Grip

I have been cleaning.

I know.

But as of right now I can see the floor in more than HALF of my bedroom. Quite an accomplishment, sad to say.

I am trying to be mercenary with the clothes I have. I mean, do I really need two tye-dye pledge drive shirts that I don't ever wear? Do I really need fifteen purple t-shirts for anything? At one time I thought I'd make a t-shirt quilt... but I've had that sewing machine for almost a year and its been out of the box once. I even have a sewing table still in the box in my den, just waiting for me to put it together.

I could drown in a sea of saved purple t-shirts before that happens.

Last night Bean and I took a large garbage bag stuffed full of clothes to one of those drop-off bins. It felt really good to release those things into the void, so to speak. They are no longer my belongings - and that makes all of me feel lighter. That was just a very small, visually insignificant first step. By which I mean, if you came to my House you would not be able to tell that I had gotten rid of anything at all.

I think this has something to do with the show Hoarders... maybe...
I come from a long line of pack rats. My grandmother's house was a grand, crowded paradise full of things that might be useful. My dad (the donor) has weird sentimental collections and rows of CD's and movies. He has entire walls of his living room and dining room papered with photographs. China cabinets overflowing with inherited breakables.

I go to client's homes now and I think, "Wow. Buy a shovel, rent a dumpster." And then I would go home to my own glorious mess.

But it's a sickness. Even last night when I was cleaning I came across an empty pill bottle and put it on the "keep" pile. For what??? Why is it so hard to let go of things that are trash??

For a long time I thought I just needed to get a handle on cleaning and organizing... but I have (finally) come to terms with the fact that all the cleaning and organizing in the world will not save me from the fact that I have too much crap. It's not just clothes, obviously, but that's an easy place to start.

Clothes and cosmetics.

Oh yes. My mercenary hands will be rooting through hall closets and bathroom cabinets this evening along with the next round of clothes for donation. I do not need eight different kinds of hairspray... or ANY of the little sample-sized bottles (my biggest weakness) of everything else.

It's not going to happen all at once... but it's time to get a grip.

Twilight Zone

The early light of my Monday morning drive seemed to wash my memory clean; as though this weekend was something I dreamed. Picking up clear bits of memory is almost impossible, so I won't try. I'm just left with this vaguely puzzled feeling as my ordered and orderly week breaks through - a solid real thing in the face of wispy dreamy fantasy.

I won't go on about it... but someone who wasn't there appeared out of the blue, stayed for two days and now is gone. Like a turtle who slips out of the water for a breath and then is gone almost before you have even seen him. I keep waiting for some feeling to emerge as dominant, but so far its all just a blank, white wall.

The only real notable thing about it is that where usually this person leaves a crater in my calm this time there isn't even a thumbprint. I keep moving through the little bits of emotion looking for sad or angry or anything. But his appearance (and disappearance) left no wake, no debris.

I slid so easily back into our routine - it was sort of jarring at the time how automatic these things can be.
And now so I'm so easily back to my real life - my life without him.

I thought I'd feel more damaged and bruised than this... no matter how I spin it this weekend was a mistake. No matter how untouched I feel right now he is not safe for me. He never has been.
I wonder if that will make any difference at all if he calls again.

In Charge

We keep track of everything our clients do. Every mistake, every mood, every bad decision. I read these tracking logs every week, make my notes and move on... but what if someone followed me around making notes? How many things do I do that could be described as aggressive or self-injurious?

Just today I woke up late, refused breakfast, have had two cups of coffee and made the decision to blog rather than prepare for my meeting.
And last night at dinner I ate more bread than dinner.
I also chose not to go to sleep until after 1 AM.

I'm not saying we shouldn't keep track of stuff... but if you are tracking behavior you're going to find something to criticize. And these schedules? They include three meals a day at regular times, scheduled housekeeping and regular outings with friends. All of these are things I should be better about maintaining.
Who am I to be in charge of my own life???

My VA interview was two weeks ago and I haven't heard anything from them. See what happens when I get cocky? It's probably for the best... I do love my new job, and while the money and (lack of) distance was appealing the culture here is a good fit. I am disappointed though... I kept thinking about the money and short drive, but when I went to the interview we talked about the Vets and their needs; the barriers to treatment and ways around them, the increasing family needs, the differences between OEF/OIF Vets and Vietnam Vets. I know these guys and I love them and I hadn't realized how much I missed working with them.

My kinda-sorta date thingy got cancelled again last weekend. I was so relieved... I spent part of Friday thinking up reasons to call it off, so when he couldn't make it I was happy. Who did I think I was kidding anyway?? Dating. I don't have the energy or emotional resources to get to know someone. I'm not ready for any of that. If I had been ready for that after Jeff died I could have avoided all of the crap with what's his name. Relationships of convenience are rarely convenient, and I should have ended that relationship before it moved from inconvenient to Hindenburg. Seriously.

