Family Fun (redux)

We're supposed to go to my parents' house this afternoon... for the youngest nephew's birthday and a Labor Day cookout. We have been talking about instituting a regular Sunday dinner - and in theory I am totally in favor - but in practice? Who knows.
My niece was over at the house last night to swim and she has NO idea who I am. Bean's step-brother was with us last night too, and she was LESS amazed that Bean had a brother that she had never met than that she had a MOM who was HER MOM'S sister.
That kind of freaks me out.

It would be nice to have one of those families where everyone gets along and we share our lives and, you know, have something in common. I just don't know if my family fits that model.

There are just too many minefields, too many misunderstandings. And then there's the filter... some of us just don't have the brain-to-mouth filter. We weren't born with it and rather than developing it over time we developed the skills to deal with the consequences.
And then we developed the ability to pretend that we weren't affected at all.
Something my mom said hit me the wrong way last night... I remind myself that she means well and probably had no idea that her comment was a direct hit... but I'm still shaken.
I laughed it off, of course, no good can come from admitting that particular exposed nerve... it was an observation on how different my life would be now if just one or two decisions had been different.
Decisions that I had no control over, by the way.
Decisions that someone else made.
Decisions that I had no control over that someone else made ten years ago.
For fuck's sake.

We all have those. Our lives are made up of a hundred million individual decisions that brought us from where we were to where we are. If one or two of ANY of those decisions were different it would alter everything around us. Basic systems theory.
Spending too much time unraveling those decisions to the "big one" and re-thinking consequences of changing our minds is pointless and enough to drive you crazy.
Bat shit crazy.
Shitstorm crazy.

So of course it made me sad. And of course it made it impossible to sleep. And of course it makes me want to not go today.

To make nice with my vacant sister and sit paired with my single uncle. Both of us bitter and lonely. Both of us irreparably damaged by marriage. Both of us just wanting to take a nap instead.