Done. Fini. Buh-bye.

I am officially out of the old yucky house. It is cleaner than it was the entire time we lived there and all I have to do is hand over the keys.
Finally.
I have had a cocktail and a bath.
There was a winter weather advisory this morning and the schools were closed... I thought, "Bah, we never get as much snow as they say we're going to." Uh-huh. As I was driving with my first load, which included the chiminea, the snow was so heavy and the wind so strong that I could barely see the car in front of me. The windchill was -1. My car was parked in front of the station for less than an hour and I had a good inch of snow on my windows.
I cleaned and I cleaned and I cleaned. The junk guys came at about 3. When I showed them the stuff that needed to go they were visibly shaken. Seriously. One of them said, "Wow, I thought this was only going to take a few minutes." I said, "Nope, we're filling the truck." These guys were great - polite and fast and they repair and donate what they can and recycle what they can so that they are throwing away as little as possible. It was worth every penny I gave them. (I gave them a LOT of pennies). They almost wouldn't let me tip them!
I'm hoping that things stay closed tomorrow so that I can stay in bed all morning and not feel so guilty... Bean is with her dad and if there's no school tomorrow I'm supposed to pick her up at one. That gives me hours and hours to just be in bed with my blankets and my DVR. I have TV shows and movies and comedy specials all waiting for me to just veg out.
Yes, we still need to unpack and put things away, but I need some time to not do anything. Seriously.
Here's hoping for more snow!

Cold cold

It's really cold today. Cold like the high temperature for today was at 4:00 this morning and the temperatures will drop all day and it will be windy and grey and horrid. And there might be snow. Or freezing rain.
Really cold.
And this morning, Bean tried to wear Capri jeans that she wore yesterday. Oh, and also the day before. I said, "It's going to be really cold today, you need to find some real jeans."
She said, "I can't find any."
"Look in the laundry room."
"I did. There aren't any jeans in there at all." Uh-huh. I walked her into the laundry room, picked up two pairs of appropriate jeans and tossed them to her.
"It helps to actually ENTER the laundry room if you're looking for something, you know, IN the laundry room."
For the love of blind sheep.
is it Friday yet??
I am really looking forward to Friday for several reasons... it is the book club day and that's always fun - and I finished the book a whole week early!!
Friday is also the first day that we will not be connected to the old house. For better or worse we are done with that pit on Thursday. The junk guys are coming between 2 and 4 and then I'm cleaning and then I'm not ever going back. I am ready to focus on the new house. Ready to find permanent homes for all of the stuff we own and ready to get rid of the things we really don't need. Like the four potato peelers we have. Seriously, four. I also found three pizza cutters. The most surprising thing to me was that I only actually own one corkscrew. You'd think I'd have five or six of those puppies laying around in various rooms of the house. Lord knows I drink wine more often than I peel potatoes.
Especially now that Country Crock is doing all the work and all. (Have you tried them? They're like honest-to-spud potatoes! The garlic ones rock).
I tried to make dinner last night. I did!! But after I pulled out all of the ingredients I couldn't find the pan I needed. Anywhere. I checked the cabinets and the boxes in the kitchen, then I checked the boxes in the dining room and the living room. I sent Bean to look in the boxes in the bedrooms and then I gave up, put everything else away and called for pizza. Screw it. (In a sick twist of irony, the husband couldn't find a pizza cutter in the drawer and said he thought we needed to buy one. I found the one I kept and managed to refrain from smacking him.
I need to go to the store... I have a feeling that wine is something I'm going to want on hand for the remainder of the holiday season.
Cheers!
So the sleet has started... it looks like rain but is much louder. I wish I were home in pj's, drinking coffee and knitting. I wish I did not have to go to class today. I wish the sleet would turn to snow - prettier and less likely to cause me to fall on my ass. My office has a big window that is right behind my chair. It is never warm enough here. I am frantically trying to come up with a reason not to go to class... but we have presentations today and then there is only one more week left.
Everybody stay warm and drive safe!!

Knit or Go Home!

Did anyone else see Gilmore Girls tonight?? They had a Knit-a-Thon to raise money for a new bridge. Awesome!! Lorelai wore a black shirt with a skull on it that said, "Knit or Go Home." I thought it was grand.

