Rediscovering Affection

For a knitter, I'm really not an "accessories person."

Hats never look right on me... and before all of you hat lovers protest just let me say that I have, indeed, tried several styles and models. It's just not for me. Even a simple stocking cap makes me look, just, weird.
Not to mention the weird "top of my head" sensitivity that makes most hats uncomfortable.

Gloves bother me too - I hate that clumsy, muffled feel of my hands inside them.

Scarves just get in my way.

I have been known to be without a hat, scarf or mittens on even the coldest days. It's just so much bother. And it's just more crap that I have to keep track of while I'm out.

It's not that I don't like scarves and hats and mittens, I just don't feel like they are vital to my day.

My fabulous SP13 swap pal made the whole fingerless gloves thing happen for me - 3 pairs!! I love them and wear them almost every day...

I have made That Scarf... more than one... and they have been given away. Despite how much I love That Scarf, I just can't seem to want one once I'm finished. But there are four scarves that I really want now... There's Halcyon and Branching Out... Then of course the Uncle Argyle scarf and Jeanie which I know is not technically a scarf. But I want it anyway.

With the cold snap that we've had over the last few days I have been putting my clapotis over my head like a hood and then wrap it around my neck. It's warm and soft and lovely... the perfect mix of necessary scarf for the cold and security blankie for the comfort.

But I would like some more variety.

So I need to finish up some projects soon so that I cna raid the stash and cast on for a scarf or two!

Oy

My final semester has officially begun. Right now I'm completely on schedule, what with the semester only about 24 hours old.
I am trying (rather unsuccessfully) to just relax and take things one day at a time, but there are some pretty big events on my horizon. My professors seem to have a plan, and as long as I can follow it (and not get behind) this semester should flow along nicely.
But from here, their careful plan looks scary - stepping stones set too far apart in piranha-infested waters. A rope-bridge over the grand canyon. Wearing a white silk blouse in a room full of finger-painting three-year-olds. A room full of any kind of three-year-olds. You know, scary and dangerous stuff!
I am responding the way I usually do: sleeping at inappropriate times and then not sleeping at night, eating senseless food, headaches, emotional withdrawal.
Bean is home sick today and I really just want to pack up and go home to crawl in bed with her. Amd I probably will... but I'm making myself stay here another hour. One more hour won't kill me.
I'm going to make some soup tonight, and even though I am running out of clean dishes I'm probably not going to do much else.
This lack of energy is troublesome, and might be indicative of a larger issue (I'll take depression for $400 please, Alex) but who has time to deal with depression when I have pages and pages and pages to read and a thesis-type research project to start and a licensing exam to study for!
Just writing that made me incredibly sleepy... it's a good thing this is my last semester, otherwise I might be in danger of becoming narcoleptic.

*blink, blink* *rub, rub*

OK. I'm out from under my rock.
Sort of.

I have been sleeping a lot, and spending time with Bean and the kitties. We met some out-of-town friends at HuHot and we saw Bride Wars with some other friends... it's been fairly low key and nice.
That Bad, Bad Man came over Monday and made dinner and the three of us played dice (and I WON! Twice!! I never ever win).
Andie came over last night and I made chicken enchiladas and we watched Lost.

It is going to be really difficult to go back to my real life on Monday, I'm so spoiled by this quiet.

I haven't been reading much and I haven't been knitting much... Even Monday when Bean had a doctor's appointment! We had to wait almost 40 minutes and neither of us had a book or knitting. We just sat around and talked and made fun of each other.

Part of it is that I am having difficulty concentrating. I find that I really get more done when I have more to do... and when I have nothing to do that's exactly what is accomplished. So Monday will provide some much-needed structure.

Part of it is that I have been in a funk, but the clouds seem to be lifting a bit. Things have been really normal and boring, just the way we like it. Not feeling like I have to be battle ready every second of the day is new for me, and I'm starting to trust it more. Waiting for the next crisis to emerge is exhausting, so "normal" and "boring" are my new favorite things.

Ugh

I didn't get enough sleep last night (or the night before) so I'm feeling really groggy and icky this morning. I am looking forward to this week - since I'm apparently still on vacation I plan to spend a lot of time in bed. I was trying to get in some hours at the Vet Center and yesterday my boss sent me home and said not to come back until classes start. Since all I seem to want to do is sleep I was in my car before the words were completely out of his mouth.

On a related note, my anxiety levels are up... seems like any small change in the atmosphere makes me want to retreat. I have plans today and tomorrow, but I'd really like to just cancel the next two weeks entirely and hide from everything.

But I won't.

