Anonymous Asked

I got an email the other day. An anonymous post on this blog asking if I'm doing OK since it's been a long time since I've posted.

Yes, I'm fine.
Also? Nope, not fine at all.

In October I had an endometrial ablation... basically they cauterized my uterus to stop uncontrollable bleeding. Seriously not as horrible as it sounds and I have loved the results so far.

Not fun.

In November I had a lump removed from my ear. (Benign). It was so large they had to remove skin from behind my ear to graft to the skin on front of my ear. It was supposed to be a "simple procedure." I had about ten stitches behind my ears and about 30 around the graft. It was really gross and a titch painful.

I had no idea how long the recovery process would be. It's almost two months later and it's still painful and healing. And of course it's the side I sleep on, which means I'm not sleeping well. Since November.

I'm still at The Evil Empire, they love me and think I'm a "wonderful asset to the company" and love the way I handle the tough clients I have... but a week before Christmas they told me that they need me to do it better and faster and more or they'll have to let me go.

I did miss some time, what with the two surgeries and all, but that doesn't seem to matter in their grand scheme of things.

Of course, the way The Evil Empire works is that they will suggest that I resign rather than fire me, which is kinder than it sounds. If you get fired you'll never work for the county again.

Christmas Day I spent in the ER in considerable pain - we thought it was my gallbladder. If we're counting that would have been three surgeries in three months. Not good.
I spent six hours in the ER and in the end it was like shaking a $200 Magic 8 Ball that also dispenses pain meds. Nobody knew why I was in pain or why even the IV Demerol wouldn't touch it. It wasn't my heart or gallbladder or lungs though, which was some comfort but not much.
By Monday the pain was radiating down my right arm and side and the skin was numb and also sensitive to pressure... which reminded me a lot of how I felt when I had shingles ten years ago.

Shingles just happens to be caused by weakened immune system and high stress. Interesting.Also? Nerve pain looks at pain killers and laughs so hard it pees a little. And that hurts too.

Tuesday my Dr said, "Yup, it's shingles. Go home and sleep for a week."

So that's what I did.

My job was not happy at all, but I had a note.

So this week I'm feeling better. Well, comparatively better anyway. If you've had shingles you'll know what I mean. The pain doesn't make me want to run into oncoming traffic anymore.

I'm behind and my stats suck but it's getting better. I've put in a couple of 12-hour days this week, but I'm working on fixing that.

So that's how I am... tired and stressed and recovering. Pretty much the same as always!

I'll update more often just in case there's anyone left to read this!

Oh My GOD With the Busy

Remember?
Remember when I only had three clients and I was bored?? Remember those days??

I have eight clients now and I am pretty busy. And four of them were assigned to me within the last week. Add that to the fact that the server has been down for two days and things are downright CRAZY!!!

Last week was pretty terrible, with the heat and the kids who wanted to kill me. (Literally kill me. Had to be restrained from all of the wanting to kill me). Sigh. I'm hoping for fewer death threats this week at least. I do still spend an alarming amount of time thinking, "What AM I supposed to do here??" I just keep muddling through. I'm sure someone will tell me if I screw something up.

I went bowling this morning with anothern case manager and a client she is transferring to me. (I know, bowling does not sound like a therapeutic activity... but we were able to talk about a LOT of things in two games). It was fun and the client seems to be really sweet; no death threats anyway. The only bad thing at all was that for some reason I was sweating like I was doing cardio. It was so horrible!! It wasn't particularly hot at the bowling alley, and even I am "in shape" enough to bowl without raising my heart rate... but I looked like I had just stepped out of the shower. I hope I can get through the rest of the afternoon without becoming Water-girl again.

I did manage to pack my lunch and bring it with me this morning so I'm feeling very smart and full and thrifty... even though I spent $25 on my new lunch box. (Its a Goodbyn and I loooooooooove it). I really do believe that if I can just find the "right" lunch box I will magically be transformed into someone who packs a healthy, inexpensive, satisfying lunch every day and who never drives through Wendy's for the 99-cent chicken sandwich. (Mmmmm, chicken sandwich...)

OK, off I go!

Tick, tick, tick

In a month I will be busy.

That's my current mantra. For now I'm just watching the clock. Every two hours I go feed the meter and at the end of the day I get to go home.

