I need this on a t-shirt. Or on cards I can distribute. Or a sign for my front door that also says "Keep Out."
Maybe I should knit it into a blanket.
Maybe I should knit a blanket and crawl under it and never come back out. It's still too early to call about the car... I really hope it's not something horribly expensive. I also hope they don't say something like, "Well, ma'am, your fuel gauge is broken and you're actually just out of gas." Which is worse, broke or stupid?

I think that today my best plan of action is to just try not to break anything else.

***********************UPDATE****************************

So the Pep Boys called. Guess what's wrong with my car? Nothing.
There is some kind of switch that turns off the fuel line that is usually in the trunk. (No exploded car if you happen to get rear-ended). Apparently in my car it's on the passenger side in the front seat.
Huh.
So it's an inexpensive fix... Yay me! Let's hope the rest of the day is as happy!!

Broke and Broken

Sooooo that cool pink phone I bought on Ebay? Broken. And the Verizon service center? Unhelpful and rude. To me, you know, the customer. Apparently the "service" center no longer actually services phones. Oh, and also, the least expensive phone in the store is more than $150.
Luckily, Andie to the rescue. She just got new phones in the "new every two" plan and is lending me her old phone. The only drawback is that the only charger she has is a car charger. But I can deal, right? Our "new every two" is in November.
So instead of our usual Friday night movie we had a funeral to attend... Someone who used to work at the station. I didn't know him very well but he was a really nice guy.
After the funeral Andie and I planned to go to a later movie but my car wouldn't start. At all. My boss looked at it and Andie's husband came and looked at it.
Then the tow truck guy put it up on his big truck and we took it to a garage. It's sitting in the parking lot at the garage now, all alone and broken.
Andie's husband thinks it's the fuel pump. I think that sounds expensive.
I did manage to get my knitting bag out of the backseat, but guess what I forgot? The phone charger.
I shit you not.
And I didn't get dinner. Or a movie.
And now I have a broken car and a low-battery phone and a headache and a craving for something fried with melted cheese all over it. And maybe gravy.

(Dear Explorer: I don't know if we forgot to tell you this, but we're trying to buy a house. You know, that white one that we went to five or six times. The one with the driveway big enough for you and the other car - no more street parking!! Listen, I know you don't feel well, but we really need all of the extra cash we've saved for the house and it would be really great if you could rally a little until after the first of the year. Remember the guy at the oil change place said all of your fluids looked good? That was only a month ago!! Seriously, rest tonight and let the nice mechanics take a look and just try to be inexpensive to fix. Thanks! I'll see you tomorrow! Your faithful owner. P.S. next time we change the oil maybe we'll splurge and get a fancy brand instead of the "house" brand. Mmmmmmmm... Penzoil).

Baby Mama Drama

I had this whole long entry written about a fight I had with my sister. (Get this, she called to confront me. Seriously). I have written the beginning of this post about seven million times.
She is pissed about something someone else said I said. (Jr. high anyone?)

The truth is that I would not say (or write) anything about her that I would not say (have not said) to her face.
The truth is that I am really hurt by some of the things that she said.
The truth is that I am tired of all of the drama and I don't want to hear about any of it or know about any of it anymore.

In a nutshell, what I told her was the same thing that I have been telling her and everyone else all along. You are a grown woman. Put on your big girl pants and make decisions and choices that you can stand up for without reservation. If you honestly think that this relationship is what you want then just say that. Show anyone who thinks you're wrong that you're not. Get your shit together and stand up and walk.

Oh, and also, get over the fact that the very thing that allows you to draw your own conclusions and act on your own choices works both ways. Everyone else is allowed to make their own choices with reference to yours and you have also chosen to accept them.

It's all about free choice.

I am so fucking tired of the blame game.
I am so fucking tired of self-pity.

And I am really tired of all of the tension and drama and worry and crap that has accumulated.

Goodnight, sweethearts. It will all look better after Thursday night programming, right?

High on the Smart

Jane Hamilton is wonderful. She really is. Read all of her books right now.
I spent last evening at my favorite bookstore - Jane Hamilton was in town and read from her new novel and then the owner of the bookstore had a few people over to her house for a reception. I got to spend time with a real author. Someone who makes her living writing. Well.
The husband said I seemed giddy when I got home - he asked how many glasses of wine I had (none). He said I was just "high on the smart." I dig that.
It was interesting, one of the women at the reception told Jane that she felt like she really knew her because she had read all of Jane's books. I commented (after the woman left) that I thought that would be really strange to have so many people feeling like they knew me. I mean, I have certainly felt that way - Margaret Atwood, Alice McDermott, Elizabeth Gilbert, David Sedaris, even Jennifer Weiner... you read someone's entire published library and you do feel like you know something about them. And you don't. And you do...
In the conversation I brought up the whole strange intimacy in blogging. Jane and a few other people in the room are not at all interested in the whole blog phenomenon - which I totally understand. There is a lot of crap out there. But there are also a lot of really amazing people out there. (She more or less asked me why I'm not doing any "real" writing if I am blogging every day).
I told her about the people who I know casually, but whose blogs I read faithfully. There is this weird sense of intimacy and friendship that does not necessarily exist in our "real" lives - I know about their anxieties and fears and hopes but when I see them in those casual, social situations it's very much "Hi, how are you?" "Fine, how are you?" "Fine." Much more French Primer conversation than Oprah's Book Club, you know? They have their own circle of close friends (as well as their blog) and I am really just a reader, not a friend.
I think there are a few things about this that are really important. Everyone has their own set of struggles and making it through the day often requires a serious amount of suspension of disbelief. You see someone you don't know very well and she has clearly been crying. You ask her how she is and the answer is "Fine." My father in law (terminal lung cancer) will tell you and anyone else who asks that he is fine every second of every day. The correct answer is "not fine," the lie is obvious, but the road to fine is paved with little white lies about fine. "Fine" helps us put that problem (or set of problems) down. "Fine" helps us remember that standing in line at the grocery store is not really the best place for an emotional meltdown. "Fine" reminds us to put on our big girl panties and get through it. Fake it til you make it, right? That's how I made it through two years of infertility treatments when everyone around me was popping out babies like it was a contest. That's how my friend Mary made it through (is making it through) her husband's death. That's how we all roll, isn't it?
And blogging helps us be honest with at least a few of those fringe people in a way that is controlled and unobtrusive. We can say, "No, I'm not at all fine and here's why" and still maintain the public "I."
Blogging is also - for me anyway - becoming a faster alternative to calling everybody back. I have become that person I hate the most - I do get phone messages, but usually by the time I have time to call you back it's 3 am or I'm so tired I can't remember how I know you.
Blogging is also great for sharing information that is really important to you - and probably just you most of the time. The new baby, the new house, the knitting... but if you're blogging it interested people will self-select and people who feel they "should" be interested can skim and look at the pretty pictures.
I know that it it primarily bloggers who read my blog so I'm preaching to the choir, but these little things seem important - or at least interesting in terms of the ways in which communication styles are changing.

