Control Freak

There is just too much stuff rattling around in my head... and not all of it is bad. I'm in that weird place where everything has found a groove and is just rolling right along - which usually means there is disaster just around the corner. I am working on enjoying the ride without making myself crazy with anticipatory angst. (That is not as easy as it sounds, by the way, and if you think it is you are totally reading the wrong girl's blog).

I talked to my therapist about the crazy-crazy from earlier in the week and he basically said, "Look, you can't control this and you wouldn't want to even if you could so just relax."
God love him.
So I said, "How do I do that?"
And he smiled that therapy smile (which we all practice in the mirror, in case you were wondering) so I said, "Listen, buddy, don't use that therapy smile on me. If I have to work so do you."
So he said, "Well, what would you tell a client in this situation."
Bastard.

I did finally get some suggestions from him, one of which I will share. Because I am good like that.

When there is a situation in which I feel anxiety because I have no control I am supposed to take a step back and make a list of the reasons why my lack of control is better than if I were in charge.

So much of my relationship with Bartleby revolved around him making everything my responsibility that I was in charge of and responsible for his every mood and feeling... and I hated him for it. I wanted him to act autonomously and get through his crap without my having to convince him to do it.
I wanted him to be a grown-up. (I know, what was I thinking?!?)
But because he wasn't, and because he didn't ever take responsibility for his own life that meant I could distance myself from him emotionally which meant I didn't have to take him seriously or have real feelings for him.

So it was emotionally convenient for me to be in control because then I could also be in control of my emotions.

And those rules no longer apply.
And he's right, I totally don't want control of anyone else but me... and I'm not sure if I even want that some days.