I love Gilmore Girls.

I want to live in Stars Hollow.

Books books books

So I think that we have finally moved all of the books from the old house to the new house... except for my cookbooks, which the husband is moving today... I have three bookshelves in the living room, one in the den, one in the bedroom and two little ones in the dining room. All full. So what did I do today??
I ordered three knitting books from overstock.com on a tip from a friendly fellow knitter. Damn it. I had ordered three books and entered my credit card info before I even realized what I was doing!! Also, while I was Christmas shopping on Amazon I might have added this book to my cart. Maybe.
Heh heh heh.
I had Andie and Kerri over for a "Bachelor" party last night. We ate "Chicken Liz" (recipe to follow) and drank wine and watched the season finale of The Bachelor. Can I just say? What a fucking toad that prince turned out to be. If I were Sadie I would have socked him in his ugly, bad-kissing mouth. "I'd rather be with her," what the hell kind of shitty comment is that? He sucks. (Granted, if Sadie had said the word "virgin" one more time I was going to lose it, but seriously? What a jerk). Sadie's mom was wearing some lovely knits, btw. I am covetous of that sweater.

So, "Chicken Liz"
1 package frozen chicken (one of the big ones)
1 large can (or 2 small cans) enchilada sauce
1 can black beans, drained
1 can corn, drained

Throw this all in the crock pot on low for... you know... however long you're gone. I do it in the morning and we have it for dinner.
Shred the chicken (two forks works well) and serve on tortillas with shredded cheese and sour cream.
Or serve over lettuce with light ranch dressing.
Or eat the chicken all alone with a little Mexican rice.

It also freezes well.

I also have my TV back. The DVR is in my room (heh heh heh). I woke up earlier than usual this morning and set it to record three movies that I haven't seen yet. I may never leave my bedroom again. Luckily, there are lots of things that need to be unpacked in my room so I have an excuse to stay in there for awhile!!

Christmas Shopping

Is it too early for a Christmas post? Probably. I'm generally of the bah-humbug sort. I have friends who went shopping on Black Friday and while I'm sure they got great deals, seriously? Y'all are nuts! Crazytown. There is not a deal in the world good enough to get me close to a mall - or even a Target the day after Thanksgiving.
At first I thought I didn't like Christmas because my grandmother really "made" Christmas for my family and after she died it was impossible to re-create. I thought maybe it could be how commercial the holiday has become. Then I realized that while that is certainly part of it, the main reason I don't get along with Christmas is because I spend most of my time in a flat-out run trying to get things done and finish running errands and baking. And then there's the fact that I generally have to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so I'm scurrying around trying to get from one place to the other without being late anywhere.
And I hate the mall.
And I'm usually broke.
But this year I have a house to decorate and even though I usually hate that sort of thing I'm sort of enjoying it. I have also managed to get half of my list finished in the last 24 hours, thanks in large part to Amazon.com. Gotta love the internets.
Christmas Eve is on a Sunday this year, which means I will be off work by noon and can get ready for my family to (invade) come over at a more relaxed pace.
Theoretically.
Unless I'm still trying to clean and bake and have run out of everything I need all at once and need to go to the store on the way home and it takes three hours to get through the line because everyone ELSE also ran out of everything all at once. Then I won't be relaxed at all.

Five more days to be done with the old house. The husband brought a load over yesterday. We also got the stove from my parents and a couch from my grandmother yesterday so that's all of the "big" items that need to be in our house. I meant to get over to the old house but my mom and I went to the mall (bleh) to buy curtains. And there is a Target next to the evil mall, so to cleanse ourselves from mall air we decided to go. I found a TV stand for the den and a shaggy rug for the living room... though now Kerri will think I'm copying her. Which I am. But not in a 'Single White Female' kind of way.
But today I have to go back to the old house. The depressing, dingy, poorly constructed yucky house. I knew I hated that house, I just didn't know HOW MUCH I hated it until I spent serious time in the new, bright, clean, pretty house. Little things... like, the screen door is actually fully attached to the house. And there is room around the beds and tables to walk. The kitchen floor is not painted primer gray. And the windows open. And don't leak when it rains.

Question: Where should the yarn live in the new house?
Answer: Anywhere it wants.