So anyway, four or five years from now, if Jane Hamilton publishes a book in which one of the characters is a blogger you'll know that I helped plant that little seed.

And if I actually manage to write something more than just this little blog you'll know that Jane Hamilton did that.

Lost: One Mind - Reward offered!!

So this morning I started off running incredibly late - as in I woke up at 7:30 which is when we were supposed to be leaving. I took the quickest shower in the history of the world and loaded Bean into the car and we made it to her school with 20 minutes left for me to get across town. Amazing, eh? I noticed that the school parking lot seemed, well, a little less full than normal. I thought maybe it was a factor of the whole running late thing...
It wasn't.
Apparently there was an in service today and not only did I not know about it Bean forgot to tell me about it.
I'm the mommy, I'm supposed to know these things. I'm the mommy who usually tells OTHER mommies about these things. I'm the mommy who writes these things down in her little calendar and sets up child care options WEEKS ahead of time.
So I called in stupid to Hospice and we went home.

I knew there would be some fallout this year, what with all of the busy and stuff, but jeez-o.
At least I'm not a drive-by mom. That could have been really really really bad. (There were people at the school, so she wouldn't have been abandoned entirely, but it sure would have been more embarrassing!!).

I went back to bed for about an hour (did you know they show Dawson's Creek before the judge shows??) and then we went to Target. Gotta love Target.

Bean's big party is in a few hours, and I'm excited. Pizza and video games and friends... and my idiot sister. Oh well, things can't be all good or we'd get spoiled.

House Update and Nuclear Fall

We heard back from the realtor...
They're going to put a roof on our house!! (Notice the "our"). She is also going to treat the house for termites and replace the seal on the toilet.
We're actually going to move in.
We're actually going to own a house.
Crazy Town!!

A couple of bloggy things...
K. made Bean a great sweater... There is a picture of it on her blog. Bean loves it!! I think that it looks like you spun chunky yarn from Cookie Monster fur... and wish it came in my size! Thanks, K!
Also, Emy - thanks for the info about needle donations... I'll absolutely check that out. I learned to knit the washcloths where you cast on 4 and then increase once every row until you have between 35 and 45 stitches (depending on needle size) then decrease every row until you have 4. I still knit that type of washcloth when I need a quick FO fix. I think that is where we'll start. If I'm crazy enough to try this. And K? I'm going to hold you to that "I'm there" statement!!

I didn't post yesterday because the whole time I was at work (where the fast internets live) I was reading this book... Mark Haddon is my new favorite author. I'm ordering Spot of Bother. I read the whole book on my shift, which is good and bad - I got to finish it, but I also got more or less no knitting and no actual work done. Which means I need to do a little bit of actual work today. I can't want to.
I am either suffering from the longest cold in the world or my allergies are kicking my ass (well, more accurately my ears and my throat and my nose and my balance). It feels like every five minutes or so the room shifts a little - not a full spin, more like what the Tilt-a-Whirl cars do as the ride is slowing to a stop. It's fun when you're on a Tilt-a-Whirl. Not so fun when you're driving or cooking or in the middle of talking on the radio.

Speaking of cooking - I made soup last night. I've been wanting a good home made soup. I posted a while ago that I was going to go home and make soup... I think we had pizza that night. But last night... I poached two chicken breasts and cut them into bite-sized pieces. I sauteed garlic and onion and mushroom in some olive oil and a little butter and then added 2 cups of chicken broth and a 16 oz can of diced tomatoes (with the liquid) and fresh basil and a bay leaf. Then I chopped up some carrot, zucchini, celery and new potatoes and tossed them in and then added about 16 oz. of canned kidney beans. Except for the fact that I burned my tongue because I couldn't wait to try it I thought it was a success. I think if I made it again I would add more tomato and puree the garlic/onion/mushroom sautee with the tomato.

There is one more TV show I want to mention... Jericho. All I want to say about it is that I should not have watched it last night. I had horrible end-of-days dreams. I seriously am going to have some kind of emergency kit in the new house that includes duct tape and plastic sheeting. (Oh, and water and food and blankets and copies of important documents and knitting and books). Maybe we'll go all 1950's and build a bomb shelter in the back yard. Oh, we'll call it a tornado shelter, but you'll know what we meant. Here's a question - if some other country finally freaks out and launches nukes at our major cities would they stop there? Would the country just be emptied out like some Stephen King novel, or would that country come in and take over?
Yeah, like you've never wondered.
Honestly, Katrina did more to make me want to have an emergency kit than any nuclear war movie. I'm not a total nutcase.
Well...
But the idea that everything that we take for granted could - even temporarily - disappear makes me look for some kind of orderly plan.

So, no more Jericho for me. (Like I needed another show to watch, right?)

Tomorrow is Bean's actual party... I'm buying cupcakes again. Don't tell Martha, ok?

Thursday Drama... and Comedy... and Knitting

Seriously. Thursdays? I'm in serious trouble. I watched NBC (Earl, Office and ER [sob]) and taped ABC (Gray's Anatomy and Six Degrees).

Quickly:
Earl - even as Earl, Jason Lee is a nice lookin' guy.
The Office - buying gay-dar online? Jim rocks. Call him, Pam, seriously.
ER - Can't comment much, still crying about Abby and tiny Joe, but I will say that Sam is my new hero.
Gray's - What is with medical shows and sick babies?? Anyway, McGuilty indeed... too little too late, or just in the nick of time?? He's NOT good for her, but she's probably not good for sweet "hat's in the ring" Finn.
Six Degrees - new show, good cast, not too confusing... we'll see if they can keep it together.

