Bramble Stitch (A Purely Knitterly Post)

I don't know why I like bramble stitch so much... but it's interesting. The way the wrong side is really the right side and you alternate between making one stitch become three and three stitches become one. The nubby little clusters that don't look like anything at all, but when you block it suddenly there are little flowers.

Anyway... I'm on a bramble stitch part of my super-secret knitting project and it's making me happy.

Thanks to Laura (SugarBunny) for reminding me that if I am ever going to finish this project I need to, you know, work on it instead of knitting socks.

Are there bramble stitch socks?!? Hmmmmmmmmm.....
(Not now! No more new projects now!!)

I am working to catch up on the On Your Toes sock-of-the-month club and over the weekend I managed to finish the April socks as well as half of the May pair. I also have my super-secret project, the Ernie sweater (tick, tick, tick) and two sweaters for me that are waiting patiently... and also I started another dream weaver headband.

It's a sickness.

I sat in Twist this weekend listening to people discuss WIPs and stash... and it's interesting how much of yourself you can reveal through your yarny habits. For example, I have so many WIPs that I don't even remember all of them. I have no idea where some of them are and should probably frog about half of what's on my needles and re-appropriate the yarn. But somehow that doesn't stop me from casting on new projects left and right as though there are NOT a limited number of hours in a day.

And stash, sweet lovely stash.
Did you know that there are some knitters who buy only what yarn they need for a specific project, and then complete that project before buying more yarn?!?
It makes me feel icky just thinking about it.
I mean, there are just things that you should always have in abundance around the house... toilet paper, peanut butter and yarn are pretty much my top three. (With toothpaste and soap rounding out my top five).

We all know that I am a spender. I have not ever tallied my yearly output - frightening to even contemplate, non? - but if I had to estimate last year's totals just on yarn I would say that it might fall within the $1500 - $2000 range.
I know. I KNOW.
I'm better now. Or at least less solvent and therefore less likely to spend.
But last year's desperate stashing makes for this year's calm knitting.

OK. Enough of this chatter. Now back to my regularly scheduled knitting.

A Boy.

My daughter likes a boy.
You know... in that way.
And he's a very nice boy who comes from a very nice family. A very nice family who knits.
But he's still a boy, and the mom in me is twitchy about this. Outwardly I am calm and "cool mom," right? But inside my hair is completely white and I am hyperventilating. I feel like I'm almost at the top of the roller coaster and my car is steadily closer to the point where I lose all control and am at the mercy of gravity, engineering and a whole bunch of bolts.

I was pretty calm about it last night. On the outside. She was talking with him and laughing and setting off all of my alerts. Inside I was screaming, "Step away from the boy!!!"
Once we got home she said, "Don't worry, mom, I feel about him the way that you feel about That Bad, Bad Man!"
THIS DOES NOT MAKE THE MOMMY FEEL BETTER!!
NOT AT ALL!!
I wanted to say, "Oh, honey, no you don't." But I remember my mother scoffing at my puppy love and so I said nothing.

I think the twitch in my eye said it all.

On the other hand, it might also mean that she is fairly insulated from that part of my relationship with That Bad, Bad Man. You know, in that she sees it so casually.
Right?

Sigh.

I made it very clear that if she and this boy should start (a-hem) "going together" or whatever the kids are calling it these days, and something should happen and they should break up that she was just going to have to suck it up and understand that I was still going to be hanging out with his family and that she could sit her happy ass in the car while I knitted if she couldn't be in the same room with him.
She said, "Oh I think if we broke up or something that we would be friends."

Isn't that just the cutest thing you've ever heard?
(Snort).

Overlap

Sarah Vowell was in town last night... And there were so many knitters there!! I am used to running into a lot of people I know through the radio station at events like this, but when the knitting part of my life and the literary part of my life overlap with the public radio part of my life it just makes me feel like everything is good and it all makes sense. (Makes me feel like a big snob... but what's a girl to do?)

