O-kaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy. Come Onnnnnnnnnnnn.

I have been accused of being impatient.
I know. This seems harsh and unfair, but it's true. There are people in this world who think I should just relax and let things unfold naturally.

But now that I get the whole 2-at-a-time sock thing I want to be DONE with this pair so that I can move on to my new STR shipment. Or some of the bajillion other skeins of sock yarn I have accumulated. There are Lucy socks to be knit! And Numma Numma Grape Jelly socks! And two different colors of Dream in Colour. And some Yarn Lust!! (And that's just what's in my car).

I want to surround myself with hand-knit socks.
I want to roll around on them in delight.
I want this process to go faster!

Two things:
1) Since Saturday - that's just five days - I have knit more than half of two socks. I am past the gusset decreases and am on the long stockinette foot part. A few more inches and I'll be decreasing again. That's pretty damn fast.
2) If I were knitting now, instead of playing around on the internet... tossing hamsters around... I'd get more done.

In other news... Check out my friend K's blog here... I ordered one of her cool rings. She is the nicest gal in the world. She is about seventeen-and-a-half months pregnant and still crafting away!

The Best Part

Just before we got to the theater last night Bean said, "Don't worry mom, everyone will laugh... one way or the other." Rotten child.

I had a great time and I did NOT yell "monkey ass monkey ass" into the microphone.

The best part, though, was not the fact that people laughed (in the appropriate places) as I read my essay. The best part was not the opportunity to meet Jill Conner-Brown AND The Cutest Boy in the World. The best part was not how gracious Bean was - considering I was basically totally making fun of her in front of 250 people. The best part was not even winning SPQ Diva sunglasses and a free copy of her newest book.

The best part was how many people showed up to support me! I know that some of you wanted to be there and couldn't make it - especially since I didn't even know about it until the last minute. My parents were there (and my dad laughed so hard I thought he was going to pee). My little brother and his girlfriend were there. Andie and the rascally Doug were there. Kerri and James (aka Mr. Kerri) were there and Shelly was there.

I feel really gushy about it - especially now. Since the divorce became a reality (rather than a nice daydream) I have been made fully aware of how many people really are there for me. It is an amazing thing to someone with my self-esteem and social anxiety issues. I am humbled and awed and so incredibly thankful for all of you and all of them.

I am also a little bit addicted now to reading stuff and having live people there laughing along. It was sort of nice. There was some 80's sitcom where one of the characters received a music box that played applause when it opened. Everyone needs one of those.

Good Day!!! GOOOOOOOD Day!!!

Two things...

I taught myself to knit two socks at a time last Saturday... using this book... but when I got to the picking up of stitches on either side of the heel flap I got stuck. Bad stuck. Throw the yarn across the room and scream stuck. So I did what any knitter would do in that situation. I said "Well fuck you too then," to the book and the socks, stuffed them in my bag and pulled out my ONE sock on DPN's and knit rows and rows of k2p2 ribbing.
This morning I pulled the book out again, apologized to the socks and the yarn and tried it again. And I figured it out.
I am rockin' my socks now. Apparently I got sock A and sock B confused. My goal is to complete three pairs of socks using this method before the class in March so that I can work the weird out. I also talked to Shelly and suggested stitch markers that say "Sock A" and "Sock B." That would be helpful.

The second thing... If you haven't ever heard of the Sweet Potato Queens get thyself to the bookstore!!

The Queen Herownself is in town today to give a reading. She is promoting her new book, The Sweet Potato Queen's Guide to Raising Children for Fun and Profit. Watermark, aka The Best Bookstore on the Planet had an essay contest and I am tied for first place with another person and they want me to READ my essay on STAGE in front of a whole huge crowd of SPQ fans!!!! Holy CRAP!!

For the essay I used the story of how Bean shaved her arms - which you can find here if you haven't already heard me tell it.

So tonight I'll be telling it again.
On stage.
In front of a lot of people.
And my parents.

Seriously, I hope I don't fall on my face or get a spontaneous nosebleed or find myself unable to say anything but "monkey ass, monkey ass."