The trouble is that I am a creature of habit. And recognizing that something is a mistake has rarely stopped me before. This friend/more-than-friend thing is heating up a little bit - it's a slow simmer, but it's present. I'm going to see him next week. Just for lunch... There are a thousand reasons why I should avoid this. Put a stop to it now before anyone has anything invested. But the idea that someone is thinking about me at weird times during the day, that someone wants to say something just to make me smile or call just to hear my voice - that's hard to walk away from.

See? I should not be in charge of me.

Getting Better...

Turns out Bean had H1N1. Her initial flu test was negative, but they called me Thursday and said to keep her out of school another day. I didn't ever get the flu, but I was feeling like total crap too: sore throat and coughing but no fever. I'm still getting over that. Thursday night I could barely speak so I stayed home from the Literary Feast and Bean and I watched DVD's and felt sorry for ourselves.

She's feeling much better... the worst of it was over long before we got the official diagnosis. In our house this H1N1 was not anywhere near as bad as the legendary Flu of '08. I'm still trying to decide how to arrange a blood sacrifice to the germs so they will skip over us this year. I know H1N1 is worse for other people, and the secondary infections are causing a lot of problems. I know we got lucky... but we also folowed basic self care rules. We wash our hands a lot, we get lots of rest, we (try to) eat good things... and when Bean got sick we cancelled everything and stayed home all weekend and slept, took it easy all week and rested more this weekend.

It's not rocket surgery.

I think the worst part of it for Bean was that her friends were freaking out about whether they had it and nobody asked how she was doing. All of my friends were worried about her and asking how she was doing, and that made her feel better. I reminded her that teenagers are typically very self-focused and she shouldn't take it personally.

After two weekends of canceling everything I'm actually going to try to get out of the house this weekend. I have a kinda-sorta date thingy on Saturday afternoon... I'm not optimistic. Of course, anything would be better than the guy who sent me his... um... measurements... (cough). Wow. I was like, "That's quite an offer, but no."
Call me old fashioned, but I sort of like to know a guy's name before I learn those measurements. And also? WHO DOES THAT???
Yes.
I know who does that... and for the record, I'm not interested in fucking him either. If I met him in a hotel room I'd bring electric tape and a tire iron... and he wouldn't enjoy it.

All of this dating bullshit is really just a cover for the feelings I'm not supposed to have for a guy who is supposed to be just a friend.
Dammit.
Little suggestive messages and sly flirting are all making my head spin.
It will all probably come to nothing... I don't even know how much I want from it, but it's nice to be noticed.

(And no, it's not my new boss).

Sick Day

Every time my mother goes out of town I get sick.
I always feel so guilty about going to see my grandmother when I'm sick. She's old and frail and wobbly and I show up all germ-infested and try to hold my breath for the half-hour or so it takes to get her up and ready for her day.
So far (knock wood) she has managed to avoid all of my ickiness. I will continue to wash my hands obsessively and bathe in alcohol gel. Mom comes home tomorrow and I can focus my attention on not getting anyone else sick.

I am feeling better... partially because I took the day off and rested.
Sort of.

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Along with the resting I read the Literary Feast book, Homer and Langley. The Feast is tomorrow, so it's a good damn thing it was a fast read! It was a great book - I hadn't read any Doctorow before so I wasn't sure what to expect. I highly recommend it... it's funny and sad at the same time.

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In between the resting and the reading I fawned over the Roto Rooter guy. Our bathtub had been slow to drain for a few weeks, but in the last day or so it had gotten really out of hand. Neither Bean nor I were able to shower yesterday because the tub was still full from the day before.
Gross.
So I got up this morning and took care of Grandma and then drove out to my parents' house to use their shower. They have just remodeled their bathroom, so it was quite an experience.
My Roto Rooter guy appeared around 9 and spent five minutes in my bathroom and viola, drainage! I thanked him, paid him, scrubbed the tub, and went back to bed.

********************************************************

At 2 I got up and put makeup on and found appropriate clothes for my interview at the VA (case manager for OEF/OIF) . I did not do any of my usual interview preparation, and given my cold and subsequent reliance on cold medicine that could have been a huge mistake. A mistake of the "monkey monkey underpants" variety.
At least I had an answer to "why do you want this job" that was not "because it's open."
It was wonderful. I was not even a little bit nervous because really? I have a job. A great job with people I love. I no longer need to feel the desperation of the process. I'm no longer sitting across from the interviewer thinking, "Pick me, love me" a la Meredith Grey. This interviewer responded really well to my responses and (as always happens with me in an interview) we ended up talking about stuff not on the list.
You know what felt good? I have some experience with this population and this interviewer had seen some of the case notes from The Vet Center. I was able to provide population-specific examples to her questions. I felt really comfortable and confident.

I'm trying not to want this... but I know these guys and I know how much they need good case managers. I know what kind of communication works with them. I also know that any door in to the VA is a good opportunity.