I am going to miss the public radio culture when I'm not there anymore. I mean, sure I'll still be at some of the events (probably more since it won't be a mandate - despite the fact that I will have to start paying to get in to stuff) but I will be there as a listener rather than a representative. I like being "on the inside."
It makes me feel cool.
Pathetic, but cool.

Speaking of pathetic... it's Thursday and at the Vet Center Thursday is the day that the woman who owns the vending machine changes out all of the snacks. It's pathetic that I look forward to this... but she always puts different stuff in and it's all consistently good stuff!! And 2 weeks ago she added diet A&W Root Beer, making her officially one of my favorite people (in the snacking part of my life).
I would like to own a vending machine.
I don't know where I'd put it... but how great is that? To bring mid-afternoon chocolate and/or salt to weary office-workers. Sigh.

Sally and Shelly have started working on the Clapotis... and it makes me want another one. I loved knitting it, but I never wear it. I made mine wider and longer than the pattern called for. Mostly because I am a little wider and longer than Veronik Avery. When I washed it the yarn bloomed a little bit and now this thing is freaking huge!! But it makes a quite toasty wrap and it's so soft that I feel like I have a security blanket. (So much so that I am tempted to just tie it around my neck like a superhero cape... Well what did YOU do with your security blanket during the day? Mine was a cape). So today I'm wearing it... and it's soft and smells good and that makes me happy.

There's an Ani DiFranco song called *Overlap that has been at the top of my playlist lately...for a variety of reasons. I love finding connection and overlap in the positive things in my life. It's reassuring and validating. There is absolutely a need for diversification - in interests and friends and passtimes, but sometimes (like last night) things just come together.
So today I will leave you with a line from the song:
'Cause I know there is strength in the differences between us
and I know there is comfort where we overlap.

*If you're one of those blog readers (like I am) who goes looking for this song on iTunes or something my favorite version is the bluesy, slow, live version from Living in Clip. I'm just saying.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can....

This whole midterm thing - "Here, answer these four questions that each make your brain hurt in a different area and don't forget to be all-encompassing and interesting!" - is making me a little crazy.

Yes. I am aware that if I had followed the lead of my dear friend Kristin I would have been done a week ago.
Yes. I am aware that I put it off too long and now am feeling stressed out because I procrastinated.
Yes. I am aware that I do know the answers to the questions and all I have to do is organize my thoughts and commit them to paper.

Knowing all of that doesn't mean that I am having fun with it.
And it doesn't mean that next time I'll be any better about time management...

But here's the best part of this whole thing: next time is the last time. After this round of midterm hell I only ever again have one more round and then I'm done.

I can do this.

My plan this morning was to park myself at Panera (where the snacks are and the pillows and knitting are not) and just work... But as I booted up my laptop it started beeping. Alarmingly loud. Once it stopped (and I apologized to the people around me) I tried to type. None of the keys produced the effect they were supposed to. The "W" made this: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, and the "Backspace" made this: 222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222, and the "E" made nothing.
So I blinked at it for a few minutes.
Then I called Jon. I love Jon. Turns out he was on his way to the station - which is where I was headed because it was my next best location for writing this paper...

So he opened the things that shouldn't be opened and poked around and then said it looked like someone spilled Coke on the keyboard.

I wonder who that someone could have been?
The last person to use the computer was Bean and I know that she would never spill Coke on my laptop and then not tell me about it.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

So Jon (who we have established that I love) is letting me borrow a USB keyboard.
Bean is going to be here soon and then we can go home.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

I have a feeling that some cleaning is going to get done today and I'm not doing any of it.

Saturday!

Ever have one of those mornings where you wake up sort of hungover and want to just say "fuck that job" and roll over and go back to sleep for about three weeks?
Right.
Me neither.
So, I am showered and dressed and full of caffeine and Egg McMuffin... and counting the minutes until I can leave and meet Sally for lunch and knitting at Twist and then attend a certain party that is a lot like a Tupperware party... only with adult toys instead of Tupperware. (Hey, yoga is not the only way to find inner peace and harmony. I'm just saying is all).

