Fine in '09

Really? It's just a Thursday. Thursdays happen all the time.
But now I can say, "My husband died last year."
I can say, "Wow, last year was tough but this year has been so much better."
Putting everything in terms of "Last Year" has been very important to me. Necessary, I thought, to my mental health.
But really? It's just a Thursday.

I have been thinking about him a lot. About Jeff, not Bartleby. For a long time I couldn't find any memories that made me feel good at all. Everything was tinged with his alcoholism and the signs I missed. Everything was reinforcement that I had made a series of terrible missteps.

That is changing slowly. My anger made me numb, my sad made me feel hopeless, the people who love me made me feel hopeful again.

But there are always things you miss... or intentionally overlook because you hope (oh you hope) that things will get better. That the fantasy of a good life will become an actuality. That you will be reason enough for someone to make good decisions. That you are worth that kind of love.

No resolutions this year. No promises.
I know I will not get over the events of last year, or the things that led to those events. I will get past it, I will get through it, I will work around it. But 2008 has marked me, as painfully and indelibly as my tattoo.

This year I hope for forward motion. For me, for Bean, for the relationships that have sustained me and kept me whole.
This year I just hope for peace - in whatever amounts it can be offered.