Bean and I went to the store today and bought running shoes and workout clothes... of course, we were too hungry and tired to go to the gym after, but baby steps, y'all. We're going tomorrow before swimming.

This depression is not going to fix itself, and I can't afford therapy, so I'm hoping that taking care of my physical health will be a good step. I'm also back on the Weight Watchers wagon, day 2 and going strong!! Though I'm finding that it's easy to stay on points if I just sleep every time I feel hungry.
Seriously, my new favorite snack is low fat cottage cheese with sunflower seeds sprinkled on top. Cereal and soy milk is also good (and filling).

I find, though, that the minute I start thinking about any kind of diet my brain screams out for fried foods and cheesecake and peanut butter. It's sort of like quitting smoking, I guess. (Which I have done already this summer. Something about being out of school and losing a dead relationship made smoking less necessary!)

So one day at a time, one craving at a time.

What Comfort Zone??

I have had quite the random week...

Usually I live in this little world of safe. I go to Twist, and Watermark, and home. I go to the grocery store and my mom's house. I spend a lot of my time in quiet places. And I rarely break that pattern.
I like to think of myself as a "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of gal, but really? I am only spontaneous in very controlled situations. And it is difficult (anxiety wise) for me to be away from my house for more than fifteen hours without the security of (at the very least) clean underpants and a toothbrush.

Tuesday a friend of mine called and said she had tickets to see The Fray in Kansas City - with backstage passes for Wednesday. I have no job and Bean was with her dad, so in a total departure from my normal I said, "Sure!"
We were supposed to leave around 1:00 on Wednesday, watch the show and drive right back.
We got to KC on time, and talked to the gate security while we waited to meet up with Sassy and Sammy from the radio station. My friend and her husband could charm the pants off of a nun, and before we even got in to the theater the guard offered to "get us in" to the Tori Amos concert the next night.
It took us about 30 minutes to convince Julie to call in sick to work the next day and in between buying us drinks Max secured a free place to stay.

I was a little freaked out... I mean, I had no clean clothes, no medicine, no toothbrush... and no idea where we were staying or who we were staying with. Which is all enough to send me over the edge, you know, anxiety-wise. No control, no planning, no forward thinking.

We met The Fray - they were fine... they seemed a little underwhelmed at meeting us and we were a little underwhelmed with them...
And the bass player? The guy on the end? Looks a lot like Bean's dad in high school!! Weird!!


They did put on a great show, though. Their stage presence is fabulous and they are good live. Of course, all the gin I drank may have helped a little.

After the concert we hauled ass to Wal Mart for clean underpants and toothbrushes and then we went to their friend's house and collapsed.

The next day we lazed around for a little bit and then went to Ruby Tuesday's (best salad bar EVER... why the hell don't we have one here???) and then made our way back to The Starlight for Tori.

Our person at the gate was there, but there were also a lot of people around her so we hung back. While we waited we were approached by a girl who had two tickets reeeeeeeeeeally close to the stage and she was selling them at face value. Sure, we had a pretty good chance of getting in for free... sneaking in and sitting in the back... but we decided that it was better to pay for a guaranteed seat than to hope for a freebie.
This is Tori as she came onstage... that's how freaking close we were.

It was worth every cent.

So I slept pretty much all day Friday and most of the day Saturday... now it's back to my real life.
The life where I don't do crazy things and I don't drink my weight in gin.

Well... It was just a matter of time...

I'm frankly surprised it took this long...
But here it is, the Hermione hat from the new Harry Potter movie. (It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine).

What the hell did nerdy movie-loving knitters do before the internets??




Well... anyway...

I am up way way way too late... I have to be up for Grandma in a few hours and then Julie and Max and I are going to Kansas City tomorrow night to see The Fray. (Holy spur of the moment, Batman!!)
They had extra tickets and I have NOTHING going on... so off to KC I go!

I was very busy on Tuesday... I accomplished a lot of small things, like mailing back my Netflix (its been a month) and finding appropriate paper to print my study notecards and sending in my BSRB application and submitting some resumes in person.

I also had a sort of sad conversation with a member of the Girl Posse. It's been a rough couple of years for the four of us... and the hits just keep on coming. Seriously? If you don't have a posse? GET ONE. Now.

I still don't think that it is impossible to be happy and married, but then I also believe in the Loch Ness Monster. And Bigfoot. And Chupacabra (creepy little fucker).

