Pledge Drive and Grief

Oh Pledge Drive is almost over. I thought I was done with the marathon days, but this drive has pulled me right back in.
And fall drives are difficult for me because of Jeff...

It will be such a relief to not have to face them in this way again. No more fall drives as an employee. No more of the same pep talks and drive jokes. No more of the hours and hours in the control room where Jeff and I spent hours and hours, working together and falling in love.
Work was where I learned to trust him. Where I learned that he always followed through with things he said he would do. Where we both spoke the same language and where we were both good at what we did.
Work was where I learned that he was intelligent and funny and sarcastic. I learned that he had a dirty mind and an eclectic taste in music. I learned that he had a generally positive outlook on things.

This week I am remembering these things. And these things are painful.

In the end we didn't speak the same language about anything. In the end there was nothing left of the good and calm and hard-working and funny man.

To speed through this recovery of mine I try to force myself past the good times. I try to pretend that the Jeff-turned-Bartleby that ended up in my den is all that there was to him.

But that's a lie.
I do remember him. And I do remember loving him, and him loving me. I remember the things that we had together that made us want to bind our lives together. I remember these things and I mourn them this week.
I thought by now that some of this would have faded. It's been seven months and I am getting my life back, but in some ways this grief feels brand new - and in some ways it is.

I am past the shock. Past the initial crisis. Past a good portion of the numb.
Getting through that has made room for the grief to come. Unexpected and unwanted, but present.

So if I have seemed a little withdrawn that's why. I'm OK. I am.
I'm just working through the process.
My friends have been amazing and supportive and have given me room to cry and a place to laugh and I love you all for it.