Rain, Rain Don't Go Away!!

I was planning to make stew on Sunday, but I think I'm going to make Andie's Fabulous Soup instead. Then I can eat that all week for lunch. And Good Larry gave me some spicy basil from his garden - it's been drying all week and should be a nice addition to my soup.

And bread. Sunday I'll make some bread.
That Bad, Bad Man has a bread recipe that I haven't tried yet...

Oh it's going to smell SO good at my house on Sunday!! Of course, the weather is supposed to clear by then so it won't be a fabulous as it would have been, say, yesterday, when it only took a break from raining long enough to rain harder.

I am in the minority of people who want the rain to continue... I need to mow the yard and as long as it keeps raining I have an excuse not to.

Our Bean did not make call backs. She was very sad. It is possible that she still might be in the chorus, but she really wanted to be in the spotlight.
We talked about it and I told her to think about how much better it would feel over the next few years if she actually DID get a part - even a small one - now that she has felt this disappointment. She agreed and pointed out that she was trying out with 7th and 8th graders and she has 3 years of middle school tryouts ahead of her.
My kid is so cool. I also told her that I was proud of her for even trying out and that she should remember that there were a LOT of kids who couldn't even do that.

Poor Bean.

Sally and Andie and I went to see Burn After Reading last night. Holy cats it was funny! Brad Pitt's character is hilarious. (I think I'm finally starting to forgive him for leaving Jenn. I'm sure he will be relieved to hear that).
After the movie we went to Caffe Moderne for drinking and knitting and talking.

I love my friends.

Today I'm at work (in my pajamas) and due to an equipment malfunction I have to hang out for a few hours longer than usual. (Grrrrrrr). I also have to come in tomorrow morning for about 30 minutes. (Double grrrrrr).
But in between I will be at Twist!! Knitting and being in my pajamas and relaxing. (Yay friends!)
I was supposed to pack my lunch but I (shock of all shocks) woke up later than I planned and now I am lunch-less. Maybe the Bierock place is calling me!

But Denial is SO Much More Fun!

I knew it was coming.
I did.
I even thought about what I would do to prepare...
And then I would shop some more.

The milk and honey days of the student loan are over and once more I am left whimpering, clutching a few dollars in my fist.
I also got my first part-time paycheck last Friday.
That hurt.
So I am broke and feeling sort of anxious about it. I just have to get to November and all will be well once again. But will I ever learn to save and spend money in a moderate way?
(Probably not... and it's fun while it lasts!!)

Anyway, don't worry about me. I have my yarn stash to keep me warm!
Bean and I have been making a more concerted effort to eat at home and I have been taking my lunch to work. It's cheaper and healthier and I find that I am making much better decisions about snacking. Yay!
With this cooler, rainy weather (thanks, Ike) I am inspired to make soups and stews and all sorts of crock-pot goodness. And bread.
I am also inspired to sleep and read and knit. And sleep.

Bean tried out for the school play yesterday... and we find out today if she made call-backs or not. Fingers crossed!

Relationship Guru.

So I have a client... a walk-in this afternoon.
He has some intimacy issues and the PTSD specialist I consulted with this afternoon said that one of my goals for therapy should be to help this guy learn to trust relationships again.
Um. OK.
Sure.
Trust those relationships.
Yup.
I'm your girl for that one!
The relationship guru. That's me.

I leaned over the table and whispered, "Do I have to believe that to help him?"

Not, says the specialist, if I'm a good actor. But these guys can smell a lie like a fart in a car.

We'll see how this goes.

Wednesday

The B&B adventure was wonderful... we watched some movies and took pictures of sunflowers and sat in the hot tub until we were prune-y.
It was really hard to come back to reality.

But here I am. Between class and work and practicum I feel like I am running in a hundred different directions at once. My house is a mess and I haven't been to the grocery store and all I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep... Only 8 more months.

My head is killing me, but it's not one of my typical headaches. This is more like a cluster migraine. (Hi, please go away. I don't have time for you!)

