Is it Spring Yet?!?

Oh, um, hi December! I wasn't expecting you so soon! Wow. I should really have paid more attention to the calendar.

I have talked to people who are actually done with their Christmas shopping. Could you just vomit holly? I have finished two knitting projects - and seeing as how I wasn't going to knit for anyone this year that's pretty amazing - but that's also the extent of my holiday preparation.

I'm also not winning any mental health awards for December, my insomnia is back and I can't go more than an hour without crying about something. (On a related note, my bedroom is rearranged and almost clean. Seriously. Just don't open the closet). I was expecting the usual holiday depression. It happens every year sometime after Halloween and runs through the middle of January... but this year it didn't really hit until Thanksgiving. I woke up Thursday morning and felt like I had been hit with the anxiety stick. I didn't want to leave the house.
But of course I had to. I had to make garlic dip and lots (and lots) of mashed potatoes.

So I did. Because I am a grown up.
Sort of.

I called Sally for a single-girl pep talk and then got dressed (big-girl panties, check!) and went to my parents' house.
My mom and I started the afternoon with a Xanax and I took a nap after we ate... then my potatoes and I went to Andie's.

It was a good time, don't get me wrong, but I was exhausted and sad and ready to sink into my bed by the end of the day. And I wanted to stay there for the rest of the weekend.
But I went to work on Friday and then Andie and Sally and I went to lunch and then on to Twist.

And it occurred to me that I may just be deluding myself into thinking I'm OK, when really? I rarely leave the house for anywhere but class and work without Andie and/or Sally. And Saturday when Sally left and I stayed on to knit some more, my anxiety levels were higher than they should be at Twist.
When I did finally leave I was so keyed up that I cried all the way home. I don't know why.

Last night I was crying because I have a holiday party to go to next week and I don't know what to wear to it. Or if I should take a date. Or if my date will be willing to go.

And today? Today I have an appointment with the lawyer again. More stuff to sign, still no check.
I feel very fragile and tired and jerked around.

I need to learn to trust my own judgment and instincts... but I feel so fuzzy and spun out most of the time that I am afraid that I am missing important decisive information.

So if I see you and you ask me how I'm doing and I start crying it's nothing personal. It's just December.