Actually, I have a trunk in my living room that will do nicely. It has blankets in it now, but very soon it will be full of yarn. (Yay!)

Our cat was scared of the house.
It was the funniest (and most pathetic) thing I have ever seen. She was afraid of the ceiling fan in the living room. She was curious about the house but when she would get to the living room she would stop and look up at it and then slink down to the ground and go as fast as she could back to the bedroom and hide under the bed.
She's better now. Apparently she has decided that it is not going to kill us all.
I am relieved, because I have seen enough scary movies to know that cats can see when your house is haunted... I really did not want to either move out or risk being possessed. I love this house.

So it's a really good thing that Bean is spending this week with her dad. She should be very thankful. I spent three hours. THREE HOURS in her room in the old house. For about a month now we have been telling her that she needed to clean her room and start packing her own stuff. She didn't. Of course. She had all of these very carefully arranged little displays of things... like one of those little plastic things that comes with your pizza with two tic tacs on it and little bears around it... ALL OVER THE PLACE. Jeez. And then there was a wooden box that looks sort of like a treasure chest that was full of thousands (seriously, THOUSANDS) of tiny glass beads. I didn't know it was full of beads until the lid opened and they scattered all over the floor.
Her Nindento DS? Upside down on the floor under a pile of trash.
My mother is still laughing.

In other news, we still have a huge mess at the old house and we still have many, many boxes at the new house. We're in a state of flux. Flux sucks.
Oh, and the husband has sprained his foot and is acting like a big wounded bear, slobbering and growling and swiping at everything with his big bear claws. I have hurt my neck again as well, so I have very little patience for his wounded bear routine.
(But I still love my house). (Oh, and my husband, too. Mostly).
Being at the old house is so depressing. The new house is so nice and new and clean and bright and the old house is dark and ugly and dirty. Bleh.

We have to get moving, though. We have until Thursday to get everything out and then I have until Christmas Eve to get my house put away and decorated. That's right, friends! I have totally lost my mind! I'm hosting the family Christmas Eve lunch. We usually have it at my grandmother's house, but she just moved into an assisted living facility and has a lot less room. Also, her cat bothers the allergies of members of our family who are not even allergic to cats. Anyway, we all go over there and have sandwiches and soup and we open presents and have about an hour and a half of uncomfortable conversation and then everyone goes to (their own) church. This year it's at my house. I can do this.

We get our cable back on Monday. It's been a QUIET week at the house with no TV... I sort of liked it, but I am looking forward to having my background noise back. And I'm getting a DVR. Woo Hoo! The sales guy said it would "totally change" the way I watched TV. Awesome. I just hope I don't end up doing something really goofy like recording (and then actually WATCHING) all the reruns of The Facts of Life or something.

Oh, and we're talking about getting Bean a kitten for Christmas. Bad idea, I know. But I think its time. The last hermit crab bit the dust this week. She had it for more than a year... I think she might be ready for a pet that doesn't need to be kept in a glass container.
The husband thinks that Serena will eat a kitten. I think that Serena will be freaked out but will handle it just fine.

First night

We slept at the new house last night. It was really cool... except that I forgot to transfer our cable service ahead of time so we have not TV until Monday... 0h, and our cat is totally traumatized by the whole experience.

I think I'll go to PetCo today and get some kitty treats to soothe her.

The husband did rally on Sunday and we got organized enough for the movers to come and get the big stuff. Now at the old house there is just some miscellaneous crap and dust bunnies bigger than my cat, made (ironically enough) from cat hair. Apparently there were a few places in the house that she loved to just go to sit and shed. Our furniture fits really well in the house and everything looks really good. I almost would rather just abandon the crap left at the old house and start over!! I don't want the old stuff, I want new, shiny, pretty stuff.

My parents and my brother came over last night to bring Bean's new furniture - we ordered pizza and sat around patting each other on the back. We all worked really hard and it really paid off.

When they left I went to pick up the cat and the husband cleaned up the dinner mess while I was gone. I know!! He also took the trash out. Without me asking. Seriously!

I know I should go to the old house and pack some stuff tonight, but I think I'll invite some people over and sit in my living room!!

Progress please!!

