Thanks!

Thanks for all of your support.

It is interesting how our perceptions of our own weakness are so different from our perceptions of other's. A friend emailed me and reminded me that she once (quite recently) came over to my house in the middle of the night and cried and knitted on my couch until the wee hours of the morning. I didn't see that as weak, so why do I see myself as weak? The standards we place on ourselves are always so much higher (and often unattainable) than the standards we place on others. Surely, if I had a friend going through this I would expect her to be a mess from time to time, so why am I so willing to criticize myself for it? (Of course, anyone who knows my mother - or rather, remembers my mother about ten years ago - knows why I am so inwardly critical. My mom has mellowed a LOT recently. I wonder if there is a way to mellow that inner voice?

Yesterday was just a bad day... I know this will all be over soon, but my strength and good humor is definitely wavering. Last night he said he was going to have a lawyer look over the papers next week. He also said that until his name is off the loan and the title he plans to keep a house key and "come and go as he pleases." He said he even wanted to retain the right to "sleep here" if he chose to. I said, "I understand that." But I don't think that he understands that as soon as he signs the papers he has 24 hours to leave and then I can change the locks. And I will. He got up this morning and ran some errands (in my car). When I left he was drinking and playing Playstation and complaining about how much he had thrown up this morning.

(So stop drinking and go to a doctor, idiot).

All through it I keep thinking, "Get the hell out of my house. Get the hell out of my house. Get the hell out of my house." It's pretty much on a continuous loop.

One day soon I will wake up and he will be gone. One day soon there will be no sign of him in my house - or in my life. Emotionally there will probably always be a presence there. A reminder that sometimes people change completely. A reminder to never again let that flip me on my ass.
I spent most of the day in bed today. Sleep is good. Rest is good. Lolling around with the cats is good. I'm at work now, and we have a client here, so my evening won't be as carefree and quiet as I had hoped. But I will knit and I will surf the internets and I will hope that he is asleep by the time I get home.

Maybe next week I will come home to an empty, quiet house.