If you're not busy come join the fun!! Tonight at The Orpheum at 7:00. Get there early - I just found out that I'll be on between 6:45 and 7:00. It's $5 to get in - and that's a contribution directly to The Orpheum.
If you can't make it, just think of me at 6:45 pm and hope that I am vertical and coherent!

De Rage has dried up Denial

Saturday was one of those days that I just love. I woke up late, went to Twist, learned a new knitting skill and came home late. (I can now knit two socks at once!! Come to Twist in March and I'll teach you!!)
When I got home the husband was sullen and twitchy... which quickly turned to enraged and determined to fight. I did not indulge... and I just let him go. From a distance it was actually sort of funny. He said things like, "You haven't done anything to improve yourself since we got married," except get a second job and go to graduate school, and "It isn't fair that you get the house and I get an apartment," and it isn't fair that he has been living rent-free for the last eighteen months while I work two jobs and go to school. This went on for FOUR HOURS. (Another gem: "Even if we took this to court you'd win because you have a vagina. The courts always side with whoever has the vagina" - and also the job. The court likes to give houses to people who have jobs. So basically the courts like vaginas and jobs? Awesome.

Sunday was better. We actually had a conversation and were able to approach our divorce realistically.

Bean will no longer be going home to just him though. I'm taking her to class with me tonight and I have called in some reinforcements. Hopefully my brother's girlfriend will agree to spend some time with her after school on the days I have class. She's in college and does odd jobs for spending money... I was thinking about $30 a week for two days of either picking her up or waiting for the bus and hanging out with her until I get home at 7:30.

I just can't risk her walking in to him in a rage like that. Who knows what he would say. I don't believe he is physically violent, but his emotional instability has me on edge now that he really has nothing to lose.

On the proactive divorce front, I have opened my own bank accounts, set up my direct deposits, told my (first) ex-husband what is going on and started scouting for boxes for his stuff.

Dishcloth Swap Question of the Week

There are many people who ADORE receiving hand-knit or crochet items; but there are just as many who have no appreciation whatever of how much love, work, and time goes into a hand-made item. Share a story of a hand-made gift you gave to someone and how it worked out - good, bad, or ugly!

I used to work with a woman... we'll call her Megan. She wasn't one of my best friends, but we spent some time together after work and stuff. There were four of us who would sometimes go to a movie or get dinner. When Megan got pregnant we were all happy for her... I started a log cabin baby blanket as soon as she announced the sex of the baby, and we decided to throw her a baby shower. She wanted a FULL-ON baby shower. Not the kind of low-key, relaxed food and cake kind of affair that I would have wanted, but a shower worthy of her Junior League friends. We worked our asses off and spent WAAAAAAY more money than we could afford and we threw her a fabulous baby shower.
She said thank you and sent the appropriate thank-you cards... and then she went on maternity leave. She stopped returning calls and emails to all of us.
About a month later we all got emails announcing the birth of her baby. I had finished the blanket at that point so I waited a few weeks and then called her to set up a time to visit her at home.
When I got there she was in her room. Her brother let me in and then I sat in her living room for almost half an hour. Alone. Finally she came in with the baby. The baby was cute and she looked exhausted. I told her I wouldn't stay long. She opened the gift bag with the blanket in it, said, "Oh, thanks," and stuffed it back into the bag.
I chalked it up to exhaustion and didn't think much of it at the time... but I never received a thank you note... she never returned any of my calls.
She didn't come back to work and we all kept trying to get in touch with her - we were sort of worried about her, since she dropped off from all of us. About a year later, Andie and I ran into her at Target. She acted like nothing had happened and actually said, "Thank God for my Junior League friends! This year has been really rough."
We apparently weren't good enough to be her friends anymore. I wanted to ask her for my blanket back.

Holy Reality Batman!

The husband and I just had a rational, realistic conversation about him moving out.
And about the fact that he should just sign the house over to me and be done with it.

Wow.

It's the first time - ever - that we have had a conversation about these things that didn't end up with him yelling at me.

