Two Years

In some ways my life is so completely different than it was two years ago: job, mindset, perspective. I'm happier and more settled than I have been in a long time... which is weird for me... but in other ways I am just treading water.

There is no mystery or coincidence to the fact that the relationships I have had in the last two years have been with people who are completely unavailable. I am absolutely terrified of anything that might have a future, completely unwilling to risk that kind of dependence. I completely underestimated the emotional damage that my marriage caused.

I have forgiven him (for the most part) and I am working on forgiving myself... I am not angry with him anymore for not fighting harder, but I am still mourning the loss of that potential. We were supposed to have a life together and he was supposed to be the other half of me. I still don't feel whole without him.

But it's getting better.

I am healing and trying to grow... and some of the walls I built need to come down and that is scary.

Maybe in two more years I'll be ready to trust myself with a real relationship.

Or not.