My poor husband kept checking on me and bringing me essentials (Kleenex and Diet Dr. Pepper). He's such a good man.

So we had some weather yesterday! I kept hearing "windy" on the radio as I drove from one side of town to the other and back again... my SUV was all over the road. "Windy" indeed. Oh, and there were some weird tornadic episodes around 4.
I was waiting in my car outside Bean's school (knitting, bien sûr) and heard the sirens. My cell phone was on my desk at work so I started flipping through radio stations looking for some weather info - I've lived in the midwest for a long time... in fact, the only time I wasn't in the midwest I was in Alabama... and they apparently get more tornadoes than we do... anyway, while it was windy, there were not the usual tornado markers.
Teachers and school administrators started gathering at the doors of the school beckoning parents inside. All of the kids were in the gym in nice, neat little rows. The gym was built just a few years ago and was designed specifically for this. Some parents were fighting with the administrators because they wouldn't let them leave with their kids... I get both sides, but I just wanted to find my kid and hold on, you know?
She was scared and pale and when she saw me she had this look on her face like she knew it was all going to be ok now. I caught her eye from across the gym and made my way over to her class. I sat directly in front of where she was sitting, about 4 feet away and pulled out my knitting. Relaxing for me, you know, just knitting, but relaxing for her too because if mom is knitting than the world can't be about to end. She came over and sat with me, bringing a few of her friends who needed some mommy comfort. I had quite a little group of interested kids around me after about fifteen minutes. They wanted to touch the yarn and the needles (yay) and they wanted to see how it worked. Kids are so cool.
I honestly believe that kids are only as scared as the adults in situations like that. Yes, It was scary, but all of their teachers were in "crisis management" mode, and while they were doing a great job at it they were freaking the kids out. Then there were the parents screaming (literally) and yelling about their "right" to take their kids out of a tornado shelter and into the wind to go home. I circled the kids and we played. We played "categories", and "bubblegumbubblegumu"m, and were about to launch into a "littlest worm" marathon when we got the ok to go home. (Note to self, keep stash of emergency Jolly Ranchers and M&M's in purse).
And they all want to learn to knit.
I'm thinking next year - when Bean is in 5th grade - I might try to find time to do a once a week Knit at Recess thing. I'm thinking washcloths. Lots and lots of weird-shaped washcloths. If I do this I think I'll hold a "Size 7 - 10 needle drive" so that the kids will only have to bring a dollar for the yarn and I don't have to worry about losing needles! Anyone want to help??

Zach Braff for President

This CD just came in the mail.
I love Zach Braff.

The Garden State soundtrack is still playing in my car - it's exactly the right mix of music and (while I'm only on track 3) this new soundtrack is the same kind of good.

If you're a World Cafe fan you'll recognize some of the names... if you're a Top 40 kind of person you probably won't.

Isn't he pretty?? Seriously, I never paid a lot of attention to him on Scrubs - I like the show and he does a fine job in it, but it didn't do much for me. Garden State really turned that all around. We're going to try to see The Last Kiss this weekend. I really hope it's as good as the soundtrack!!

Last night was a knitting night - we met at a great pizza place and my friend Kerri came. It was great fun. I was SO not in the mood for, you know, people last night. I had a little panic attack (at work) after class yesterday and was in the "crawl into bed and cry" phase at about 5:30. The husband reminded me that I always feel better after the meetings and said I should go and then leave early if I didn't feel right. The last thing I want is to melt down in the middle of a KIP meeting. He was right. I felt better.

But after I got home I did crawl into bed and not get back out. (Anyone else watch Kidnapped? I like Jeremy Sisto when he's not Creepy Billy from Six Feet Under - though he might be the bad guy yet, only time will tell). I know I have talked about TV a lot lately, but it's going to be a hell of a fall season!! Tonight is the BIG TV NIGHT... ER and Earl and The Office and Gray's Anatomy... I explained it to my husband in sports terms. "It's like if Notre Dame and Michigan were playing on the same night as Cubs vs. Yankees... That's how much I want to be left alone to watch." He said he understood. He even said it with that "lightbulb has gone off" look on his face. We'll see.

Time to do actual work now.

Martha Stewart is Omnipotent... And She is MAAAAAAD at Me

It's Bean's tenth birthday today.
Every year on her birthday I stay up way late the night before making creative and amazing cupcakes for her class. I have a June birthday and missed out on the whole celebrate your birthday at school thing. Every September 20th morning I wake up bleary and exhausted from my war with the cupcakes that won't cool enough to frost until 3 am... feeling sort of like I did the morning she was born - run over and in need of serious caffeine.
This year I wimped out. I'm so busy and so tired all the time anyway that I asked her (sheepishly) if she would mind store-bought cupcakes this year. Bean the agreeable said, "Can I get chocolate ones?" (Kid, I thought, you can have gold-dipped ones as I feel sooooooo guilty).
I am a rational person (mostly). I know that she knows I love her and it doesn't matter if I made the cupcakes or if Bert in the Dillons Bakery made the cupcakes as long as she gets to wear the Birthday Tiara all day at school. (It's all about the glitter). But I still felt bad.

And Martha knows.

Look what happened to the cupcakes that were just SITTING there on a flat surface all night:






Isn't this sad? Mushed over and frosting sliding off. I am ashamed.

I'm telling you... Martha sees these indiscretions and they piss her off.

Alphabet Meme

A - Accent: Eddie Izzard's
B - Breakfast Item: Yogurt and a bagel
C - Chore you hate: Picking up after someone else
D - Dad's Name: Bill
E - Essential everyday item: Toilet paper (please don't squeeze my Charmin)
F - Flavor ice cream: Karmel Sutra (I love you Ben and Jerry)
G - Gold or Silver?: Silver
H - Happy Place: In bed with sheets just out of the dryer, plenty of movies and yarn.
I - Insomnia: Yes. In cycles.
J - Job -Radio, baby... but I'm moving on to Social Work. I'm hoping to love that more.
K - Kids: One lovely daughter... of course, she's not a teenager yet, ask me in a few years.
L - Living arrangements: Husband, daughter, cat... packing to move to our first house
M - Mom's birthplace: Kansas
N - Name your pets: Serena... oh, and a hermit crab named Sebastian
O - Overnight hospital stays: I had a c-section when Bean was born... and when I was a baby I had bronchitis and some kind of throat thing when I was 3.
P - Phobia: Helplessness
Q - Question: Do moving dairies exist? And will they come and pack my stuff for me for free?
R - Religious Affiliation: Christian.
S - Siblings: Abby, Jesse and Savannah
T - Time you wake up: 7:00 on some days, 8:00 on others and 5:30 on the weekends.
U - Unnatural hair colors you've had: Purple "low lights"
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: canned spinach... oh, and fresh spinach for that matter, but that's just recently.
W - Worst habit: Smoking
X - X-rays you've had: Foot, kidney, jaw, back
Y - Yummy: chocolate, caramel, garlic bread, spring rolls and guacamole
Z - Zoo animal: Penguins!!

