing over this is not exactly a "sanity" signpost).

But my internal reaction tends to inform my outward behavior... so this is all kind of important.

For example, I am really sad right now. And by right now I mean for about the last four or five days. Increasingly so. I'm not really knitting or sleeping or reading... I have done a bit of writing for nanowrimo but it's all pretty grim as well.
The reasons for this could be any and all of the following:
-I am exhausted from playing nursemaid to my husband while also working two jobs and going to school and being a mom.
-I couldn't afford to refill my Cymbalta (expensive little fuckers) so I have been taking it every other day for about 2 weeks... and once I could afford to fill it I kept forgetting to go to the pharmacy.
-It's Christmas. Yes it is, ask the retailers.
-I heard something this week about someone I thought I knew pretty well that more or less shattered my image of them.
-My husband still does not have a job
-I ran into someone I knew from high school and he was a mess. I was briefly related to him by marriage, so I know that he has had a lot of mental issues that showed up in his mid-20's. And he has basically no family anymore for support. You know how when you run into someone from high school they may be fatter or wrinklier or have less hair or whatever but they still kind of look like themselves? He didn't look anything like the boy he was. It was like something had extinguished the him of him. It pretty much broke my heart.
-My house is a mess. My house being messy is nothing new. Even when it's clean enough for company there are places I would be embarrassed for people to be. But this mess seems hopeless and insurmountable. I can not imagine that it will ever be done. And if it ever IS done the first bit I cleaned will be trashed by the time I'm done with the last bit because I live with people who more or less don't care if the house is clean or not.
-There are several friends of mine whose marriages are not doing so well. Mine is no beacon of domestic bliss either... but it seems to be reaching epidemic proportions. There is just no way to know when or if the person you love more than anyone else in the world is going to flip you on your ass.

I could go on, but that's pretty much what's going on with me internally...

How does this manifest externally? The not sleeping/knitting/reading thing. The staring at the computer screen at work trying not to cry because I have to go be a social worker thing. The sitting in my car not wanting to go home but not wanting to be wherever I am so all I can do is cry in the car thing. The having a great afternoon with two good friends and then spending the rest of the afternoon convinced that I have somehow insulted or alienated one or both of them and consequently freaking out about every relationship I have thing...
The joking about my life because seriously, some of this shit is funny thing.

So is it me, or is it the season or is it the spotty pill-taking? Is it everything? Is it nothing?

Whatever it is, it's time for bed. Somewhere online there is an episode of Lost that I haven't seen and I'm going to find it.

Hey Random!

Today I went to lunch and a movie with two good friends. We have all been a little (a lot) stressed out about various things going on in our lives so it was good to get away for a few hours. My lunch began with vodka and cranberry juice (just one) and included lots of fried things. We saw The Martian Child - holy cats I love John Cusack. A lot. Seriously.

The husband is healing and I am hopeful that by this time next week he will be fully functional and searching vigilantly for a job.
I am also hopeful that the tree in front of our house will start sprouting chocolate and that someone will discover that Twinkies have some hidden health benefit that outweighs their sugar/fat content. It's good to have hopes.
I am also hopeful that I won't contract some horrible disease from work tonight. Apparently a client over the weekend was somehow given aspirin instead of methadone and started vomiting on anything that didn't run away. Everything has been cleaned up at this point, but this person had Hep-C among other things and while the rational part of me knows that it's all ok, the irrational germ freak in me is under the desk screaming. And there are germs under there, too.

In general I'm not really that phobic about germs. My house is certainly not the spanky-clean palace that most germophobes aspire to. My phobia is really situational. Like, airplanes and elevators and public bathrooms and hospitals and nursing homes and my Sunday night job. But only when there are clients present. I expect unsanitary conditions at, say, McDonalds. And because of my years and years working at salons a little hair in my food doesn't bother me. As long as it appears to have come from the head. You know.

Sigh. I'll move on.

I found my Favorite Socks book, so that's a good thing. I am also pretty sure that while I will NOT be finishing a novel in November that I have a pretty good start at a something or other and that I am officially writing again. Not just blogging. Actual writing. I haven't done any of that since the relationship I was in before my husband and I got together. That guy. He just sucked everything interesting or cheerful or insightful or creative out of me. And the thing is that he looks like a great guy from the outside. And our relationship looked good from the outside. But it turned me weak and lifeless and I am well rid of him. Though I do miss his friends.

And I missed my friends too, so today was really nice. Tomorrow I'm meeting one of them at the gym. We have promised ourselves that we will exercise at least 20 minutes a day at least 3 times a week. We can do this.

