At Peace

I just got home from the funeral.
It was a lovely service. (Isn't that what people say?)
The (wonderful) amazing part was how many people came. My mom's whole department came. Almost everyone from the station came. The therapist I work with on Sunday nights came. People I worked with last year at Hospice came. All of his friends from high school were there... some of whom I had not seen since we were all in high school.

There was a lot of hugging and crying and also some laughing. It was exactly what he would have wanted and that feels good.

Thank you all for your comments and prayers and good thoughts. Bean and I are doing pretty well, considering.

His mother was concerned because they couldn't find his wedding ring. (He lost it over the summer). Before the funeral started I slipped my band off and my mom put it on him for me. Our marriage was good in the beginning and I have to believe that if he hadn't been so sick for so long that it would have stayed good. Finding out that he had an undiagnosed illness that has been brewing for years and years really helped me understand the last year or so of our lives together. He was probably sick long before we even got married.

I am at peace with this now. It may be a long time before I can get rid of the image of how I found him, but emotionally and spiritually I am at peace. (Yes, I know this is a process and that could change in less than a heartbeat).

I know that I did everything that I could do for him, and I loved him as well as I could. It is terrible that a 30-year-old man could die. It is terrible that his intelligence and kindness and potential are gone.

His best friend is coming over tomorrow to go through some of his things, and another friend will be by this weekend to pick up everything else so that I don't even have to worry about that.