I have three clients now, which does not quite fill 40 hours a week. A "full caseload" for me is allegedly 10 (as opposed to my previous 28). The other specialist is down to 5 now... so we'll see. For now I see my three whole clients and write my three whole case notes and then I offer to do stuff for other people in the office (while reminding them that they shouldn't get used to it because in a month I will be busy).

Some days I'm just a really well-educated, high-paid errand girl.

It's not so bad.

I think I have lured my office mate into the dark world of knitting... heh heh heh. I'm going to start her on a washcloth and see if it takes.

Bean has been with her dad every other week and it has made for a really nice summer. She's gone for a week and I miss her and then we have a week to do stuff together and have fun and then she goes back. I sometimes wish her dad lived in town and we could do this year-round. Then I think about the unfortunate hair cut she got a few weeks ago and then I remember why this would not be a good plan.

It is amazing to me that summer is half over and school will be starting soon... I still get the back-to-school pangs and feel an overwhelming urge to buy filler paper and pink erasers. (You know, for Bean).

The fun thing about this job was that I got to go buy markers and crayons and colored pencils to use with my clients. Also, Uno and regular playing cards and I am seriously contemplating a Play-Doh aquisition. With kids - especially MR/DD kids - getting them to play helps them engage and then they open up just a little bit.

I'm feeling better about leaving Mac. Keeping in contact with some of my former co-workers has helped... I keep up on the gossip and the crazy office politics and that reminds me why sometimes a larger office is better. I'm sure there is office drama here, and I'm sure there are politics at play, but I just do my little job and go home and I just don't get involved. It takes a lot less energy. My plan is to stay under the radar, only coming into view when I volunteer to do something (like man the booth at the kids mental health fair next month - because I am crazy like that).

There are opportunities for advancement and it has been suggested to me that I go for them... and I am moving in that direction... slowly. I really don't know what I want from this job. Every time I think I know what I want from something I get something else entirely... so I'm just going to hold still for awhile and see what happens.

Like a ninja.

Fine

Friday night someone asked me if I was still blogging and I said, "Yes!" without hesitation. Then I realized how long its been since I posted anything.

My last day at work was the best and worst last day ever. I felt loved and missed and sad. I spent that weekend mostly in bed feeling like I had made the worst mistake of my life and started my new job without a shred of energy or motivation. Good times.

The first two weeks felt like a conference with all of the trainings and weirdness... I kept reminding myself that I wasn't going back to Mac and it hurt every time. Things are evening out now, and I'm finding my own pace.

The truth is that it's not so bad. I don't love this job, and I miss my old job, but this really was a good move for me. And the reason I haven't been blogging much is because that's really all I have to say about it. I'm not even ambivalent and conflicted about it. I just don't have any strong feelings about it at all and I feel really blank.

Maybe that will make me more effective because I won't get so caught up in everything.

Or something.

Things are good at home... Bean is having a much better summer (despite an unfortunate hair cutting incident in which the idiot stepmother - who is not a cosmetologist - decided she needed bangs). Me working in town has been really positive for her. My house is still a giant mess, but I am feeling more organized and on top of things than I have in awhile.

The cats are nuts-o as always. We came home Saturday and found three skeins of yarn in weird places and a hairball thoughtfully placed on a towel on my bed. Also they have fleas. My inside cats have fleas. Which means I gave them fleas. Super. I have ordered some flea junk and hopefully by next weekend we will be once again flea-free.

I've also seen my friends more often and we restarted swim night at mom's house...

Everything is just... fine...

So why do I feel so empty??

Counting Down

My last day is a week from tomorrow. I'm still a little bit in denial about it.

I have spent this week training my replacement. That has been interesting. She's going to be fine as soon as the "deer in the headlights" phase passes. The funny thing is that there are times, especially in the afternoon, when she says, "What do you usually do now?" and the real answer is, "Hang out and gossip." The training answer is, "Let's look at some of the client schedules."

And we've all been on our best behavior. She is young (24) and ... sheltered (raised Holdeman Mennonite) ... and everyone in my highly inappropriate department has been scared to death that they would offend her or scare her away.
She's fine.
She even had a margarita at dinner tonight. Everyone was shocked... but the thing I've noticed about her is that while she does not use bad language or gossip about people (so far) she does seem really amused when we do.

It just feels weird to help someone feel at home when I am really not ready to move on.

I will get there. I'm sure I will.

