Hi... Um...

I may have sent out some resumes.

Which means I must graduate, I must pass the (fucking) test and I MUST get my shit together so that I can do something at night other than watch TV in bed and cry.

Oh yes, the despair is back. During the day I'm angry and impatient and at night I just cry. And more than one person has told me recently that they think I am "so strong." Nope. Fragile with a paper thin heart. I just put on a pretty good face.

I am insecure and hurt and sad and more or less falling apart all the time. I'm a great big hot tranny mess.

My rune stones are no help at all. They're all, "don't make any big decisions," and "wow, you've been working really hard toward something, you need a break."
I don't need runes to tell me that.

I need the rune stones to tell me that everything will be ok, that I will find a good job and get my shit together, that eventually someone will love me again (that much and in that way), that my child won't be a teenager forever and that... you know... blah blah blah, whine, bitch, moan.

See? Even I am tired of my own crap.

(And the first person who suggests maybe I need a weekend by the ocean is getting smacked. I'm just saying).

So I wonder if I'll hear from either of the jobs I applied for. Both are organizations I have worked for before and I definitely favor one over the other... so I guess we'll see. It's hard to find a job these days, but I'm still hopeful. I still haven't applied at the VA... that's my great white whale.

At this point I'll pretty much take anything. I just want to work. To not worry so much about money.