To render desolate...

I knew he wasn't leaving today. He told me he wouldn't be gone today. But somehow when I woke up and realized he was still here it sent me way down. So much of my energy has been focused on the hope that I would have my house to myself by this weekend that I just don't know what to do now that it's not happening. It seems too dramatic to say that I am devastated... but the definition of devastate is "to lay waste; to render desolate; to overwhelm," and that pretty much explains my state of mind.
I will not be ok until he is gone. Every day that he is here it becomes more and more difficult to deal with.
Everyone keeps telling me how amazed they are that I can keep myself together and laugh at the situation... days like this I want to hide and not let anyone see this part of it. On my way to Twist this afternoon and I couldn't stop crying. I almost decided not to go - but Twist is always good for my spirits and tonight was movie night (Pretty Woman). So I pulled myself together (more or less) and I did, in fact, have a good time.
But I'm home now, and he's here and there is no real sign that he's leaving anytime soon.

One funny thing - last night he said, "I want to be out of here as much as you want me out."
Nooooooo, you don't. If you did you'd be gone, and since I can still see you I can tell that I absolutely want you gone more than you want to be gone.

I had a dream that I was out with my whole family and I had a new boyfriend who was significantly younger than me. Really cute and really young. What is that about?!? (OK. I know what that's about. But younger?!? Not this girl). But there were these moments-his hands in my hair and the way he looked at me like I was his entire world - it reminded me so much of someone I used to be in love with. I miss that adoration. That comfort that comes when someone wants to be a part of your world just because you're in it.

You'll have to forgive this wallowing in self-pity... he has to leave soon, right?
Here's hoping that he leaves before I lose my shit completely.