In eleven days I'll be coming home from my own first day at my new job... I'll probably be exhausted and overwhelmed and have the "deer in the headlights" thing going on. I will be sad and I will miss my crew...

But my commute will be shorter.

Some Kind of Blue

I haven't yet turned on the air conditioner. The cats have responded by alternately napping on low, cool spots and napping on my head while I try to sleep. I think it's a sort of protest... but I can't stand to turn on the A/C before it's really really necessary, just like I can't stand to turn the heat on in the winter until the cats start knitting little hats and boots out of their own discarded fur.

I hate how much money I spend on "essentials" like electricity and water, as it seriously impedes my ability to afford the things I really need: more yarn and books and dinners out with friends.

And my friends are all doing fine-ish... some better than others. We're all so busy with the way things are going that we haven't had a lot of time (or energy) for each other. It happens. That has made me sad, but what is there to do? We communicate in the same way I communicate with my friends who live far, far away: email, texts, Facebook and Twitter. Sometimes life gets in the way and that has to be enough.

I think that is one of the reasons this job change is causing me so much grief. My work friends will never come close to how important my friend friends are, but lately I spend most of my awake time with them. I see them every day. I eat with them and laugh with them and we all go through the same frustrations and craziness during the day. I doubt I will retain my relationships with more than one or two of them, but right now they're filling a void.

I miss my friends.

There is just so much going on. Everyone is busy and every one has something that is occupying a good percentage of her time.

And I'm not really complaining... I am just as occupied and unavailable as everyone else. Maybe this new job will help with some of that. I'll at least be here. That's ten more hours a week that I can be present for them and for my kid. (She is doing very well right now, thanks for asking!)

I'm back in that place I hoped I would grow out of years and years ago. I'm in the transition place. The "where do I fit into the world" place. I look ahead to June 14th and I imagine myself eating lunch alone at my new desk instead of sharing communal lunch with my team. I imagine hours of reading through policy manuals and meeting scores of people whose names will refuse to stick with me for weeks. And from what I've seen there are a lot of fake nails, processed hair and pantsuits in my future. How am I ever going to fit in there?

(I know. I'm going to do my job and do it well and I'm going to find my place there. Just as soon as I convince myself to want to).

Never Say Never

I love my job. I love pretty much everything about it. I love the people I work with, I love my clients, I love the "can do" attitude that even corporate seems to embrace... I even love driving an hour each way. (I just finished listening to The Fountainhead and started The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo).
My department has grown very close and we support each other and have a great deal of fun every day.

But...

The cost of gas is killing me. I drive about 600 miles a week, I get about 17 miles to the gallon and gas is nearly $3 a gallon. I don't do the math on that... it's too depressing to contemplate... and I thought that on my sad little case manager's salary I could make it work.

I can't. Seriously.

So even though I said from the beginning that only the VA could tempt me away from my job, and even though I SWORE I would never again work for The Evil Empire, I have accepted a position with them. I start on June 14th.

The good things are: it's a 5 minute drive, my caseload will be about 2/3 smaller, I know (and like) my supervisor and I can get clinical experience.

The bad things are: it's The Evil Empire and I will miss (miss, miss) the people here. Also? Again, EVIL EMPIRE, people. I'm probably going to get killed when The Rebel Alliance blows up The Death Star. Seriously.

(In an interesting note, I got my official "welcome to The Evil Empire" letter... there were typos. I'm just saying).

Maybe it won't be as terrible as it feels.

Sideways World

Anyone watching Lost this season?
(Worry not, dear reader, this is not a long fan-post, it's just a jumping-off point).

This season the writers have created this third reality that Michelle and I have been calling Sideways World. In their Sideways World, the plane never crashed on the island and the characters get off the plane and go on with their lives as planned... except that there are weird little things that didn't exist at the beginning of the series. One of the characters, for instance, suddenly has a son that didn't exist in the beginning. Confusing, I know, but that's what Lost is best at.

So it got me thinking about my own version of Sideways World and that has turned into this weird fantasy that occupies me at weird times. I start thinking about the people in my life and the people I have lost and I wonder where they would be in Sideways World.

Maybe I would not have met Jeff. Maybe I would never have gone back to school... maybe I would have three kids and my sister would be a doctor.

Maybe I would be living with a very sweet man who would make me laugh and bring me tea when I felt crummy.

