Exhausting

Being OK is just flat out exhausting.

And I am OK.
Mostly.
But I don't realize how much effort goes into it all until I am about to collapse. By then it's usually too late... sort of like the early days of potty training - only with more crying and less pee.
The worst part was going to pick Bean up from my parents. They bowl on Thursdays... with lots of people from my mom's office. Lots of people who know what happened and who really want to know that I'm OK.
And I am OK.
Mostly.
But picking Bean up was at the end of a very (very) long day and the more tired I get the less OK I am. After about the hundredth sad look and concerned smile I got that prickly feeling in my throat... that "way too many people here" feeling. We came home and I made some orzo with marinara and lots of cheese.

I did have one sort of funny thing happen today... there is a therapy group for kids and their families after the death of a family member. They called me back today and while we were doing the initial intake the woman on the other end of the phone figured out that we are in the same MSW program and she is, in fact, in one of my classes this semester.
"You haven't been in class lately!" She said.
"Um, my husband died," I reminded her, "class seemed somewhat more than I could accomplish."
"Oh! Right!"

For the love of sheep.

But I am back in class - for what it's worth. I think I can make up what's missing in my addictions class... if I work my ass off and fudge a little. But my other class might be too far gone. I don't want to face it, but I can't afford to fail and I can't quit now.

It is just really difficult to think about working my ass off for class when all I want to do is crawl under the bed and just stop.

But I'm OK.
Mostly.