Crazy Busy...

But mostly crazy.

Grief is hard. And also slippery.
Bean and I went to our final group meeting last night and it was harder than either of us expected. I think we are finally able to forgive him for being such an angry terrible force in our lives... and that makes it emotionally harder to bear.
It's so much easier to be angry than it is to be sad.
It's so much easier to be relieved that he's gone than it is to miss him.

I don't think I miss him, exactly... I think that I mourn the person that he was before, and I think I mourn the relationship that we were supposed to have - in the same way that I mourn the child we didn't have.
I am relieved that there is no child.
I am not relieved that he is dead, but I am relieved that he is no longer a threat to me. And just the fact that I would think about it like that - to know that he transformed so completely from the gentle, funny man who loved me into someone I would see as a threat - makes me unbearably sad.

I am doing well. Really well. Things are moving in positive directions in more or less every part of my life and most of that would have been impossible - or at least VERY difficult - with him around.

I feel lucky.
I feel blessed.

But sometimes I feel really sad - and sad feels appropriate. Sometimes I resist the things that I would ordinarily turn to for comfort because I feel like maybe I'm not supposed to be comforted. Maybe I'm supposed to just feel it and breathe through it.