Where's my Sign?

I noticed that The Yarn Harlot is also battling the holiday blues and has had somewhat of an emotionally stressful year too. I wish that none of us had to deal with it, but it does make me feel a bit better to know that it's not just me. Also it sort of blows my mind when people who seem so "together" have issues like that. In the same way, when people mention how "well" I am handling things this year I think, "Well, you're not there when I am crying so hard I throw up are you?"

I will admit that I no longer wish I could wear a sign that reads, "I'm not really like this, my husband died," as a disclaimer, but most of the time I feel like I am held together by the finest of threads.

It's been a rough couple of days.

Last night was bad... no real sleeping, partially due to this stupid cold. Stuffy, runny, sneezy nose does not let you rest and even NyQuil wasn't cutting it.

And my head is rolling something around. I'm not entirely sure what it is.
Isn't that funny? I'm fixated enough on something that I can't sleep, but my head hasn't let me in on the problem. I have an idea... based on the direction my dreams are heading and my reaction to a few seemingly harmless things, but until it processes through I don't really know what's wrong.

It's enough to make a girl crazy... oh, wait...

It doesn't take a genius to assume that it has something to do with my abandonment/trust/self-esteem issues. Everything, apparently, has to do with that. And my first line of defense lately is, "Fuck it." So if I seem agitated (read: awake) tread lightly and forgive me if I don't respond the way you thought I would.

OK. So I do still want a sign. I just want it to be something like, "Caution: Falling Rocks" or "Open Trench." "Slippery When Wet" is also a crowd pleaser... "Dangerous Curves Ahead," or maybe simply "Don't Feed the Bears."

Or, like one of my favorite bookstore employees, just "FUCK."