Dear "Them," We hate you. Love, "Us"

Bear with me... it's early and I'm already thinking about stuff.

I went to McDonalds on the way to work (fruit and walnut salad, mmmmm. Oh, and also an egg McMuffin - I am weak). The McDonalds near the radio station is staffed primarily by young people of Middle Eastern origin. The only reason that is relevant is because I hopped on the Train of Thought and it took me somewhere interesting.

BUT... before I get into that I need to make a few things very clear...
I know that not all people from the Middle East are Muslim.
I know that 9/11 was not an event sanctioned by the Muslim religion.
I know that the terrorists can not be linked to any specific country or even region of the world (the most recent guy convicted is from Australia).
I know that the word "hate" is insufficient and wrong. It is impossible to have one word to describe how I feel about canned spinach and child molesters.
I know that I should not write about politics, religion, or other topics of controversy. Especially not at 7am.

Here goes...

I ordered my egg McMuffin and while I was paying for it I wondered if the guy selling it to me was Muslim and how he felt about serving "unclean" meat for a living. I also wondered about the guy who had to cook it. Then I thought that if he was Muslim and if he was a crazy, "up with terrorists" kind of Muslim he probably thought, "unclean meat for unclean people, ha ha you're all going to hell you fat Americans." It did occur to me that if serving pork would upset him that much he'd probably try to get a job at Taco Bell or something instead. Then as he handed my by bag and smiled and told me to have a nice day and I smiled back and said, "You too, thanks!" I thought, wow, he was so much more polite than the other McDonalds employees usually are and I wondered if he hated his job as much as they all clearly do or if he really felt a sense of pride about his clean uniform and the repetitive structure of the fast-food work day. The other McDonalds employees I have dealt with radiate hatred and resentment - especially if you are so obnoxious as to ask for a plastic fork or an extra packet of sweet and sour sauce.

Which made me think about group hatred and "us" and "them."

We are told that "they" hate us. We are also told that if we are good Amrrr-kans "we" will also hate "them."

Do I hate Iraq? Do I hate Muslim extremists? Do I hate the terrorists?

I do not, in fact, have a blanket sort of hate that settles over parts of the world. Certainly not in a geographic way. If we have learned anything from history and literature haven't we learned that in general we all want the same thing and we are all frightened by the same things? Isn't it fair to assume that somewhere in Iraq or Afghanistan there is a 31-year-old overweight mom who wakes up earlier than she wants to, especially on the weekends? Isn't it fair to think that all she wants is for her kids to be safe? All she wants is to be able to take care of her daily needs and the needs of her family. Without worrying about suicide bombers or stupid laws. That's pretty much what I want. Do I hate her? Does she hate me? Nope. Not unless her kid is a shit to my kid, and then we're ON.

What about "the terrorists"? Do I hate them? Well, which ones - the ones on "our" side or "theirs"? And doesn't my asking that question automatically make me suspect?
And what about the extremists? Well, I have to say that Christian extremists in THIS country scare me a whole lot more than any other religious extremist in any other country. The ones who blow up abortion clinics and think that women should "obey" their husbands regardless of whether their husbands have any sense at all. The ones who are against birth control in any form. The ones who home school - NOT because their kids can get a better education at home, not because they are good teachers, not because they want to make sure their kids learn in a positive and loving environment, but because they want to make sure their kids are only exposed to their thoughts and beliefs. They just want to make sure their kids minds are as narrow and fixed as possible. Those people scare me.

To be clear: Homeschooling in general? Fine and dandy. Is it for me and my kid? Nope. We would kill each other in a week. Is it a good idea for other people? Absolutely. When it is done "right" - as opposed to my daughter's cousin who is 8 and can't spell or read because his mom "can't get him to study." Uh-huh. Seriously.

I think that I hatred for and fear of M.C. Rove and Dick Cheney (the great white hunter) than I do for anyone in any other country.

Unless their kid is a shit to my kid... then it is so on.

Hi.

Sorry about the self-pity fest yesterday... there has apparently not been enough chocolate in my diet recently. I am taking care of that right now with some fun-sized Snickers.
Mmmmmmm. Snickers.
They came from my mother in law's house so they're probably laced with arsenic. If I don't post for awhile send help.

Tuesday is for knitting and knit I did! I finished the first purple sock - pictures soon - and while I had planned to give it to Queen Nancy it matched the dress I was wearing yesterday so well that I was tempted to keep it! I will just order more yarn in a few weeks and make my own pair. I have been working on Andie's Crusoe socks, too and am almost finished with the second one. She's been waiting since the last pledge drive. That would be last October. Seriously.
I made dinner last night, and the theme was simple but good. Kerri brought some yummy appetizers (Melba toast with cream cheese and thinly sliced cucumbers. So simple, yet SO good). We also had bread and wine and it was lovely. Here's my recipe from last night:

1 package orzo
32 oz. carton of broth (I used veggie broth)
16 oz. can diced tomatoes
1/2 cup (or so) shredded Parmesan cheese

Dump the orzo and broth in a 9x13 dish, cover with foil and bake for 30 minutes at 400 degrees. Remove foil, mix in tomatoes and cheese and put back in oven 20 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

Simple and good. (And inexpensive, and there were not any leftovers).