Maybe I would be happier.

I have also been reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert (read it, seriously, but read Eat, Pray, Love first) and she spends a lot of time talking about the glut of choices that we have in this society and how those choices are a blessing and a curse. For every choice we make there can be dozens of roads not taken, dozens of maybes. These "maybes" have the potential to make us completely insane.

There are some things in my Sideways world Fantasy that I know would be different... mostly small things, really, like my car would be new and I would have a maid and a hot tub... and there is the small matter of that very sweet man... but of the big decisions in my life I don't know what I would change.
Even my big mistakes had a purpose...

But I still find myself sitting in the back yard, listening to the sounds of my neighborhood settling in for the night and I think about how things are going in Sideways World.

Two Years

In some ways my life is so completely different than it was two years ago: job, mindset, perspective. I'm happier and more settled than I have been in a long time... which is weird for me... but in other ways I am just treading water.

There is no mystery or coincidence to the fact that the relationships I have had in the last two years have been with people who are completely unavailable. I am absolutely terrified of anything that might have a future, completely unwilling to risk that kind of dependence. I completely underestimated the emotional damage that my marriage caused.

I have forgiven him (for the most part) and I am working on forgiving myself... I am not angry with him anymore for not fighting harder, but I am still mourning the loss of that potential. We were supposed to have a life together and he was supposed to be the other half of me. I still don't feel whole without him.

But it's getting better.

I am healing and trying to grow... and some of the walls I built need to come down and that is scary.

Maybe in two more years I'll be ready to trust myself with a real relationship.

Or not.

Bad Timing, Buddy

Updates first...
First - Work last week was CRAZY. And not good crazy. Peyton Place, Drama Llama, people crying and jobs were on the line crazy. I was just an observer, but people I care about were in the middle of some serious shit. It was a tense and stifled place to be and I hopehopehope we can all take a breath and have a more normal week next week.

Second - I still have hair. I should have done it right away, before I had a chance to think about it and consider my job. I should have done it before I applied for a part-time weekend job with the county. I should have done it before I chickened out.
I suck. Though I may end up with a compromise and shave the "under layers" of my hair. Lord knows I have enough of it that losing a few layers wouldn't upset too many corporate killjoys...

Third - Yes, you read that right, I applied for a part time job at The Evil Empire once again. I'm hoping it won't suck out ALL of my soul and will make it possible to buy a better car.

Finally - It's the end of March and I am OK. I am. I have been more emotional and more likely to hide out, but all things considered I'm fine. Mostly. I'm not making any promises for Tuesday, but right this second things are smooth.

In other news, for reasons too stupid to mention my ex-boyfriend was (briefly) in my house on Friday with Bean when I wasn't home. (There is a reason he was there, he did have permission from another adult - just not exactly from me). Then he texted me from the house pretending that he was Bean using his phone - but I know her texts and it wasn't her. Then he sent me an email. And then when I logged on to a social website I found a message from him there.

Bad timing, dude.

And it's not like he's not aware that the end of March is a difficult time (read: emotional cluster fuck) for me. He was, you know, present for all of that. So he's either stupid, cruel or totally insensitive. ("D, All of the Above" anyone?)

I could ignore the intrusion into my house, and I could ignore the texts and I could ignore the email... but all of that with the message thrown in was just a little too much. I send a brief but pointed message back.

So he responds back with this "Woe is me" bullshit about how loving me scares him. Um. Yeah, if that's what you think love looks like I totally understand. The way you "loved" me is scary as hell. Gives me the shivers just thinking about feeling like that again!
Then he did the typical, "I'm a bad person and just can't express what I feel so hate me if you must."
Really? Really?!?
Oh, Sweetie, I've got nothing left in me for you and it takes actually being able to feel something to hate someone.
He also tried to turn it back on me... like I had demanded more of a relationship than he was willing to give. Well... now that I think about it, I did demand that he not fuck anyone else while we were together and that was more than he was willing to give.
Mea fucking culpa.
I did respond to his whining... he may have noticed that I am no longer pulling my punches with him. Someone ought to warn him that the next step in the progression is to aim lower.

Once bitten, twice shy, third time carry a weapon.

Is it May yet?? I need to get the fuck out of town and I need my Gene fix. I may have to figure out a way to get up there before my work trip.