He also asked if I was seeing someone else. No, of course. But I have been waiting for him to go there... ("It can't be my fault that she wants me to go, therefore there must be someone else that she wants to be with"). He also said that there were now trust issues for him. That even if he managed to fix everything he was worried that the next time there were problems I'd start talking about divorce again. I felt that was a very understandable and appropriate thing to think about.

And he said he knew I was done.

I don't think this was all a dream... I guess we'll see.

But I finally feel like there is some hope. Not for our relationship, but for the successful and mature dissolution of our relationship.

First Day of Class!!

Yes, I'm a geek.

I have my handy dandy Trapper Keeper stocked with paper and I'm ready to rock. I even have new clothes. My first class is "Practice in Addictions," which sounded a lot more fun before I realized that the focus is abstaining from the object of one's addiction. Where's the fun in that?

(Note to self: there probably won't be an addictions show and tell, so you can remove the eight pounds of yarn and chocolate from your bag before class).

I know, there is nothing at all funny about addiction.
I'll move on.

Last night was a blast - I had some knitters over for chili and knitting and a good time was had by all. I might be more in love with my chili recipe than it deserves, but it's my dad's recipe and it is fast and easy and makes fab-o chili. The secret? Ground beef and boneless pork chops. Once the meat is all cooked through you cut the pork into bite-sized bits and it is sooooooooo good. It's even really pretty healthy and low-fat until you add loads of cheddar cheese and sour cream. (The secret to the "low fat" is choosing the right meat and then boiling it and draining most of the fat away before you cut it up and add the rest of the ingredients).

I did not get much sleep (again) last night. The husband stayed in the den, but I just couldn't get comfortable. While I wasn't sleeping I organized my swap information... which is to say, I'm in 2 swaps right now, so I made lists of my pals' likes and dislikes and thought about possibilities for their gifties. This is my favorite part of the swap process... I love the shopping for someone else part. I have some ideas for both of them. The swap through Ravelry is not an anonymous swap, and there are only two of us (out of almost 40 I think) who smoke. (Yay!!) Despite the fact that we both were adamant about the fact that we do not smoke anywhere near our fiber we were put together. Which is totally fine - she seems like a great gal. But those of you who have been in my house or out to dinner with me know that if you didn't know that I smoked you wouldn't know that I smoked. There's a secret there, too: no smoking inside. And also? I think I smoke a pack a week. A lady at work laughed at that and said I might as well not even smoke at all... and she's right. I would be willing to bet that as soon as the husband moves out I won't smoke anymore. But quitting when there is someone in front of you is harder than I'm willing to work.

And we've cycled back to a discussion of addictions...

"I'm OK!"

That's actually a family joke... Bean and I are, a-hem, somewhat less graceful than we would like to be. This started when Bean was very young - younger than two. You'd hear a crash and run into her room and she would have just dropped a stack of plastic dishes or something, so she started yelling, "I'm OK" every time there was a loud noise. The first time I flew with her she was 18 months old or so and the plane made a loud noise. She hollered. "I'm OK" and the passengers in the rows around us laughed.

Of course, I am a potty mouth. So when I drop something it's "Fuck! I'm OK!"

Anyway... I'm OK. I'm still a little shaky, but my temperature is back to normal and I'm back at work. The Dream Engineer is out right now picking up Tomato Bisque from the Best Bookstore/Cafe ever, and all is right with the world.

You know how I joke about "accidentally" ordering yarn? Well, it sort of caught up with me!
I was awake for a total of about 3 hours yesterday. Long enough to periodically refill my orange juice, take more NyQuil and check my email while it took effect. According to the emails that awaited me this morning, I also ordered a knitting book from Amazon and some yarn from The Loopy Ewe.
I have no memory of this.

I remember emailing back and forth with Sally, and I managed to schedule a training class with my boss at my other job (and even managed to put it in my planner) but otherwise? All blank. If I talked to you (or sent you a senseless email) yesterday I'm sorry... apparently my Id was more active than the rest of me!

Anyway, my swaps are firmly underway! I discovered that my dishcloth swap pal can not get a certain kind of inexpensive yarn that I can get here for cheap. I am thinking that she needs a big ol' box of it along with her other goodies!!

Also, school starts for me on Thursday!! Hoo-Ray!!!

