Potpourri for $200, Alex

According to this test I am a socialist. That's ok, right? And also sort of expected... you know, the whole social worker thing.
Sure, I'm a socialist.
I am not going to comment on last night's debate... I didn't see it. I saw about 3 minutes of the Fox coverage (and then realized that I was watching Fox and turned it to PBS). Then I watched the PBS coverage for about ten minutes and turned off the television. From the NPR coverage this morning it sounds like they both did well.
Yay.

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I am going to comment on the bail-out.
Fuck that. That is what I think. Fuck it.
It's one thing when I am irresponsible with my money. It's another thing entirely when the people who are IN CHARGE OF THE MONEY fuck it up. And nobody is standing around wanting to bail my happy ass out.
Why not take the money and pay 2 months of any mortgage that is less than, say, $2000 a month? I would say thanks, struggle a little less for a couple of months, and the mortgage company would get paid what it's owed and not a bonus for being an ass.
I'm just saying.

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Sally and I are meeting for lunch today (as has become our custom). I enjoy my Saturday routine, and last week when I missed it I felt disappointed... even though I had a great weekend and did lots of fun stuff with Bean and my family (and Sally, as a matter of fact). But lunch with Sally and knitting at Twist have become important to my mental health.

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So I saw my therapist again yesterday, and it went well. He is encouraging and validating. He said it sounds like I have a lot of really supportive friends. I totally agree.
He is not, however, concerned with the time I spend hiding in bed. He thinks that I need to find time to allow myself to break down, and that the people around me need to be patient with that. As long as the staying in bed all day is a choice and not interfering with my responsibilities in a negative way. At the same time, he was happy to hear that last week I chose Twist over bed on Thursday.
So I'm glad I went back.
After the appointment I was exhausted. There is a huge disconnect between the things I know to be true in my head, and the things I feel are true. When talking about Bartleby I can not say "It's not my fault he died" without crying. I know it's not my fault, but I feel like it is.

I went home and slept...

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That Bad, Bad Man cooked for me last night. I just looooooooove having a man cooking in my kitchen. Love it. And comfort food even: chicken fried rice. Yum-o.

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I'm going to forgive the YMCA for giving financial information to the idiot step-mother. One person made one stupid mistake... And I think I'm actually poor enough to get a reduced rate. And I really need to do something about the size of my ass before it starts demanding a salary.

Thursday Already?!?

It's been quite an unremarkable week. Thank God.

Class, napping, reading, knitting, Fringe, Project Runway, Top Design, How I Met Your Mother... This is my favorite TV time of the year.
(An aside to the Project Runway fans: Blaine was sent home?!? What the HELL??? Have these people been paying attention to Kenley and her nonsense? And WHY is she SUCH a brat?!?)

I have finished an entire sleeve of the Ernie sweater... and started the next one. There are eleventy billion ends to sew in on just one sleeve. I love my brother.

Bean and I went to Lara's house last night for knitting and talking. I love spending time with Lara. She's so funny and no-nonsense. We share a sort of "If you don't like it then fix it" outlook... I dig that. Her two younger kids stayed in the living room with us, slipping knock-knock jokes into our conversation.

Bean and I went home and then, of course, she remembered that she had homework. After about 30 minutes she came into the bedroom looking like she was about to cry. Since moving up to the advanced math class she has struggled a little (yay!!). She has asked for help with her math almost every night this week... and it's the first time EVER that she has needed help with any kind of homework. Last night she said, "Maybe I shouldn't have moved to this class. It's too hard."
(I hate "It's too hard." Hate it).
I said, "It's not that it's too hard, it's that you're finally being asked to learn something you don't already know. That's not hard, that's learning."

What she has learned over the years that she can zone out in class and still get it because they're going slow and she can absorb all she needs from the answers to other kid's questions. (Ask me how I know this).

Now she's in a class where she can't do that. Finally. Thank God.
It's not that I want her to feel like she's struggling uphill the whole way, but when we were going through it together and she started to understand what she needed to do - she felt so good about it because she did have to really work. The payoff was better... and also every time she got something right I gave her a gummy bear. It was like potty training only with algebra.