Sacrifice and Grace

I have a love-love relationship with my hair. It is thick and soft and shiny.
I like to hide behind it and run my fingers through it and I almost never put any kind of product in it because I love the way it moves on its own.

My hair has been long enough to sit on and as short as a boy's and every length in between. I've had bangs and no bangs. It's been all one length and layered almost mercilessly. I have had a perm or two - but not for almost 20 years. It has been every shade of red: an almost black-purple, fiery orange, dark magenta, auburn. It has been highlighted and low-lighted and been the test-dummy for countless color technique classes.

When I got married the first time and we had less than no money I actually cried the first time I had to buy shampoo at the grocery store. I felt guilty for treating it so badly.

The main drawbacks of my hair are that it refuses to hold a curl and if I don't wash it every day it is greasy and horrible. Really? All things considered? Those are not things that are difficult to manage. I love the smell of shampoo and the soft weight of hair on my face when I sleep.

It is the one thing about myself that I have never been unhappy with.

Every boy I've ever loved has loved my hair... one boy loved it so much that when he left me I cut it all off. When he saw me next he got this look of grief on his face and unconsciously reached out a hand toward the ends of what was left before I took a step backwards and he remembered he wasn't supposed to touch me. It felt good that something I did affected him because for most of our relationship nothing seemed to. It made me wish I'd shaved it off just to intensify that.

But that would have been crazy. It would have been crazy to shave my head for any boy...
But...
Someone I love is sick.
Someone I love more than the comfort of the glossy swing of my hair.
Someone I love has had tests and surgeries and more tests and waiting.
Someone I love will be fine, but the road to fine is long and bumpy and scary.

I would take on all of it for her if I could. I would fix it. Fix. It.
But I can't. I can't make it better or change it. But I can sacrifice the one thing about myself I love the most so that someone I love doesn't have to be bald by herself.
She is so brave and amazing and I am so scared and small.

It is not about me. It is not even about the hair really. I know that this sacrifice is infinitesimally small compared to her experience of her illness and recovery.
This is merely a gesture, dramatic as it may be.
My hair will grow back - and in my experience it will grow back quickly. This time next year will probably look very much as it does right this second. And while she will absolutely recover, emotionally this will take more time for her. And I don't even know how to help her with that. I don't remember how the healing of my own emotional trauma began two years ago, but I do know that I am still not healed. Better. But not healed.

I practiced today with scarves. I've looked online for instructions about tying them.

I hope when the time comes to make this sacrifice I will handle it as gracefully and beautifully as she has handled the last few months. I hope this gesture - dramatic but small - will offer some kind of comfort to her.

What's New??

Um.... nothing.

My life continues in its little figure eight.
Nothing really to report these days... work and home and home and work...
Home could be cleaner, work could be less hectic, but all in all things are just stable.
Weird.

I am almost finished with the Destroyed Cowl, though I'm in that black hole of knitting where I knit and knit and knit and it doesn't seem to get much bigger. That's frustrating because I really want to get to the dropping stitches part. That's my favorite bit of the Clapotis, so I imagine I'll like it as much with this one.

Bean and I are doing well at home... she spent Valentine's day in Oklahoma with her dad. She usually has a good time with them, but it's so nice for both of us when she comes home. She is so independent, it's nice to know that she wants to hang out with me even when she doesn't have to!

I've been reading a little bit... The Children's Book was the last Literary Feast book and I liked it a lot. I'm also reading Committed. It's weird for me after ten years in radio to have a job where I can't read or knit regularly. I do get a lot of audio book listening done... but there is relatively no literary value to the book I'm listening to right now.

AND work is good... we continue to have completely inappropriate conversations at work. Tuesday, for example, we discussed phone sex, Ben Wa balls and "who would you do for ten million dollars?" (My answer was, "All y'all, just show me the money and line the fuck up." Because I'm classy like that). And I am not the most inappropriate person in the group. Seriously.

So I'm off to take a bath and read a little.

Valentine's Day

I am alone this year... and you'd think that would be a bad thing. Depressing and lonely...
Last year I thought I had someone who loved me, and that someone bought me roses and a big stuffed gorilla... and then couldn't take me out ON Valentine's day because he was taking his actual girlfriend (who he claimed was just a friend) to see a comedian. Oh, and he needed Bean to babysit.
Oh yes. My child babysat. While he took his real girlfriend out. On Valentine's day.
That was the beginning of the end of that relationship.
I know.
That should have been the end of the end. But I think I just needed to see how far he would let it go. The answer to that was pretty fucking far, but that is a whole nother story and mostly I'm trying to just letitgo. Something along the lines of "once bitten, twice shy, third time use a taser."