Winter Coffee Swap

Question 1
When did you first start drinking coffee? What age were you? Was it about the caffeine, or do you love the taste and smell? Tell us how your passion began!

I started drinking coffee when I was eleven. The older kids at church started drinking coffee with the adults between Sunday School and the service. My friend Cynthia decided we were old enough to be like them. We even drank it black to prove that we could do it. At first I drank it to look "cool" and then I started to really like it. My first job was at a hair salon and we lived on coffee there... and of course, all of my poetry-writing oh-so-deep friends and I would sit in coffee shops for hours and drink coffee until our hearts threatened to beat out of our chests!
Bean got a much earlier start. When she was 10 months old she had just mastered the sippy cup. We were at the mall with her grandmother and she ordered a mocha. We were talking and at first we didn't notice that Bean had grabbed the cup (luckily it was relatively cool by then). She took a drink before I could grab for it and she kept drinking, fighting me the whole time. Ever since then, even as a baby, every time she smells coffee she wants some!

Behind Already!

I started the NaNoWriMo last night. After staring at a blank screen for almost an hour I cleaned the keys, got a snack, chatted online with Sally and then finally wrote a sentence. Then I watched ER and checked blogs. Then I wrote another sentence. And then another one. I have about a page and a half... of the six pages per day goal.

Sooooooo, maybe I'll "make it up" once I get going. Maybe I'll just fly through the rest of it like sheep to the moon!!

Then again, maybe not.

I did finish The Maytrees by Annie Dillard this afternoon. It's the book club book this month, and today is book club Friday!! When I read this book I felt submerged in it - surfacing for the real world felt as physical and transitional as climbing out of a swimming pool. And the urge to re-read this one, to slip back into this narrative is as strong and as steady as a tidal pull.

In yarn-y news, I broke down and bought the Interweave Knits Holiday magazine. I also may have accidentally placed a small-ish Knitpicks order. Maybe. I did manage to have a little talk with myself first, though and realize that ordering another $20 worth of stuff to get "free" shipping was just stupid. Sigh.
I also have misplaced my Interweave Knits Favorite Socks book. That is making me really grumpy. If I don't find it I will replace it - it's that good. And as a bonus, If I don't find it and replace it and then find it I'll give one of them away on this blog!! Because that is how we roll.

Knit on, Knitters!

Bad Larry's Pumpkin Blood Punch Recipe

Orange juice
Pineapple juice
Triple Sec
Gin
Southern Comfort.

Mix and serve over ice.

And don't say I didn't warn you.

Old dogs, Old tricks.

I could try to blame this on Bad Larry's Pumpkin Blood Punch.
I could say that I was not in my right mind.
I sent an email last night that I honestly had no business sending. To a person who will probably resent the fact that I sent it, will not reply in any way and all of my good intentions will be the paving stones that drown me.

I heard something that surprised me and made me feel some combination of sad and furious. And overprotective and entitled.
And the situation is full of tricky sharp edges. Admittedly, in my early twenties I would have run headlong into the fray, asserting my opinion and handing out band-aids. But I have grown in the last ten years and tend to hold my hands up in surrender and take to the high road at a flat run. My new mantra? "My dog is not in that fight."

Until last night. I can still recognize the signs. My first impulse was to drive to the person's house and have one of my infamous "come to Jesus" conversations. I was fixated and feeling anxious. "My dog is not in this fight" became "I have to do something. I have to do something."

Really? No. I don't.

Whatever is going on will not be changed or altered by my interference. Will not be "saved." People fuck up their lives all the time, every day. And they take others down with them.
It does not matter that I have been in a similar situation. It does not matter that I have fucked up (repeatedly) in just the same way. I could talk and preach and explain and plead until I run completely out of words and nothing would be any different at all.
It doesn't matter what I heard or didn't hear. It doesn't matter what I know or don't know.
My dog is not in this fight.

But, of course, I sent an email. A brief, carefully worded email that basically just said hey, people are talking about this and that's not good.

Immediately I felt like I had done something wrong. Immediately I felt like I had let someone down or like I had betrayed someone I really cared about.
And I guess I had. Letting this need to "help" get in the way of my new position on other people's lives and problems and dramas - that is, I'm totally there for you if you ask me to be but otherwise I know nothing, I see nothing, I hear nothing - sending that email negated years of careful distance and I let myself down.

And I guarantee that the effect my little "helpful" email will have, if any will not be good.