I have the flu

Current temp: 100.6
24-hour high: 103.2
24-hour low: 95.8

I happen to know that my basal temp is 96.2... so even 100.2 is miserable. I am achy and grumpy and full of oj and diet sprite and ginger ale.
Last night when my temp spiked I alternated between an intense fear that I was going to die and an equally intense hope that I would.

Hope you are doing better than I am today!

Friday News Roundup...

Bean's teacher called me around 1:00. She was fairly shaken up. Bean apparently was eating a hot dog and choked - another teacher had to do the Heimlich Maneuver.
She has a history of eating too much too quickly and choking... this is the third time since she was three that she couldn't take care of it on her own. This scares the crap out of me... mostly because I thought she had grown out of this and she is becoming more independent. I worry that this will happen when there isn't anyone around to help her.
I picked her up and she stuck pretty close to me for a few hours. I think this one shook her up too.

Tonight at dinner we practiced eating small bites and chewing them slowly.

Bean ALSO had an appointment with the oral surgeon today. They are pulling her wisdom teeth and 6 of her baby teeth in three weeks. I was fine until they handed me the "scary surgery" consent/release form. I know that even if they are treating you for a hangnail they have to get this release, but it is difficult as a mother (parent) to look at a list of all of the potential negative outcomes and then sign and say, "Sure, Doc, try not to screw up!"
In times like this my admiration for parents with chronically sick kids multiplies.

Then we went and spent our bookstore gift cards (and then some) from Christmas.
I bought:
Madam Secretary by Madeline Albright
Body Surfing by Anita Shreve
Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein
Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination by Helen Fielding
A Perfect Divorce by Avery Corman
(and last but not least)
Life of Pi by Yann Martel

I know, right?!?

That should last me through February - maybe even part of March as the semester is about to start.

Then we met Andie for dinner and two (count 'em, two) movies. We ate popcorn and shared Twizzlers and Whoppers. I totally love movie night.
We saw 27 Dresses - very funny. Funnier and smarter than I thought it would be. And then we saw Atonement. Oh my god. Wow. If you haven't read the book you should... and then see the movie. I read the book years ago and my memories of the ending are sort of fuzzy, but some of the scenes from the book that really made an impression on me were in the movie in such amazing detail.

Tomorrow I am sleeping in and then meeting a friend for lunch and then we are off to the LYS for some knitting and lounging and talking and assorted good times.

And guess what kids? I managed to get the day off on Monday!!

Holes! In My Pants!!

I own three pairs of blue jeans. I bought them all at roughly the same time, from the same store, they are the same size.

Only one pair fits.
As in, I don't have to zip them in a horizontal position. As in, they go on, the zipper comes up with ease and they feel good on. The other two pairs?
Ugh. They dig into my waist and make me feel like I'm being cut in half by the end of the day.

Consequently, I really only wear one pair.

Consequently, that one pair has a hole forming. In the buttock. And I didn't notice until about - oh - thirty minutes ago. So I've been wandering around all day with a hole in the buttock of my favorite pair of jeans.
And I'm not young/skinny/trendy enough to patch it with something festive and move on. I would like to divert attention away from that general area. Generally speaking.

Luckily it is cold today so I've been wearing a long sweater and I don't think that anyone else noticed.

The weird thing? I keep having to remind myself not to pull on the edges of the hole that is forming. (I know. I told you it was weird). I like ripping fabric - the sound it makes and how there is this moment of tension when you think it won't rip and then RIIIIIIIIIIIIIP! It's like popping bubble wrap... just odd.

And also? When the hole is in the buttock it is generally best to leave it alone, lest people get the wrong idea.

The student loan fairy finally showed up. I ordered my books and then bought a Trapper Keeper. A green one. And some paper.
And pencils, erasers and glue sticks, but those are for Bean.
I always get really excited about school supplies, but there is something about a Trapper Keeper that is really special. I need to find some scratch-and-sniff stickers for the inside... and some grape Hubba Bubba.

I also might have purchased some yarn... maybe...
And also an expansion pack for my Sims game.

I have the impulse control of a fifteen-year-old boy. Seriously.