Bad Breakfast, No, No. Oh, and Puppies!!

Here is a picture of my breakfast this morning. Inside the cup is Diet Dr. Pepper. I am ashamed. (Dear Abby, I don't know why I can't lose weight. I wish my clothes fit better. Any suggestions? Signed, Fatty McFatfat. Dear Fatty, Stop eating frickin Doritos for breakfast and start going back to the gym. Idiot. Love, Abby).
I did not buy the Doritos and I certainly did not eat the whole bag (ugh). But somehow this morning salt sounded good. Way ashamed. (But at least I'm not going to get E. coli. (Anyone else have the urge to holler it like the Ricola commercial?? EEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ColIIIIIIIII)
Knitting, right.

I love you, Mason Dixon Knitting!
This is made from plain ol' Peaches and Cream and is so soft. Poor Bean has waited so long for me to knit her a blanket. And it's going to take me a while to finish this one, too. Each panel is about an inch and a half wide... and Bean is, like, five feet tall. (Sigh).
(Just keep knitting, just keep knitting, just keep knitting...)





I did bag up another pile of clothes last night. I should have done this years ago. I should be working faster. I should go home today and work my socks off... but I have to go to Kerri's house and show her how to knit. (Hmmmm. Clean my disgusting house or go to Kerri's clean house and knit. What ever shall I do?)
While I decide I'll leave you with pictures of my brother's puppies, Gus and H.I.Gus is the one on his back. No worries, a few seconds after this was taken Gus was up and H.I. was down. They're brothers and they are the reason I want and can't get a dog. They are so happy together that I would have to get two dogs and my allergies will not allow that. So I love them from afar and wish my cat could provide such energy and happiness in my house.

I forgot...

I forgot to bring my camera, so no log cabin blanket pics. There is an excuse... something about waking up at 5:25 and pulling out of my driveway at 5:30... but I'm too tired to remember.

I forgot that knitting is not the most important part of everybody's day. My wrist is a little better, but still not 100%. I've spent the last day or so worrying about my knitting and my husband pointed out last night that it might actually also affect my ability to pack and organize. That hadn't even occurred to me. Priorities and all that.

I forgot that I work in the 'Hood. I mean, I know that I do, but I don't really think about it unless something happens. (Nothing really happened). I was at my favorite Quik Trip at 5:40 this morning and there were more people there than usual. It's ok, but it means I have to park further from the door than I like. One guy got out of an Audi that was painted gold with the Louis Vuitton logo all over it. He was talking on a pay phone when I was walking back to my car telling someone that he didn't have "no" cash because he had to give it to his "baby mama." Shit like that cracks me up. (You can live in your car but you can't drive your house). Another guy rounded the corner as I was getting into my car. He made me hurry just a little more. He was obviously strung out on something, weaving and rocking and shaking and talking to himself. He didn't even seem to see me, but he reminded me where I was. I am so insulated here in my locked-up-tight little building and my smug "I'm not that kind of social worker" mantra. Well, first of all, I am totally NOT that kind of social worker. And secondly, what was I going to do? Approach him and see if I could give him a pamphlet? Um, no.

I forgot that Josh Hartnett can't act. CAN. NOT. Act. Can't. Sorry. (Andie and I saw The Black Dahlia last night). What the hell were they thinking? Swear to god, Ashton Kutcher would have done a better job. Or James "the forehead" Van Der Beek. Or Little Richard. Or that sock puppet dog that used to do the PetCo commercials. Pretty much anyone. It had so much promise, what with Scarlett Johansson and Hilary Swank and all.

I forgot that there is a very valid reason for eating preservative-laden over processed food. Apparently fresh veggies can kill you. Have you seen that? (Of course you have. It's only on every news report from here to Iraq). Even I had to throw some spinach away. And my KIP meeting is at one of my favorite restaurants this week and my favorite thing to get there is the spinach salad. Crap. (Because it really IS all about me).

I forgot that when your husband says "You look really tired, do you want me to rub your back?" there is actually 70's music playing in a loop in his head. (Bowm-chicka-wow-wow). Because yes, actually, I am really tired and I would LOOOOOOOVE a massage. Um, a real one. Not that his version isn't nice and stress-relieving in it's own way. If you know what I mean.

I forgot how much I love staying in bed all morning watching judge shows. Calling in sick yesterday morning was really nice - even though I did actually feel like crap. Sleeping and watching Divorce Court and Judge Joe Brown made me feel a little more like a functioning person. Crazy town.

It's my party and I'll knit if I want to...

