Crazy

I'm at work... and seriously bored.
I am a bad social worker. Or maybe just a realistic one. You decide.

We do have one client in for the weekend, and so far he has not thrown up on anything. So that's good, right? He is psychotic (and not in a good way) and has not had any meds for more than 24 hours. So far he's pretty calm.
He was watching Cops earlier, which I sort of thought was strange. Then America's Most Wanted was on. I don't know, it just seemed wrong somehow.

We had two calls - both drunk and talkative.

One guy was complaining that his back hurt and that he wasn't walking very well. I said, "Well, you are drunk. That solves that little mystery. Did you do anything today that might have strained your back?"
He said, "Well, I carried a lot of groceries in my backpack."
I said, "Huh. Maybe that's it."
Then he asked, "Do you think I need to go to the hospital?"
"Nope. I think that you need to take some ibuprofen and lie down."
"But it reeeeeeally hurts."
"Look, only you know if it's worth paying the ER fee. If you think it's that bad then you need to make that decision."
"Could you tell them not to run the sirens? I hate it when they run the sirens."
"I'm not going to tell anybody anything. If you really think this is worth a trip to the ER then you need to figure out how to get there."
"I am in pain!" He's yelling now. And also whining. "Haven't you ever been in pain? It's an emergency"
"Sir, if you feel it is an emergency then you need to hang up and call 911. If not, you need to lower your voice and relax."

He hung up on me. Sure, I've been in pain. I've also seen a lot of pain medication seekers in my day. And I also don't think that every ache is a reason to bother the nice folks at the ER.
My mom was a nurse. At the VA. We did not go to the doctor unless we had a fever over 104 or had been vomiting for more than 3 days. We did not go to the emergency room unless someone was in danger of bleeding to death. My definition of an "emergency" might be a little skewed... but if you're a little sore from being drunk and falling all over your apartment after a day of grocery shopping and riding your bike home with heavy groceries on your back, maybe it's just me, but that seems like a job for rest and ibuprofen.

The best part? He said he didn't want to take his meds because they made him sleepy. But then he started whining again about not being able to sleep.
Seriously?
And I'm not being insensitive when I call it whining. He was actually whining. Like a 3-year-old.

The second guy swore up and down that he was not drunk, but Slurry McMystic-Pants was protesting a bit much. He told me about buying canned carrots (yuck) and eating three cans of them and then taking vitamin C. Then he said he bought this new Diet Pepsi with ginseng because he's on a health kick. OK.
He then started talking about how we're all connected by threads to the universe.
Seriously.
Then he was completely fixated on this woman who lives in the same motel... He's concerned that she is not making good choices. I couldn't divert him at all so I finally just ended the call.

Hi, Midnight? Could you hurry it up a little bit?