BUT tonight is knitting in public at Chipotle!! I haven't been to a KIP meeting in a long time. I'm working on Tofutsie socks and Lizard Ridge, and I have 2 mystery projects going on - unfortunately they will both need to be done around the same time - which would be soon. One of them is almost finished (I think) and one of them requires some collecting and assemblage... and that's all I'm going to say about that.

I am still not sleeping. I don't know what's going on. (That's a lie, isn't it?) OK. I DO know what's going on, but I don't know how to fix it. Yet. I bought some sleeping pills, but by the time I am desperate enough to actually use them it's too late to take them. I need to just start taking them when Bean goes to bed and get sleep whether The Daily Show is on or not.
With the semester starting soon I need to get more regular sleep.

That would also be part of the "take better care of myself" pledge I made for New Year's.

I also talked to Bean this morning... she seems reluctant to leave on the weekends and it occurred to me that she might be feeling like I "need' her to stay home. I looked her in the eye and said, "You know I'm fine, right?" She said yes and looked away. I looked her in the eye again and said, "Even if I cry. Even if I'm sad. I am fine." The look of relief on her little face broke me in half. I need to be better about recognizing her fears.

The Student Loan Fairy is Late - And other disappointments

Disappointment #1
I always get the direct deposit the first day. Always. Now I'm hovering over my bank's website, refreshing my account obsessively.
Hi, student loan people? GIVE ME MY DAMN MONEY. Thank you.
Disappointment #2
The writer's strike is not over. I don't know what it is going to take for the executives to figure out that the writers need to be paid for their work. I'm ready to just download a bunch of stuff to my iPod and turn off the TV entirely.
Oh. Wait.
Disappointment #3
Doctors are conspiring to take away our caffeine.
First it was wanton casual sex, then cigarettes and vodka. Then salt, saturated fat, carbs, high fructose corn syrup and now caffeine.
What's next Doc? Yarn?!?
Is there NO vice I can cling to? Luckily one of my major vices is sleeping and as far as I know sleep is still something that we actually need to survive.
(I am watching the Colbert Report and he is eating Lo Mein. I'm hungry now. For carbs and fat and salt and sex and cigarettes and coffee and vodka. Pretty much in that order).

In brighter news:

I worked on my Lizard Ridge today at work. It's amazing to me how nice this yarn is to work with, considering how scratchy it seems. I bought some wool wash at Twist the other day so I can wash and block some of the squares.

Speaking of Twist... there is a new KAL coming. The Oblique cardigan. I bought some Eco Wool for Mr. Greenjeans, but I might use it for Oblique instead. Or I might buy some more yarn. Whatever.

I finished my first sock of the year (pics when it has a mate). I made SO many mistakes that I am surprised that it actually fits on a human foot... now I have to remember exactly where I screwed up so that I can re-create it. For example, I split the stitches up unevenly between the top and bottom of the foot of the sock. When I got to the toe decreases I had to decrease a LOT more on top... and somehow it fits really nicely.

Sally and I are planning a little weekend trip in a few weeks. It will be so nice to get out of town and have a relaxing weekend. And there will be yarn, cheese and books involved. Score!

I talked to Bean about planning a trip to Italy and she is firmly on board. She said, "So we can stay a month or something?" I said, "Well, I will still have to work... maybe ten days, two weeks." She said, "A month would be cool, though." Luckily, she is still interested in science and technology so when SHE is 32 and I am 53 she will be able to take ME to Italy for a month.

Isn't it nice that the list of things I'm happy about is longer than the list of disappointments?

I Lived Like a Cat!

And now I don't want to live like a person anymore!!

I woke up around 11am and the cats and I had a snack. Then we groomed ourselves - me in the shower of course... living like a cat is fun, but one has to draw the line somewhere!!

My mom's birthday was yesterday so we went out to lunch (that is, I allowed them to feed me) and then I went to Twist for some yarn play. They have the Berocco Comfort SOCK yarn. Yes, it is acrylic, but it is also self-striping and comes in beautiful blues and greens. Sigh. I got some Soxx Appeal yarn, too and signed up for the On Your Toes sock club.