Tuesday nights are good for me. It's nice to just relax and not do anything but knit and eat and talk and drink wine. This is why I have been teaching my friends to knit. And Andie is establishing a stash!! She ordered some Knitpicks and was talking about yarn storage options. I'm so proud! And she's ready to sew the toe of her very first sock!!!
(Kerri, your sock days are coming. You can run but you can't hide).

Wednesday is apparently for irony.

This morning I wore one of my new spring shirts. It's just a t-shirt but it's my favorite green - a sort of pastel lime. After my first class we went to Chipotle and I was SURE I was going to drip sauce or beans or guacamole on "the shelf," you know... But I didn't! I didn't even spill diet Coke on myself. Amazing, right?
The later I pulled up in front of the radio station and as I got out of my car I stepped on a package of Taco Bell sauce that was on the floor of the car and it squirted all over my arm and my shirt.
Fuck.
I don't even LIKE Taco Bell sauce. The only reason I would ever HAVE Taco Bell sauce in my car is for the husband. Grrrrrrr.
I had to do my automation stuff smelling like Taco Bell sauce.

So I came home and sprayed it down with Spray-n-Wash (love that stuff) and put on my jammies.

But I can still smell the sauce. I need more chocolate.

Somehow it's Tuesday

I spent yesterday morning at Hospice, yesterday afternoon at a funeral and last night dealing with an emotionally unstable husband.
I love him but I am getting really tired of dealing with this. Better/worse/rich/poor/death/part. I know. I'm not leaving, I'm just trying to figure out what to do at this point. He is in this bad place that I can't reach and he is the only person who can make any changes. I feel powerless and frustrated and sad and alone.
I feel like I can't count on him to do anything.
We fought this morning and I slammed the door and left for work... I got three blocks from the house and realized he hadn't taken the trash bin to the street. I turned around and went back home because I knew he wasn't going to and then the bin would be full for another week. It is the little stuff like that - but it's also the big stuff. It's the job situation. It's the money situation. I'm trying to figure out what to do next month. We have the house payment for April, but what about May? What if he's still not working in May?
After our fight this morning (and the fact that he got very little sleep last night and was still drunk this morning) he's not going to be putting in any applications or checking up on the ones he's already submitted. He's probably going to sit in his recliner and feel sorry for himself and drink some more and play his video games.
I just want my husband back.
I just want to not feel so much resentment and frustration.
I just want it to not be so difficult.

But it's Tuesday. And at my house, Tuesdays are for knitting. Tuesdays are for simple, good food and great conversation and not worrying about anything else.

Stormy Saturday

Because I don't have enough unfinished projects on the needles right now...

This sweater is on the back cover of this month's Creative Knits. It's from Plymouth Yarns. I went to the Plymouth website looking to buy it and saw another sweater that I love:





I have never knit a sweater and the only thing I ever made with cables was the Socks That Rock... ok, ONE sock that rocks. I will cast on for the second one. (I will!)
Soon.


I am tired. I had a dream last night that I was dying. I was in bed and wasting away and I just kept thinking that any second I would die and then my family could move on with their grief. In the dream I kept waking up feeling stronger and even I was getting tired of the whole emotional roller coaster of it. The thing that was most startling to me when I woke up is that I wasn't afraid to die. In the dream I was glad there wasn't any pain and all I really felt was tired, tired, tired... which is sort of a strange thing to feel in a dream, right? I was sad for my family, but mostly I was just impatient to get it over with so that they could just get on with it. Hi, Dr. Freud? I think that these dreams might indicate some kind of response to the recent deaths in my life, and maybe something about Hospice. I'm not sure though, what do you think? No, there were no cigars or sausages in any of my recent dreams. Jeez.

I went to a really funny musical (about menopause) last night with the Hospice crowd. There was an extra ticket so I called my mom and she met me there. We had a really good time - though I am not yet in my mid 30's and have some of the early symptoms of menopause and it's sort of freaking me out. Of course, I am a teeny bit of a hypochondriac. You could convince me that I have testicular cancer if you showed me the right article/movie on Lifetime/Oprah Winfrey Show. Seriously.

Thunderstorms today... Bean is with my mom and I might just go home after work and stay in bed for the rest of the day. I'm not depressed this time, I just want to make the most of the rest of spring break. What better way than to cozy up with a book and a knitting project and a movie and just veg?? I'm meeting a friend for lunch and maybe a little look around the LYS... I should NOT buy anything - for financial reasons as well as project backlog reasons. But we'll see.

No kids tonight!!

The girls had a good time. They were up until 4? 5? I woke them up around noon and we went to IHOP and then bowling. By the time the last girl was picked up (just before 6 pm) I was ready to drop. I slept hard until about 8 and then I took Bean to my mom's house where she will spend 3 fun-filled days reading and sleeping in and not cleaning her room. Which looks like a bomb went off. A big, glitter and bead-filled bomb.
Now I'm watching all of my Thursday night DVR shows in bed with my knitting and my laptop... but it is still so fricking humid that all I want to do is lie here naked (don't picture it) with about seven fans on me at the same time. And a big glass of iced tea. And maybe some ice cream.
If you have Showtime you must watch This American Life. If you don't have Showtime you must get it and then watch This American Life. I love Ira Glass. I've been an Ira fan for six years now and the transformation from radio to television is successful.
If you don't have Showtime and you don't get it you must at LEAST listen to the show - either through your local public radio station or online. Seriously.
And I met him in Austin at a conference. Behind my desk at the radio station is a picture of me with Ira. The husband would not let me put it in a heart-shaped frame that we got as a wedding present. The husband just does not understand.
Everything Ira does is fine with me.
Sammie is requesting that I stop typing and curl up with her now... must run!