My wrist hurts. A lot. And last night I couldn't find my brace. And I kept knitting anyway. I even tried to knit in the continental style just for a change of pace.
Seriously? I'm stressed out right now and I need my knitting.
I also need a mostly functioning right hand, as I am indeed right-handed. So I went to Walgreens and bought a cheap-0 brace and am walking around with this very conspicuous black thing on my wrist. It does help, and it is feeling better. But today when I was waiting for Bean I couldn't help it... I knitted a whole section on her log cabin blanket (I found my camera, pics tomorrow, I promise!!). It was a bit awkward but I managed! Though I don't know if I'm defeating the purpose of the brace. I need to find some self-control. Andie and I are going to a movie tonight... I will try to leave it in the car... but while I would never knit a complicated pattern in a movie, this is row upon row of garter stitch! I could knit this with my eyes closed (ask me how I know).
I also bought some Red Heart to make a couple of the Tychus hats for various male friends and relatives. (Hi, Jesse? That hat I was going to make for you that I screwed up? I'm making another one... our of much louder colors. I'll make it first, promise!!) It has taken me MONTHS to get over the fact that I made such a stupid mistake and made an unwearable hat. I found bright orange and yellow and I'm going to try again.
Knit it loud, baby!
I got some muted "guy" colors for the others. Dark blue, hunter green, maroon, grey... you know, guy colors.
The husband signed on all of the dotted lines and I turned the papers in today. The loan person was so nice!! I told her I was having "closing" anxiety which she said was completely normal and then she said that barring some serious problem there would be no impediments to our loan. Yay us.
I got this book in the mail today from Zooba... it's about getting organized and getting rid of all of the crap in your life. (Um, yes? Were you talking directly to me? Sorry, I was under my bed looking for something I bought ten years ago.)
On Sunday I'm going over to Kerri's house to teach her to knit. (Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated). Look at me getting new knitters going!! She wants to make a blanket for her living room and I'm thinking chunky yarn on big-assed needles in garter stitch. Woo hoo!!
Check out her website, though... she just bought a house too, and has done a fantastic job fixing it up and decorating it. I'm going to bring her in to "consult" on the fixing up and decoration of my new house... I think that between Kerri (decorator to the stars) and Lara (my DIY goddess) and the force that is my parents I have a lot of work ahead of me but my house will be bee-you-tee-ful.
Our home inspection is Tuesday... I'll be sure to take pictures and post them. Cross your fingers and toes (and anything else that can be crossed) for me on Tuesday. We're almost there!!
Anyone notice that I have a little bit more energy today?? I am feeling a lot better than the last few days. I took the morning off from Hospice and ran a few errands this afternoon and am at work now. It's pretty much my "old" schedule from before the semester started. Which means that when the semester is over I will actually get some rest again. That's really a good thing to know. With the headaches that I get, and with this schedule that I have it's really easy to not see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's really easy to think, "My head is never going to feel any better. I will hurt like this forever." With this schedule it's easy to think, "I am going to go until I drop and when I drop I will have failed." I am feeling a bit more energized now, though, and it really IS all going to be ok.
Will someone tell that to my husband in a way that seems convincing?!?
So the idiot step-mother actually did something really cool. A friend of hers has an aggressive ovarian cancer and lost her hair so the idiot step-mother shaved her head in a show of solidarity. I would totally do that. As much as I love my hair (regardless of how much it doesn't love me most of the time) I would shave every bit of it off tomorrow if someone I loved lost theirs. It's all about sisterhood, you know?
I'm off to read for a bit. If some knitting jumps into my hand I might try a few stitches... but I'll keep my brace on!

Too Busy to Pee

Anyone ever go, like, all day and realize that you never found time to pee?? That was me today. I'm on crack anyway (migraine, day 3) and I had Hospice and a meeting with the (very nice) bank lady and Bean and work today.
In an hour I'll go home and make dinner and then if tonight is anything at all like last night I will stare blankly at the TV with my knitting in my hands and never actually knit anything. (I did revive a bit for Project Runway - I was never worried, by the way, when Vincent and Angela came back. I knew there was no way in hell either of them would be able to win that challenge... but boy oh boy didn't everyone else freak out?!? And poor Lara, that last challenge really threw her off).
I got the huge manifesto that is the loan paperwork. Holy Cats! How many trees have to die so that the loan company knows that we are who we say we are? Anyway, I'm taking the mound of papers home for the husband tonight and then we will be one baby step closer to the house.
OH! Guess what I did??? Totally not like me at all. Just guess.
Ok, I'll tell you. I CLEANED something... and not just any something. I cleaned out my car. All the way cleaned. Like, even the way back. I mean, there is still some stuff in my car, but it's stuff that is supposed to be there. I filled an ENTIRE dumpster with crap that has been riding around in my car for months and months.
Now I just need to do that in my house. I AM making progress... I took a big bag full of my clothes to a thrift store today. That felt really good. I don't even remember what all is in the bag so I can't even really freak out that it's gone. One down, eleventy-billion to go!!
It's a short post today... more when I feel better, when I have more time, when I have more than one thought in my head.
And thanks for all of the comments!

Guess What?

Just a short post today unless by some magic spell I really can bend time...

WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I just have to locate all of the important papers that we need to complete the loan. Ummmmmm...... Are they under this pile of magazines?? Nope. Hmmmmm. What's in this box? Holy cats! My jean skirt!! Oh, papers, right... ummmmmmm...

Tennis anyone?

So we got a response from the seller.

We offered about $6,000 less than the asking price.

Their response was to come down by $500.

We came up by $2,000.

They went down another $1,000.


We're fighting over less than $2,000 here. She bought the house ten years ago for more than $20,000 less than we're offering and it's been a rental for ten years. COME ON, LADY!!

Now we have to decide if we are actually willing to pay more than what the bank will loan us. How much do we really want this house? How important is this specific property?

I just don't know.

I've said that if it's "our" house it will happen and if it doesn't happen there is a better house for us somewhere. I'm starting to close myself off from wanting this house... trying to find distance - the emotional "out" so that I won't be lamenting this house for the rest of the decade. (Sort of like the whole, "boy I'm so glad we didn't have a baby" denial I'm so fond of).

In other news, my friend Kerri has done an amazing job on her house... I'm going to pay her in massage gift certificates to come and help me decorate my house... if I ever get one... (BIG HUFFY SIGH).

(Still no word... but it hasn't even been 24 hours yet...)

