Un-Categorical

My mom made me go to church on Christmas Eve.

No, I did not burst into flames.

It was ok... despite the fact that it was one of those "hipster" churches that tries to appeal to the younger audience with rock-based Christmas music and full-scale productions.

I am really a more traditional girl. What I want from a Christmas Eve service is to sing a few hymns, read a few bible verses, hear a short sermon full of hope, etc.

Anyway, there was a card with the program that was handed out as you walked into the sanctuary. If you wanted more information about the church you could fill it out and they would contact you... and while I had no intention of filling it out I did happen to notice that they apparently thought there were only two categories of people on the entire planet: Married or Single.

I am neither of those things.

I think I would have felt better if they had also included Widowed, because of all the categories that one feels most accurate, as widowed is neither married nor single.

I am in a long-term committed relationship, which makes me "not single," (and also "not married" and also "not going to be married") but even if That Bad Bad Man weren't around I still wouldn't feel single. Or married. And I certainly wouldn't feel Single with the implied search for Married.

Am I really an aberration?

And why does it matter so much? Why have the boxes at all? I understand the necessity of those boxes for financial forms and census information... but for a church?

I know it's not a big deal. It's just a form for a church that I wasn't going to attend anyway, but it is such a strange thing to be marginalized in unexpected ways.

Christmas Day

I woke up late to find both of the older kitties asleep with me. Apparently the fastest way to bond with someone is to have a common enemy! I sort of knew this already, but this is a nice illustration. I fed Sheldon and made sure the older girls had water and then took a shower and headed over to Sally's for lunch.

She made the BEST ham. Holy cats. We knitted and had tea and cookies and then I came to work. I am on the air for a few hours and then we're off to see a movie.
A fairly perfect Christmas Day.

Tomorrow I'm going to sleep in again... and then probably spend the rest of the day at Twist.

So far this is the best Christmas I've had in a long time. I love being single and not feeling like I have to negotiate visits with someone else's family. I love that my sister and her family were in Kansas City this year - I love them, but it's so crazy with the little kids there. I love that Sally spent Christmas Eve with my family - our best stories come out when we have company.

I got a set of really nice pots and pans from my uncle and some fabulous Italian cookbooks from my mom. I also got yarn and stitch markers, and Sally and I both got flannel jammies...

Bean got a new coat and an iPod and about a hundred thousand other things.

But I didn't feel too rushed this year, not too stressed. I guess it's all relative. I think that one of the things I learned from Jeff was to not put too much energy into things I can't control. I have limits and boundaries, and I can control the things inside them, but everything else is beyond me - as it should be.

I hope you all had a nice Holiday too!

Good, Sweet Things

This kitty is so sweet and lovely. We visited my mom yesterday and s/he settled in nicely and didn't poo on anything even though we fed her there. We got home and s/he spent a little time in the bathroom while I got ready for bed and then s/he came in and snuggled with me. I read for awhile and knitted and surfed the internets and s/he napped sweetly, waking long enough to snuggle and purr and then go back to sleep.
This cat totally fits in with the vibe in my house.

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My friend Kate posted this recipe for lemon ginger syrup on her blog. Kate is awesome and I think this handy dandy syrup proves it.

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My parents made what The fabulous Michelle calls "chocolate crack" and I have been calling "another reason to live." Oreos crushed up and mixed with (get this) cream cheese then rolled in balls and dipped in chocolate. Jackie made these once but they were gone before I tried them.
Holy God they're fabulous.
Mom says the next batch is going to also have crushed up candy canes in it.
I love you, Mom.

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I realized this weekend that I actually kept my New Year's Resolution this year. I resolved to take better care of myself and I think I have. There have been some really crappy things this year that have forced me to either take care of myself or lose myself and there have been times when I was operating entirely in "survivor" mode... but this time last year felt very heavy and bleak and hopeless. This year I feel lots of hope and possibility.

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I also realized that yes, there have been some crappy aspects of this year, but the good things have been amazing. Regaining my self esteem, for example. Learning to forgive myself. Finding out that my capacity to love wasn't irrevocably damaged by my time with Jeff.
This time last year Sally and I were just casual friends and That Bad, Bad Man wasn't really even on my radar. I don't know how I could ever have made it through this year without either one of them.