No lions sleeping tonight...

Bean is having a slumber party tonight... there will be no sleeping.

So far they have made necklaces and giggled.
They ate spaghetti and meatballs and giggled.
They played pinball with the husband and giggled.
Now they're watching The Little Mermaid and eating peanut butter popcorn.
And they're giggling.

Tomorrow we're going bowling... it's good for Bean to have friends over and it feels really good to hear her having such a good time with her friends.

Andie came by (with Starbucks, god love her) to knit for awhile. Her daughter is 21 now and in college and she really misses the giggly phase.
But not enough to stay more than about 45 minutes...

I have three (or four) socks on the needles right now... I finished my Sock that Rocks and need to cast on for the second one... and I have a basic sock and tennis socks for Bean and Andie's final pledge drive sock.
Despite the large number of socks in the works, I have cast on for a bramble stitch shawl for my grandmother. I don't even know why. It's not cool outside anymore, but I saw the pattern in The Knitter's Bible Knitted Accessories and I had some Yarn Bee Soft Delight that I found on sale for a dollar at Hobby Lobby and suddenly I was digging size 13 needles out of my knitting box and now there is pink and purple and blue fuzz all over me and the couch and now the bed. Sigh.

I actually have a few days off. Weird, eh? Unless something really terrible happens I don't have to be back in the station until Saturday morning. Crazy.

Of course, the slumber party is on until about 6 tomorrow night and then Friday Bean and I are going to a museum in town for the afternoon and then I have tickets for a musical Friday night. So it's not like I'm going to be sleeping in and not showering. That was last week. But I am really loving spring break. Really loving it. No homework, (except for those extra credit assignments... must get moving on those) no work work, my house is not clean necessarily but it has been cleaned recently and the only room that needs serious attention is the kitchen. So this week is clearly better than last week.


But JEEZ-O it's hot in here. Seriously. It's been humid all day and outside it's maybe 55 degrees but inside it's hot and humid. We opened the window in Bean's room, but our bedroom windows are painted shut on one side and covered by the headboard on the other. Fuck.
So I have the box fan in the hallway pulling fresh air form Bean's room and the ceiling fans are going... It's cooling down now.

I promised the girls a midnight trip to Krispy Kreme... they asked if they could have coffee with their donuts. Um, no.

Sunday Random

I don't understand why people seem to be disappointed when the answer to the question, "Oooh, who are you knitting that for?" is "Me." Especially people I don't know - or at least don't know well. It's not like I would spending $20 on yarn and two weeks of knitting for them, so they can move that thought right along! And why shouldn't I knit something for myself?!? Why is it assumed that knitters are always making gifts for other people? When knitters ask that question it's less offensive - I know you know what really goes in to a simple pair of socks or even a scarf! I know that when a knitter asks who it's for and I say, "me," they'll approve. Good for me for doing something for myself.

****************************************************************

I keep having these weird dreams that I am making out with this odd Franken-Ex-Boyfriend. He is not someone I have ever dated, and he is everyone I have ever dated. All of their good and comforting qualities all rolled up into this amazing guy. It's freaking me out. Also, in the dream I am younger and thinner. And I have a better car.

*****************************************************************

My sister has been on my mind a lot lately... probably because the first time I had a sort of emotional breakdown she pulled me through it in that gentle, persistent way that makes her a good mom and a good nurse. Every time I feel that emotional deflation start I think about that summer - hours and hours of playing cards and watching bad movies. I didn't have to talk about what was wrong, I just had to be present.
I'm reading a book for the next book club called The Echo Maker by Richard Powers, and it's about sibling relationships and healing and dealing with the past. There is a line that stopped me cold, "You weren't someone's friend just by decree, or she'd be surrounded by support. Sister was no different, except technically. If he never again recognized her as his flesh and blood, what difference would all her objections make?"
I think that's what scares me so much about all human relationships. Our identities are so wrapped up with our relationships - I'm Bean's mother, I'm Jan's daughter, I'm Andie's friend - these are all ways in which I have identified myself to someone in the past ten days. At some point anyone could suddenly decide that I was no longer a friend, no longer a sister, no longer a mother. Irrelevance of blood and history is frightening. If she decides to never let this go am I really still her sister? Is she really still mine?

***********************************************************************

Kerri and I have been kicking around this dream of opening a yarn store. We have some good ideas. We have some excitement. We have no money.
But it makes me wish we could do it. All of this talk and dreaming makes me want to take a risk and start something new.
Because I need something else stressful in my life, right?
I should have finished my business degree... I should have focused on sales and marketing.
And I know there is more to opening a yarn store than sitting around and knitting all day, but certainly there is a lot of sitting around knitting if you open a store, right?

*************************************************************************

I'm going to try to finish sock 1 of my Monsoon Socks that Rock today. I am not going to do all of the leg repeats - I prefer a shorter sock and I'm afraid I'll run out of yarn. I really do love this sock - it represents me trying new things - toe-up, a different kind of heel and successful cables. I'm going to request clogs or Birkenstocks for my birthday so that I can show off all of my new socks. The ones I will be knitting for myself.