I am not good at anticipation. I am also no good at situations that directly affect me over which I have no direct control. I am also not good at staying positive. (All reasons why I am not a lawyer... oh and there's that pesky law school). I was thinking yesterday about the chain of people who will know our fate before we do and it sort of bothers me. Everyone else will be able to walk away from this transaction with no further responsibilities and everyone else will know whether they accept our offer before we do. Does it matter? Probably not in the grand scheme of things. (Don't tell the local news stations that getting information FIRST isn't such a big deal. They will take away your television and then you won't be able to watch Project Runway). But when you're waiting - cell phone more or less glued to your hand so you don't miss a THE call - the time it will take for the seller to call her realtor and then for the realtor to call my aunt and for my aunt to call me seems like an eternity even if nobody lets it go to voicemail.
It's sort of like waiting to hear if you get a job, or if you passed the last class you needed for your degree, or (maybe to a lesser extent) how your test results came back at the doctor's office.
I keep having these very muddled dreams that include houses, natural disasters, babies (belonging to other people), dying patients, ex-boyfriends and cotton candy. I don't even like cotton candy. And with one or two exceptions I don't like my ex-boyfriends either. But they make no narrative sense when I wake up so I can't seem to get a good grasp on anything in them. Maybe it's just my sub-conscious purging the day/week/month. I do feel sort of dropped from the sky and hollow the way you do after you've thrown up everything you've eaten for a few days. I'm probably just not getting enough sleep.
Shocking, I know.
The (literal) Crack head next door is (apparently) trying to re-build part of his garage. The garage that is six feet from my bedroom window. At midnight. Swear to God. I was actually asleep before midnight and then at about 11:45 there is this thump-thump-thump-thump. It doesn't stop. I stumbled into the living room all bleary, surprising my husband and his idiot friend and I said, "Seriously?" The husband said, "I don't think he really cares if he's bothering people." I said, "He'll care if I call the police."
We all went outside for a cigarette and I kept glaring at my husband. "I am not responsible for the noise," he says (as the neighbor cranks up his radio... Fleetwood Mac). I say nothing. "It's a good song," he offers. I say nothing. He is not a confrontational guy... lover not a fighter and all that. He gives me a very sad look. "You want me to talk to him, don't you." I gave him my best "look at me acting all calm" sarcastic little smile and said, "Or I could go over there." The husband and his idiot friend both said, "No!" at the same time and he went over to the neighbor's house. After some "aren't we all good guys on this bus" banter, the neighbor turned down his radio and stopped banging.
Apparently he "didn't realize" he was bothering anybody. Stop it. If your house is less than forty feet or so from your neighbor and you are blaring music and banging outside someone's window at MIDNIGHT (even if they DON'T have to get up at 5) you're BOTHERING them. If you openly admit to smoking crack, leave half your shit all over the front yard, have two big dogs who bark at dust mites, want to move an admitted sexual predator in with you and don't shut up long enough for people to politely go inside their own homes YOU ARE BOTHERING THEM. I would strangle him but I'd have to touch him.
If he wants to bang away and blare music while the sun is up I have no gripe. People are entitled to live their lives (and remodel their garages) at will, but for the love of sheep! When the sun goes away at least make an EFFORT to shut the hell up. If all goes well we can start moving in less than a month.
Holy crap.
I have to be all the way organized in less than a month.
I need a wand.

Anyone have an extra clue?

There are a lot of people around here who seem to have lost theirs!
Good morning, I'm grumpy today.

I am resisting the urge to take a picture of the paperwork for our house. We're submitting an offer today and I'm waiting for our realtor to come by and pick up all of the papers. It would be really dumb to take pictures of it, right? Sitting there all official and cute.

I'm just a little excited.

Andie and I saw The Illusionist last night. It really is a good movie - and I really do love Edward Norton. A lot. Oh, and did you know that Jessica Biel can act? Well, sort of. All of the drama and subtle emotion of the movie comes directly from Edward Norton and (of course) Paul Giamatti. She just stood around looking either sad or willful. She doesn't even really say much, which I think probably helped. Phillip Glass does the score, and it's probably the most narrative score I've ever heard from Glass. (Plink. Plink. Plinkplinkplinkplinkplink).

While I'm in critic mode... anyone breathe a little easier Wednesday night when the creepy old guy (finally) got kicked off Project Runway? I thought that I was never going to be able to have sex again - every time he said he got "turned on" by his own ugly-assed dresses I died a little inside. And what the hell was up with the yellow plaid number? Ick. (Again, smiling at the irony of a chubby Midwestern girl with wet hair and sweat pants criticizing the fashion on PR).

And we're getting so close to the start of all of the new seasons of my favorite shows... Gilmore Girls and Grey's Anatomy and Desperate Housewives and E.R. and The Office and My Name is Earl and (who am I missing??). From that list it looks like I have a lot more TV time than I actually do. Bean and I do make the effort to be home and together every Tuesday night at 7 to watch Gilmore Girls. It's sort of our thing. Everything else gets recorded or else I go to Television Without Pity for updates. Have you ever seen this website? It's fun... when I was in my Dawson's Creek phase I would watch four or five episodes and then read them on TVWoP and laugh my ass off.

Anyone remember the show What About Brian? from the end of last season? They aired, like, three episodes and then said "wow, hope y'all liked it, stay tuned for the next season in the fall." Is it coming back? I liked it... despite that three-episode teaser crap. And did they cancel Windfall yet? Christ. I've been watching it, but it's such a train wreck.

I just got a call from the husband. He really is a smart, fairly self-sufficient man. I promise. So he calls and says, "There's a problem."
"Ok," I'm alert now, in mommy mode, "what's wrong?"
"We're out of milk and Bean wants cereal." (And this involves me because.....)
"So she can eat toast and drink juice, or you can go to the store." (You know, that big tan building that sells potato chips? They also sell milk. Oh, and vegetables).
"Well, she wants to go to your mom's"
"Is her room clean and ready to pack up?"
"I don't think so"
~~Silence~~
"So you don't want her to go?"
~~Silence~~
"Ok, well, I guess we'll work on breakfast and then go to the store and get milk for lunch." (Good boy).

Do you ever feel like you're the only one in your house with a clue? Does that thought ever fill you with dread and despair? Maybe it's just me.

So far I'm the only person who is going through the house pile by pile throwing shit away. That's either going to change really soon, or the husband and Bean will be missing a lot of stuff in the new house. I'm trapped at work until 6 tonight and so I will not get as much done as I want to today. Tomorrow, though, I'm supposed to get off at 9 and then will have all day to work on cleaning... and you know that when I say "work on cleaning" I mean clean for a bit and nap for a bit and clean for a bit more, right? If I were a "clean until it's done" kind of girl we wouldn't have so much crap to go through.

I'll let y'all know when we hear back from the seller. Keep fingers and toes crossed for me!!

The Sixty Thousand Dollar Question

So did we put a bid on the house??

Nope.

And while I can not say whether or not we have decided to buy this little house (we have) I can say that I will be calling my realtor on Friday to tell her when we want to close on the house that we haven't made any firm decisions about yet (yes we have).

Here's the cool thing - one of our options for a closing date is our second anniversary. Is that too sentimental?!? We would be paying more in interest than if we closed on the last day of this month, but waiting until October gives us until December before we have to make our first house payment and if we could get out of this nasty renter's hell during October that would leave no rent and no house payment in November. Found money, baby! That's a new refrigerator right there. Yup.