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Going to visit Marianne and Mike and Emilie and Derek for my birthday. I needed that trip so much and Bean and I had a great trip, except for the bus.

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Which is one of the reasons we're flying to North Carolina to visit my cousin and her family in January. I bought my tickets today and we're all set. The last time we saw her was when Bean was a baby.

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So happy holidays everyone! I hope that we all make it through the next few days with grace and calm and happiness.

New Kitteh

So the kitten has come home to us. Of course I have been too busy cooing over her to remember to grab the camera. She is a little young, but she has figured out eating and drinking and pooping in the litter. Right now she lives in the bathroom when I'm not home and that seems to suit her just fine. She was even playing last night when Sally was over. Sally would place one of her little blocks in front of her and she would "stalk" it and then jump on it and then immediately back up into Sally's sweater for safety.
After Sally left I moved her carrier into the bedroom and let her explore there. She is so curious and funny!! She likes to retreat into the cat carrier for security, so as long as it's nearby she is willing to look around and play.
The other cats are not impressed. Serena has been through this kitten thing before so she's not as traumatized as poor Sammie. Sally and Sophie were cuddling in the big green chair and Serena sat on the arm of the chair with her back to the cuteness. Sammie acts as though we have brought a large dog into the house. She won't come near Sophie at all and spends her time growling and hissing at her.
I did buy wet cat food to bribe them all into submission.
Other than sleeping and shopping and eating out that was my whole weekend.
I still have Christmas shopping to do... and I need to get on it! I have a plan for the remaining gifts so now I just need to follow that plan. I have managed to shop mostly at small, local businesses; Food For Thought, Lucinda's, Watermark, Twist. It really does make a difference and it makes me feel better. I'm having a really hard time sticking to my list though (obviously, otherwise I would be totally done!!). There are three people that I keep finding little things for and I can't stop myself. Bean, of course, That Bad Bad Man, and Sally.
Oh Bean... one of the things on her list this year was an OED. I know, right!! I'm THRILLED about this.... but I'm still not buying a $250 dictionary for a 12-year-old. Instead I bought a nice Oxford dictionary that has some word origins and nice definitions. It's a start.
I will post kitteh pics soon. You'll fall in love with her, too. Sally and Andie both want kittens now.

Holiday Retail Therapy

So the money did finally arrive.

In the end it was actually a very simple transaction... and I didn't even cry.
Bean and I ran right out and bought a Wii (yes, we found one at the very first store!!) and I have replaced my laptop (with a shiny new HP).
I may also have ordered a few things online.
Maybe.
Then I had a lovely little shopping spree at Twist last night. I should be embarrassed by how much money I spent... but I'm totally not. I bought goodies for my SP13 pal, and I bought yarn for a baby blanket and I bought some of those new square needles that everyone seems to love so much... and of course some sock yarn... and yarn for three more versions of That Scarf.
I found a button that matches my Greenjeans cardigan perfectly and Bean bought it for me for Christmas. I love that kid.

I did also pay bills.

And I got a package from my secret pal last night!! I'm assuming it's my final package because it was one HOLY CRAP THAT'S AWESOME after another. Of course, my camera is out of batteries and I can't seem to remember to buy new ones so I have no photographic evidence... but there were three pairs of fingerless gloves and sock yarn and many, many other goodies. I have the best SP ever.

In other news, there is going to be another baby in my house!!

When That Bad Bad Man found out his cat was "in a family way" I absolutely put my foot down about more kitties in my house. "Two is enough!" I shouted. "No more cats!!"

Then he sent me this:

My first response was "Lookit! My new kitty!"
If it turns out to be a girl I want to call her Sophie and for a boy I'm thinking Simon. Or maybe Sebastian.

OK. But after this? Seruiously? No more kitties. I am in danger of becoming one of those crazy cat ladies.

Christmas Already?!?

