I Would be Happy Forever if...

... Fig Newtons (and Strawberry Newtons) were HFCS free. And also Oreos. Because Oreos will kill you. But I think that's the saturated fat thing... so none of that either.

... I could have my current brain implanted in my body from high school.

... Someone would pay me to knit and read and watch TV and sleep. (Especially the sleep part).

... Chocolate really was a food group.

... There was such a thing as "sex leave" from work. You know, like vacation and sick days, only with lots of sex.

... I could drink water all day and only have to pee ONCE!!

... There really was a "smart" pill that you could hand out. This would be especially good in large-crowd situations. And also at work.

... I had a maid. But one who wouldn't judge me when she found all of the fast-food wrappers and empty Ben and Jerry's pints. And who also wouldn't go all snoopy in my "adult" drawer.

... I had a cook. So I could avoid the fast food... but probably not the Ben and Jerry's.

... I could do that "Bewitched" nose-thing. I think that would be handy. Then maybe I wouldn't need the maid or the cook.

... I could take all of my friends on a tropical vacation. But without sunburns, sand in your swimsuit, jellyfish stings, or that thing that happened to Charlotte. You know.

... Smoking wasn't bad for you. And also, while we're on that subject, make pot legal too.