So, knitting! Despite the fact that I have several unfinished objects hanging around I am suddenly drawn to fair isle and want to start a bunch of new things. Including a sweater. Seriously.
BUT I WILL BE STRONG AND RESIST.
(Yes I will, you don't know!)
Because I still have Ernie to finish, and also that sweater for Grace and also my Super Secret project...
And also there is the "no money" issue. Sigh.

And school. Jeez. I have STILL not even started my mid-term. I guess that's why the last minute exists, right? So that I have time to get stuff done? My friend Kristin finished hers LAST WEEK. Because she is smart and did not wait until, you know, NOW to start.
I want school to be over.
Only seven more months. I can do anything for seven more months.

In the mean time, I am planning a few getaways...
We're going to visit my cousin in North Carolina in January and we're going to Chicago over spring break and then there's the graduation cruise in June... and a few smaller trips in there too.
All work and no play makes NapLover a dull girl. (See above).

Hope you all have a great weekend too!!

Good Mother? Bad Mother?

So here is my sweet, lovely child on her first day of school:














And here's what she looks like after our hair coloring adventure:








She thinks it's really cool... I'm still in shock. I had no idea it would be that bright!!
One of my friends pointed out that she will always remember the time her mom dyed her hair magenta... and I sort of like that.

Wonder what the kids at school think!

Marriage

I did not finish the 3-day Danica. Instead I'm going to finish it for her for Christmas. If I had not taken such a lovely nap on Saturday I might have come much, much closer... but napping was an essential part of a successful Saturday.

I worked in the morning and then had my aunt's birthday party at 4 and Andie's birthday party at 7. I got back home around 11 and fell into bed. I woke up Sunday at 8 and said, "Get back to bed, Missy, there is much more sleep to be had."
And there was.
I count on my weekend sleep to see me through the week... and while I didn't get as sick as Sally, I am certainly still fighting something. I am feeling much better (emotionally and physically) than last week, but we all know how quickly and easily that can backslide.

I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately - partly because our anniversary was last week, and partly because it's fall. My mother is worried that I will take "the easy way" (her words) and let my heart wither. That I will give up on the idea that there is someone who could love me forever. Less important than that, honestly, is the idea that I will give up on the idea that I could love someone forever. That pain and disappointment are necessarily tied to loving someone and that I would be better off without the hassle.

I don't worry about that. My heart is big and full and strong.
I am not afraid to get hurt... ok, I am afraid to get hurt, but not so afraid that I let it restrict my movement.

Every time I say "I'm not getting married again," there is someone who says that I am just inviting fate to step in. But just because I don't want to get married doesn't mean that I don't want to have a solid, long-term relationship. It doesn't mean that I am afraid of commitment or fidelity or love. It just means that I have tried marriage. Twice. And neither of them went well.

I like being single... single in a monogamous relationship works for me. It means that I have balanced freedom and tether in a way that makes me happy.
And I don't have to wash anyone's underpants but my own.

Look! Knitting!

Sammy loves Ernie.









I think she thinks it's hers.













I love Ernie too... and have finished the back and sleeves.










Though I did stop for a few days in an attempt to knit a 3-day Danica for my aunt's birthday. I'm not done enough that it could be blocked before the party (today).

But I am done enough that I could finish and give it to her unblocked.
I still want to keep it for myself...

Control Freak

There is just too much stuff rattling around in my head... and not all of it is bad. I'm in that weird place where everything has found a groove and is just rolling right along - which usually means there is disaster just around the corner. I am working on enjoying the ride without making myself crazy with anticipatory angst. (That is not as easy as it sounds, by the way, and if you think it is you are totally reading the wrong girl's blog).