Then it was time for napping. Sammie and I took over the bed and had a lovely sleep. My brother's band was playing at a local bar so Michelle the Wonderful came over, rubbed on my neck for awhile (it's ugly - I carry all of my stress there) and then we went out cattin' around.

We decided that we are all too old to be hanging around bars so as soon as their set was done we all went home. They did a great job - they are all really dedicated to practice and it shows.

Now I'm at work - we have 2 clients in the unit and are expecting 2 more, so it's a full house tonight. Luckily at 8 it will be my turn to sit in the phone center and the other case manager can babysit. I brought a good snack - graham crackers and chocolate milk - and there is a whole season of Robot Chicken on my iPod. I'm all set.

I have also been thinking about planning a big vacation. Sort of a long-term planning thing. I was poking around online looking at vacations and you can rent a house in Italy for $800 a week... so I started thinking about how much fun it would be to go to Italy with Bean (and whoever else wants to go). There are locations in cities and in the country... some near beaches even. We could go and just veg out and eat and sleep and basically reenact the first third of Eat, Pray, Love.

If we start saving now we could have a kick-ass vacation in a few years. Seriously.

Anyone else want to come?!?

One More Day!!

Guess what tomorrow is. Just guess.
Here's a hint:



It's Live Like a Cat Day!!!!



Are you excited????


No. You're not. Excited is dog behavior.

Want to know my plans for Live Like a Cat Day?

No. You don't. Interest is dog behavior.

And also cats don't make plans.
They just go with the flow.
"The flow" being full of food, yarn, napping and food. And napping.

Defeat The Winter Doldrums Questions!!

(It's swappin' time again!!)
Sign-ups start on the 11th for the newest round of the dishcloth swap. I had a grand time last round... If you're interested the info is here.


1. Do you knit, crochet, or do both? Knit

2. What types of needles do you enjoy using for making dishcloths? Metal needles are my favorites... but I do have some Daisy plastic needles that I love

3. What types of cotton do you enjoy using for making dishcloths? Is there any that you've been wanting to try? I am a Peaches and Cream girl!

4. What color(s) are your kitchen and bath decorated in (if any)? Kitchen is greens and neutral tones, Bathroom is purples

5. What are your favorite colors for yarns? Least favorite? I love cools and neutrals, reds, yellow and oranges are my least favorite.

6. Do you like Winter, or do you count the days until it ends? I count the days until is ends. I am a fall/spring lover

7. What's your favorite way to brighten your day when you're down in the dumps? Knitting, movies, spending time with friends

8. What is your favorite treat to indulge in and when your down in the dumps? Ice cream - not very helpful for a swap, huh? Oreos, Snickers... and lately I've had this Tootsie Roll thing!

9. Do you drink coffee? Tea? Cocoa? Yes, yes, and yes. Know what's really good? Cocoa in your coffee!

10. If you could take a vacation starting tomorrow and go anywhere for one week and money were no object, where would you go and what would you do? I would go to Europe and just relax. Like the first part of Eat, Pray, Love. You know, the eating part.

11. Do you have any allergies or aversions your pal should be aware of? Nope

I Went to Jail!

For work... but I did get locked in briefly.

I went with the therapist to do some intakes on Sunday. We met with two women... and I went over the basic program information and financial questions and releases while she did the actual therapeutic part. Obviously I got done long before she did so I left first.

To get out of the visitation part of the jail you go into a holding cell, press a button and wait for the guards downstairs to buzz you out to the elevators. Then you wait until they release the elevators and then you can leave the building. I went into the holding cell (complete with the movie-sounding clank as the door slammed shut) and pushed the button. Nothing happened. Nothing. And the guard at the booth behind me was on the phone and had his back to me. I pressed the button again and looked into the camera with (what I hope was) a professional and slightly annoyed look. I took a deep breath, said "I will not have a panic attack at the jail" silently three times and then pushed the button again.

Finally the door buzzed and I was "free" to get on the elevator.
They were quicker with the elevator.

While I am proud that I didn't actually freak out it did sort of bother me.
Also, I bought myself a "comfort" cheeseburger on the way back to the office.
I am going to stop doing that. (I am).