It's also good for her to learn when to ask for help, and to know what kind of help to expect. I'm certainly not going to do it for her, but I will help her break the problems down into manageable bits.

Today I slept in a bit - though I sort of wish I hadn't.
The dream I had after Bean left for school was weird and not in a good way. In part of it I was packing for a trip, Las Vegas or Canada depending on what else was going on in the dream at the time... and I kept getting phone calls about people I know being sick or hospitalized and I kept trying to decide if I should cancel my trip. Then at some point I was on a plane with my mom and The Fabulous Michelle and I didn't have my ticket. That Bad, Bad Man was supposed to be coming with us and he had our tickets. I don't know how I got on the plane without mine, but I was afraid that he wouldn't show up and I would get in trouble for not having it.

Yes, I see those raised eyebrows. I know, ok?

Whatever.

What a Weekend

Bean's birthday party was a screaming success.
Literally.
Screaming.
At 2 in the morning.

But a grand time was had by all. I can not believe that I am old enough to be the mother of a 12-year-old. Yikes.

Sunday the girls slept until about 11 and then I went to Taco Shop (Taco Shop!) and brought home a bag of tacos. They descended on the bag like gremlins on a bucket of chicken. It was a little frightening.
We were going to go home and lounge around and make chicken soup for ourselves but mom convinced me to stay there and cook for the family. So Bean and I napped while mom and dad went golfing and then around 5 I started cooking. By the time they got home the whole house smelled good and my brother and his girlfriend were hovering around the kitchen.
I made cheddar biscuits to go with the soup and we all sat around the small kitchen table eating soup and watching The Simpsons.
It was a good night.

And also... I might get a room mate. My brother's girlfriend needs a place to live - and I just love her so much. She was the one who was picking Bean up after school last year when I had evening classes and didn't want Bean and Bartleby to be alone together for that long. AND I had a knitting catalog with me and she kept looking through it. (Heh heh heh - I think I only need two more knitting converts before I get my toaster oven!!) AND she cleans. CLEANS!!!
So we might hold off on the conversion of the den into my girlie crafty room and let it become Amber's room for a while.

My brother asked how I felt about Amber's dog... and it had occurred to me that getting Amber means getting Haydrun as well. And I decided that it would be a great way to get my brother to fix my fence issues for free. And I told him so.

Having Amber in the house means more than just an extra person (who cleans!!) in the house. I think that it will also help me be more accountable. Not like she's going to be reporting back to anyone that I (as a purely hypothetical example) eat a whole bag of oreos in bed at 6 in the evening or anything, but just having another adult in the house (who cleans!!) will make me more conscious about the structure of things. And while she is 21, she has been through some shit in her life and I think her positive attitude and outlook will be a good influence on Bean and I. And we will be helping her too.

And she would be spending about half of her week at my brother's house anyway.

I hope she decides to stay with us. Even though it means that I will have to do some SERIOUS pre-cleaning and reorganizing. It will be good for me.

Oh Bean.

I just looked at the clock - 7:51 am.
Almost exactly 12 years ago Bean was born. It was a scheduled c-section, so the whole thing took about an hour, and as it turns out that was the most life-changing hour of my life.
She emerged at 7:58, beautiful and serene.

She was a quiet baby, serious and determined, but also quick to laugh. She slept an astonishing amount, and we would curl up together in the afternoons and just doze. She taught me the value of a good nap.

This last year has been so amazingly difficult for both of us, and she has come through it with grace and humor and sweetness.
I feel guilty for all of the sadness. Not just now, but also before he died. He was never as harsh with her as he was with me, but the change from Jeff to Bartleby was really difficult for her. I wish I could erase all of that from her life. I wish I could erase the times she has seen me cry; the times she has seen me stay in bed. I wish I could be better for her.

She says, "Duh, Mom, your husband died. I would freak out if you weren't sad sometimes."
She says, "Dude, I love that I can take care of you when you don't feel good."
She says, "Can I snuggle with you?"

