More Whining about the Teenager

Many thanks to Lara for inviting Bean and I over last night. It gave me a chance to knit with one of my good friends without Bean feeling left out or ignored... because Lara's daughter M is one of Bean's good friends and so she got to talk to M and totally ignore me. Which was great.

So we had chicken and salad and cheese and crackers and Twilight. (Hi, Edward? I love you. Call me!)

I even got to play with a baby. Lara babysits for her niece - a happy, chubby 5-month-old who only stops smiling to drool more effectively. She sat with me for awhile and babbled and laughed and drooled on me. Usually spending that kind of time with a baby that happy and cute makes my ovaries start to vibrate. Luckily I have a teenage daughter, so I'm safe.

I love my daughter. I love her more than anything or anyone else in my life... but she has officially been replaced by the pod people.

My mother, who is usually totally on Bean's side no matter what, said, "Fuck her. She's playing you and she is acting like a spoiled little brat." I was like, "Mom?!?"
She said that when my sister and I started acting like "Spoiled little bitches" she and dad decided to just ignore us, knowing that we "would be ok."

Right.

Except my sister had an abortion at 14 and I was drunk in Jr. High a LOT and also? There may have been some half-hearted suicide attempts. But we (apparently) aren't going to talk about that. Or think about it.
I'm not taking those chances with Bean.

But there also has to be some kind of balance between what Bean needs and what I need. There has to be some balance between doing everything I can for her and taking care of myself.

So we had a pretty good night last night... she got a little bossy with the younger kids and I corrected her and got the "MU-ther" death glare, and she and M left the movie-watching festivities to go to the park for awhile... but that was actually a blessing. Mommy needs a break from the tension.

At bedtime I did get a little weepy and she came in and wanted to know what was wrong. I thought she was already in bed, so was really embarrassed. I can't tell her that what's bothering me is that my child is CRAZY and I don't know which way is up. I said that I was just feeling really overwhelmed and inadequate at home and at work and at school. I did not want to admit that to her - I'm supposed to be strong and supportive of her needs right now.

She tried to comfort me and I let her, for a little while, but it felt wrong. And not just because she is the child and I am supposed to have better boundaries than that.

You know what part of the problem is? I don't feel like I have anyone on my side. Her dad has the idiot stepmother, my mom had my dad... but I'm hanging out here by myself with no home team. And I know that my friends are on my side, and my mom is (clearly) on my side... but it would be nice at the end of the day to have someone to hold me and reassure me and help me plot revenge... er... I mean... discipline appropriately.

Things are just feeling a little lonely on my side of the line at home. I'm not saying I want to get remarried, but right now I miss having a husband. Not my husband circa this time last year... but a husband husband.

Oh well.