***************************************************************************

I love being a social work student. As frustrated and stressed out as I have been, I really do love it. Here are the extra credit assignments I have for spring break:
For 10 points in research - go and sit somewhere public (Starbucks) for two hours and make secret observations about something going on there. The we have to formulate a hypothesis based on the observations.
For 10 points in direct practice - do something that is just for you that will help relieve stress. Document this action in any way. I'm going to take pictures - Nap Lover getting a manicure, Nap Lover sleeping in (that one will be tricky), Nap Lover eating brunch, Nap Lover knitting.
Social work rocks.

***************************************************************************

The husband and I are going to a musical tonight - free tickets thanks to the station. I will miss the free stuff when I'm not working here anymore. I'll have to volunteer just so I can stay in the free stuff loop. Oh, and to see my friends...

****************************************************************************

A friend of mine just found out that her husband is going to Iraq in September. Also, they were in the process of trying to adopt. Now he will be in danger and the adoption is on hold. By the time he comes back they will have to start the process over again. There are not words I can give her. There is not comfort enough to wrap around that kind of scared and empty and alone and disappointed. I feel the need to stand guard over her, not to impose but to be ready if she needs me or anyone or anything. Futile, really. All she needs is this husband safe, this promised child present. All of my good intentions are meaningless.

****************************************************************************

Ok, end on a good note... there are cardinals in our back yard. A bright red male that hops and frets and a cleverly variegated female who blends in well under the shrubbery, searching for worms and bugs for lunch. She is plump and pampered and he is thin and bright - always watching for the neighborhood cats. I am not sure where their nest is, but I imagine that we will have babies this spring.

Send Midol. And Valium. And more pillows.

****WARNING*****Depressive ranting/whining ahead******
Soooooo.....
If they treat PMDD with antidepressants and you're taking antidepressants can you still have PMDD? I feel like I'm going to die. Or give birth to an SUV. Or die.
At least the fog in my head has lifted. For the last 8 days or so I have been feeling like I did before I started the Cymbalta! Exhausted by the smallest thing, staying in bed and ducking out of meetings to go home. Making excuses about late assignments and calling in sick to Hospice. Wednesday and Thursday I felt like a soap bubble - trembling and fragile and aimless.
Thursday I even left Hospice early. I got there just after the morning meeting and talked to the other social workers and did a little filing... and then I just left. I was going to treat myself - lunch, a manicure, something to fill time that would help me feeeeeeeeeel better. I ended up getting the oil changed in my car. Then I got lunch and read a little.
Friday I just. couldn't. get. up.
I was supposed to be at Hospice again but I felt tethered to the bed.
It took me four hours from the time I woke up until I got in my car. I was just so tired. I got up for a drink of water and went back to bed, feeling like I had weights attached to my arms and legs and head. A little while later I brushed my teeth. Back to bed. Shower. Bed. The husband came home and I was dressed, holding my socks and crying - I got the rest of my clothes on and just couldn't find the energy to sit up and finish. I wasn't sick... but my whole body felt heavy, like there was a special gravity just for me. I didn't even have the energy to sob... just pathetic, quiet tears. I think I scared him. He comes home at 2 in the afternoon and I'm watching a judge show with tears I can't stop running down my face. I stayed in bed for days and didn't knit or eat. He made me eat a pb&j before I left the house on Friday.
It all sounds so ridiculous now - just put socks on, right? Just get up and go, right? But I just couldn't. I can't explain it any better than that.
I didn't even want to knit. I know, right?
Andie and I went to a movie on Friday, so that was a little normal... and today I got up and went to work and did a little more research on my paper (that was due on WEDNESDAY. As in four days ago). I got organized at work and then came home and wrote and wrote and wrote.
Andie (god love her) came by at 4:00 and brought me a soy latte from Starbucks. She stayed for about an hour and then left me to write the rest of the (fucking) paper.
It's done. I should be happy... and I am. I feel like I did a pretty good job, so that's something.
Here's the best part - the paper? It was a literature review on treatments for depression.
Seriously.
The husband is out with his idiot friend celebrating St. Patrick's Day. They both claim to be Irish (year round, not just today). It's sort of irritating.
I told him to call me if he needed me to pick him up... but I hope if he needs a ride he just sleeps it off there. I just can't deal with jolly drunk "Irish" husband. And I really, really can't deal with sad, maudlin, drunk "Irish" husband.
Oh yeah, happy St. Patrick's Day.

Movie Meme for Friday!!

Andie go to the movies every Friday... almost without fail.

"It’s been alleged that if you’ve seen over 85 movies you have no life. Mark the ones you’ve seen. There are 239 films on this list. Copy this list, go to your own blog, paste it in and put x’s by the ones that you have seen. Add them up, figure out whether you’ve got a life or not, and post it."