Sigh.

Speaking of persistent problems... the mother-in-law came over - unannounced and uninvited - to "have it out" with the husband. She said she knew I was going to be home and she wanted a witness so that there wouldn't be "any misunderstandings." Whatever.
She basically told him that she was tired of him not taking any initiative and taking care of himself physically. She is worried because he's "all she has left" and if he is unable to take care of himself how can she possibly trust him to take care of her.
Pretty much everything I said to him the other night... and really, every other night for the past 6 months or so.
I tried to remain as neutral as possible... but wanted to either agree with her and say "this is why I want you to leave" or stand on the sofa and scream, "I AM NOT YOUR SOCIAL WORKER!!!"

In response to Gwen's question from the comments... she wanted to know if this was his "last" chance:
There is either hope that this relationship can work or there isn't. Right now there isn't. I'm allowing him to drag it out out of a sense of fairness... it is possible (however unlikely) that he can make significant changes and I don't want there to be any doubt that I gave this every chance I could.
Getting married a second time was difficult for me. Getting divorced a second time will be harder still. I can chalk the first marriage up to being too young and making bad decisions, but surely I should know better by now. Surely I should be able to make appropriate decisions now.
Apparently not.
Apparently I am unable to sustain a relationship past the three-year mark and I honestly feel like a complete failure. What kind of message am I sending to my child? What kind of example is this?
Don't answer.

Husband Transformation Progress Report

Day 1: Subject slept through the day, waking briefly to scratch, cough and smoke then complained about clear lack of Nachos in the house. When Nachos were not forthcoming, subject went back into the den and played video games.

Day 2: See day 1

Day 3: See Day 1

This writer feels that without a variation in the established routine (or a damn good fairy godmother) the promised 60-day transformation is bound to fail miserably. This writer questions her own sanity and wonders why the couple persists in carrying out this charade.

This writer needs a margarita.

We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Whine Fest...

To bring you some KNITTING content!

Every year the Bloggers decide they're going to knit from their stashes and not buy new yarn (except for sock yarn)(especially sock yarn). I've decided to do something a little different.

It's Knit Selfishly in 2008!! As an extension of my "No Christmas Knitting" I have decided that I will not knit for anyone else this year (unless I decide that it will make me really really happy to - for example, y'all know I'm going to be knitting for the wee bun in Lia's oven). My intention is to knit mostly from the stash, but that doesn't mean that I won't be lurking in the sock corner at Twist and typing "sock yarn" in the search engine on Etsy.

I need to do some serious stash photographing - if only to update my home owner's insurance file - so I will be posting some stash pics soon. I also managed to move quite a bit of my stash to the trunk in the living room. That was one of my favorite parts of New Year's, by the way. Both couples included fiber junkies and I opened the stash trunk and we spent a few minutes ooohing and aaahing.

I love my friends!

Where We Are Now

In the land of compromise... Sort of.
The husband and I were up until 5 this morning having the "I don't want to move out" "I want you to move out" conversation. Here are the highlights:

-He says he would never do this to me and he doesn't want to lose "what we have"
-I want him to be gone by the end of February
-He says he can turn things around by then
-I agreed that if he could, in fact, turn things around by then he can stay

Then I went to bed and tossed and turned and couldn't figure out what was bothering me about this. Then I realized it was three things:

1. I would never put him in a position where he would feel like the only thing he could do to save himself is ask me to leave
2. If he can "turn things around" by the end of February why has it come to this? Why did I have to get to this point to see some action?
3. Hope is a 4-letter word

Don't get me wrong, I would love to not get a divorce. I would love for our relationship to be what it should be. I just don't know that it's possible. And getting my hopes up again seems really cruel. So I'm going to carry on as usual and see what he accomplishes in the next 60 days or so.

He asked me what he specifically needs to fix. And here's the thing - I don't know. Obviously he needs to get a job. Duh. But beyond that I'm clueless. I told him that I was tired of being the one to suggest things and that it was my turn to be convinced. I said that he needed to figure out what he needed to do to be more active participant in his own life and then we could work on us... and he was going to have to figure out how to convince me that we should stay together.