I love that she still wants to snuggle with me.
I love that she looks at the last year and can still stay optimistic.
I love that even though she was home with me that scary weekend when I was really really depressed she took it all in stride and had a contingency plan.

She is silly and funny and sarcastic... she is also smart and empathetic and caring.
She is also lazy, in the same way that I am lazy. Which is to say there are so many better things to do than housework. We are working on getting better about that together.

I worried that I wasn't teaching her the right sorts of things. I worried that she was taking the wrong life lessons away from the things we have gone through together. When I have said this to her she has replied:
"Mom, you have shown me that you can make a mistake and it's never too late to fix it."
"I learned that we can get through anything with good friends around us."
"Just keep knitting, just keep knitting, just keep knitting."

Happy birthday Bean. You are the reason I keep moving forward.

Check Please?

This is turning into one of those long posts.
Sorry!!

Do you ever have dreams that are so basic and straightforward that Freud's cat could interpret them?
I had a dream last night that I ran into a boy I went to high school with - someone I also had a brief and ill-advised (but really fun) fling with in college.
OK. So cute boy from the past. (Check).
In the dream he had red hair. In real life he had dark hair but his sister had red hair. Also? Bartleby had red hair. In high school. Where we met. (Check).
In the dream I run into him in a restaurant and he is beautiful and we do the "Oh my god I haven't seen you in years!" things that you do... the hugging and the laughing and the hair-tossing. I saw him about 4 years ago - he came in to the station to make a pledge and it was more or less just like that. Slight reconnection: wow he looks great, wish I had worn something that made me look 100 pounds lighter and also younger. Holy crap! Now he's a yoga instructor? That's hot. (Check).
Within the scope of the dream we were suddenly in love and he was just as suddenly sick. (Check).
And he was getting visibly more sick through the dream. (Check).
In the dream I panicked and tried to figure out how to get out of the relationship (you know, the one that had suddenly sprung up between us over dinner).

And, check.

Wow. Wonder where that came from? Hmmmmmm. That one is mysterious.
It's like my subconscious isn't even trying anymore. Just phoning it in.
Whatever.

Andie and I had two really intense conversations last night - one of which was about me and my apparent denial and "brave face". I don't think my face has been all that brave. I think my face has looked a lot like this:

She asserts that even when I stand here and say, "Hi, this week is really hard and I am not doing very well," that I am still being brave about it and making "it" smaller than it really is.
I have been very close to not functional this week. Scary close. And nothing at all feels brave about admitting that. Nothing.
Brave and strong is not getting that close to "not functional" in the first place.
You will all be pleased to know that I am reconsidering my no therapist stance. It won't be the same guy I saw last time - he tried, but getting through my redirection (and other defenses) is more than I think he can do. Example: he would ask me something about Bartleby and I would say, "Well, you're married. How do you think your wife feels about that topic?" And sometimes he would answer. And then figure out that I had shifted the conversation yet again to something harmless.
It's like trying to kill the assassin that went through training with you.

The truth is that I am tired of being blindsided by the dead husband.
I am tired of the process and I really haven't even started. This is going to take years and that pisses me off. A lot.
Who is he to stick around in my psyche? Who is he to cause this kind of trauma? Who the fuck does he think he is?!?

You know, I asked him that question in a not at all quiet voice several times while he was alive. The answer comes now... he is the thing I can not pretend to get past. He is the vehicle of my reckoning. I can't go over it, can't go around it, gotta go through it.
Fucker.

Oh, and Michelle and Em? The guy from high school? Jake M. And yes, he is now in fact a yoga instructor. (I know, right?!?)

Getting Better

I am feeling better.
Sort of.
I got out of bed today, and even took a shower. I took care of grandma and then went to the Vet Center. My supervisor took one look at me (you know, all puffy and post-migraine) and sent me home.
I didn't want to go home...
Well, more accurately, I DID want to go home. I wanted to go home and crawl back in bed and never ever get out. Ever. So I decided to go spend the day on the couches at Twist. Which is like being at home, only not so pathetic.
And with knitting.
So I sat and drank tea. And Shel and I tried a new restaurant that has BLT's with avocado. Oh yes ma'am. Avocado. Just when you thought you couldn't improve upon a sandwich that is centered around bacon... Wow.
And I saw some people I hadn't seen in a long time.
And I wasn't at home hiding and crying and eating Xanax like Pez.