So while we have not yet decided (yes we have!! yes we have!! we are totally buying a house. this house. this house that i totally love...) a-hem... while we have not yet decided about the house yet, stay tuned because I have this feeling that I just might have some house-type news. Probably on Friday.

I am NOT sick.

I'm not. I don't have time to be sick.
My throat does not hurt, my head is not full and spinning, my body does not ache.
I am not craving chicken soup and grilled cheese. Mmmmmmm. Grilled cheese.

I don't have time for this. I'm going to Walgreens after work for Tylenol Severe Cold... one of the nurses at Hospice swears by it. I'm thinking it's a sinus issue, as opposed to a germy cold issue, but that also means if I don't kick it pretty soon I'm going to have to find time to see my doctor. I used to be able to call her and say, "Hey Terri, I think I have a sinus infection, help a girl out!" and she'd call my pharmacy and in a few hours I'd have an antibiotic (and usually new nailpolish and some cough drops and a couple of magazines and some chocolate. Walgreens rocks). Now I have to drive all the way out there, pay the $20 co-pay and wait with all of the sick people for her to look in my ears and up my nose and say, "I think you have a sinus infection."

Maybe I'll make some potato soup for dinner tonight. I love fall. LOVE fall. And it's almost fall. I love that I can wear capri pants with a sweater and sandals in the daytime and fuzzy socks at night. I love that it's warm enough to drive around with the windows down and cool enough to make soup for dinner. I love that people are in a better mood because it's not a hundred and fifteen degrees outside. I love that fall feeling - it makes me want to make soup and crusty bread, it makes me want to knit a blanket, it makes me want to... I don't know, buy a house.

Here's the coolest thing about this whole house-buying thing... if it goes as planned we will be closing on this house very close to our second anniversary. That's pretty cool, right?
I hope we get this house. I hope it's the right house for us. I'm such an idiot though... I called an insurance agent to get a quote and didn't have the address in front of me. I feel like a total moron because I have to call him back with the house number. Jeez-o.
I'm not very smart. But not very smart people buy houses every day, right?? And not very smart people buy houses that aren't money pits all the time, right??

I need lunch (and a nap) and some cold medicine, and I need to go sit somewhere quiet and read for a bit and then I'll be fine.

Seriously. I'm making soup for dinner tonight. Soup and grilled cheese. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Bleh.

I'm up, I'm at work, but I feel like doggy poopy. I had a pretty bad headache yesterday that shifted into a migraine last night. My migraine medicine isn't really working anymore - it takes the edge off but doesn't really touch the focus of the pain. This morning I feel hung over and sick. My head was still hurting so I took some over the counter migraine pills - basically tylenol, aspirin and caffeine. But I'm dizzy and feel off balance - like when you stay too long on the merry-go-round, or have just one drink too many at a party. (Yes, mother, I did eat something with my medicine). Bleh.
There's a story on Weekend Edition right now about drinking and driving... I doubt I'd pass anything but the brethalyzer right now. I can't sit a straight line, let alone walk it. Anyone want to be my designated driver?? With one (glaring) exception I have never driven home when I've had too much to drink, but I have driven home too sick, too tired, too full of migraine medicine. Isn't that all the same thing? Don't we get comfortable thinking we're being responsible when there are lots and lots of times when we shouldn't drive or go to work or be responsible for anything more taxing than napping and watching Judge Judy? But who stays home? Who has that luxury? Certainly not me. If I think about it too much I can't do things like, oh, go to amusement parks or fly anywhere or drive on the highway behind (or beside) big trucks. I mean, every job becomes routine after awhile, and we all make stupid mistakes at work. At my job, if I make a mistake somebody's underwriting message doesn't make it on the air. If Bob the roller coaster guy makes a mistake people get hurt.
I have things I want to do but I might be better off going back to bed when I get home. Usually that's a great plan, but today I wanted to go to Wal Mart and I wanted to start going through the junk in our front room. I am serious about this whole "less is more" approach to my house. I have drawers in my hallway that are full of ribbons and expired allergy pills and who knows what else... I ought to just dump it all into bags and throw them to the curb. There is a LOT of stuff like that in my house. I am not going to have a garage sale. I repeat: I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE A GARAGE SALE. I am going to make three piles: keep, toss, give to the YWCA Women's Shelter. Hopefully I can be disciplined enough that the "Keep" pile is much smaller than the "Toss" and "Give away" piles. One of the other social workers at Hospice goes through her house every two months and does the big purge and clean that most people do once or twice a month. Yikes. I would ask her to help me be ruthless with my stuff but I would be too embarrassed to have her (or anyone else) see my house right now. I am seriously going to have some kind of cleaning crew come in to out house before we give the keys back to the landlord.

Shhhhh....

I don't want to jinx it... We looked at that house today. My mom liked it. My dad liked it. My dad (god love him) is practically bursting with things he wants to do to the house. He owns a marble and granite company and was all, "We've got some scrap granite that would work really well in here. We'd just pull this out and..." At that point I stop listening. I have complete trust in my dad's ideas and execution.
My husband was not so sure about the house... He did say that it had "potential," but would not say much else. He is still not completely convinced that now is the best time for us to buy a house. It is a scary step... but to me it's not any more scary than getting married or being a parent or going back to school or changing careers. Except for the getting married part, he hasn't really done any of those other scary things. He became a parent seven years into her life - a relatively calm time in childhood... old enough to be relatively self-sufficient but not old enough to scare the crap out of us with weird hair or clothes or boys.
Anyway, he had time to think about it and (finally) admitted to me tonight that he really liked the house too. A lot. He said he's ready to think about the next step in the process. For my husband that is a HUGE thing.
Seriously. You could offer him ten thousand dollars and he would say he had to think about it. He is a creature of habit and his biggest habit is pessimism. I am practically dancing on the ceiling.
So I'm going to call the realtor this week and find out what our next step is...
The people living in the house right now will be out by the end of October. We could be fully settled in by Thanksgiving.
Holy shit.
Now it's time to start the grand cleaning out of the crap.
I am a notorious pack-rat and I have the housekeeping skills of a fifteen year old boy. I am determined not to move anything into that house that I don't really need. I want to give myself the opportunity to have the kind of life and house that I can feel really good about - because I actually have a few boxes that I have been moving from house to house and have not actually opened in years.