(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest
(X) Boondock Saints
( X) Fight Club
( X) Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
(X) Blazing Saddles
(X) Airplane
(X) The Princess Bride
(X) AnchorMan
( X) Napoleon Dynamite
(X) Labyrinth
( X) Saw
(X ) Saw II
( X) White Noise
(X ) White Oleander
(X ) Anger Management
(X) 50 First Dates
(X) The Princess Diaries
(X) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
(X) Scream
(X) Scream 2
(X ) Scream 3
(X) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(X) American Pie
(X) American Pie 2
(X) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
(X) Harry Potter 1
(X) Harry Potter 2
(X) Harry Potter 3
(X) Harry Potter 4
( X) Resident Evil 1
(X ) Resident Evil 2
(X) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
(X ) The Village
(X) Lilo & Stitch
(X ) Finding Nemo
(X ) Finding Neverland
(X) Signs
(X) The Grinch
(X ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
( ) White Chicks
(X) Butterfly Effect
(X)13 Going on 30
(X) I, Robot
( ) Robots
(X) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(X) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(X) Along Came Polly
(X) Deep Impact
(X) KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
(X) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
( ) King Kong
(X) A Cinderella Story
(X) The Terminal
(X) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
(X ) Dumber & Dumberer
(X ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
(X ) Halloween
(X )The Ring
(X )The Ring 2
(X )Surviving Christmas
(X) Flubber
( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(X) Practical Magic
(X ) Chicago
( X) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
(X ) Secret Window
(X) I Am Sam
(X) The Whole Nine Yards
(X ) The Whole Ten Yards
(X) The Day After Tomorrow
(X ) Child’s Play
(X ) Seed of Chucky
(X) Bride of Chucky
(X) Ten Things I Hate About You
(X) Just Married
(X ) Gothika
(X ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
(X) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
(X ) The Grudge
(X ) The Grudge 2
(X) The Mask
(X ) Son Of The Mask
(X) Bad Boys
(X) Bad Boys 2
(X ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number SlevIn
(X) Ocean’s Eleven
(X) Ocean’s Twelve
(X) Bourne Identity
(X ) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
(X) Bedazzled
(X ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
(X) Ice Age
(X ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George
(X) Independence Day
(X ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
(X ) Christine
(X) E.T
(X ) Children of the Corn
(X ) My Bosses Daughter
(X) Maid in Manhattan
(X) War of the Worlds
(X) Rush Hour
(X) Rush Hour 2
( ) Best Bet
(X) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(X) She’s All That
(X) Calendar Girls
(X) Sideways
(X) Mars Attacks
(X) Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
(X)The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2
(X) The Terminator 3
( ) X-Men
( ) X-2
( ) X3
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
(X) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
(X) Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Little Mermaid
(X) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
(X) The Skulls
(X) Cruel Intentions
(X ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(X) Shrek
(X) Shrek 2
(X) Swimfan
(X) Miracle on 34th street
(X) Old School
(X ) The Notebook
(X) K-Pax
(X) Krippendorf’s Tribe
(X) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
(X ) The 40-year-old Virgin
(X) Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings: Return Of the King
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
(X) Base-ketball
( ) Hostel
(X ) Waiting for Guffman
( ) House of 1000 Corpses
( ) Devils Rejects
(X) Elf
(X ) Highlander
(X) Mothman Prophecies
( ) American History X
( ) Three
(X ) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Night Watch
(X) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic
(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(X ) Shaun Of the Dead
( ) Willard
( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
( ) Hulk
(X ) Dawn Of the Dead
(X) Hook
(X ) Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
(X ) 28 days later
(X) Orgazmo
( ) Phantasm
(X) Waterworld
(X) Kill Bill Vol. 1
( ) Kill Bill Vol. 2
(X) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
(X ) Kingdom of Heaven
(X ) the Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave
( ) The Last House on the Left
( ) Re-Animator
(X ) Army of Darkness
(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(X) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks: Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks: The Battle For Endor
(X) The Matrix
( ) The Matrix: Reloaded
( ) The Matrix: Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
(X ) Evil Dead
(X ) Evil Dead 2
(X ) Team America: World Police
(X) Red Dragon
(X) Silence of the Lambs
( ) Hannibal

I don't have to add these up to know the answer.
Happy Friday everyone!

PTSD for cats?

I'm guessing that talk therapy won't help...
Somehow Serena got out last night and we didn't notice until this morning. It's the first time in her life that she's been outside for longer than it takes me to fish her out from under the car.
When she got inside she was scared and jumpy... she hissed at everyone and everything and maintained a low, steady growl if Sammy was in eyesight. She would let me hold her and talk to her but her body was tense. I put her in the laundry room (where the food and water is) and she spent about an hour hiding on this chair. She finally calmed down and then she slept all day... I have never seen her sleep so soundly for so long. I don't know what happened to her last night, but whatever happened it was apparently pretty bad.
She's ok now... back to her grumpy (but not so jumpy) self. And she now shows absolutely no interest at all in getting close to the door.

My Monsoon sock fits! I am on the leg part (I switched to size 2 needles). I have almost completed the first repeat and will hopefully finish it by tomorrow.



Isn't it pretty?!?
Some knitters have complained of pooling in the larger sizes, but mine has striped beautifully. Blue Moon Fiber Arts is my favorite yarn company EVER!!
I ordered some yarn (shocker) that should be here any day now... The last of my yarn purchases for awhile. Until the husband gets another job we're all on a financial diet. He applied for a couple of jobs today and is going out tomorrow again.
I'm trying to stay positive.
I'm actually pretty nervous about the whole thing.