I'm hoping that this is just a fatigue-induced funk. I'm hoping that I will bounce right back and not have to fake my happy for longer than the next few days... but I am scared that this is just the beginning of another cycle of depression. I have so much to do stretching out ahead of me and all I want to do is just stop. I don't have time (or patience) for this.

Moving right along...
I ordered Girl Scout Cookies from a friend who lives in Kansas City and they are delivering this weekend so I will have cookies before the rest of my friends. Ha! (Don't worry, Jackie, I'll still be ordering from S!!) I love GS cookies, thin Mints and Shortbreads are my favorites. Can't go wrong with the classics.

On an entirely unrelated topic, the swimming suit I ordered from Zappos is going right back. Yikes. Wow. So my decision to join the YMCA couldn't come at a better time. And hopefully the exercise will do something about the encroaching depression.

Ugh.

Shoe Emergency and Happy

Last night there was a miracle at my house.

All three kitties were asleep on the bed with me. And Scout was actually sleeping ON Sammie. And she let him. She growled a little at first but he just kept sleeping and she finally stopped.
It didn't last long, but I think they're all finally starting to settle down a little bit.


Last night I finished Comfort Food by Kate Jacobs(6). It was pretty good - a little fluffy, but a nice story. And it made me hungry.

Today I'm starting Sing Them Home even though I should be reading The Hemmingses of Monticello as that is the next Literary Feast book and we are halfway throught the month.

I have also decided to join the YMCA again. I took a real look at my schedule and my energy levels and decided that with a little bit of effort I could actually get to the gym at least three times a week. Bean and I both need to be more active and Sally and Andie have been going a lot. I miss hanging out with them and I totally admire their dedication.

Then I realized that the only swimming suit I had was at my parents' house and that it didn't fit very well so I went online and found one from Zappos. They were offering free overnight delivery so I thought, "Why not?" and had it shipped to the radio station (where there is someone to sign for deliveries).
Kerri said the UPS guy was a little freaked out by it. "Why," he asked, "would you need shoes delivered overnight?" Was it a shoe emergency? Was there some kind of problem?
Nope. Just free shipping and an impatient girl.

I am super sleepy today. I was a little on edge by the time I went to bed last night - I kept catching myslef clenching my jaw - so I took a Xanax in addition to all of my evening meds. I should have taken a half. For awhile I was taking them pretty much all the time to keep myself level, but since my anxiety levels have dropped recently I haven't taken one in awhile. (Nope, not even on the plane!) So a whole one was a lot. I have the carryover and I just want to curl up under my desk and take a nap. Or go home early.

Of course, if I did go home early it would just be to play the Wii. I love that thing. I'm so glad that we bought it. And I just odered a couple more games. One of them is like Nintendogs... but with monkeys instead! (I know, right??) I also ordered a Sims 2 game.

I used to love to play video games... but when things got bad at home I just holed up in my room with knitting and books and stopped playing. The video game stuff is in the den and I just didn't want to be in there anymore. It amazes me how much of my life was negated by his presence. How much of my happiness I gave up.

Now I am able to play when I have time and Bean can play with me... we have started doing that when there isn't anything good on television and it's so much more fun. We even have a game that has Bogggle and Connect Four and Sorry and Yahtzee... only you don't have to clean up afterwards and the Wii keeps score. Bonus!!

So apparently I'm happy. Weird.

Mmmmm.... Donuts.....

I started (and finished) Nick Hornby's newest book Slam(5) last night. I really like Nick Hornby and I really like it when they make movies of his books (About a Boy and High Fidelity).
Yes, I'm reading a lot. But my semester officially starts soon and there will be NO TIME to read or breathe or knit. I will probably find time for eating and sleeping... and maybe squeeze in some sex here and there... but I have a huge research project, PLUS the licensing exam, PLUS three classes (my usual class load is two) PLUS my internship at the Vet Center. I'm not letting myself feel anxious about it really, I'm just keeping myself busy until the semester starts and I'm going to run like hell through the nest sixteen weeks.
I can do this.

I'm at the vet Center today... pretty quiet, though I did spend two hours interacting with a client's two children (2 and 4) while he met with a counselor... babysitting, really, but if I write up a progress note and put it in his file it counts as a session with the kids. And the 4-year-old was very talkative. We took turns being "the mommy" and then we all had a snack and watched Calliou. When Bean was a baby I hated Calliou. Insipid, whiny little Canadian. But now he's apparently grown on me. Maybe it's because I don't have to watch it everyday anymore.

My new bed is really fabulous. I sunk in and slept like a baby... but the drawback to not having a bed that wakes you every hour is that when you wake up the first time there aren't hours and hours of sleep stretching ahead of you. You wake up and have to get out of bed right away and find clothes. I'm not really complaining about the new bed. I love it. I have a new down blanket, too. And three cats. It's cozy at my house - and just in time, too apparently. It's cold out there these days. Like it's winter or something. Weird.