Pardon me while I whine for a moment....
It's soooooo early!!! And I hate early!!!!

OK. I'm better now. (Sort of).
Yesterday was actually really nice... I slept in and read in bed (yes, I finished my book before the book club). Andie and I had lunch (and ice cream) and I knitted for awhile. I finished (again) the first sock from the Wick yarn I was going on (and on) about. I finished the first sock about two weeks ago and when Bean tried it on it didn't fit. I am constantly underestimating how big she is... (yes, I could use a tape measure, but then I could no longer be in denial about how big she is!) Anyway, I worked on the sock while my sister was in labor and was in the "Just keep knitting" mode, so NOW it might be a bit long. She'll grow.

The book club was nice - French book = French food. And everyone loved the book. This can have the potential to make the discussion really (really really really) boring, there was a lot of lively discussion.

After the discussion I was trying to slip out and got "caught" by a woman who had been to a couple of the discussions. Her name sounded familiar but her face was not familiar at all and now I know why. We talked for a few minutes and then somehow we started talking about where and when we went to high school... which turned into the "who do we have in common" game. (Yes, Lia, this is exactly why you move 3000 miles away from home after high school.) Turns out, she knew Bean's stepmother (among others) before I did and got caught up in her drama like I did. It was sort of creepy... we had a lot of the same stories about a lot of the same people. Toxic relationships suck. She also knew my friend M's husband and our new engineer in high school. It really is a teeny tiny town. I had heard stories about her - but from the toxic people. Toxic people tend to lie... to reinvent history to suit them. I wonder what kinds of stories are told about me. I wonder if it really matters.
I liked her, though, and we had that "shipwreck survivor" thing going on... It's always reassuring when a third party has the exact same impression of someone - especially if it's negative. It makes you feel like you really are the sane one. I hope she's not a crazy person. I called M's husband and left a message about her. Hopefully if she is a crazy person he'll call and let me know. We talked about the importance of the drama-free zone, but if she is a crazy person her idea of drama might be different. Hell, maybe I'm a crazy person.
Speaking of crazy...
Why does everyone think I should crochet?!? I can't pull out my needles anywhere but home (and KIP) without someone saying, "Is that knitting or crochet?" (Which makes me crazy, y'all know). When I say, "Knitting," and make some sort of gesture that means "See? Needles you idiot," they invariably say, "My mother (sister/best friend/cat/neighbor) crochets and she says it's a lot easier than knitting. You should really try it." "Oh," I say, "I've tried crochet, I'm hopeless. For me, knitting is much easier." And then they argue. "You should let my mother show you... she can teach anyone." "Oh," I smile, "Do you crochet?" Which, of course, they don't. Someone who crochets would know the difference between knit and crochet.
Here's the thing, I don't hate crochet. I really don't. It's just not my thing. I wasn't very good at it and I didn't ever enjoy it. I am adequate at knitting and I really enjoy it. Why is that such a problem?!? To me, knitting vs. crochet is like Coke vs. Pepsi, Chocolate vs. Vanilla, left side of the bed vs. right side of the bed. It is possible to like both. It is also possible to like neither. It is also possible to lean more strongly toward one, to identify yourself with one and eschew the other without judgment or negative thoughts... it's just preference. With knit and crochet perhaps preference and ability. If I go to a restaurant and ask for diet coke and the server says (in that hopeful way) "Diet Pepsi?" I will smile in an equally hopeful way and say, "Diet Dr. Pepper?" and if there is no Diet Dr. Pepper I will drink Diet Pepsi. If I am trapped somewhere and somehow do not have anything to do, and a nice woman asks what I need I would say, "Knitting." If she smiled at me in that hopeful way and said, "Crochet?" I would say, "Cross stitch?" and if she didn't have that I would crochet something. Badly. See what I mean? It's exactly the same thing.
We're going to look at that house today. I'm nervous. What if they hate it? Or even more scary, what if they don't?!? What if this is the house? What if it really is time?!?

ACK!

Sleeping in...

Look at me having a day off... sort of. Bean doesn't have school today or Monday so I took time off from Hospice and then she decided to spend the weekend with her dad. So all I have to do today is finish the book for my book club. (Suite Francaise by Irene Nemirovsky - it really is an amazing book). I've finished the narrative part, and am on the notes at the end. I wouldn't ordinarily worry so much about the notes but I know that there will be some discussion about them.
But the important part is that I am still in bed. It's after eleven in the morning and I've been out of bed twice.
Andie and I are going out for lunch today but otherwise I don't have any plans until about 4. I have to go to work for a few hours and then the book club meets for dinner at 7.
So my sister had her baby. They broke her water Thursday evening. She called to tell me they were going in and I asked her if she wanted me to go and she said her usual, "It doesn't matter." So the husband and I went out for dinner. As we were leaving the restaurant her friend called and asked if I was coming. I said no, that she didn't seem to want me there. Her friend said, "well she asked me to call you again." So I went. I said I wasn't going to but I did anyway. I don't want to abandon her but I don't want to get involved and I went anyway. Our parents were out of town and her mom lives about three hours away so I was really the only family there. He was there, of course, hangong all over her and acting like a good guy but, really it was just sickening. He didn't say anything to me and I managed to pretend that he wasn't there. It was scary at some times - her blood pressure was pretty low at times and she was really uncomfortable. We talked about nothing... just mindless, inconsequential stuff - school and the kids and The Young and The Restless.
I stayed long enough to see the baby (he is, of course, beautiful) and to tell her goodbye. Whatever function I served for her during the whole process I still had to get some sleep. I still had to get up and go to Hospice in the morning. I picked Bean up at school yesterday afternoon and took her to see the baby on the way to her dad's house, so I did my job there too.
And, of course, the parents have hatched a new plan. Her mom, T, is coming for the weekend and they're going to try to get her to go back to stay with her mom while she recovers from the birth. Our mom said she'll take care of my nephew and get him to and from school and bring him up on the weekends and they can take the babies to T's house. They're hoping that getting her completely away from him will help her see things more clearly. I'm hoping that she just moves in with them and stays away for a long time. I'm hoping that she gets her shit together, for herself and her three kids. I'm hoping that she figures out how to grow up and be strong.
The whole thing makes me really tired.