So the house is almost ready... we're putting on this "magic shine" stuff on the floors today. Last night mom and I painted (and painted and painted) to try to get the den finished. Then I mopped the floors and the husband came over and we scrubbed paint spots and dried joint compound off them and I mopped again.

The carpet guys are coming tomorrow morning at 7 and the movers will be at our house at 8.

I should be excited. I should be hopping around and feeling all relieved that it's almost over, tight? Um, sure, except that while I've been getting the new house ready the husband was supposed to have been working at the old house. You know, packing. He HAS actually packed a few boxes of books. Not all the books. But a few. And Friday when I asked him to pack the dishes and bring them to the new house and unpack them... well, I guess he thought I was kidding. Our house is a mess. I've gone on and on (and on) about that before, but we have movers... people who we have to pay by the hour to move the heavy stuff... coming in just over 24 hours. And, of course, he's working all day today. So it's me, work then new house then old house to pack all of the stuff he was supposed to have already packed.

The best part? His "reason" for not packing much yesterday was that there were "four really important games on," then he got all hurt when that made me look more angry and said that he knew that I didn't understand how important it was to him. I said, "Well if you were watching four games yesterday that living room could have been completely packed."

And then I went to bed.

There's only so much a girl can take. I have a line from the Margaret Cho concert in my head, "Nobody hate daddy more than mommy." I swear, if we can make it through this move we can make it through anything. I am used to being the main person in charge of getting things done in our house (which would be why so little actually gets done), but I would think that right now - especially when I am so stretched out and have so very little left to give - that he would step up and do more. The crazy thing is that he looks at his boxes of books and feels like he has really accomplished something.

It will all be over in a few days. Once the movers have taken care of the big things we have over a week to box up whatever is left. We're also going to call and have one of the thrift shops come and pick up a bunch of crap. (That would be the garage sale that my mother in law thinks I should have. Screw that. It's worth every cent I might make at a garage sale NOT to have a garage sale. And it's cold).

Anyway... I went to the doctor a few days ago and (surprise, surprise) I'm depressed! My doctor was out sick that day so I saw another doctor in the office. He had me fill out a "depression inventory" ("I often lack the energy to finish tasks," uh huh, "I feel unattractive," yup). So I am now medicated. Don't tell Tom Cruise. It's too soon to tell if it's making a difference, but it is making me sick to my stomach so that's fun! I'm taking it at night so that I can sleep through the worst part of the nausea... but I went to bed late last night so, ugh.

But I have a house that is clean and pretty and nice. I almost don't want to move in and spoil it! I stand in the empty rooms and it's all painted and fresh and I imagine my stuff in there and that's ok... but then I imagine socks on the floor and shoes, and I imagine dirty dishes on the counters and toothpaste gunk in the sink and I want to change the locks and not let anyone else in. I am not a person who likes to clean, and I am certainly not the poster child for organization but I have a lot of time and sweat invested in how pretty the house is and I think I'm getting a little obsessive about it.

I'm going to become my mother.

Lord help me (and my poor family).

No Soup for You!

We had a chance of snow this morning - and a wind advisory. It's hella windy, but no snow. It is grey and cold and yucky, though. Makes me want soup and snuggling and knitting.

I called my friend K to let her know that I'll be going to the knitting meeting tonight and she has made split pea soup and has some frozen for me to take to work tomorrow. K rocks. No Soup For You!
Actually, the knitting meeting is at a restaurant that is supposed to have good soup, so if you come to the meeting tonight and feel so inclined I guess there will be soup for all. But not K's yummy soup. Ha ha. That's mine.

Anyway, test today - didn't really study for it, don't really care.
And I'm at work today getting NOTHING done. Don't care.
And my husband is off again today. (shrug).

I'm on week eleventy thousand of this stupid cold so I finally broke down and called for a Dr's appointment. Apparently the whole entire town has a cold, too because I can't get in until tomorrow. I think I'm going to talk to her about some kind of chemical assistance for my winter blah's. I don't want chemical assistance necessarily, but if there is something that would help me deal with all of this stress and also not want to curl up in a little ball under the bed if my kid has a pony tail after school that might be good. Also, my aversion to Wal Mart is back... that place freaks me out and most of the time it's not a big deal, but around the holidays I feel light-headed just driving by one.