We have enough money in savings to pay the house payment for two months, but that was the money I earmarked for summer classes. And the whole "depleting our savings" thing is not appealing to me right now. I paid bills for this month already so we're ok for now, but the sooner he finds a job the better we'll all sleep.

Send good thoughts!!

Let's talk about socks, baby!!

I've been rocking out with my socks that rock... Sammie was really proud of me for finally finishing the toe...


I think the next one will be easier... and the 4 times I frogged had more to do with the fact that I wasn't actually paying attention to what I was doing than anything else.

This picture was actually taken on Thursday...

My camera was out of batteries again. (I KNOW!!) I am seriously going to look into rechargeable batteries.




Here's the sock today...

I'm wearing it so that it doesn't look obscene... and also because it feels so good on. This is certainly a benefit to the toe-up sock - you can try it on as you're knitting and you get the reassurance that it is going to fit well.

These socks are making me happy.

I really need a pair of Birkenstock's.

I have discovered a new favorite drink... Dole has sparkling fruit juice. I had a bottle of cranberry raspberry this morning. It's sweet and fizzy like pop but it's fruit juice and the 16oz. bottle has 100 calories. Not bad for juice! There were several kinds and I'm going to try them all.
My Quik Trip has gone all classy on me. There is a new counter and the hot dog thingy has expanded and now includes stuffed bread sticks and corn dogs. This is not a good thing. I did pretty well this morning... Iced tea, fizzy juice, cashews and Sunchips. No candy bar, no corn dog, no 500 calorie chocolate muffin.
Hummus and gyros for lunch and Staaaaaarrrrrrbucks!!!!!! Woo hoo! Just the boost I needed to work on my paper. Ugh.
Am I done with school yet? Can't I just get the degree already?

All this talk about food has made me hungry... I wonder if there are any Girl Scout Cookies left...

My what big toes you have....

My sock sort of resembles something that is not a foot. Um.... it's sort of shaped like a body part I don't have. I have been assured by other blogs that this is actually ok, and that it comes from knitting a rounded toe and then using a ribbed stitch on the foot.
I just feel like if I am going to carry this around and knit on it I should be wearing a sign that indicates that it is not a giant green penis cozy, that it is in fact a sock.
I would post pictures but I'm afraid to.

The yarn delivery guy (in the brown uniform, as opposed to the delivery guy in the blue) just stopped by the office and left me the nicest little box. It's Panda Cotton Print yarn from Yarn Market. I love them. I bought some sock yarn to make my daddy some socks for father's day. And some more for me and I'm finally going to make socks for Bean. Finally.

I am still waiting on a shipment from Knitpicks (needles and KIP bags) and from Blue Moon Fiber Arts (yarn). I am happy in my little socky phase. Another blogger just received a shipment of Lantern Moon Sox Stix. I am jealous but resisting. They're lovely and all... but I am waiting for those needles from Knitpicks. Sammie (bad kitty, no, no) did gnaw on my bamboo needles. Lucky for her she gnawed but did not manage to remove the sock from the live stitches. But I hardly think that a little kitty gnawing on one end of one needle qualifies as an excuse to buy new needles.

Or does it?

Anyway, the husband just quit his job (I'm not panicked yet... five or six more days ought to do it) so I will not be ordering online with this paycheck. I will be stashing it away in case his job search takes more time than it should. Fear is a great motivator and I have been doing my level best to convince him that if he does not produce an income soon I will kill him. Dead. With my pointy sticks. Here's the thing... I have 2 more years in school and then I will be making a lot more money. And by "a lot" I mean that starting salary for my degree in this town runs into the range of what he and I made together last year. Seriously. All he has to do is coast for two more years and figure out what he wants to do and then he can go back and finish his degree with no outside distractions!!!
Of course, I would have preferred to do it the other way... I'd like to coast a little. But then coasting has never been my strong suit. I'm more likely to run until I collapse and then feel bad about being "lazy."

Well, other than looking a bit phallic my Socks that Rock are actually going well. The Blue Moon yarn is really great - I frogged the toe 4 times and it still looked like new yarn. Yay!!

I'm a slug

Tuesday Bean stayed home from school and I spent the morning drinking coffee and knitting and cleaning and reading. Apparently I'm still paying for that uncharacteristic burst of energy.
Yesterday I woke with a migraine. I had a test in class 1 and a paper due in class 2. As I had actually studied for the test but not written the paper my plan was to go take my test and then come back home and write. I was hoping to finish the paper and email it in before class was over.
Instead, I got back home, took some migraine medicine and slept for four hours.
This morning I was supposed to go to Hospice and attend a meeting. A long, long, long meeting. I called in and slept all morning instead.
I have not been out of bed today except to brush my teeth and pee.

Slug, slug, slug, slug, slug.

The cats are very cautious. The human is in the soft cat napping place while there is light outside. That is not what usually happens. They have both been on and off the bed (and on and off of me) all morning, sniffing and purring.
The husband is also very cautious. Do I need anything? (Sleep). Can he bring me some lunch? (Starch).
Oh, he's home too. He quit his job yesterday. This is a good thing, though I wish he'd lined up another job first. I am not freaking out yet... we'll see if he is still out of work in a week.

On the Socks that Rock front... they may rock, but I certainly don't. I have started them three times and frogged them three times. Toe-up socks appear fairly simple but I can not do it right now. I'm putting them down for a few days and then I'll try it again.