So all along I've been thinking that I would make a pair of socks for my mom for Christmas... socks don't take a lot of time and I have been a knitting machine lately. (Seriously. Greenjeans? More than halfway done). I kept thinking I had plenty of time, as Christmas is waaaaaaaay at the end of the month.
Then yesterday I realized that it was the 16th... and Christmas is, you know, next week. Those socks will probably not get done.
And also? My super secret knitting project? Not going to get done either.
Oh well.
I did have some Christmas knitting that did get done... That Scarf is done and waiting to be wrapped, and the Danica that I made for my aunt.

This whole season has been sort of a surprise to me. I have been in a sort of holding pattern since Halloween or so. Maybe it's Bartleby-related, or maybe it's just that I've been so busy trying to get school and practicum stuff done. More likely it's that the money isn't here yet. I have been holding my breath since the end of October because initially the money was supposed to be ready "in early November."
Then it was "early December."
Then it was "3 to 5 business days from December 2nd."
Then it was "December 16th."
Now it's "today at 4."
We'll see.

They keep getting more specific about time... so I'm taking that as a good sign.

Yesterday after I talked to them I went home and slept more or less all afternoon. Then I got up and made dinner and spent time with Bean and then slept for the rest of the evening. Then I watched some late-night TV and slept all night. Deep, dreamless sleep. The kind of sleep I used to do before he died. The kind of sleep that you do when there just isn't anything else you can do to deal with your world.

I just want this to be done.

Speaking of done... this semester is over. I still have about 60 hours to complete at The Vet Center, so I'll be working the next few weeks to get that out of the way, but my papers are in and class is over. A big part of my grade for one class was the presentation that we did when I was so sick... the one where I totally forgot to add a slide that explained the most important part of the theory... and we got an A. Not just an A. We also got extra credit for choosing a difficult theory... so 64 points out of 60. Yay us! This is the group that I'm working on the final research project with, so double yay.

Have a great day!

Last Night was Not for Knitting

Andie and Sally and I went to a movie last night (Rachel Getting Married - I loved it but Sally had to leave because the hand-held camera aspect of it made her feel sick. Just a warning). Because I am not a girl who can knit cables without a cable needle in the dark I dug out the 2/3 finished Clapotis the Second. There was just a teeny bit of yarn left from the current ball so I found the final ball of yarn... apparently the kitties (Sammie) found it first. It wasn't completely demolished, but it was very tangled.

I spent the first 45 minutes we were there trying to untangle the yarn. In the dark.
Then I gave up and thought I'd just knit until I ran out of yarn and then stop. But I dropped a stitch - which you can do in the Clapotis... but only in scheduled increments. Because I didn't notice the dropped stitch until the next row it was further down than I could pick up in the dark.

On the way home I realized that Rachel Getting Married was the first serious movie I've seen in more than a year that I have actually liked. We saw Smart People and I hated it... but I know that lots of people thought is was great. I think that's the last "film" I saw. Lately I have been drawn to high-energy action or toilet-humor comedy, but serious nomination-worthy movies? Not so much. And don't get me started on the schlocky romance-comedies that I used to love... I think it's similar to my earlier inability to knit anything more complicated than garter stitch. For a long time my brain just didn't have room for thinking about anything else. The stimulation was too much and it just left me numb.
Now I'm cabling without a cable needle. (This may not seem like a big deal to you, but naked, unsecured stitches are scary!)

Yes, Virginia, it does get better.

Slowly.

This week has been high anxiety, low in rationality. Funny how those things are rarely present at the same time. By Thursday I had myself worked up into a frenzy of doubt and angst and irrational negative self-talk.
The irony is that I also spent this week writing a final paper for class that talks about three different treatment modalities for mental illnesses that are characterized by rigid negative self-talk. Hmmmmmmmm.

I used Bartleby as a case study again. I had to work up a complete assessment and his problems are so dynamic... and I know them well enough to answer for him. It's the assessment that I wish he had gotten. Often for class purposes we use movies, assessing the characters as though we could change the ending by intervening earlier in the narrative. I complete these assessments on him as though this history could be rewritten.