I know this last week has been worrisome. I am worried too.
But I am getting better, I promise. And I appreciate so much the concern and love that my friends have shown.

Bartleby revisited

I heard from the coroner's office yesterday... he didn't overdose on anything. It was just the pancreatitis. He didn't do it on purpose. I am releived - I never thought he killed himself, but his mother kept telling people that's what happened. I think that made it easier for her to blame me.
At least there is a clear answer.
I am shocked at the effect this has had on me. I was just talking to a friend and said how much better I am doing now. Today I feel like I am right back there at the beginning.
Broken.
Then I got home and there was a letter addressed to him from the last place he worked. Apparently he never picked up his last check. (It's nothing to get excited about - about sweater's worth of Eco Wool, some socks and lunch at La Galette). Anyway, they wanted him to call and claim it... which isn't going to happen, so I called and left a message for them to call me. In the message I told them there was a comlplication... surely there is solution to this that will include me buying a sweater's worth of Eco Wool, some sock yarn and lunch at La Galette.

Am I ever going to be OK?
Not even great or fabulous or wonderful.
Just consistently and completely OK.

Migraine

So last night I had the worst migraine I've ever had.
And that's an accomplishment.
I had a headache most of the afternoon - I just thought it was because I didn't eat lunch. I got home and made a quick (but way yummy) dinner (pork chops, stuffing and green beans) and then Bean and I watched some TV and talked and I knitted.
Normal night... well, except for the part about me coking dinner. Otherwise it was normal.
But my headache didn't get better with food. It just kept gettting worse and worse. It was behind my right eye. Then it was inside my right eye. Then it became my right eye. I couldn't knit and sitting up made me woozy so I went to bed. Bean came in and we watched The Women on TCM.
I spent most of it on my back with ice on my forehead. Dizzy and nauseated. I took 4 ibuprofen and a dose of my migraine meds. An hour later the pain was my eye and wrapping around my ear.
I took another dose of meds. Usually that's enough to knock me into the next month. About an hour after that the pain was my eye and it wrapped around my ear and through the back of my neck. At that point I took a Xanax and got into the shower (in the dark). I sat there with the hottest water I could stand pouring onto me and I cried and cried.
There is something about pain - especially when you don't know where it's going to peak - that renders you frightened and hopeless. I started out thinking I was going to die and ended up wishing I would.
Bean was (naturally) an amazing caretaker. She brought me water and patted my hand and while I was in the shower she made me hot cocoa.
I love that kid.
She also ran some laundry and took out the trash.
See? Everyone needs a Bean. (She's mine, get your own).
Something in the combination of drugs (and more drugs and more drugs) and the hot water finally loosened the pain and I was able to sleep.
I am amazed today that I don't hurt wore than I do. There is a little migraine residue threatening on the edges, but I'm not sick like last night.
I got up this morning and took care of grandma and then came to the Vet Center. I will not be here all day, but I wanted to make an appearance. It's funny - every time I do anything more than just sit here there is a little mommy voice in my head that says, "Is that how we treat ourselves after such a migraine? Let's not push it today."
So I will be quiet today, and I will rest. I will not put in a full day and I will make chicken soup for dinner.

Here is the recipe:

3 cups shredded chicken (I usually cook it in the crock pot, but I am forgetful today so we will be baking our chicken)
2 cups shredded carrots
2 cups chredded potatoes
1 cup diced celery
8 cups chicken broth and water
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper as needed

Boil these until the veggies are tender (doesn't take a long time since everything is so small and the chicken is already cooked.
Then remove from heat, take out the bay leaves and add 2 cups of milk and 2 cups sharp cheddar cheese.

And the try, just try, to only eat one bowl.