Well, it's past my naptime... I have to de-slug tomorrow so I'm taking advantage of it today.

Mourning, yarn porn, cat in the cupboard

We are in mourning.
The cabled hat with the soft, lovely yarn. I dropped a stitch, rescued the stitch and dropped another one. I thought I caught that one but I apparently did something very wrong because there was a big hole.
I frogged it. All of it. All the way down.
I'm going to try a simpler hat. A much simpler hat.
BUT. Enough of the crying and carrying on.
As promised, here is the lovely Socks that Rock yarn. I love it, love it, love it.

This is the lovely hank of yarn, sitting on the lovely notebook that was sent with the yarn.



Take a moment. I'll wait.







This is the yarn on the swift. You can see the colors so much better on the swift.








Ignore the basket of laundry in the corner.



The yarn is winding nicely on the winder.

You can't hear, but I'm humming and singing softly under my breath, "winding winding winding."
I need a larger ball winder... this winder works well for 50 grams of sock yarn, not so well for 100 grams.






Taaa Daaaa!

All wound up and ready to roll.









In other news... here is Andie's sock. There were only three rows the last time we saw it... now she's knitting away and only has fleeting moments of panic.


Tonight I also showed my friend D how to get a sock going. She has teeny little feet and is a fast knitter so she'll be done in no time.

We're meeting for lunch on Saturday for hummus and the turning of the heel!






AND NOW... The bad kitty got into the cupboard again. She looks like I am bothering HER. My husband could not believe I let her sit in there long enough to get the camera. I just admire the sense of entitlement. I wish I could convey that kind of calm when I am caught somewhere I'm not supposed to be.

It ends well, I promise.

I missed another knitting meeting tonight. Bean called me from school and said she was sick and wanted to come home. She seems to get sick every time she spends more than 18 hours at her dad's house... it's getting a little old. The husband was off today so he picked her up and got her situated. I finished my work and brought juice home. She feels fine, she's just still in the sniffy, coughing stage.
Sick kid aside, you wouldn't want to be at my house tonight.
The trash goes out Monday nights, so Monday nights are cat poop nights. I am in charge of the removal of the cat poop... except that last week the husband (in a shocking display of husbandly goodness) took cat poop duty. And then neglected to tell me that we were low on litter. I can't dump the old without replacing it with the new, ya know?
But it wouldn't be a Monday night without something really disgusting, right? So I decided to clean anything furry out of the refrigerator. You'd think that since we have only lived here since December and I rarely cook that it wouldn't be so bad. You'd be wrong.
So I dumped and scraped and soaked everything in the sink in bleach and then I put it all in the dishwasher and took out the trash.
Then I washed my hands. Well. With really hot water.
And then I had a snack. I found these at Wal Mart this afternoon. Honest-to-Bob 100-calorie packs of Hostess Cupcakes. (Pen included for scale - each one is about the size of my iPod shuffle). They're the cutest, tiniest little cakes but they're good and actually pretty satisfying and they do have a tiny cream center. They also come in yellow cake and carrot cake. Yeah, man.
I licked every bit of chocolate frosting off of the cellophane, too. Every one of those 100 calories was mine and I was not about to throw any of them away.
I have been knitting, but those pics are for tomorrow... I'm having a yarn porn Tuesday just for fun... expect some Blue Moon to make an appearance!
I will also be buying litter on the way home, the cat poop situation will be resolved and then you will want to come to my house.
And knit and drink some wine or tea.
And you can have some diet-friendly cupcakes, too.

I'm not Catholic anyway.

I failed my Lenten challenge. I am weak.

I ordered needles online last night... and then because KnitPicks ships free with orders over $45 I had to find some other stuff to buy (what a challenge). I noticed that their KIP bags were on clearance and that they weren't even listing some of the bags individually anymore, so I panicked and ordered the set. I've been contemplating this purchase for some time... it took the possibility that I couldn't have it ever to push me over the line.

I am weak. I am happy, but I am weak.

I am going to try to keep this a one-time failure. Honestly, I was ordering online WAY too much. Not just yarn, but clothes I don't need, book orders from Amazon, music from iTunes... and if I am running to retail therapy enough that it's costing more than actual therapy then I need to take a giant step back and think about things a little deeper.

I need to de-clutter my life. I need to have a yard sale like Crazy Aunt Purl and purge from my house (and my life) everything that is not working for me. (Except that I hate... HATE... having garage sales). Maybe I need to group things together and eBay like Kerri. Surely someone would pay $10 plus shipping for a box of my crap! Maybe selling online could be as addictive as buying online!

I'm really itching to start my Rockin' Sock Club socks... but I have socks in progress now that I need to finish before I do anything else. I also have the socks that I started with Andie. She is still moving along with her socks... I'm trying to keep pace with her so that I can show her the elements of a basic sock as she is ready for it. Denise wants to learn socks too, so I told her to go to the LYS (the only place I know of that you can buy sock supplies in town) and I would show her the next time we got together. Socks are fun. And portable. And satisfying. I did have a dream last night that I was working on the clapotis that I started so many weeks ago... sheep in a jeep! If all of my UFO's start showing up in my dreams I'm screwed!

I'm quite the social gal!

