Everything and Nothing

I bought my cap and gown (and hood) today.
It wasn't as momentous as I thought it might be. Just one more check that I had to write to get done. I still have to send in $100 to have the BSRB review my file and decide if I should sit for the exam... then $175 to take the exam.
And hope for the best.
And hope for a job.

I am, at this point, firmly in place to receive all B's this semester. Great grades, but to me it is just as sharp as a failure. After three and a half years of A's I have finally used my scholastic safe word, "Good enough."

B's are "good enough." I know that nobody but me cares at all what grades I get in graduate school, the degree is what matters.
That's not even quite true. It's the license that matters. It's the job.

On the first day of class, we wrote letters to ourselves... and they will be mailed right after graduation. During our break today I said that I wished I had enclosed a couple of hundred dollars instead of a stupid letter. Mine was all about how happy Jeff and I were and how we would probably have that baby by the time I graduated.
Nope, and nope.
I haven't decided if I will even open it.

I was looking around at my friends today. We all have this strained, exhausted air. We are all so spent and empty. We are sarcastic and bitter-sounding, we have been disillusioned, we have compromised, we are all ragged and run down. On the inside. Outside we just look like we always do, though to us it feels like we are all in the same holding cell, and while we are proud of ourselves and know there is a lot of benefit to this degree we have worked so hard to get we are all asking ourselves if it was really worth it.

Will the future be worth the last four years of consistently delivering only 45% of our attention to our families and jobs and friends? Will we decide that the sacrifices were worth it?
Maybe.

When my husband's father died, would I have been more attentive if I hadn't had a final paper looming? When he cried through the night and into the next day, and the day after that would I have been more able to help him if I hadn't been so tired? So consumed with making my grades? Impressing my supervisors?
Would that have ultimately made any difference?
Maybe not.

Would Bean have dealt with her grief in a more timely and open way if I had not been playing catch-up that semester? Or would this delayed grief reaction have landed at the same time regardless of my action? If I hadn't been working toward this specific degree would I even have known what to do when her coping started to fail? When mine did?

There is desperation in this. We are looking back at these years wondering, "Was it worth it? Will it be worth it? Did I do the right thing?"
And, ultimately,
"If I still fail was all of this for nothing?"

I am so tired. So completely worn down by these last four years.
So completely not who I thought I would be.
And also, somehow, still me.

I know that I am expected to be excited and jump around at the thought of graduation, but there is still such a long "to do" list between now and then that I really just have to keep my head down and keep moving forward. Maybe on May 15th I will be able to celebrate, but right now I just need to sleep.