Responsibility

Oh I have been getting up so early!!
My mom is going out of town so I am helping out with my grandma in the mornings. She does very well on her own, but she gets tired easily... must be genetic... though she is in her mid 90's. Anyway, I went with mom a couple of times to get the routine down and now I'm on my own.
Some mornings she is up and already showered and I help her get dressed and then make her breakfast, other mornings she is still asleep and I wake her and we start her routine together.
I enjoy spending time with her like this - I rarely see her otherwise. Also she took care of me in the mornings before school all through elementary school and so there is a nice symmetry to these mornings. I was so young when my other grandmother died that I (we) missed out on the caretaker flip.
I do have some anxiety about it though... I worry that she will die and I will be the one to find her. Something I would probably worry about regardless of the dead husband, but now it's especially present. I can't admit that to anyone in my family because they would send someone else in my place. I don't want that. I think this is important for me to do; that I need to push through that spider web of anxiety and deal with the responsibilities that are on the other side.

Rain, Rain Don't Go Away!!

I was planning to make stew on Sunday, but I think I'm going to make Andie's Fabulous Soup instead. Then I can eat that all week for lunch. And Good Larry gave me some spicy basil from his garden - it's been drying all week and should be a nice addition to my soup.

And bread. Sunday I'll make some bread.
That Bad, Bad Man has a bread recipe that I haven't tried yet...

Oh it's going to smell SO good at my house on Sunday!! Of course, the weather is supposed to clear by then so it won't be a fabulous as it would have been, say, yesterday, when it only took a break from raining long enough to rain harder.

I am in the minority of people who want the rain to continue... I need to mow the yard and as long as it keeps raining I have an excuse not to.

Our Bean did not make call backs. She was very sad. It is possible that she still might be in the chorus, but she really wanted to be in the spotlight.
We talked about it and I told her to think about how much better it would feel over the next few years if she actually DID get a part - even a small one - now that she has felt this disappointment. She agreed and pointed out that she was trying out with 7th and 8th graders and she has 3 years of middle school tryouts ahead of her.
My kid is so cool. I also told her that I was proud of her for even trying out and that she should remember that there were a LOT of kids who couldn't even do that.

Poor Bean.

Sally and Andie and I went to see Burn After Reading last night. Holy cats it was funny! Brad Pitt's character is hilarious. (I think I'm finally starting to forgive him for leaving Jenn. I'm sure he will be relieved to hear that).
After the movie we went to Caffe Moderne for drinking and knitting and talking.

I love my friends.

Today I'm at work (in my pajamas) and due to an equipment malfunction I have to hang out for a few hours longer than usual. (Grrrrrrr). I also have to come in tomorrow morning for about 30 minutes. (Double grrrrrr).
But in between I will be at Twist!! Knitting and being in my pajamas and relaxing. (Yay friends!)
I was supposed to pack my lunch but I (shock of all shocks) woke up later than I planned and now I am lunch-less. Maybe the Bierock place is calling me!

But Denial is SO Much More Fun!

I knew it was coming.
I did.
I even thought about what I would do to prepare...
And then I would shop some more.

The milk and honey days of the student loan are over and once more I am left whimpering, clutching a few dollars in my fist.
I also got my first part-time paycheck last Friday.
That hurt.
So I am broke and feeling sort of anxious about it. I just have to get to November and all will be well once again. But will I ever learn to save and spend money in a moderate way?
(Probably not... and it's fun while it lasts!!)

Anyway, don't worry about me. I have my yarn stash to keep me warm!
Bean and I have been making a more concerted effort to eat at home and I have been taking my lunch to work. It's cheaper and healthier and I find that I am making much better decisions about snacking. Yay!
With this cooler, rainy weather (thanks, Ike) I am inspired to make soups and stews and all sorts of crock-pot goodness. And bread.
I am also inspired to sleep and read and knit. And sleep.

Bean tried out for the school play yesterday... and we find out today if she made call-backs or not. Fingers crossed!

Relationship Guru.

