Frankie Says Relax!

So things are calming down for my friend Marianne. The new baby is figuring things out, everyone is getting a little more sleep and I think she's turning out to be exactly the kind of mom she wants to be. She made an interesting comment - her baby is a really good baby and I said that Bean was the same way and she said she thinks that laid-back, relaxed parents make laid-back, relaxed babies. I agree to a certain extent - though I do know some parents who are more calm than I could ever be who have kids who are NUTS. I also have a friend who is a little poodle of nerves and you would swear her kids are high they're so mellow - of course, her husband is one of those guys who makes you calm just walking in the room. But babies can smell fear and uncertainty like dogs, and I guess when you can't even gold up your own head or control your arms (let alone find food) realizing that the people in charge have NO idea what they're doing might make you a little anxious. You might want to make absolutely sure that they remember you're around and that they can find you in the dark. Imagine how you'd feel if you were, say, on a plane and the pilot hadn't slept in three or four days and you overheard him on the phone with his mother, "I just don't know, mom, it's a plane full of people whose lives are in my hands. What if I screw it up?"

There is also a gender issue involved - now don't get that way. It's true. Ask any mom who has one of each and I'd bet that three out of four of them will agree. Boys are insane until they're done with puberty, girls are insane once they hit puberty. (Both should be locked away during puberty. Far away. In separate countries.) My sister was such a calm mom that I thought my nephew's screaming was somehow hypnotic - he screamed a lot. In a loud and piercing way. Swear to God I have hearing loss from his first few years - and they lived a state away until he was two. (The irony is that he hates loud noises. Movies that are too loud, 4th of July, any sudden really loud noise upsets him). He's a sensitive kid, and at 6 he doesn't cry so much anymore - he gets frustrated and can still be a frightening ball of negative and unreasonable energy with a flair for the dramatic, but he doesn't cry. At three (and four and part of five) if he said, "Next time can we ride on a rocket ship, 'cause I really want to ride in a rocket ship like Buzz Lightyear." And you said, "That would be a lot of fun, but we don't have a rocket ship and there isn't anyplace here to rent one for the day." He would cry. And then he would scream, "BUT I WANT TO RIDE A ROCKET SHIP LIKE BUZZ LIGHTYEAR! I WANT TO I WANT TO I WANT TO!!" And you'd slowly turn the radio up in the car and count backwards to figure out how many seconds left before your sister came to pick him up. I babysat a lot during those years. My sister worked until 7 - but often didn't pick him up until 7:45 or 8. There were days (lots of them) when he would get pouty and say "I miss my mom" and I would say, "Kid, I miss your mom, too."

And I'm a fun aunt!! (We're in the Midwest, by the way, so that's pronounced "ant," not "ohnt"). We fingerpaint and stop for ice cream and make up silly songs and play games. We are also expected to be cooperative and speak respectfully and not be a little booger when things don't go your way. Go with the flow, kid. Bean was confused by his tantrums and would look at him like he had three heads. But then, she grew up with me. I am fun and relaxed and am not so concerned with "the rules" all the time, but there is a time and a place and a mood. Bean gets it. Once at a picnic - she was almost two - she was doing something stupid... probably smearing her ice cream on the dog or something - I looked at her and said, "That is completely inappropriate behavior." The man sitting next to me (a new dad) laughed and said, "You honestly think she understands anything you just said?" Bean looked at him and said, "Mama said no." And she stopped.

This is not to say (or imply) that Bean did not have her share of acting out and tantrums. Ohhhhh no. While her episodes were infrequent, they were certainly impressive. We were in the grocery store once - she was about three - and it was payday and I was in a good mood so when she asked for extra stuff I put it in the basket. A Lunchable, some chocolate milk, a box of crayons and a new coloring book. At some point I said no. She screamed "BUT I WANT IT." I stopped the cart and looked at her - that mom look - for a long couple of seconds and said, "Mommy said no." Stubborn Bean that she is cocked her head and said "Beanie said yes. I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT." I bent down so that my face was level with her face and in the low, mommy voice said something to the effect of, "This is not the behavior I expect from you and you need to figure out what's wrong and fix it pretty quickly because I'm losing my patience. Seriously." She looked me straight in the eye and said "NO!"

Someone once told me that parenthood makes you understand - not condone or participate in, but understand - how child abuse happens. I thought this was a terrible thing to say at the time. Now I totally agree. Sometimes you want to smack the crap out of their little snotty faces. You DON'T, of course.

Here's what you do: You smile and say in a Disney-caliber sweet voice, still at kid-eye level, "Well, you're not acting like a little girl who needs special treats!" And you retrace your steps through the store putting every single extra thing that she wanted back. No crayons "Bye bye crayons!" No coloring book, "See you later, coloring book." No chocolate milk or Lunchable, "We're having tuna sandwiches at home today, maybe next time!" And she'll probably throw a great big fit through the store, into the checkout line and all the way to the car. She'll scream "NONONONONONONO" until she falls asleep in her carseat on the way home (and she'll probably still be muttering "no" quietly in her sleep) but you've done the right thing and she's learned that tantrums in public mean that not only do you not get what you wanted at the time, you also don't get anything else fun. In time she'll also learn that when she's acting like a moron in public and mom gets all calm, stops arguing and smiles she's gone too far. In time, she'll figure it out that when you look at her for too long with your eyebrows raised that you expect her behavior to change. This doesn't mean she'll never throw another tantrum - they're kids. They can't always be reasonable. Hell, we're adults and we can't always be reasonable.

As your child squirms out of control, ask yourself if advanced planning would have helped. Sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes they're just being a booger-head and you need to get the heck out of the situation.
The trick is to figure out why the tantrum is happening. Sometimes it is totally justified - you can only expect so much from people under 5. If you are in line at the DMV and you've been there for more than thirty minutes and you don't have a snack and a couple of little activities or toys in your purse you are totally at fault. If you are going toy shopping for a birthday party and you don't de-brief the child in the car before you step into the store (We're buying a birthday present for Matthew now, ok? This is not the day we buy toys for you, toys today are for Matthew,") and then reinforce that as you put them in the shopping cart ("Remember, toys are for Matthew today") and then in every aisle, ("These aren't toys for Matthew, lets look at the next aisle. Do you think Matthew likes Dragon Tales?") you're setting yourself (and the kid) up for a very bad day. Bean is almost ten and I still enter every shopping opportunity with the statement "I'm not buying anything extra today."

And sometimes you just have to ignore them. In the grocery store again, Bean is two or so, and because I am so unreasonable that I expect her to sit in the cart with the seatbelt on and NOT throw her juice cup at me she starts to scream. Not words, just screaming. I give her the mom look. I say her full name. I say it louder. But the kid has herself closed off to me. Eyes shut, body rigid, mouth open and louuuuuud. So I took a deep breath and started pushing the cart again. She stopped screaming, un-squinted one eye and looked at me. I examined some grapes. She took a breath and started again. I selected a few apples. Calm and serene on the outside, totally embarrassed on the inside. A few people looked at me like I was beating her with a stick. I just kept shopping. An older woman came up to me in Dairy and said, "I just wanted to tell you that you're doing a really good job." I almost cried. I was doing the right thing!!! About halfway through the store she stopped, as suddenly as she had begun. I handed her juice cup back to her. She said "Ti-tou, baby," (she never just said 'thank you' it was always 'thank you, baby.' I have no idea why). She drank some juice, hummed a little tune. She was normal Bean again.

Imagine how hard parenting would be if they knew how much we didn't know! (Teen years, here I come!!)