So maybe it's time to purchase some anti-crazy and be done with it. And also, I should start exercising more.
Oh, and not eat Twinkies for lunch. Or Cupcakes. Or Fruit Pies.

Netflix is sending me The Office (the British version) today. Not that I have any time to watch them this weekend. (Not that I won't watch them anyway when I'm supposed to be packing or painting). My friend Kristin said the British version is funnier and that the British Pam is less annoying. I like the American Pam, so it will be interesting to see if I like the British Pam better.

Ok, maybe 'interesting' is stretching it.

I am a financial genius.

Really. They should give me an honorary MBA from Harvard or something.

About a month ago I heard a story (on NPR, obviously) about how easy it is to set up a 529 account for educational expenses. I Googled "529 account," clicked on the first company that popped up and thought, "what the heck!"
Then I forgot all about it.
So a few weeks ago I noticed a mysterious $50 debit on our checking account. It took me a few minutes and then I remembered and thought, "Wow, how smart I am to have set this up. How happy Bean will be when she has this nice chunk of money to use for school." I almost sprained my wrist trying to pat myself on the back.

Last night I woke in the middle of the night and could not for the life of me remember which company I signed up with. I Googled the same search words I used the first time and nothing looked familiar.

I ended up calling.

"Hi, I'm an idiot and I make investment decisions randomly. I signed up for a 529 account and I don't remember with whom. Could you possibly check and see if I'm a customer of yours?"

I found it. And the woman I talked to was very nice and helpful. She didn't call me an idiot. Not even once. She said, "Well random decisions sometimes really work out. Our company is a good decision no matter how you came to it." She gets points for being nice AND for working in that company cheer.

Just can't deal

I got up this morning with the start of a headache and a little (lot) of lingering blues. I have a feeling that this sadness is just the start of the winter blues. Super. I got to Hospice in time for the meeting, but rather than a regular meeting we had a "grief counseling" session. The grief counselor shared a story about his daughter who got cancer and died just after her first birthday. Then he wanted us to share our grief with the group.
Seriously.
Hospice is a big family, and I've been there long enough to get to know people and feel comfortable in the group... but I do not feel comfortable crying uncontrollably alone right now, let alone in a group of people I work with.
Seriously.
I sat there for the almost two hours it lasted and then I booked out of there. I was supposed to visit a couple of patients and do some paperwork. I just had to leave.
I got to the station and got the computer situation under control and was actually feeling more in control...
Then Bean called. Apparently she has an ear infection and tonsillitis. She said she feels ok, just sort of tired. The idiot step-mother said they were going to go home and have soup and snuggle down on the couch. Perfect, right? Except that it makes me feel crappy. When she's sick - especially when she's sick - she should be with me. Of course, it makes much more sense for her to be home with the parent who doesn't work, especially when she's already there... but it's just more of the idiot step mother doing the things I should be doing. I know it's better all around that she has a step-mother who is good with her and can care for her like that.
So I'm going to pick her up tomorrow. If she's feeling better.
More work... ate lunch... head kept hurting.
The engineer caught me crying in the production room and for the rest of the day kept giving me that "are you ok" look.
Head kept hurting.
Got home late and the husband's stupid friend was at the house. Perfect. (Pound, pound, pound).
The husband followed me into the bedroom and kept asking me if I'm ok. No. I'm not ok. I have a whopper of a headache that has been resistant to the medication I've been taking. I had a day full of little annoying things that I have been completely overreacting to and I have a big case of the holiday blues. I have a (messy) house full of crap that has to be cleaned, boxed and moved in the next few days and absolutely no drive to do any of it. I have a sick kid who is being taken care of (probably better than I could right now) by a woman I don't want anywhere near her. I have no money and a list of crap to buy for the house - including a refrigerator.

I would run away but I don't have the energy to pack a bag.

I need to figure out what to do for dinner and then I'm going to my friend Kerri's house for some Bachelor and What About Brian and knitting. That I'm actually looking forward to.

I need an attitude adjustment, an exercise regime I can stick to, more sleep and more hours in the day.