So I have a client... a walk-in this afternoon.
He has some intimacy issues and the PTSD specialist I consulted with this afternoon said that one of my goals for therapy should be to help this guy learn to trust relationships again.
Um. OK.
Sure.
Trust those relationships.
Yup.
I'm your girl for that one!
The relationship guru. That's me.

I leaned over the table and whispered, "Do I have to believe that to help him?"

Not, says the specialist, if I'm a good actor. But these guys can smell a lie like a fart in a car.

We'll see how this goes.

Wednesday

The B&B adventure was wonderful... we watched some movies and took pictures of sunflowers and sat in the hot tub until we were prune-y.
It was really hard to come back to reality.

But here I am. Between class and work and practicum I feel like I am running in a hundred different directions at once. My house is a mess and I haven't been to the grocery store and all I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep... Only 8 more months.

My head is killing me, but it's not one of my typical headaches. This is more like a cluster migraine. (Hi, please go away. I don't have time for you!)

One of the Veterans came in yesterday and spent 2 hours in our office... mostly spewing his brand of bullshit. (Narcisistic and Borderline, great fun). He would have talked all day if we'd let him. Today our supervisor told him we were busy and he couldn't come back and talk to us without an appointment so he waited until the supervisor was busy and then stormed into our office. At first he was fine, but the other student kept repeating that we had things that we were supposed to be doing and he needed an appointment. He started getting angry. That unreasonable anger that Bartleby was so good at.
We are supposed to be getting panic buttons in our office, but we don't have them yet.
The office manager came back and asked him to leave and he did, finally. The whole thing was pretty minor, all things considered, and I didn't feel like we were in immediate danger... but I was a little shaken anyway. Other than the idiot step-mother this is the first real anger I've seen in six months. (And she doesn't count. I'll take that bitch out).

So that's my week so far...

I am knitting the Ernie sweater - this time I started with the arms. Also, I am still working on my super secret project and the ever-present pink socks.

Rainy Days

This weather is my favorite. It's cool enough to need a sweater and it's rainy and dark - which makes me want to drink hot tea and knit and sleep. I should just move to Seattle and get it over with.

I was very productive yesterday! Andie gave me a to-do list at work and I got everything done!! I am a force of nature. I love this part-time stuff... and I like that on Fridays I am there all day. I can put everything off until the end of the week and then just attack the whole week at once.

Book club went well last night. There were mixed feelings about the book and mixed interpretations about the ambiguities involved. One woman did NOT like the book at all and couldn't imagine why I did - and then was surprised when I had good reasons I could back up with text. Um, Hi! I'm still an English major at heart. That is what we do.

I had such a bad headache though... all this pressure in my ears and behind my eyes. It was distracting and made it hard for me to even want to be there, so after dinner I took some ibuprofen and half a xanax. I felt a little better, but still made sure that the discussion didn't go past 9!

Then I went home and went right to bed. I was asleep before 10... but since nobody who knows me would ever think I'd be asleep that early my phone kept ringing. I hope I made sense. I haven't been asleep before midnight in a looooong time. Of course, I still overslept this morning, so I'm in my pajamas... I hope that my lunch dates don't mind! Sally and Andie and I are meeting for lunch. (Sally's home! Sally's home! Her mom and the kitties and I missed her terribly!!)

Then I'm going home to pack for my B&B adventure. We are both suffering from sinus issues... so we might just NyQuil up and sleep for two days - which is totally fine with me. It's sort of like what I would be doing at home, only with yummy breakfast and good company and no piles of clothes to step over on the way to the bathroom!

My Week...

Well hello, Friday! I missed you so much!!

And Bean, for the first time in weeks, is going to her dad's for the weekend... I love her more than anything in the world, but I feel like we've been attached at the hip! I know there will come a time when she doesn't want anything to do with me and I will miss this, but I really would just like some space! She tried to stay home tonight so she could go to the book club with me. I think she would be content to sit next to me all day, every day.
I think it's sweet in a way, but is this much attachment normal? Developmentally speaking? Is it just that we have a good relationship, or is it a residual effect of Bartleby?