I talked to my therapist about the crazy-crazy from earlier in the week and he basically said, "Look, you can't control this and you wouldn't want to even if you could so just relax."
God love him.
So I said, "How do I do that?"
And he smiled that therapy smile (which we all practice in the mirror, in case you were wondering) so I said, "Listen, buddy, don't use that therapy smile on me. If I have to work so do you."
So he said, "Well, what would you tell a client in this situation."
Bastard.

I did finally get some suggestions from him, one of which I will share. Because I am good like that.

When there is a situation in which I feel anxiety because I have no control I am supposed to take a step back and make a list of the reasons why my lack of control is better than if I were in charge.

So much of my relationship with Bartleby revolved around him making everything my responsibility that I was in charge of and responsible for his every mood and feeling... and I hated him for it. I wanted him to act autonomously and get through his crap without my having to convince him to do it.
I wanted him to be a grown-up. (I know, what was I thinking?!?)
But because he wasn't, and because he didn't ever take responsibility for his own life that meant I could distance myself from him emotionally which meant I didn't have to take him seriously or have real feelings for him.

So it was emotionally convenient for me to be in control because then I could also be in control of my emotions.

And those rules no longer apply.
And he's right, I totally don't want control of anyone else but me... and I'm not sure if I even want that some days.

Some randomness...

OK. Sorry about yesterday.
So no crazy today.
(Translation: this will be a short post).

Vitamin D anyone?
This article makes a strong case for more vitamin D in my diet. I know it's not good to follow every nutritional trend that falls off the internets, but if most of your vitamin D comes from sun exposure it would make sense that I have none!!

Ernie progress...
I have finished both sleeves and the back. Yay!! Becca said this might actually be the sweater I finish and I think she might be right. If nothing else, it has made me less scared of colorwork.

Danica by Saturday?
My aunt's 60th birthday is Saturday. If I were a smart girl I would have thought of this sooner, but I'm wondering if I could start and finish a Danica scarf for her (Noro Slik Garden, yum) between now and 4pm on Saturday... including a wash and block.
I know, I said no more crazy, but barring a sprained wrist it might be possible. Maybe.
(I think a trip to Twist is in on my agenda this morning).

Did anyone else think that McCain looked constipated last night? But at least he can pronounce Nuclear.
And wasn't my boyfriend Barrack looking fine... if a little tired.
I did get a little tired of the "I don't want to answer what you asked so I'll answer what I wanted you to ask" routine that they both were playing - I get enough of that in my daily life!
If you did not see The Daily Show and/or Colbert last night make sure to catch the reruns today.

Crazy-crazy or Just Crazy?

Sooooo...

I'm really upset about something that may not be that big of a deal.
Or it might be. I'm not sure.
And it might not be a nig deal right now but it could be a big deal later.
Or not.
The only thing I am really sure about is that I am hurt and mad and frustrated and that the situation is unlikely to resolve at all, let alone in a way that is satisfying for me.
And that sucks.
Especially since this might just be a trick of time and stress and chemistry in my poor, sad, over-caffeinated brain.
But then, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you, ya know?
I think that it comes down to figuring out what is more important - the actual facts or the perception of the facts?
And is it worth beating my head against a (silent, stubborn, slippery) brick wall just because my (stupid, stupid) brain can't just MOVE ON ALREADY?

There is no option of a resolution here.
I am not going to get what I came for.
So I am paranoid and suspicious and obsessive.
For nothing.

I just need to let it go.
And also maybe switch to de-caf.
Or bourbon.

A Case of the Mondays

It is difficult, after two days of eat and sleep and knit and laugh and cry and being myself to have to climb back into the "real world." To reattach my verbal filter (yes, Virginia, there is a verbal filter).

On a related note, Hey Matt? Dude, you know that was totally the residual massage high and yarn fumes talking... right? You are my favorite of the husbands and the only boy who gave me a valentine last year, but... well, sorry for anything I said that may have been inappropriate. I know it's sooooo unlike me to say anything inappropriate.