It's Cold Again

It's under 30 degrees.
It's so cold this morning that I just want to crawl back in bed. I'm drinking coffee now, hoping that by the time I get off work it will be warmer and I will be more inclined to want to to something besides sleep. So far it's not working.
I did set up the automation to take care of the 6 o'clock hour so I got to sleep in a little. Then I drove to my sister's house and dropped a birthday present on her porch on my way to work. It's not much, just some nail stuff and some lotion and shower gel, but I haven't talked to her at all since our little "discussion" (emphasis on the 'dis,' right?) and I can only assume that she's still mad at me. When we talked I left the ball in her court. I expect that she will call me today or tomorrow to thank me - because that's what you do, right? - and if she doesn't then I'll know for sure.
But here's the thing: I don't know that I want to talk to her, anyway. I might just let it go to voicemail. I'm not mad at her and I know that she has the right to make bad choices and blah blah blah. It bothers me that she's mad at me, but only really because it makes everything so uncomfortable. It's not like we would hang out a lot if she were speaking to me - we really don't even have that much in common. She doesn't even like to read. She says if a book is good they'll make it into a movie anyway. Seriously. ok, I AM a little mad at her. She won't let the kids spend time with my parents and that is really hurting my dad and that really pisses me off. But otherwise, not pissed. Frustrated? Sure. Not pissed.
Right, so anyway.
So thanks to Lia for letting me know that I can, indeed cook with soy milk. I really do like it. There is a little bit of a strange aftertaste, but I wonder if it's like switching from regular soda to diet soda in that you just get used to it. I'm looking forward to trying the chocolate flavor - we just bought plain.
Quik Trip was out of V-8 juice this morning. I know! That's like Wal Mart being out of something. They also didn't have any of the Light juice (juice-flavored water with splenda). So I tried FUZE Slenderize. I don' t know that I believe that it will help anyone lose weight, but cranberry-raspberry is my favorite flavor in the world and it does contain vitamin C and chromium. It asserts that it contains ingredients that will control appetite and boost energy... we'll see. As I said before, I'm also drinking coffee this morning. It's entirely possible that I will overdose on stimulants and just crash.
I'm still working on my felting project - it's slow going. Also, I am missing a sweater pattern and now that I have the yarn I wanted to use it's pissing me off, but I am afraid that until we finish the move there are just things I can't have. Damn it. (Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't start ANY MORE PROJECTS until I either finish one or finish moving).
I guess when fate hides your patterns it doesn't do any good to jump up and down and scream "But I want it now," like a two-year-old. Entertaining, sure, but not effective.

Don't let it die!!

Thanks for the support y'all! I'm feeling better... the husband and I had a nice talk, too. I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed and little things are getting to me. Andie never did tell me what her problem was, but she has stopped giving me the ice treatment. She is not one for confrontation... and while I used to be more inclined to just go and ask someone what their problem is, I am finding that I don't have the emotional energy to deal with anything I don't absolutely have to. I figure that if it's not important enough for her to talk to me about it must not be all that important.

On to better things... I bought soy milk for the first time yesterday. Soy is so good for you - women especially - and it sounds like it would be really disgusting but it was actually pretty good. Thicker than I had anticipated, but that may have more to do with the fact that we drink skim milk. You know, milk-flavored water. I realized that the largest portion of our milk consumption was in conjunction with cereal, so it seemed pretty safe. We're still working our way through a box of Apple Jacks with Marshmallow Eyes, so it seems a little like those V-8 commercials there the woman is drinking her V-8 with a huge cheeseburger, but baby steps, right? Can you cook with soy milk? Like, could I make mashed potatoes with it? One time when my brother was baby we were out of regular milk so my mom made boxed au gratin potatoes with Enfamil. I still hesitate before I eat us gratin potatoes and my brother is almost 20. Anyway, it makes me a little hesitant to cook with it. But you must be able to, right? I mean, what do people do who drink this stuff full time?

Today I slept in... until after 9!! Then I got up and made chocolate chip pancakes and then came back to bed and watched judge shows until eleven. Then I watched my soap opera, got dressed and went to the new house and sanded the walls in the living room. We will be ready to put actual paint on it this weekend. Once the dining room is done we can clean the floors and I can start moving stuff in. Yay!!

