Oh Bean.

I just looked at the clock - 7:51 am.
Almost exactly 12 years ago Bean was born. It was a scheduled c-section, so the whole thing took about an hour, and as it turns out that was the most life-changing hour of my life.
She emerged at 7:58, beautiful and serene.

She was a quiet baby, serious and determined, but also quick to laugh. She slept an astonishing amount, and we would curl up together in the afternoons and just doze. She taught me the value of a good nap.

This last year has been so amazingly difficult for both of us, and she has come through it with grace and humor and sweetness.
I feel guilty for all of the sadness. Not just now, but also before he died. He was never as harsh with her as he was with me, but the change from Jeff to Bartleby was really difficult for her. I wish I could erase all of that from her life. I wish I could erase the times she has seen me cry; the times she has seen me stay in bed. I wish I could be better for her.

She says, "Duh, Mom, your husband died. I would freak out if you weren't sad sometimes."
She says, "Dude, I love that I can take care of you when you don't feel good."
She says, "Can I snuggle with you?"

I love that she still wants to snuggle with me.
I love that she looks at the last year and can still stay optimistic.
I love that even though she was home with me that scary weekend when I was really really depressed she took it all in stride and had a contingency plan.

She is silly and funny and sarcastic... she is also smart and empathetic and caring.
She is also lazy, in the same way that I am lazy. Which is to say there are so many better things to do than housework. We are working on getting better about that together.

I worried that I wasn't teaching her the right sorts of things. I worried that she was taking the wrong life lessons away from the things we have gone through together. When I have said this to her she has replied:
"Mom, you have shown me that you can make a mistake and it's never too late to fix it."
"I learned that we can get through anything with good friends around us."
"Just keep knitting, just keep knitting, just keep knitting."

Happy birthday Bean. You are the reason I keep moving forward.