So you'll maybe understand why this year has been so much better.

Friday night I had what turned out to be the best date I've been on in YEARS. He was attentive and funny and engaging and we talked and laughed until 2am... at which point he went home to his husband and I went home to the cats. Bean has been trying to tell me that we needed a gay boyfriend to complete our lives. And I do live this guy. He was one of my favorite teachers when I was getting my Master's and now he's becoming a good friend. Love that.

Saturday I went to Twist, and bought the yummiest yarn to start my Destroyed Cowl. Its Mochi Plus - worsted version of the oh so lovely Mini Mochi.

Of course I also had to buy the matching Mini Mochi to make socks to match... I'm thinking it might be possible to make a "destroyed sock," but I'm still in the planning stages of that one. I'll let you know.
I had heard from others who made this cowl that it becomes tedious - as 45 inched of stockinette can. I'm almost half way through it and so far I'm still having a great time. Maybe it's the color changes, or maybe it's because I am just feeling peaceful, but I'm still loving this and I can't wait for the magic of the organized destruction at the end.

Then I had dinner with Deb and Katie - and we laughed and talked and ate the BEST chocolate cake I've had in a long time... It was so big and so good that I had to take the rest home. I also bought myself a lovely little Valentine's present. No flowers or boxes of chocolates - those will be half price tomorrow anyway. I bought the little mini laptop that I have been wanting, and I love it as much as I thought I would. It's perfect and light and has a little Bluetooth USB thingy that allows it to connect to the internets through my Blackberry.
LoveLoveLove.

Today I went to the used book store, grocery shopping, cleaned and watched In Bruges, Sin Nombre and Live Free or Die Hard...
And worked on my cowl.
And ate my leftover cake.
For lunch I had crusty bread with butter and honey and apples and Havarti.

In a little while I'm going to take a long, hot bath and read a book.
It really is all about the love.

In the Dark and Snow

I don't think it's over-dramatizing things to sat that my drive to work this monrning was terrifying. That's looking back now, after 5 hours have passed and there is light outside.

I needed to be in my office by 7:00, so I woke up at 5:30. You know me, unless I'm still up at 5:30 I don't want to be anywhere near awake at 5:30.

It was snowing and dark and the roads were covered with snow. There wasn't solid ice, but the slushiness of the asphalt made it slick, and I had a big green sled when I was a child that had better traction than my big green truck. The biggest issue was the falling snow. It wasn't heavy, really, but in the dark snow is a whole other beast. The way it was blowing - slanting to the right without any light but my headlights made me feel dizzy and a little disoriented at times, and for most of the drive the center lines were covered so I couln't even find my bearings at times. I was really afraid I was going to just drive right off the road into a field.

I slowed down and turned my radio off and kept breathing.

I was afraid to pull over - what if someone slid and hit me? I was afraid to pull off the highway - what if fear and panic wouldn't let me get back on?

I kept thinking, "I don't know how much longer I can do this." And I meant I didn't know how much longer this morning I could continue to force myself to keep driving. And I meant I don't know how much longer I can continue to make this drive... I know that I either need to move closer to work or work closer to home.

And I think I also meant that I am tired and the sadness that had lifted in early fall is starting to close in again and it makes me so physically tired. This morning in my car in the dark and the snow I wanted more than anything to go back to those dark days of last summer when I couldn't get out of bed. And feeling nostalgic about that was scarier than the weather.

I guess I just take it slow and careful like I did this morning. Keep breathing and stay between the lines as much as possible. Find the quiet and the calm... and avoid the trucks that thunder past, spraying me with mud and ice.

Except That I'm Too Tired to Breathe

So the good news is that I didn't have to use any of my precious few "PTO" hours for my sick day last week.
The bad news is that I have been working marathon hours. And not entirely on purpose. I even dream about clients. Seriously. All night. You'd think I could get some time off while I'm in my jammies at least!!

