Social Anxiety Strikes Again

It's hard for people who know me to understand how much of my life is governed by my social anxiety. I seem very outgoing and not at ALL shy... but mostly that's just because I stay inside my comfort zone and surround myself with my "girl posse." But take me out of my comfort zone and make me go by myself and I'm more than awkward turtle, I'm scared awkward turtle.

I have been invited to a birthday party. A grown-up one in a bar I've never been to with trendy, hip people I don't know. I know the birthday girl... sort of... but I don't know anyone else.
Guess what that does to my social anxiety.
I was fairly non-committal about whether I could go.

I want to go.

I want to dress up and meet new people and be funny and (pretty) and interesting.

But I know myself. It's WAAAAAAAAAAY out of my comfort zone. Wanting to go and actually going are two completely different things. I know that everyone's advice will be, "So go!! Have a good time!"
But it's really not that easy.

When I got the invitation I started to sweat, knowing that I would then have to make a decision, knowing that making that decision is completely impossible. I could decide right now that I am going to go. I could get dressed and put on makeup and carry extra lipstick in my small purse and even get there and park. And still not be able to go in.

I bought her a present... one of those FAB-O candles from Bohemia. If I don't go I can save it for the next gift-giving occasion.

I feel like Ira. From Ira Sleeps Over. Anyone else remember that book? ("'He won't laugh,' said my father. 'He won't laugh,' said my mother. 'He'll laugh,' said my sister.")

I know that come Saturday night I'll be sitting on my metaphorical steps, with my metaphorical overnight bag packed, still trying to decide if I should take my metaphorical teddy bear or not.

In the end, Ira was fine and the sleepover was fun... but Ira was not worried about saying something stupid, and Ira was not blown-glass fragile and prone to open and uncontrollable weeping. And Ira? Was just going next door to sleep at his best friend's house.

I want to go.
I'm going to try to go.