In Charge

We keep track of everything our clients do. Every mistake, every mood, every bad decision. I read these tracking logs every week, make my notes and move on... but what if someone followed me around making notes? How many things do I do that could be described as aggressive or self-injurious?

Just today I woke up late, refused breakfast, have had two cups of coffee and made the decision to blog rather than prepare for my meeting.
And last night at dinner I ate more bread than dinner.
I also chose not to go to sleep until after 1 AM.

I'm not saying we shouldn't keep track of stuff... but if you are tracking behavior you're going to find something to criticize. And these schedules? They include three meals a day at regular times, scheduled housekeeping and regular outings with friends. All of these are things I should be better about maintaining.
Who am I to be in charge of my own life???

My VA interview was two weeks ago and I haven't heard anything from them. See what happens when I get cocky? It's probably for the best... I do love my new job, and while the money and (lack of) distance was appealing the culture here is a good fit. I am disappointed though... I kept thinking about the money and short drive, but when I went to the interview we talked about the Vets and their needs; the barriers to treatment and ways around them, the increasing family needs, the differences between OEF/OIF Vets and Vietnam Vets. I know these guys and I love them and I hadn't realized how much I missed working with them.

My kinda-sorta date thingy got cancelled again last weekend. I was so relieved... I spent part of Friday thinking up reasons to call it off, so when he couldn't make it I was happy. Who did I think I was kidding anyway?? Dating. I don't have the energy or emotional resources to get to know someone. I'm not ready for any of that. If I had been ready for that after Jeff died I could have avoided all of the crap with what's his name. Relationships of convenience are rarely convenient, and I should have ended that relationship before it moved from inconvenient to Hindenburg. Seriously.

The trouble is that I am a creature of habit. And recognizing that something is a mistake has rarely stopped me before. This friend/more-than-friend thing is heating up a little bit - it's a slow simmer, but it's present. I'm going to see him next week. Just for lunch... There are a thousand reasons why I should avoid this. Put a stop to it now before anyone has anything invested. But the idea that someone is thinking about me at weird times during the day, that someone wants to say something just to make me smile or call just to hear my voice - that's hard to walk away from.

See? I should not be in charge of me.