Grief

Oh there has been so much time since my last post... but really? There has been nothing interesting going on. I have been down and tired and it's still migraine season apparently. None of that makes for interesting writing.

My Family Therapy class is over. I have one more thing to write, but that's due next week. There is plenty of time for me to procrastinate. One interesting thing: yesterday in class we covered "special topics" and had 4 guest speakers. One of the speakers covered grief and the family. After my stunning performance the last time we discussed grief in class I was overjoyed. This time I took half a Xanax and focused on breathing... but I did still learn some stuff.
Apparently, in the first year following the death there are typically four or five separate peaks of sadness... and the 3-month point is one of them. So this weird funk that I've been in and the way that I have been mentally retreating from everything is all totally normal.

I hate normal.

Yesterday when I got home (after what had been a long but relatively good day) there was an envelope from my mother-in-law in the mail. I knew right away what it was and I froze for a minute... the world did that tilt thing. Bean went into caretaker mode, but I said, "No, I'm OK. And this is just going to hurt." So she sat next to me as I opened the envelope that contained my copies of the death certificate. And I cried. A lot. Again.

This is going to sound dumb...
I know he is dead. I mean, I was there and I touched him and I KNOW he is dead. But now he is officially, unconditionally and completely dead. Now there is proof.

I guess it's sort of the equivalent of receiving your divorce papers in the mail... you know it's coming, but when you get them it's hard all over again. Even when Bean's dad and I got divorced - we had been separated for years before we actually divorced. We were both with other people and we had figured out how to be friends... We even held hands as we walked into the lawyer's office to start the process. Even then when I got the final papers I was sad.

So I am sad. And in a "typical grief" emotional peak. I am still standing, though. Still getting out of bed. Still moving forward.