SNAFU

I'm having a nervous breakdown and all is right with the world.

People who have known me for more than ten years or so know that I used to be one of those people in constant crisis. Some I made for myself, and some were thrust upon me... partly because of decisions I made myself.

But in the past few years I have made a real effort to declutter my (emotional) life and rid myself of toxic friends and drama... And it has worked out pretty well. But now I've got work and Hospice and school and Beanandthehusbandandthefamilyandthehousehuntingandthesickfatherinlawand...

Yesterday I dropped Bean off with her dad, got on the highway and started crying. I couldn't stop. Like, at all. I thought about pulling over but that made me cry even harder. I caught my breath finally and pulled into the driveway as the phone rang. It was my friend M... she said "how are you" and I burst into tears. I told her I was fine, that I was more in danger of dehydrating than anything. She was calling to invite me over. A friend of ours was in town and it was time to sit around outside and smoke and drink beer and catch up. So I checked on the husband and high-tailed it on over. It was nice.

I was out too late, but it was worth it.

I had Hospice this morning. (Seriously? I don't know if this is a good fit for me. Maybe Social Work is not a good fit for me. Maybe I should have gone to beauty school instead.) And then I went to visit my father in law. He's in the hospital (collapsed lung) and cancer aside he looks pretty good. I have been talking to them a little bit about Hospice and they're willing to discuss it but they don't seem to understand that it's treatment or Hospice. We also talked about the fact that you can hire a private duty nurse to come in - even a few days a week to help with some of the bigger issues. The whole situation is difficult for everyone and makes me really sad. But he'll be out in a few days and hopefully they'll get some help from somewhere even if they're not ready to look into Hospice yet. I just want everyone to be ok... and right now there is a lot of pressure on my husband and that's not ok.

I did something just for me today.

Rather than go right in to work I decided to take myself out to lunch. I had a nice sandwich and some fruit and I sat in a booth with a book and had some official "alone" time. For like, an hour. That's like a day off, just much shorter. Oh, and I had to go to work. But there was fresh pineapple. And strawberries.

I also decided something. I need to learn how to say "Fine" when people ask how I am. Oh, and not burst into tears.
I am sooooooooooooooo tired, though. Bone dead, wicked sleepy. Like in college when you'd stay up until four in the morning drinking coffee and finishing a paper and then work a double shift because the girl who was supposed to work is afraid of clowns and there is a clown performing that night so she runs out screaming and you're stuck and then your boyfriend wanted to take you out to a nice restaurant because you've been working so hard so you go out and then end up staying up too late with him and then you are really beat the next day when you have your mid-term.

Or was it just me?

I wouldn't be eighteen again for all the money in the world. I did have a nice boyfriend then... but not even that would make me want to turn back that clock.

Anybody see Project Runway last night? Hell yeah it's time he won! Those shorts were awesome.