It reminds me that there is no assessment, no intervention, no treatment plan that will save someone who doesn't want to be saved. No amount of love or commitment or fierceness can change what wouldn't change anyway.
Which is sad, and also comforting. It also means that if someone wants to be saved that there is hope, and it means that if the thing that won't be changed is a positive thing that you don't want changed there is security.

And aren't hope and security all we really want anyway?

Maths Impaired

I am a liberal arts girl. BA in English, BA in Communications and (almost) MA in Social Work.
Ignoring the fact that I did take college Algebra and Calculus... I have never been good a the math.

BUT EVEN I CAN COUNT.

On December 2nd the lawyer said three to five business days. Three would be Friday the 5th, five would be Tuesday the 9th... today is Thursday the 11th and you know what they said today??? The 16th.

I don't care how you manipulate the numbers. I con't care how many advanced math degrees you have and how many theories you explain to me... five business days from 12/2 is never ever ever going to be 12/16. I don't care if it's a leap year and the moon has turned to blood and you chant naked in a circle in my back yard while you sacrifice a pure white chicken.

Sally said that lawyers are also not known for their math skills and maybe this one has suffered some kind of accident that makes it impossible for him to use his fingers and toes.

In knitting news... I have been working on Mr. Greenjeans using Dream in Color Classy. I'm down to the cable part. I'm "supposed" to be working on Ernie, or finishing the Clapotis, or either of the two projects on the needles for That Bad Bad Man... but there is something about this pink, sproingy yarn that is ever so distracting. And it's so FAST! I cast on for this sucker on Saturday (which would be 5 days ago)...
I think.

Patient patient

I am trying to be patient.
I really am.
But last Tuesday that stupid lawyer said three to five business days, and as this is Wednesday... so that is six business days.
Six.

I am having a difficult time refraining from calling their office and screaming "Gimme gimme gimme" into the phone.

And breathe.

Also I have a toothache. I have never had one of those before. It's really distracting and terrible. I called to make an appointment with my dentist and apparently I haven't been in for more than two years. Now, I am obsessive about my teeth and I brush them at least twice a day and at this point I've never had a cavity, but this is not the longest time between visits.

Until now it hasn't been a problem, but this ache is more than uncomfortable. It's entirely possible that I am grinding my teeth at night more on one side than the other. And it's entirely possible that the grinding is the source of the discomfort... but something tells me it's more involved than that.

So Tuesday will be a glorious day of medical procedures and testing... as I have a Dr's appointment in the morning as well. I hate medical testing... it's not bad enough that you have to get poked and prodded and have things extracted from you... but then you have to wait a hundred years for answers. I have a feeling that by the end of the afternoon I'm going to be in my pajamas under a quilt whimpering and eating jello. Strawberry jello with banana slices in it. And ibuprofen. And Xanax. Or bourbon.

New Buddy

I got up at 5:30 this morning.
I know.

I had to go to Ft. Riley with J for outreach. J is a nice enough guy, but we have occasionally had some weirdness... so I was a little worried about this trip. 4 hours in the car with someone is a LOT.

We had a blast. He's sarcastic and smart and funny and totally impatient with other drivers. Just my kind of travel buddy.

The snow started about the time we got there and by the time we left everything was slick. We saw 4 accidents before we even got of the base!!

Visibility was pretty low for most of it and Mr. Combat Vet drives like he's in a convoy in the desert. I was not exactly scared or anything, I mean, we were in a government vehicle and I wasn't driving, but I am super glad to be back in town and behind my desk where I belong.

And seriously? The thing that we had to drive all the way up there to do? Took like, 20 minutes.
Your tax dollars at work.

But we had a good time, and so far that's been the highlight of my week. I know it's only Tuesday and it's possible that things will get better... but yesterday was particularly bad, and Sunday wasn't my favorite either.
I did go to the doctor yesterday and she gave me a Z-pack for my sinus infection and also something to halt production in the snot factory so I am feeling TONS better than I did all last week.

I think it's the time of year. I think that this year the holiday blues started late but is making up for lost time. I feel shakey and anxious and just BAD. Every little thing is making me cry and my first reaction to just about everything is to either hide under the covers with the kitties or to throw out the attitude and just say "fuck it."