It's interesting that we all seem to be cycling down at the same time. Is it really something so simple and basic as the changing of the angle of the light? Are we really so fragile and needy that the sun can't take a season or two off?

Apparently.

On the one hand, it's nice to have a group of people against whom I can normalize myself. I can look around and know that it really isn't just me.
On the other hand, I hate that there is so much sad and unease going around and I wish there was something that could be done about it.

We will get through this. All of us.

Joyful Girl (and Jewelry!)

Apparently I am twelve years old... every time they talk about the bail-out today they say something about how they are looking at which of the bad assets to fund. And every time they say "bad asset" I have a Beavis moment: "Heh heh, she said bad ass on the radio."

Right, so about my joyfulness...
Joy is a choice. Happy is a choice. Positive thinking is a choice.
I know that sometimes it doesn't feel like it - you know that I have had my dark days (weeks, months) and there have been times when I appear only moderately functional. Joyfulness does not feel like an option during those times.
But it is.
It always is.
This week I had a couple of difficult moments... we hit the six-month point since Jeff died, and then there was the horrible Social Security office experience... and both times when I reached out for help Sally was there with encouragement and empathy and humor.
Her support made it possible to make it through the difficult stuff and come out smiling.

Am I "over it"? No. I will never be "over" the events of last two years. They have marked me in an indelible way. Changed some basic part of who I am and how I see the world.
So be it.
But if I allow these difficulties to diminish my joy there is nothing worth fighting for, nothing important enough to be worth this work.
And I know that is not true.

So that brings me to the jewelry.
I have been thinking about ordering a class ring. I wasn't interested in high school, and neither of my BA's made me want to commemorate the event... but I have worked really hard (in the middle of the ongoing shitstorm) and getting my Master's degree is really important to me. I have been looking at "traditional" class rings, but I also considered just buying a really nice ring as a "graduation present" to myself.
I have also been considering the benefits of wearing an ambiguous ring on my left hand...

Knitting!

So every time my BFFF Sally goes out of town I check in on her kitties and feed them and love on them, and every time she comes home she brings me fabulous yarn and other prizes. This time the yarn was Misti Alpaca. It is the softest yarn in the entire world and it is destined to quickly become a scarf for me.

Bean touched it last night and then I practically had to wrestle it from her.
"Knit," I told her, "knit and finish something and you can have lovely, softy yarn too!"

Sally also came to Bean's first choir concert last night. Bean's dad was supposed to go, but when he found out that her part of it wouldn't start until 7:30 he - brace yourself - decided that was too long for him to have to wait around so he didn't go.

Seriously.

So I emailed him pics today and we got into an email conversation about picking up and dropping off and weekends and stuff. She doesn't have school next Friday or the following Monday and I asked if they could take her for the long weekend. He suddenly became a Magic 8 Ball... "Unclear, ask again later."

Jackass. Assclown. Jackassclown.

I am also making great progress on the Ernie sweater for my brother. The arms are finished

and I have started on the body of it. Except for the eleventy billion ends I will have to weave in I am loving this sweater. It's great fun.

I love that it's Friday... I have book club tonight and then tomorrow is work, lunch, massage, knitting, knitting, knitting, knitting, knitting, movie, bed.
Saturdays are my favorite.

Distraction (redux)

I sat in the Social Security office for an hour and a half today.
The black and white details of the last four years of my life spread out end to end.
It is clear from the series of facts and numbers that I am a fool. That every emotional detail is meaningless and led me in the way wrong direction.

More pretty pictures for distracion:

Distraction...

So yesterday marks 6 months since Jeff died. I'm fine. Bean is fine. Everything is fine.

Um... let's look at pretty pictures.
These are all pictures from our fabulous weekend. I think That Bad, Bad Man took most of these.