Four Months

Has it really been that long?
Has it only been that long?

There is a client tonight who has been asleep since before I got here. She apparently refused to shower or eat. I tried to go in and wake her at dinner time and I got to her door and couldn't make myself knock. This big roar of panic pushed through me and my hands were shaking. It's not the same situation at all, but I couldn't help thinking I would walk in there and find her dead.
I just kept thinking about that night... finding him like that after weeks of watching him refuse to participate in his own life. Watching him refuse to eat anything I cooked. Weeks of listening to him vomit every day. Weeks of his anger and rage.

Weeks of thinking that he had so much in common with the clients I saw.

Weeks of slowly allowing myself to become more mute and helpless.

I ended up taking a break and asking the therapist working tonight to try.
The other clients were watching TV and didn't see anything, so that's good I guess.

I don't want to go home tonight.
But of course I will... and I'll be fine.
That "big roar" of panic has subsided, now I just feel empty and hollow. I will go home and I will get some rest and I will get up tomorrow and go to work. Just like always.