I spent a lot of time today making up a list of meals and snacks for the next two weeks. That was WAY harder than I thought it would be. Then I used that list to make a grocery list. I put the grocery list in my phone and I am ready to rock as soon as I'm done working for the day. Can I keep this up? Who knows. But entering this new season of busy will be much smoother and easier if I'm not trying to figure out what is for dinner every night after I'm already too tired to do much more than call Knollas for delivery.

You wouldn't think planning meals for two people for two weeks would be such a challenge... especially as we like more or less the same things and the only food allergy is kiwi. Planning food without kiwi is inherently easier than planning food without, say, wheat or dairy. But it was really hard!

I didn't plan meals for Wednesdays (knit night at my house) or Fridays and Saturdays (when Bean will be with her dad) assuming that those nights would either be sandwich/leftovers nights or that I would be out for dinner. Mondays I have class, so those meals either need to be Crock Pot dinners or something that Bean can throw together when I'm on my way home, which leaves Tuesday and Thursday as days I can actually take a minute and cook something. Except that we are renewing our YMCA membership and those will probably be workout nights...

See?!? I live a live that is not at all conducive to cooking. Not even with careful planning. I will make it work, though, because I do LIKE cooking and I like my new pots and pans and I like the health and economical aspects of it. With a little organization I think we can pull this off. I'm thinking I'll do my shopping by this weekend so that we can start next week.

Meanwhile, Bean and I are eating out a lot... but there were several places we haven't been in a long time and there are some new places we wanted to try.
We went to HuHot last night... I'm officially hooked. Yum-o. Bean's sauce was really salty, but I mixed the teriyaki and peanut sauces and it was great.
Then we decided to try The Donut Whole again (the first time we went was their opening day and they were, um, out of donuts). This time we were able to get donuts and coffee (decaf, it was after 9) and then we went home. Seriously. Good. Donuts. And Spice Merchant coffee. So scoot! Get some. And bring me back something with chocolate on it.

Hi Monday!

We got back from North Carolina last night. What a great trip!! My cousin is fabulous and I love her house and her family. Bean and I felt very welcome and restful. Which is to say we slept for most of our visit. Slept and played with the babies and ate and then slept some more.

Pretty damn good way to spend a vacation if you ask me.

Also, I read. I finished The Book of Unholy Mischief by Elle Newmark (4).
And I knitted... GreenJeans just needs sleeves and a button band.

On Saturday we ventured out and went to Trader Joe's (Dear Trader Joe's, please move here!! PLEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!) and to a bead shop and then to a yarn shop that was in a big old creaky house. And it was disorganized and cramped and nothing was marked and nothing was in any sort of order. It was like Twist had a nightmare.
I stopped just short of clicking my heels together.

Of course, I still bought some yarn... and since nothing was marked I didn't know how much I'd spent until I was checking out. (Colinette Firecracker? Expensive. Veeeeeery expensive).

Oh well. Vacation!!

OK. Now that I'm back from my vacation I can get to work on my plan to spend less money.

Stop laughing.
I can do this.

Step 1: Fix. (No, really!)
A-hem.
Step 1: Track my spending.

I've been pretty good so far today... but then I've only been out of the house for about an hour. My bed was delivered today so I spent the WHOLEENTIREDAY waiting for the guy to bring it. It's so TALL!! I can't wait until it's time to go home so I can sleep!!

Postcard

I finished Free Range Knitter(2) and Marley and Me(3).
Here's a useful tip: don't read books on a plane that end with a dog dying. Just don't.

We are in North Carolina having a very nice vacation... the babies (2 and 5) are charming and we are right at home. So far we haven't done anything but eat, sleep, read and play with Play Doh, and that's just how we like it.

There was a lot of turbulence on the flight from Detroit to Raleigh and I was a little sick-ish but that cleared up as soon as we landed.

Also? The Detroit airport? Really cool.

Knit on, knitters!

Bloggy Stuff and Kitties

I am borrowing a bloggy thing from a bloggy friend. Knitted and Purled keeps track of the books she reads... and this year I'm going to do the same. (I know you're all waiting with baited breath to see what I'll be reading. Really, the tension is palpable). Ok, so the first book of the year is The Day I Ate Whatever I Wanted: And Other Small Acts of Liberation by Elizabeth Berg(1).
This book was so good and so easy to slip into... I recognized the characters right away and wanted to buy a copy for every woman I know.
So half of you need to buy it, read it, fall in love with it and then pass it on. I'm giving my copy to The Fabulous Michelle to thank her for taking care of my kitties while I'm in North Carolina.