And it's not just our little circle, marriages seem to be collapsing all over the place. Some are a surprise and some... well... not so much.

I know that friendships break up all the time too, but why is it that a long term friendship seems to be so much more likely to endure than a long term relationship?
Of course, what the hell would I know about long-term relationships??

Not Like I've Been Busy...

Still no job.
Still haven't cleaned my house.

The depression I thought would hit in mid-July, "right about the time I was getting settled into my new job" is here... just without the job. The rejection just fuels it, and my motivation is at an all-time low. I am trying to combat it with to-do lists and lots of scheduling myself out of the house. Because yesterday? I slept pretty much all day. All day.

And also? For fun? I really miss my husband. Not the asshole who was crazy and emotionally abusive, but the guy he was before that. The sweet guy who loved me. I miss that.

So if I haven't been a regular blogger lately it's just because WHINING IS BORING. Seriously.

I have read some good books...
Brooklyn by Colm Toibin
Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout
Mansfield Park by Jane Austen

I have been knitting... socks and a baby cocoon and a big, pink mistake-rib scarf.

I have seen movies...
Harry Potter (twice!!)
Cherie
My Sister's Keeper

No worries, dear readers. I'll be fine. Between the reading and the knitting and the Girl Posse I will snap out of this sooner or later.

I Totally Cheated...

On Twist...
I should feel guilty, but LOOK at my bag of loot!!!


I only bought stuff that Twist doesn't have... because if Twist carries it I must buy it there!!

I found

Lorna's Laces (in Mineshaft)


Crystal Palace Maizy (in Menswear)



Louet Gems (in Lilac and Sage)



Hempathy - for something lace... don't know what yet...

And (drum roll, please)



Koigu!!

I KNOW, right?!?
It was a good haul.

So there is still no job, and there is still no clean house, and there has not been any exercising... but there will be lots and lots of knitting.

Job Update the Third

There officially isn't one.

It was between me and one other applicant... and once again, the other guy won. In the second interview they actually said that they had applied for a grant that would mean that we both would be hired... but the grant apparently isn't happening either.

She was very nice and said nice things about how they were impressed with me, yada yada yada, but I just didn't have enough experience. Whatever. This position? Was an entry level position.
Dammit.
Rejection sucks. And job rejection is so much worse than boy rejection. After all, I have batteries and I can mow my own lawn. (Just because I don't doesn't mean I can't).
Two blocks from Twist I started to cry. Deb pulled me into the back room and gave me a little pep talk and then I spent a WHOLE bunch of money and then I knitted for a few hours. I even made jokes about how if that was my way to handle rejection that Shelly was goign to start calling my ex-boyfriends to have them call me to tell me how fabulous their lives are without me. You know, so I would spend more money.
Joking about it is a defense mechanism, but it helps.

Today is for feeling bad and tomorrow is for more job action.

I also went to Sam's Club and spent a whole bunch more money... BUT (with two exceptions) I bought stuff we use all the time at a good price. So that was good. (And one of my exceptions? The Shark steam mop. I have wanted one of those babies ever since I saw the commercial!!)

In other news...
I am going to a baby shower on Sunday, and last Monday I suddenly decided that I needed to knit a gift. You all know how great I am at deadline knitting. BUT I bought the yarn anyway and feel confident that I can finish on time.


I thought I could get by with one ball of each color, but I want to get through at least one more repeat, so I bought more today...

I also love this pattern (it's just entrelac) but there was another blanket shown in the pattern that used variegated yarn and didn't change colors. I liked the effect so much that I bought some Cascade 220 in dark blues, greys and purples to make a full-sized blanket for myself. I have been thinking about painting my bedroom a dark purple (in the same way that I have been thinking about cleaning and organizing my house) but this blanket will be perfect for that change.

And then there is this headache. I'm on day three - yesterday was the worst. I got sick and had to cut swimming short... and then I couldn't think of anything that sounded good to eat, so I was headache sick and hungry sick and nothing sounded good. Today was certainly better, but there is still pain there, and it's pissing me off. It slows down my knitting, cramps my social life and makes everything just a little more difficult. Like I need that.

BUT, The Fabulous Michelle came over tonight... I got takeout from N&J and we watched a John Cusack movie. And that was a very lovely way to end the day.