Missing a Day

I lost a whole day yesterday.

Friday night Bean and I went to see The Simpsons Movie. The husband actually wanted to see this one but still wouldn't go. Not even for popcorn.

Anyway, we got home and he was in a really good mood and everything was great... then at some point (close to 1 am, after Bean was asleep) he got really critical about what Bean is learning in school and how she's "wasting" her summer and how I ignore every opinion he has about her.

I don't think she is wasting her summer. In the last year her stepmother lost her best friend to cancer, her stepsister lost her best friend to a car accident and her grandfather died. In the last year she has watched her stepfather disintegrate (in direct response to his father's death). He has not had a job for six months. In the last year she has seen the new un-relationship I have with my sister and witnessed a pretty serious fight between her dad and his family. In the last year both of her parents have moved to new houses. In the last year she has started her period, learned real lessons about the bitchy little girls in school, started wearing a bra and had an unrequited crush on a boy in her class. And she's not stupid. She knows that there is tension in our house.

I figured she was due for a few months when all she had to do is read books and write and knit and watch tv. If she stays up late reading and doesn't wake up until noon who cares? It's summer vacation!

I went on the defensive and things turned ugly pretty fast. I honestly don't remember the really bad parts of the fight. It feels like something swollen and uncomfortable.
I do remember that I didn't cry and I didn't raise my voice at all. For me that's not a good sign.
At the end he was baiting me, pushing every button he knows to get me upset. And none of it worked. This went on until about 5 am.

Then he left. I took a xanax.

I assume he went to his mother's house, but I don't know for sure. He came home at some point yesterday. I slept until Bean got up at noon and then we had lunch. She wanted to watch a movie so I claimed migraine and took another xanax and woke up again around 7. By then he was home. Bean and I got some dinner - he said he wasn't hungry.

Then I went back to bed.
He came to bed at some point, too. He was playing with the cat and it woke me and I asked him to stop. He said, "Oh are we speaking now?"
I rolled over and went back to sleep.

At 6 I got up and came to work.