Tonight was the Margaret Cho concert. Nights like this I really love my job. Really. Free tickets to concerts and shows are the BEST. The husband and I went and we spent less than $10, including the gas we used to get there. That rocks. And girlfriend is fucking funny. Though there was this woman at the table behind me who kept repeating the punchlines. Like we're not all watching. Margaret Cho goes, "She didn't feed her vagina and it died." Then the woman behind me laughs really loud and then says, "Didn't feed her vagina and it died!!!"

Seriously.

But it brings up an interesting point. The joke is not as important as the thought behind it. If you don't feed your vagina (or your mind, or your curiosity or creativity or goldfish) it will die.

Feed it.

Just a little self-pity vent...

You know that fiber supplement that can be sprinkled in any food? Do you think they'll ever make xanax in that form?
It's funny that I can deal with the big things... the classes and the new house and the Hospice and the job. I can handle the dying father in law and the husband who is so, so completely lost. I can handle the sister who is screwing up her life and who also happens to hate me. I can handle the migraines that make me vulnerable and helpless. I can handle all of these things and I can handle them all at the same time, but the thing that set me off today - the thing that is making me cry and want to crawl into bed and not ever get up was the fact that my daughter's hair was in a pony tail when I picked her up from school. That's all. A pony tail.
She has rarely ever let me do anything to her hair. Since she was a small child. I can put stuff in her hair and three hours later it's gone. I gave up. Her hair is short now - has been for most of her life, if only because she won't stand for stuff in her hair. But today she had her hair in a pony tail.
Because her step-mother put it up this morning. And her step-mother is "so good at fixing hair." And her step-mother thinks her hair looks good up. And her step-mother is going to help her learn to do it herself. And her step-mother thinks she should put her hair up more often to "train" it. Isn't her step-mother smart? And fun??
I don't know why I bother to speak at all. I should just email the step-mother and have her say stuff.
Oh and also, yesterday my boss was mad at me and I don't know why. She wouldn't look at me, would barely speak to me and when she had to walk by me she walked so fast it looked like she was in training for some kind of race. Today she spoke to me if I spoke to her first, but more or less acted like nothing happened. A few weeks ago she told me she didn't think I was handling all of the stress in my life very well. I was sort of surprised - I honestly feel like I am juggling pretty well. She said she feels like my "head" is in Hospice and that I am basically just phoning in my performance at the station. This is after I got a raise, after the best pledge drive we've ever had and after I have worked seven days a week for most of the past year. After I have worked every weekend for as long as I can remember. This is after repeated promises that "someone" else would learn the automation so that I would actually be able to take an entire week off. Or a day.
Not a big deal if my boss was not also my best friend.
So my sister hates me, my kid has severe "mention-itis" about the idiot step-mother, and my relationship with my best friend is weird.
The holidays this year are going to ROCK!

I'm going to take another dose of my migraine medicine, half a xanax and then I'm going to eat a Twinkie.
And sleep.

Did you do it??

It's election day!! Woo hoo!! I think that election days should be proper holidays with cards and days off work and presents. And big gatherings of friends and family. Like Thanksgiving, only with a political slant. People should gather around the TV in the evening with slices of Voting Day Pie and cups of Electric Election Punch. People should walk around saying "Election Day Greetings!" and there should be sales at department stores - 20% off with your "I Voted" sticker. Seriously.

(I just got a "Happy Election Day" from someone at NPR... my day is officially complete).

So I hope you voted. I know two people who aren't going to. Shame on you. One person declared herself a "Political Atheist." She gets clever-girl points... but especially in this state, where women's rights are shrinking like Lilly Tomlin (anyone else old enough to remember that metaphoric movie??) and we really have to try to get the Lying Bastards responsible out of office.

Soap Box speech over.

Did you miss me??

I feel like I've been gone for weeks and weeks. I took a few days "off" after the drive. "Off" meaning I only had to go to class and practicum and I am only working 20 hours this week. Most of those hours are on the weekend so I was only at work for about an hour a day. I spent the rest of my time at the new house working and at the old house sleeping and watching judge shows. I have missed daytime tv, but if I had to be home with it all day every day I would probably lose my mind.