I went to a wine bar in town tonight with Denise and Andie and Andie's husband. It was all very nice and the wine was good and the cheese plates were fantastic... but it was soooooooooooo expensive. I spent almost $50. And it was just me. Seriously. We decided it would be less expensive (and more quiet) to DIY the whole wine bar experience at home. I ordered bruschetta - usually a simple and safe choice... it was two pieces of garlic bread with the BIGGEST SHRIMP EVER on top with greens on op of that. It was good, but the shrimp! Seriously, it was as big as a banana. I enjoy shrimp. I do. But my favorite shrimp is the small variety. Salad shrimp, cocktail shrimp - great. Shrimp that has to be cut with a knife and fork? Way too fucking big.

Tomorrow I'm having lunch with S at a restaurant that has really good spring rolls. Like, so good that I'm always tempted to just order spring rolls. The husband will be working so I'll go home and (knit) study for my test on Wednesday and (knit) write my paper that is also due on Wednesday. It is always an option to just not go to class on Wednesday and stay home and finish. I am not a great shining example of what a student is supposed to do. I rarely read the assigned reading, I put assignments off until the last possible second and I skip class constantly. But I get good grades and I'm learning what it means to be a social worker. That's the important thing, after all.

Monday there is a knitting meeting. I need to finish my socks so that I can get on to my Socks That Rock!! I was reading the STR blog and someone wrote that she used different needles on different parts of her sock. BRILLIANT!! She used 0's for the toe, 1's for the foot and 2's for the leg which allows for a different fit for each part of the sock. GENIUS I tell you. Absolute genius. I am totally thinking of forgetting the whole lent thing and ordering more needles.

If I had not spent all of our money at the wine bar (and also booking our Chicago tip) I would. I might anyway. I am not a strong girl.

IT'S HERE! ITS HERE!!!

My Socks that Rock have officially arrived. I keep stopping whatever I'm doing to touch the yarn. (Yes, Lara, you can touch the yarn too!!!)

I love it, love it, love it!! And I think that the pattern is not going to be so difficult as to be above my knitterly skills. Yay me!

I'm not posting pics... yet... because there are other "spoiler" sites out there and also because my camera goes through batteries like I go through Diet Dr. Pepper and I currently have no new batteries.

I am so excited about this delivery that I find myself with little else to say... I am knitting away on Andie's Crusoe socks so that I can free up my size 2 needles, but I have about a bajillion things to do before my next class on Wednesday so I'm not sure how much knitting I'll get through this weekend.

I'm off to fondle my yarn... again, not a euphemism. Stop that.

Week in review...

Still no Rockin' Sock Club delivery. I check every day to see if anyone else is posting about theirs! I can't wait to see what I get... I'm working furiously on the socks that Andie and I started together, and I'm also working on her final pledge drive sock just trying to free up some needles!

I feel like it has been months since I posted, but it's only been a few days.

Bean was really mad at me for going to Kerri's for the Oscar's. We talked on Monday morning and she said she felt like she never gets to see me. I'm not sure where that's coming from, as we spent the whole day together on Sunday. THE WHOLE DAY. And the husband has been really clingy and weird lately, too. I feel like they would superglue themselves to me if they could and am feeling a little smothered by them both. So when I hear that I'm "not spending enough time" with either one of them it makes me feel a little panicked and guilty. This fatigue thing has left me with little energy or tolerance for anyone.

We're ok, though. We all talked about how we were feeling and we came to some compromises and then Monday we all went out for dinner as a family. Apparently what she wants is for us to look like families in the commercials. Out for dinner or bowling or mini golfing, talking and laughing and happy all the time. We talked about the fact that while we could certainly make an effort to do those things that kind of image wasn't something realistic that could be maintained over a long period of time. Life is messy and inconvenient and tiring and fake happy was as unsatisfying as no happy.

We did have a good time at dinner and there was laughing and joking.

Tuesday was the first day Cubs tickets were on sale and that is what I had been waiting for to book our Chicago trip. We have tickets now for Wicked and a Cubs game and we're staying in a nice hotel within walking distance of Navy Pier. Yay me, right?

Nope. Mr. Wonderful was angry at me for booking the trip without talking to him about it again. We had already talked about dates, talked about what we wanted to do and about how much we could spend. I didn't realize that our "discussion phase" was not over. He is excited about the trip, of course, but I thought that would be his first reaction, not his last. So that was disappointing.
Then on Tuesday I also found out that this small paper that was due on Wednesday morning wasn't such a "small" paper after all and I stayed up until 2 to finish it.

Class all day Wednesday and then I went home and slept until he came home. We couldn't decide what to do for dinner - and I was groggy from being asleep so hard - so we ended up at a diner. I had french toast and he ate my bacon. And that is not a euphemism, so stop it. At the diner we ran into one of my husband's friends from high school... joy.
My husband was, um, rebellious in high school. He participated with the chemically altered crowd. He hadn't seen his "friend" in ten years or so and this guy looked like he was still of the chemically altered variety. He ended up sitting with us and at one point looked at the husband and said, "Married, man, what the hell? Why'd you do it?"
Seriously? You wormy little fucking tweaker?
I could not finish my french toast fast enough.

Tonight I'm on the air for All Things Considered so I get to play "news girl" for the evening. Tomorrow is a social work conference and the book club. Welcome to the first time in a year and a half that I did not finish the book. Luckily, nobody else did either.
I need a nap.