Storms moving in again tonight.
I'm worried about Bean... she called a little while ago. Her dad lives out in the country and they're getting the first wave. She's afraid of the weather and we couldn't hold a connection on the cell phones. I know he'll keep her safe, but I hate when she is scared and I can't be there with her.
I'm worried about me, too.
Apparently I had a few more things to throw on that fire last night. Self-esteem, insecurity and feelings of abandonment to name a few. I should have known this would come up. Last night one of the party guests was amazed that she sees my dad (the donor) a LOT more than I do. In her world, my dad is a great guy who is funny and attentive and nice to be around. In my world, my dad is distant and removed and silent for months at a time.
(Thanks for making sure I have good relationships with men, dad!)
Freud was a crazy, coke-addicted, narcissistic misogynist... but he wasn't always totally wrong. We do usually end up in relationships with representations of our fathers.
We can't help it, it's how we were raised.
As adults we are supposed to be self-aware and healthy and learn to get out of that cycle.
(How's that working for you?)
Just fine and dandy... NOT! I have said it before - I am fabulous at maintaining relationships, I suck at men.
The first one was my boy scout hero, my courtly love affair. I didn't let him get close enough to disappoint me, so he remains this perfect example of What I Want in a Man. Sadly, (luckily?) he is married and lives about 30 states away.
Then the judgmental committment-phobe who lasted so much longer than he should have and got married a year or so after we broke up. Hmmmmmm.
Then Bean's dad.
Then the gay one. (Seriously, everyone thought he was gay when they met him. But he was safe, if emotionally unavailable... Safe because he was emotionally unavailable?) He is married now, too. To a woman.
Then Bartleby.
Am I really this afraid of being alone?!?
Am I really so emotionally needy that a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all?!?
Probably.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
More Storms
Posted by J. Denae at 11:45 PM
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5 comments:
Perhaps being called a "judgmental commitment-phobe" indicates why more guys don't open up emotionally?
Men are trained at a very early age that being emotionally available is tantamount to weakness, and then that lesson is reinforced through brutal teasing, name-calling, and belittling by our peers and lovers and sometimes our parents--too frequently both parents. Then when men do open up in confidence to people they trust, they often feel "betrayed" by the women close to them, whose communication styles tend to accept open discussion of emotional details*, when their intimates openly discuss those emotional details.
I have seldom opened up to anyone, male or female, without regretting it later, as those feelings were used in a hurtful way. This wasn't always intentional, but I also couldn't always tell if it was intentional or not, if it was just a difference in communication styles or a power play or lashing out in self-defense or just mean-spiritedness. But no matter what, it always hurt.
*As noted by Deborah Tannen
Well I certainly hit a nerve! Commenting without any identification is an interesting addition to everything you didn't say. The "judgmental commitment-phobe" is just that. Ask the girlfriend before me and the ex-wife after me.
Sorry--wasn't meaning to post anonymously, actually, and intended the first paragraph sarcastically.
But with the rest of the post, I was trying to say that there's a history of men and women talking past each other emotionally. I can't speak for women here, but for me, this leads to a lot of pain.
Thought that was you... don't you know better than to read an old girlfriend's blog? You'll never be happy with what you find there!! I didn't find you dead in a chair in my den so you are officially safe from being the worst relationship I ever had. Better?
I do apologize for not making myself more clear (and for clicking the wrong button-thingy). My snarkasm does get the better of me all too often.
But I haven't thought of you as *just* and old girlfriend in a long time. I have always thought of you as an interesting person and a good writer. I guess that doesn't matter much at this point, but it's true.
Guys do get into a Catch-22 wherein our defense mechanism of withdrawal leads to more problems, which we react to by further withdrawal. Being aware of this doesn't make us much less prone to it.
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