Anxiety and Repulsion

Soooooooo the meeting with the lawyer went well-ish. I signed the eleventy-billionth document and now we're just waiting for the title company to do their thing. It will take another week or so.

All pretty basic and run-of-the-mill stuff.

But being in that office for even a few minutes triggers real anxiety for me. I was there for less than 30 minutes but I left sweating and shaking. I thought I was going to throw up in the elevator, and I ended up having a large panic attack in my car.
And (for the first time in like, ten years) I had no Xanax on me. Not a one. Not even Advil with Xanax residue from being kept in the same bottle.
I couldn't drive, I couldn't breathe. I just kept thinking, "This is not what I wanted."

At this point I have structured my life so that I need this money. Working part time has allowed me to be a student and a mother and still have benefits without being away from the house more than 80 hours a week. It's a short-term solution that means I can finish this education that began when I was married and happy. Safe, I thought, in my ability to plan ahead. To make decisions about my future. Our future.

I still don't want it.

I'll take it. I have to. I have to take care of these financial issues that have been hanging for months. I have to be able to have a savings that will take care of emergencies. I have to be able to be stable if something (else) catastrophic should happen.

But I don't want to.

Do I want him back? No. Not even if I could have the first version of him back. I wish I had never married him, never allowed him to get that close.
I am happy with my life now. I am happy with the things I have accomplished and the people who love me and I wouldn't trade any of it... but I didn't want him to die like he did and I certainly didn't want to be compensated for it.

Legally that's not what it is.
Legally it's inheretace.
But it still feels like compensation. Pay off. Blood money.

Maybe it will feel better when it smells like cash. It's hard to be repulsed by cash.