Bah. And Also Humbug.

Bad news at the lawyer's office today.
I thought I was getting a call to come in and get my money... but they forgot to do something and it is just dragging the process out. Jeff's mom is as mad about this as I am, and we all know that she is quite a bit less patient and, you know, tactful than I am. I'm sure that the woman who forgot to do her job got quite an earful.

So the correct papers will be filed by Thursday and I will (allegedly) have my check 4 weeks from that date. So just 4 more weeks of serious poverty and then I can relax.

As I was walking out of her office she said, "Well, it will be a very Merry Christmas anyway!"

No.
It won't.

Christmas and I are not BFF's anyway, but my HUSBAND died this year. And he didn't just die, he became a totally different man first and then he died. And then I found him. And then I had to stop being mad and then I had to actually start to feel all of the crap that I have been categorizing and hiding for the last 2 years because all I had time for was the anger.

And now he's gone and I can't even have any fucking CLOSURE already.

And I don't care how big that fucking check is, it's not big enough to take THAT and turn it into a Merry Fucking Christmas.

Don't get me wrong, the money is nice. And you all know that I will spend it. Quickly. Perhaps even merrily from time to time. And I'm not going to spend this holiday season in bed with a bottle of Southern Comfort. I'm going to do what I've been doing this WHOLE TIME.

I'm going to make the best of it. And there will be times that will be happy, but that doesn't mean that I won't be hurting. And grieving. Because apparently along with "make the best of it," "grieving widow" has also been added to my job description. It's mostly a status thing, apparently.

In other news, I made laundry soap following the directions here and am quite pleased with the thrifty-ness and also the cleanliness of homemade laundry soap.