Post 400! (But really it's just more whining)

My computer is back. Sort of. The best engineer in the world did something magical and if I am careful the jack works... like, the computer is receiving AND storing energy. Now if only the best engineer in the world could magically do that for me.

I thought I would do something wonderful and amazing for the 400th post... but it's just more of me, complaining about the husband and spending money.
Lots of money.
I bought my iPod today. It's beautiful. I promptly spent every cent (and then some) of the gift certificates I got for Christmas! I feel bad about one of them, though... Kerri and James left one for me as a little "Christmas thank you" for letting their dog out while they were gone. I went over there several times and the dog flat-out refused to go out.
Luckily they were only gone overnight.
Anyway, Bean is so happy to have my old Shuffle. I could have saved time, money and energy and just bought the child a large iTunes gift certificate!! Luckily, she is my child and is more than happy to listen to the music I like. And also, some nice grandparent bought her a small-ish gift certificate so she could download some Timberlake. I can neither confirm not deny that Justin is in my playlist as well.

And on to the husband stuff...
You know that the opposite of love is not hate, right? It's indifference. Apathy. The husband keeps trying to pick fights and I just can't summon up the energy to indulge him. Every shitty thing he does and says makes me want to say, "Thank you for making this so much easier." The ex-husband and I went through a time like this... and shortly after that I admitted to him that the only thing keeping him alive was how expensive our sheets were. I would lay next to him at night and think about which two ribs I would have to get a knife through so that I would puncture a lung and he would bleed to death without being able to scream for help. It is better in those situations to leave.

He helped me pack the car and filled it up with gas before I left. A little fear is a healthy thing.

And if it weren't for this house I would have already called U-Haul. This is my house and he is the one who is going to have to move out. That didn't go so well last time... I'm hoping that the apathy will help me along this time. And it's not just the job thing, either. I honestly don't think that I would feel any different if he did go out and get a job. I just don't trust him anymore. I don't trust that he will be there when things are bad. I don't trust that he will help me or protect me or nurture me or be strong for me when I need him to. I had more or less decided to wait until February - that's a year of joblessness - but I don't know if I'll make it that long.

And I think he knows it on some level. He is alternately very sweet and then a total ass (though the "sweet to ass ratio" is something like 1:5) and from my "behaviorist" perspective I can see that it is all an infantile cry for attention. I used to say that all men are 15 but my husband is 7. He's losing ground. This is three- or four-year-old behavior.

And Bean is not stupid. She knows what's going on. The last time we discussed it directly I told her not to be surprised if he moved out after the first of the year. She said, "I would have kicked him out a long time ago, mom." (Oh, hello sign, how are you this fine evening?) I said, "Well, I hoped that things would get better." She said, "Me too. But that's not really happening, is it?"

I love that kid. Also? I am sort of afraid of her intelligence.

Luckily she responds well to "Live like I say, not like I do."

And yes, I know what I need to do and I know how I need to do it. (Where's that fucking knife?)
Just kidding.