J and I were talking about that today too... that impulse to just say "fuck it" when things get complicated. I do think it's sort of liberating, but it is as much of a defense mechanism as hiding under the blankets with the kitties. It is just as harmful in the long run. He's one of those guys who can handle a relationship until things get emotionally sticky and then he disappears (what's that like?) until things calm down. I said, "Oh so you're a big coward?" He laughed and said, "No I just don't want all of the drama and bullshit." I said, "If you weren't such a fucking coward there would be less drama and bullshit. And also? Stop dating girls younger than you. All they want is a baby daddy." He said he was shocked that neither of my marriages worked out. I said army or no army I could kick his ass any day.

So now we're really buddies.

He lives out in the middle of nowhere because when the government collapses he wants to be prepared... yup, one of those. But the idea that the government might collapse and society might go feral is sort of like the idea of a judgmental God who will reign fire and brimstone over my head because I believe that abortion should be legal and accessible. Which is to say, I don't really believe in it, but I am a little scared of it. So I asked what a girl had to do to be invited into the compound when the world falls apart. He said, "What can you bring?"
So I gave my standard answer.
Xanax and snacks.

I'm totally in.

Where's my Sign?

I noticed that The Yarn Harlot is also battling the holiday blues and has had somewhat of an emotionally stressful year too. I wish that none of us had to deal with it, but it does make me feel a bit better to know that it's not just me. Also it sort of blows my mind when people who seem so "together" have issues like that. In the same way, when people mention how "well" I am handling things this year I think, "Well, you're not there when I am crying so hard I throw up are you?"

I will admit that I no longer wish I could wear a sign that reads, "I'm not really like this, my husband died," as a disclaimer, but most of the time I feel like I am held together by the finest of threads.

It's been a rough couple of days.

Last night was bad... no real sleeping, partially due to this stupid cold. Stuffy, runny, sneezy nose does not let you rest and even NyQuil wasn't cutting it.

And my head is rolling something around. I'm not entirely sure what it is.
Isn't that funny? I'm fixated enough on something that I can't sleep, but my head hasn't let me in on the problem. I have an idea... based on the direction my dreams are heading and my reaction to a few seemingly harmless things, but until it processes through I don't really know what's wrong.

It's enough to make a girl crazy... oh, wait...

It doesn't take a genius to assume that it has something to do with my abandonment/trust/self-esteem issues. Everything, apparently, has to do with that. And my first line of defense lately is, "Fuck it." So if I seem agitated (read: awake) tread lightly and forgive me if I don't respond the way you thought I would.

OK. So I do still want a sign. I just want it to be something like, "Caution: Falling Rocks" or "Open Trench." "Slippery When Wet" is also a crowd pleaser... "Dangerous Curves Ahead," or maybe simply "Don't Feed the Bears."

Or, like one of my favorite bookstore employees, just "FUCK."

Better

Last night was lovely and relaxing - Bean and That Bad, Bad Man and I ate steaks and watched a movie called Fido... it cracked me up.

I went to bed late because after he left Bean and I had a long, long, long, long talk about Jeff/Bartleby and school and boys and bad, bad men and our future. She was upset because she is afraid that things will end badly and we'll all be hurt again. It's an understandable fear. I told her that trust was scary and that there is no way to know how things will turn out. I said that I hoped that she is learning that you can have your life turned upside down and your heart broken and still land on your feet. That what gets you through difficulty is a good support system. That even though it is scary, hope is vital.

And then I stole a line directly from my most favorite girl movie of all, Steel Magnolias. "I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

We talked about whether we would go back in time and take Jeff out of our lives if we could. She decided that it was worth it to keep him despite the ending because the good times were so good. I said that I thought applied to other people and events as well.

There is no way to tell if That Bad, Bad Man is going to be around tomorrow or next month or ten years from now. Even if we both sustained head trauma and forgot how much we don't want to get married - marriage is no more of a guarantee than anything else. I think that you have to just take the time you have and make it the best that you can. I think that love and happiness are always worth the risk.