If I could tell him what to do I wouldn't need to be convinced, right?

But really? I just want to be happy. I just want my kid to be happy. I just want to finish graduate school and get a good job and not worry so much about money. I want to be healthier and nicer to people I don't like. I want to stop sleeping all the time and I want to keep my house cleaner. Is he involved in any of that?

I guess it's too soon to tell.
I'll let you know March 1st.

I Look Like a Dork

I'm wearing sweatpants and my trusty (and oh so warm) grad school hoodie. The problem is that my pants seem to have shrunk vertically in the wash so there is a 2-inch gap between the bottom of the pants and the top of my socks.
Not a good look.
Also not warm.

Luckily, I am 32 and tired so it's OK that I don't really care.
Except that it is really cold today. Really. Cold.
And there weren't many cars on the road (as most normal people don't have to work today) so my drive to work was especially bleak this morning. I always somehow expect the first day of the New Year to be sunny and beautiful and enlightening somehow.
Doesn't it seem like the New Year should begin somewhere in March or April anyway? Isn't that when the whole "rebirth" thing happens in nature? Who makes up these stupid holidays and why aren't they paying attention to details?!?

I did finally get some sleep last night. I am trying to go without caffeine today, though, so that as soon as I get home from work I can just roll back into bed. And there is plenty of soup (and other miscellaneous party food) left over so I am not even going to have to make the decision about what to eat for dinner!!

Anyway... I'm not making any stupid resolutions this year. I never follow them anyway. But I am going to try to take better care of myself. I know that's very vague and open to interpretation... Oreos are physically bad for me but emotionally oh so good. Does that make them good or bad? I think that taking better care means that I have two or three and work on figuring out why they make me feel so much better emotionally. Hmmmmm. Tricky.

Bean will be back from her dad's house tomorrow and we're going out to dinner with Emilie and Derek before they leave town. Taking better care of myself also means vacations so we're going to plan a trip this summer to see their new house and spend more time with them. They're only here for a few days over Christmas and I have to share them with their families. It's so unfair.

Happy New Year!

Obligatory First Post of the Year (and bonus recipe)

It's 2am and I'm still up... which would be great, but my guests left two hours ago and I have to work in the morning!!

My little party was nice. Sally and Lael came over and Emilie and Derek were in town. I have known all of them for a long-assed time. (Emilie and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary as friends this year). There is a certain comfort in that. Not just that they know my stories and we have a lot of shared history, but for me it is comforting that they have all known me for a long time and still want to hang out at my house for five hours!!
Of course, I had all of my usual party anxieties, but I think things went well. The husband did not participate, which I think was fine with everyone involved.

I made a version of Andie's soup (recipe to follow) and served garlic dip, crackers, cheese, grapes, and melba toast with cream cheese and cucumber slices. Emilie and Derek brought dessert and Sally and Lael brought two kinds of bread.

Andie's Soup
sliced mushrooms (2 cups or so)
olive oil
garlic (4 or 5 cloves)
canned tomatoes
chicken broth (2 cans)
2-3 cups shredded chicken (I put 3-4 chicken breasts in the crock pot with a can of broth and let it cook all day - it shreds easily and requires very little effort. Andie uses this recipe with leftover turkey from Thanksgiving)
a cup of sliced carrots
a cup of chopped celery
a cup of lentils
a cup of pasta (macaroni or shells)
12 ounces (or so) of V-8 juice
Parmesan cheese

saute the garlic and mushrooms in olive oil until the mushrooms are very tender
put mushrooms and V-8 in the blender and puree (this works for any veggies that your family typically won't eat)
pour into a stock pot
add all other ingredients (except cheese and pasta)
add more water as necessary

From here it can cook until the veggies and lentils are ready or you can leave it on the stove on low for three hours while you run around like a crazy person making sure your house is fit for company. Ask me how I know.
You could probably do this in a crock pot too... if you had one that was big enough.

About 20 minutes before serving:
Add at least 2 more cups of water and pasta, cook until pasta is tender.
Serve with cheese on top.

Happy New Year... let's hope this one is better than last year!