Moving right along.

So book club tonight and I'm having lunch tomorrow with a friend who has been out of town. I have been "cat-sitting" for her, and also bringing in the mail. I did NOT snoop in the mail, but I did happen to notice this fabulous catalog and looked through it while Bean rolled around on the floor with the kitties. (And, S? I swear that's the ONLY thing I looked through!!) I want pretty much everything in that catalog. I want my whole life to look like that.

I just hope I feel better tomorrow than I do today. My allergies have been kicking my ass for the last week or so and a couple of days ago they started kicking my head, too. Right now there is so much pressure behind my eyes that I want to stick my head in a bucket of ice. Sinus infection, ugh. Dr. N gave me a Z-pack, so I should be feeling better any second now. (I love you, Z-pack).


I have been so busy (as evidenced by the lack of posting) but honestly there isn't anything to post. Work, school, VA, home, sleep, wash, rinse, repeat...
There has been some TV watching, mostly Bravo (did you see that Ricky Schroder's wife is on the new season of Top Design?) and Comedy Central. I have a refined television palette. Clearly. But I just LOVE to hate those little bastards on Million Dollar Listing and Project Runway is good this season (good-licious? God help me).

Last night I decided (sort of out of the blue) that I needed a Sam's Club membership... so Bean and I schlepped to Sam's and bought a new cell phone for Bean and a surprising amount of cheese. (Which is why I should never, ever, ever have a membership). But they had gouda and havarti!! Sliced!!! And also Laughing Cow wedges! And those little Baybel cheeses that are wrapped in wax.
I love cheese.
Sigh.
I really HAVE been taking my lunch to work a lot (especially on VA days) and good cheese makes a sandwich worth packing!! Or something.

Bean needed a new phone because hers fell into a glass of orange juice.
I probably would have been really pissed if I hadn't already done that.

Speaking of shopping, today I was poking around online and found something silly for that Bad, Bad Man... but I can't share until I give it to him. You never know when he's lurking around the blog. I would say that I will save it for his birthday, but you all know that I can't hold on to a gift for longer than it takes to stick a bow on it.

Well I'm off to the bookstore...

Family Fun (redux)

We're supposed to go to my parents' house this afternoon... for the youngest nephew's birthday and a Labor Day cookout. We have been talking about instituting a regular Sunday dinner - and in theory I am totally in favor - but in practice? Who knows.
My niece was over at the house last night to swim and she has NO idea who I am. Bean's step-brother was with us last night too, and she was LESS amazed that Bean had a brother that she had never met than that she had a MOM who was HER MOM'S sister.
That kind of freaks me out.

It would be nice to have one of those families where everyone gets along and we share our lives and, you know, have something in common. I just don't know if my family fits that model.

There are just too many minefields, too many misunderstandings. And then there's the filter... some of us just don't have the brain-to-mouth filter. We weren't born with it and rather than developing it over time we developed the skills to deal with the consequences.
And then we developed the ability to pretend that we weren't affected at all.
Something my mom said hit me the wrong way last night... I remind myself that she means well and probably had no idea that her comment was a direct hit... but I'm still shaken.
I laughed it off, of course, no good can come from admitting that particular exposed nerve... it was an observation on how different my life would be now if just one or two decisions had been different.
Decisions that I had no control over, by the way.
Decisions that someone else made.
Decisions that I had no control over that someone else made ten years ago.
For fuck's sake.

We all have those. Our lives are made up of a hundred million individual decisions that brought us from where we were to where we are. If one or two of ANY of those decisions were different it would alter everything around us. Basic systems theory.
Spending too much time unraveling those decisions to the "big one" and re-thinking consequences of changing our minds is pointless and enough to drive you crazy.
Bat shit crazy.
Shitstorm crazy.

So of course it made me sad. And of course it made it impossible to sleep. And of course it makes me want to not go today.

To make nice with my vacant sister and sit paired with my single uncle. Both of us bitter and lonely. Both of us irreparably damaged by marriage. Both of us just wanting to take a nap instead.