Where We Are Now

In the land of compromise... Sort of.
The husband and I were up until 5 this morning having the "I don't want to move out" "I want you to move out" conversation. Here are the highlights:

-He says he would never do this to me and he doesn't want to lose "what we have"
-I want him to be gone by the end of February
-He says he can turn things around by then
-I agreed that if he could, in fact, turn things around by then he can stay

Then I went to bed and tossed and turned and couldn't figure out what was bothering me about this. Then I realized it was three things:

1. I would never put him in a position where he would feel like the only thing he could do to save himself is ask me to leave
2. If he can "turn things around" by the end of February why has it come to this? Why did I have to get to this point to see some action?
3. Hope is a 4-letter word

Don't get me wrong, I would love to not get a divorce. I would love for our relationship to be what it should be. I just don't know that it's possible. And getting my hopes up again seems really cruel. So I'm going to carry on as usual and see what he accomplishes in the next 60 days or so.

He asked me what he specifically needs to fix. And here's the thing - I don't know. Obviously he needs to get a job. Duh. But beyond that I'm clueless. I told him that I was tired of being the one to suggest things and that it was my turn to be convinced. I said that he needed to figure out what he needed to do to be more active participant in his own life and then we could work on us... and he was going to have to figure out how to convince me that we should stay together.

If I could tell him what to do I wouldn't need to be convinced, right?

But really? I just want to be happy. I just want my kid to be happy. I just want to finish graduate school and get a good job and not worry so much about money. I want to be healthier and nicer to people I don't like. I want to stop sleeping all the time and I want to keep my house cleaner. Is he involved in any of that?

I guess it's too soon to tell.
I'll let you know March 1st.