SO... did I remember to bring my camera to post pictures? Nope. This morning I was lucky to remember to get dressed.
Have I finished painting? Ummmmm.... noooooooo. I've painted 3/4 of my bedroom - I know, I wasn't even planning to paint that room... I'll get into that in a minute. And I've painted, like, 1/3 of the living room. It's looking pretty damn pink. I know that I wanted a warm beige-y color and I know that the last time I painted a living room a warm beige-y color and it looked really pink until we got our furniture in. But it's pretty damn pink. And it's going to take more than one coat. Not happy about that at all. I'm in the "paint it and move on" frame of mind. Oh, and I'm not done sanding the places where my dad patched it... I got home yesterday feeling like I had been licking drywall all afternoon, and I can still smell the dust. Bleh.
And the dining room?? Well, we got the stupid wallpaper down and we washed the walls and then I painted it white to see how bad it looked. It's pretty bad. I sanded it a little bit yesterday, but, um, it's pretty bad. Dad's plan (apparently) is to put a layer of drywall mud over it, sand it down and paint it. I'm good with that...
So way did I paint the bedroom?? dad kept saying "we" weren't done in the living room and I didn't know what else to do. I took the week "off" specifically to work at the house and I couldn't get a straight answer from him about what still neeed to be done. Until Thursday afternoon. Thursday afternoon he said I could start on the living room, I just needed to sand down the patched places. Shit, Roy.
So today after work I'm going to finish the bedroom walls and try for real progress in the living room and dining room. I hope that's not pink, too!

So I had a little meltdown yesterday. Compared to how I feel it was a fairly minor one... I am getting really frustrated with my husband. He's under a lot of stress. I know that. His father is dying (stage 4 lung cancer) and his mother is crazytown (borderline personality disorder) and his job is sucking the life from him. He also is having some dental issues and generally feels like crap most of the time.
Me? I am a person of action. I look at what I don't like and I fix what can be fixed so that I can more fully deal with what can't. There is nothing at all he can do about his dad. It's a sad situation and he is a huge source of support for his parents, but there is not a lot he can really do. But the job? Gone. I would have found another job a way long time ago. Dental issues? Go to the fricking dentist, right? Even if you are pathologically afraid of dentists, at some point put on your big girl pants and go, right?
Him? He complains about it all. And does nothing. He takes time off from work when they let him (all the time) so his paychecks are getting smaller and smaller. He won't quit - he's never actually quit a job before. And he's never been fired. The handful of places he worked before the station went out of business while he worked there and the station was a contract thing. He has also never really looked for a job before - it's always been a "friend of a friend is looking" type of thing. So he's not looking for a new job, just complaining about and not really working at the one he has.
And is the house packed?
Nope.
Is he working at the new house?
Nope.
Why not?!?
Because "He's never done this before so he doesn't know how."
Seriously.
So I have been giving him lists of stuff he can do and he gets one or two things from the list done and feels really good about himself. Then I come home and either do the rest of the stuff on the list or say "oh fuck it" and go to bed.

So yesterday he says, "Maybe I just won't go to work today, then they'll have to fire me and I can look for another job." When he says stuff like that I want to hit him. Really hard. With something big and pokey. And usually that sort of thing would ignite my inner bitch and she would flame out on his ass... but with all of the stuff he's going through I try to just deal with it and move on.

It has occurred to me that he is going through the stuff we all go through in our mid-20's. Stuck in this rut of hate-my-job-but-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-life. It has also occurred to me that his mother is so nuts and their family is so enmeshed that emotionally he might just be 15. This whole marriage/family/house thing was not in his five-year plan five years ago. Fine. But we just bought a house and I am stressed out (and stretched out) as far as I can be and still keep it together and I need HELP!!

So yesterday I flamed a little... low flame. I simmered. And when I got back to the house from painting and he was there (instead of at work) I thought about killing him but did not. He was packing boxes of books. Good boy. Now do that eleventy-billion more times and we'll be good to go!

The movers are coming on Monday the 20th at 8:00 am. That gives us two weeks and one day to have most of the packing done. The movers are coming to handle the big stuff - and as many boxes as they can do in the time I'm allowing. It's $80 an hour - I'm shooting for three hours - four at most. You know, with all of our extra money.
Jeez.