Speaking of North Carolina, I'm totally packed. I know, right? We don't leave for like, ten more hours and I am packed and ready. I was feeling a little anxious about the knitting I was taking. Or actually, about the knitting I wasn't taking. I have my Greenjeans sweater, sock yarn and needles in my suitcase and my mom's sweater in my carry-on. And extra yarn for that sweater in my suitcase. But really? That didn't feel like enough. I tried to resist it. I did. But then I got about halfway through Free Range Knitter and realized that I had WAAAAAY underpacked and needed That Scarf in my carry-on and yarn for That Scarf the Third in my suitcase.

I know that I will not finish all of that in the time I am gone. Not even if my plane gets stuck in a snowdrift. And I know that there are, in fact, knitting stores in and around Raleigh. (I, um, sort of Googled it just in case we might be near one). But now that I have "enough" knitting for the trip and any contingencies (like, even if I go temporarily blind That Scarf the Second and Third would still work) I feel a little more at ease.

The kitties are, however, not at ease. The older ones know what the sudden apparition of black suitcases mean (besides more stuff to sit/shed on). The little one has noticed a shift in the focus of the other cats. They are now very clingy and seem intent on holding us down.

I was so worried that Sheldon would have to be renamed That Bad Bad Kitteh because all he wanted to do is keep me awake and bite and fight. But apparently all hope is not lost because Sheldon is becoming domesticated. Crazy little fucker. Sally set things in motion by buying the cats a feather on a pole in an effort to redirect Sheldon's need to attack away from my poor hands and feet and also to tire him out. Once the older cats saw that he was interested in the same thing they were interested in and that he behaved the same way they did I think they figured out that he was actually a cat.

Today I watched for hours (yes, I know how pathetic that sounds) while Sheldon and Sammie chased each other around. Then Sammie hid in the kitty tent and Sheldon kept trying to break in and get her. Serena sulked around and hissed if Sheldon got too close, but we can't expect miracles overnight.

Right now, Bean is asleep next to me with Serena sleeping on a pillow next to her and Sheldon curled around her arm.

'Night y'all.

Poking around

I keep thinking that there must be something exciting to write about... but so far there's nothing. It's been a really quiet few days.
I enjoy unexciting and quiet.

I have been sort of down, I wouldn't say that I am depressed... just a little low these days. Partially holiday letdown, I'm sure, but also I have been thinking about Jeff. I think the anger is gone and now all there is left is the sad. I'm sad about everything that we were supposed to have.
I know this will pass, it's all just part of the process.

I have been too reliant on other people to "make me feel better," using food and shopping and sex as ways around feeling bad. Sometimes it's important to just feel bad. Sort of like when you eat something bad it's better to just let your body, um, get rid of it rather than trying to treat the symptoms. So now that it all happened "last year," rather than trying to feel better I'm trying to move past the survivor stage and start living a life that I love again. Time to actually get better.

In the interest of self-care and realignment I went to Bohemia yesterday for acupuncture and massage. When I sat down for the consultation she said, "What's going on?
ans I started crying. So apparently? A lot.

Everyone should get acupuncture.

It wasn't at all painful, but it was emotionally cleansing and intense. Physically I have been in denial of some of my pain issues. Emotionally I was not in denial, but I needed a release. And I got it. Or at least the start of it.

After my session I felt, well, high. I went to Twist to get my senses back, then to Caffe Moderne for dinner. Then I went home and slept for almost seventeen hours. It was lovely.

Fine in '09

Really? It's just a Thursday. Thursdays happen all the time.
But now I can say, "My husband died last year."
I can say, "Wow, last year was tough but this year has been so much better."
Putting everything in terms of "Last Year" has been very important to me. Necessary, I thought, to my mental health.
But really? It's just a Thursday.

I have been thinking about him a lot. About Jeff, not Bartleby. For a long time I couldn't find any memories that made me feel good at all. Everything was tinged with his alcoholism and the signs I missed. Everything was reinforcement that I had made a series of terrible missteps.

That is changing slowly. My anger made me numb, my sad made me feel hopeless, the people who love me made me feel hopeful again.

But there are always things you miss... or intentionally overlook because you hope (oh you hope) that things will get better. That the fantasy of a good life will become an actuality. That you will be reason enough for someone to make good decisions. That you are worth that kind of love.

No resolutions this year. No promises.
I know I will not get over the events of last year, or the things that led to those events. I will get past it, I will get through it, I will work around it. But 2008 has marked me, as painfully and indelibly as my tattoo.

This year I hope for forward motion. For me, for Bean, for the relationships that have sustained me and kept me whole.
This year I just hope for peace - in whatever amounts it can be offered.