Better

Today I feel less fragile... less foggy.

Though last night was odd...
The doorbell rang at 9:30 and I got scared. "Fight or flight" scared. It was just a guy trying to sell newspaper subscriptions, but he was really pushy about it and I felt very alone and exposed. After he left I was jumpy and nervous about being alone in the house. (I know what at least one of you is thinking and no, I do not need a gun. For the love of sheep).

I also did some cleaning last night and found more of Bartleby's things. I don't know if I will keep any of them or not. I have decided to wait until Bean gets home and ask her if she wants anything. She has been really sentimental about him lately... I think my forgiveness theory has legs. I also feel (today anyway) that the man he was - the man who loved us - would be happy with the fact that we are starting to be happy now.
I am starting to forgive myself for letting it get so bad before I acted... and I am starting to feel more like myself than I have for a long time. I am also starting to loosen my grip on the idea that marrying him was the biggest mistake I ever made. Dismissing four years of my life as "total mistake" is not helpful.

I have been working half-days this week and sleeping in. I have had the most bizarre dreams - they are almost bad dreams, but not quite. It's like they could slip over and become unpleasant, but they manage to hold steady until I wake. And they include the strangest ties with reality.
In one of my dreams I was out to dinner with Lara and Shelly and Michelle and Sally and our server (a Kiersten, of course) took Lara's knitting bag. It was a small pink bag... one that I actually own, but I don't think Lara has one. The rest of the dream was me trying to get it back for her.
In another dream I was on an island somewhere with Michelle and Bean and a lot of people I didn't know and we were supposed to meet for dinner but I couldn't find the restaurant... I just kept walking up and down these streets and sometimes Bean was with me and sometimes she was with Michelle.

Analyze away... I'm just happy that neither of them starred Bartleby.

Tonight I have a hot date with some of my favorite women! It's going to be great fun - even though it is going to take place outside. (I don't like the outside).