Funkadelic

But not in a good way.

I have been a little (lot) down lately.
Down is not exactly the right word though. Stretched thin. Delicate. Easily shattered. Last week between Bean's health and upcoming school deadlines I was in pretty sad shape.

Luckily I have wonderful friends and a very sweet Bad, Bad Man to try to take care of me. And I let them. Sometimes even I can admit defeat and allow someone else to help with the heavy lifting.
And I must say, that Bad, Bad Man went to almost heroic efforts to make me feel better. To the point where my mother said, "He's not trying to get serious with you, is he?"
After Bean and I stopped laughing we assured her that no, that Bad, Bad Man is not interested in taking things to the "next level."
Seriously.
Wow.

Saturday I went to an 8-hour seminar to prepare for the licensing exam. Um, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

First: I do not test well. At all. In fact, one of the reasons I picked this college is because the Master's program I was interested in did not require the GRE. Honest to bob.

Second: I have taken some practice tests for this thing. Scoring them made me want to go work at Wendy's.

Third: It's a comprehensive exam over everything I have learned and forgotten, as well as the stuff I didn't learn over the past four years.

Let's review the past four years: wedding, infertility, bought a house, father-in-law gets cancer, father-in-law dies, husband disintegrates, husband loses job, husband dies, grief, guilt, Bean starts middle school. Yup. I think that's about it.

Fourth: This license is necessary for me to be a social worker. The thing that I have been working toward for the last four hellish, ridiculous, horrible years.

Fifth: 25% of the people who take this test fail the first time.

Fifth: I know two people who had to take it more than three times and one of them still hasn't passed. And these are not stupid people.

The professor who teaches the workshop is my favorite... and he made it seem a little less scary. "YOU ONLY HAVE TO PASS!!" He bellowed at least once an hour.
Sure. I only have to pass. Sure.
But what if I don't?? What if I'm in that 25%?
I have a plan. I know what steps I need to take. I have structure for studying now, and I have some more practice exams to take and I have 3x5 note cards and Amazon is sending me a very helpful book.
I can do this.
Maybe.

But even if I do pass it, it's just another link in the chain of events that are going to completely change my life.

I have to graduate and pass the exam, then get a (new) job, quit the station and then figure out what my life looks like after grad school.
And it's not like I have my pre-grad school life to hope to "get back." Before grad school I was newly married and looking forward to spending my life with a husband who loved me. Before grad school all I thought about was having another baby. Before grad school I worked full time at a the radio station. Before grad school I didn't knit.

My life before grad school seems so foreign to me. And all I have known for four years is crisis... so what happens when that's over? How do I settle in to a real life after all of this? What are the steps?

There are things I want to do. I want to sew. I want to travel. I want to accumulate savings and lose weight. I want to write.

Well, the "NapLover Handbook" says a NapLover in crisis needs lots of love and hugging and kissing. She also needs chocolate and a variety of other foods. And also sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.

I'm off to eat some Hershey's Kisses and then go to bed.