I don't even have a coherent narrative of what I did today... I know my day started with hastily gulped coffee for strength on my way to an appointment with one client and ended with an lesson to another client on how to use Amazon.com to buy used Sweet Valley High books (a lesson which I am uniquely qualified to teach). Somewhere in the middle I had to coax another client onto the bus by pretending to play "Red Rover" with him. And there was Valentine Bingo and dodge ball (heh heh, oh yeah). And there were several hours of paperwork and phone calls.

Tomorrow morning I have to get up and do it all over again.

And I'm too tired to breathe.

I'm not complaining, really. Four jobless months let me know that I am lucky to have this job. And I love it... but I do need to get a handle on my schedule. Even if I hadn't needed to make up 8 hours I would have been working these hours just because of how appointments were scheduled. I don't want to burn out. And I need to be home in the evenings before 8.

I also need to organize my kitchen and shopping list so that I can embrace all things Crock-pot.

Bean has been a real trooper. Last night I was back in time for her concert, so I haven't ENTIRELY abandoned her to the wolves. (Or, you know, cats).

I need a snack and I need a pillow.

What a week.

One of my clients died suddenly in her sleep, so the entire week felt surreal and gasping. I've only been at the company for four months (holy cats has it only been four months?!?) but I had a lot of one on one time with her. She was funny and caring and sweet and I am lucky that I got to know her. Tomorrow is the funeral, so I'm heading back to Mac in the morning. She had just survived cancer... and she had a cold last week, but otherwise appeared to be fine. Some of my coworkers had known her for more than ten years, so it's been rough on everyone.

I was also sick this week, sick enough to take the day off on Thursday. M died on Tuesday and all day I felt like I was going to throw up. The shock of it, and the increased adrenaline. Wednesday morning my head ached and my arms and legs felt leaden. I attributed this to grief... and the absolute last thing I wanted to do was face the other clients. My responsibility was to comfort them and help them through it... but I just didn't feel like I had the energy to deal with it.

Wednesday when I got home I made dinner (french bread and mozzarella grilled cheese with marinara sauce - my nummy twist on grilled cheese and tomato soup) and then went right to bed. Seriously. At 7:30.

When I woke up on Thursday my head was pounding and I was dizzy and everything hurt. I rarely call in sick - I don't have enough leave built up, and losing 8 hours somehow puts me more than 8 hours behind. But I slept and I slept and I slept, and then I had a restorative Icee from Walgreens... I do SO love Walgreens, and now they're even better what with the Icees and all.

This morning I felt better - not quite 100%, but good enough to make it through meetings and the metric ton of paperwork involved in the death of a client. Since I have to be in Mac tomorrow anyway I'm going to work a few make-up hours. While I hate working on Saturdays it will keep next week from kicking my ass!!

So laundry tonight... it's such a glamorous life I lead.

Potential

I am a relatively happy person.
(Shut up, I am too).
I have a great kid, my friends are amazing, I love my job. I am proud of my accomplishments... I am busy more or less every weekend. I have a full, lovely life.

So why do I suddenly feel validated just because there is a boy who is flirting with me?? It just seems so wrong. So "Young and the Restless." So pathetic.

But I can't help it... he's smart and funny and sweet and adorable. Sigh.

I have found that there's a difference between potential relationships at 24 and 34:
24 says, "Wow. If this goes the way I think it will this guy could be the one. Maybe we'll get married and have lots of sex and babies!"
34 says, "Wow. If this goes the way I think it will this guy could be the one I finally buy a duplex with. Because I do NOT want to share living space with a boy. But next door would be convenient for spider smashing, movie watching and sex."

Before those of you who are rooting for my sex life get too excited let me just say that nobody is having sex at this point. This is all just flirtation and conjecture.

We have been friends for a thousand years but somehow he does not violate the "no relationships with boys I went to high school with" OR the "no relationships with anyone I've dated before" rules. Also, he's never been in the military and we don't work together...

I'll keep you posted.

Fine in '09

This time last year my mantra was "I hate 2008, I'll be fine in '09!"

I have been a little down lately (no huge surprise considering the time of year) and there have been some struggles (financial and emotional):
The four months I spent out of work and hiding in bed.
I am home alone on New Year's Eve watching a ridiculous Rob Lowe movie circa 1988.
I spend a car payment on gas every month, causing a chicken/egg dilemma regarding the need for a new car.
I did not lose an ounce or an inch all year.
I did not make any of the much needed repairs to my house.
I did not organize anything and my house is still a mess.