Life happens, things change. He might leave. Or I might. And that would hurt and there would be some unpleasantness... but life would still go on.

I told her that you have to assign your happiness to yourself.

I recognize her fears because they are also mine. Telling her things that are true and also comforting reminded me to be comforted too.

Anxiety and Repulsion

Soooooooo the meeting with the lawyer went well-ish. I signed the eleventy-billionth document and now we're just waiting for the title company to do their thing. It will take another week or so.

All pretty basic and run-of-the-mill stuff.

But being in that office for even a few minutes triggers real anxiety for me. I was there for less than 30 minutes but I left sweating and shaking. I thought I was going to throw up in the elevator, and I ended up having a large panic attack in my car.
And (for the first time in like, ten years) I had no Xanax on me. Not a one. Not even Advil with Xanax residue from being kept in the same bottle.
I couldn't drive, I couldn't breathe. I just kept thinking, "This is not what I wanted."

At this point I have structured my life so that I need this money. Working part time has allowed me to be a student and a mother and still have benefits without being away from the house more than 80 hours a week. It's a short-term solution that means I can finish this education that began when I was married and happy. Safe, I thought, in my ability to plan ahead. To make decisions about my future. Our future.

I still don't want it.

I'll take it. I have to. I have to take care of these financial issues that have been hanging for months. I have to be able to have a savings that will take care of emergencies. I have to be able to be stable if something (else) catastrophic should happen.

But I don't want to.

Do I want him back? No. Not even if I could have the first version of him back. I wish I had never married him, never allowed him to get that close.
I am happy with my life now. I am happy with the things I have accomplished and the people who love me and I wouldn't trade any of it... but I didn't want him to die like he did and I certainly didn't want to be compensated for it.

Legally that's not what it is.
Legally it's inheretace.
But it still feels like compensation. Pay off. Blood money.

Maybe it will feel better when it smells like cash. It's hard to be repulsed by cash.

Is it Spring Yet?!?

Oh, um, hi December! I wasn't expecting you so soon! Wow. I should really have paid more attention to the calendar.

I have talked to people who are actually done with their Christmas shopping. Could you just vomit holly? I have finished two knitting projects - and seeing as how I wasn't going to knit for anyone this year that's pretty amazing - but that's also the extent of my holiday preparation.

I'm also not winning any mental health awards for December, my insomnia is back and I can't go more than an hour without crying about something. (On a related note, my bedroom is rearranged and almost clean. Seriously. Just don't open the closet). I was expecting the usual holiday depression. It happens every year sometime after Halloween and runs through the middle of January... but this year it didn't really hit until Thanksgiving. I woke up Thursday morning and felt like I had been hit with the anxiety stick. I didn't want to leave the house.
But of course I had to. I had to make garlic dip and lots (and lots) of mashed potatoes.

So I did. Because I am a grown up.
Sort of.

I called Sally for a single-girl pep talk and then got dressed (big-girl panties, check!) and went to my parents' house.
My mom and I started the afternoon with a Xanax and I took a nap after we ate... then my potatoes and I went to Andie's.

It was a good time, don't get me wrong, but I was exhausted and sad and ready to sink into my bed by the end of the day. And I wanted to stay there for the rest of the weekend.
But I went to work on Friday and then Andie and Sally and I went to lunch and then on to Twist.

And it occurred to me that I may just be deluding myself into thinking I'm OK, when really? I rarely leave the house for anywhere but class and work without Andie and/or Sally. And Saturday when Sally left and I stayed on to knit some more, my anxiety levels were higher than they should be at Twist.
When I did finally leave I was so keyed up that I cried all the way home. I don't know why.

Last night I was crying because I have a holiday party to go to next week and I don't know what to wear to it. Or if I should take a date. Or if my date will be willing to go.

And today? Today I have an appointment with the lawyer again. More stuff to sign, still no check.
I feel very fragile and tired and jerked around.

I need to learn to trust my own judgment and instincts... but I feel so fuzzy and spun out most of the time that I am afraid that I am missing important decisive information.

So if I see you and you ask me how I'm doing and I start crying it's nothing personal. It's just December.