I am pretty sure they will be calling in a few weeks to offer a second interview. I'm also trying to not feel so guilty about that.

******************************************************

Then Bean and I went to Watermark for a reading. Mark (who isn't Bruce) called me yesterday to see if we were going. I hadn't planned on it, and I wasn't feeling well, but I'm glad we went. Attendance was low, and the author was a really charming (and adorable) guy who was funny and interesting. If I had known I would have called all of you and asked you to meet us there.
We bought his book, and I bought Audrey Niffenegger's new book.
Sigh.
Cause I needed more books...

******************************************************

My head is killing me, so I'm going to take some NyQuil and sleep.

I Don't Want...

For the LOVE of ham sandwiches!
I've been cruising a dating site. (No judging. Its getting cold outside, Kids, and weekend nights are chilly). But SERIOUSLY!!! What is with some of these guys??
I got messaged by a 19-year-old. I mean, besides the fact that I am almost old enough to have given birth to him, I am not interested in any interaction with a child whose profile picture involves a white boy throwing gang signs.
It is fucking scary out there, people. I know I'm no great beauty, but I do have enough self-respect to have standards that preclude MOST of the men on the site.

So here's a partial list of who I do NOT want, based on things I honestly actually saw tonight.

NO MEN WHO
1. look like Malfoy's creepy dad (he's out there, ladies)
2. are mostly naked in their profile pictures
3. are drinking and/or high in their pic
4. mention God, Christ, or My Lord and Savior as "can't live without"
5. mention their mental disorder
6. went to high school with me
7. look like my ex-husband
8. look like my ex-boyfriend
9. look like they could be my SON
10. took their profile pic in the gym
11. took their profile pic in the bathroom
12. took their profile pic wearing gold chains
13. talk about "their writing"
14. talk about their RPG's
15. talk about writing about their RPG characters
16. are photographed with a gun
17. are photographed with a dead animal
18. are photographed in their karate pajamas
19. post a GLAMOR SHOT featuring their cowboy hat
20. confuse your, you're and yore
21. use the word "yore"
22. are wearing a skirt (unless it's a kilt... and then only maybe)
23. are featured in some pose with their motorcycle
24. wear their baseball hat backwards
25. don't know that you're supposed to have either long hair or a bald patch
26. mention "the gym" in their "can't live without"
27. are featured kissing another woman, stripper or not
28. are dressed for the Ren Faire in a non-ironic way
29. say "I need to find a direction for my life"
30. mention high school
31. mention their mothers
32. mention their ex-wives
33. make the "I'm tough" face that makes them look constipated
34. did I mention guys from high school?
35. look like they might be too old to date my mom
36. resemble Jon (as in "and Kate")
37. have BUGS on their BEARDS
38. uses a wedding pic. From their own weddings. HONESTLY
39. are "working on thinking about maybe going back to school." Go or don't go. Jeez
40. look like Nick Rhodes... unless that WAS Nick Rhodes...

I'm exhausted.

Also? I'm thinking I'll just buy an electric blanket instead.

Job Update the Millionth...

So I'm at work and not entirely sure what I should be doing right now. I'm trying to settle in, but I feel like I'm on a third date with a really great guy and a longtime crush has asked for my phone number. Is it worth disrupting the nice, stable relationship with a perfectly nice guy to try someone I've said I always wanted but really don't know very well?

Oy. I wish I was talking about boys.

Alas, no, I am talking about jobs. After months (and months) of no job showing much interest in me beyond the first date, four want to schedule a second date. I turned three of those down, but one of the organizations who wants an interview?

The VA. It's the social work equivalent of The Holy Grail and The Brass Ring all wrapped up in good benefits and a nice retirement plan. Dammit.

I'm going on the interview and we'll see, but the not knowing is making it that much more difficult for me here. I feel like a liar. I want to be jumping in with both feet and immersing myself in the culture here, but at the same time I don't want to get to attached - just in case. I love this job. And I love (love love love) my co-workers and my boss... and I feel like I'm cheating on them. They think I'm in this for the long haul. Because I told them I was.

To be fair, what I actually said in response to their worry that I would jump ship as soon as something in Wichita opened up was, "Unless something five minutes from my house offers me twice what you're offering you have nothing to worry about."

Oh yes. I said that. I tempted fate again. In my second interview here. I pretty much said that if The VA offered me something I'd run. Well? How the fuck was I supposed to know they'd call?? I can turn down offers from Comcare for this job, I can turn down offers from everyone else in town except the VA.

The worst part? The job that's open? Is not at all what I want to do. In fact, this position has had at least two people in as many years. It's one of the highest burnout rates in the system. But you know what happens to someone who burns out in the VA?? They transfer to a better position. So this job I don't want could turn into a great job I DO want.

If they offer it.
If I take it.

Maybe the interview will suck and I can stop thinking about it and settle in here for real. Oh who am I kidding?? After two years of bad, good things are finally starting to happen and with TOTALLY bad timing.