So with the failings of the year in mind, here is a list of the good things about 2009:

Finished my Master's degree
Found a job in my field that I really do love
Just got a raise
Quit smoking
Finally got that bad, bad relationship out of my system
No longer taking anti-depressants
Bean's depression is under control
Bean and I are still close
Finished a sweater
Didn't GAIN any weight
Helped Mom take care of Grandma
Donated six trash bags full of clothes

Even considering the fact that I bottomed out for a few months in the middle this year has not gone by without some accomplishments and happy things. It was sort of surprising to me how many things I could think of, and how many of those things really are amazing.

So all in all, I was "Fine in '09."

Alas and a Lack

I did not finish my mom's sweater.

I know.

I did block the front and back, and I did get close (thanks to the fact that I was able to leave work early on the 23rd and I knitted more or less steadily for about 10 hours. Yes. That is ten. Hours). I am waiting until Saturday to say for sure - I want another pair of eyes on my measuring skills - but I think I need to buy another ball of yarn. I'm hoping that will just be for the seaming, but I have a sinking suspicion that it will also be for the button band. I'm hoping that the dye lots are similar enough that it won't matter. As a back up gift I bought her the first two of the Twilight saga books, and a big bag of Twizzlers. Her birthday is in the middle of January and I WILL have it finished by then. And a matching pair of socks... I'm not crazy, they're already halfway done.

I did finish my brother's hat, and he looks so great in it!

Christmas was nice and quiet... My uncle did finally recover and was home in time for Christmas, my sister and her kids were in Kansas City, and for the first time since my divorce Bean was with me Christmas morning. It was pretty much perfect. I was supposed to see my dad Christmas day, but he bailed. The shock was heard around the world. Whatever.
I slept a lot (more shock)... and that was pretty much it.

I know that being partner-less during the holidays depresses some people, but I found it just made things easier. This was the first Christmas in more than 10 years that I wasn't in any kind of relationship. I expected it to make me feel sad or lonely or something.. then I realized that last year I felt disappointed and alone and spent a lot of needless money on a boy who didn't appreciate it and wasn't worth it. The year before I was contemplating divorce and the year before that my father-in-law had just died.

I could go on but I won't. The point is that sleeping in and watching all of the Star Wars movies on Spike and sleeping some more really isn't so bad all things considered.

I wasn't jubilant... and I certainly was low on Christmas Spirit... but the last three Christmases have included a lot of crying and this one didn't.

So maybe my lack of partner isn't such a lack after all.

Keep Knitting, Hope for the Best

I have most of my Christmas shopping done.... but then, my list gets smaller and smaller every year. No in-laws, no significant other, (no insignificant other) - and my sister seems to have stopped giving birth. For now.

She did tell me not to worry about getting anything for her kids this year if money is tight... but I did anyway. Not because I'm such a great aunt or anything, but because I bought presents for my brother's dogs and I thought that might seem bitchy to buy for the dogs and not for the kids.

Just another illustration of the structure of my family.

I am almost finished with the hat I'm making for my brother. It's the same pattern as the Jayne hat, but I just used a variegated green yarn. I'm done with the actual hat part, but I need to finish one more ear flap and then add the pom pom.

And the sweater. Oh, the sweater.

I lost a lot of prime knitting time yesterday because I was with my mom most of the day. My uncle had a kidney removed on the 17th, and while he came through the actual surgery ok, he's been really sick since. Yesterday was a particularly bad day for him - it was sort of scary there for awhile. Today he's been out of bed and mom said he was talking to people - which he hadn't been able to do before.

I'm knitting the sleeves 2-at-once and I have about 7 inches done - just eleven more to go. Sigh. Tonight when I get home I'm going to start blocking the front and back. It's technically possible to get this done on time, but I just don't know if I have the stamina.

Last night I was asleep by 10... and I'm working late tonight and tomorrow with the hope that I can leave early on Wednesday to avoid the crazy-yucky-bad weather coming this way. And also run my last few Christmas errands.

If I can get the sweater started in the blocking process and knit 11 inches in two days I can sew the whole thing together on Wednesday and put the buttons on in PLENTY of time for Christmas Eve. I'm just so wiped out by the time I get home and I really just want to eat something fast and crawl into bed!

I haven't given up. I'm going to just keep knitting and hope for the best.