One of the Veterans came in yesterday and spent 2 hours in our office... mostly spewing his brand of bullshit. (Narcisistic and Borderline, great fun). He would have talked all day if we'd let him. Today our supervisor told him we were busy and he couldn't come back and talk to us without an appointment so he waited until the supervisor was busy and then stormed into our office. At first he was fine, but the other student kept repeating that we had things that we were supposed to be doing and he needed an appointment. He started getting angry. That unreasonable anger that Bartleby was so good at.
We are supposed to be getting panic buttons in our office, but we don't have them yet.
The office manager came back and asked him to leave and he did, finally. The whole thing was pretty minor, all things considered, and I didn't feel like we were in immediate danger... but I was a little shaken anyway. Other than the idiot step-mother this is the first real anger I've seen in six months. (And she doesn't count. I'll take that bitch out).

So that's my week so far...

I am knitting the Ernie sweater - this time I started with the arms. Also, I am still working on my super secret project and the ever-present pink socks.

Rainy Days

This weather is my favorite. It's cool enough to need a sweater and it's rainy and dark - which makes me want to drink hot tea and knit and sleep. I should just move to Seattle and get it over with.

I was very productive yesterday! Andie gave me a to-do list at work and I got everything done!! I am a force of nature. I love this part-time stuff... and I like that on Fridays I am there all day. I can put everything off until the end of the week and then just attack the whole week at once.

Book club went well last night. There were mixed feelings about the book and mixed interpretations about the ambiguities involved. One woman did NOT like the book at all and couldn't imagine why I did - and then was surprised when I had good reasons I could back up with text. Um, Hi! I'm still an English major at heart. That is what we do.

I had such a bad headache though... all this pressure in my ears and behind my eyes. It was distracting and made it hard for me to even want to be there, so after dinner I took some ibuprofen and half a xanax. I felt a little better, but still made sure that the discussion didn't go past 9!

Then I went home and went right to bed. I was asleep before 10... but since nobody who knows me would ever think I'd be asleep that early my phone kept ringing. I hope I made sense. I haven't been asleep before midnight in a looooong time. Of course, I still overslept this morning, so I'm in my pajamas... I hope that my lunch dates don't mind! Sally and Andie and I are meeting for lunch. (Sally's home! Sally's home! Her mom and the kitties and I missed her terribly!!)

Then I'm going home to pack for my B&B adventure. We are both suffering from sinus issues... so we might just NyQuil up and sleep for two days - which is totally fine with me. It's sort of like what I would be doing at home, only with yummy breakfast and good company and no piles of clothes to step over on the way to the bathroom!

My Week...

Well hello, Friday! I missed you so much!!

And Bean, for the first time in weeks, is going to her dad's for the weekend... I love her more than anything in the world, but I feel like we've been attached at the hip! I know there will come a time when she doesn't want anything to do with me and I will miss this, but I really would just like some space! She tried to stay home tonight so she could go to the book club with me. I think she would be content to sit next to me all day, every day.
I think it's sweet in a way, but is this much attachment normal? Developmentally speaking? Is it just that we have a good relationship, or is it a residual effect of Bartleby?

Moving right along.

So book club tonight and I'm having lunch tomorrow with a friend who has been out of town. I have been "cat-sitting" for her, and also bringing in the mail. I did NOT snoop in the mail, but I did happen to notice this fabulous catalog and looked through it while Bean rolled around on the floor with the kitties. (And, S? I swear that's the ONLY thing I looked through!!) I want pretty much everything in that catalog. I want my whole life to look like that.

I just hope I feel better tomorrow than I do today. My allergies have been kicking my ass for the last week or so and a couple of days ago they started kicking my head, too. Right now there is so much pressure behind my eyes that I want to stick my head in a bucket of ice. Sinus infection, ugh. Dr. N gave me a Z-pack, so I should be feeling better any second now. (I love you, Z-pack).


I have been so busy (as evidenced by the lack of posting) but honestly there isn't anything to post. Work, school, VA, home, sleep, wash, rinse, repeat...
There has been some TV watching, mostly Bravo (did you see that Ricky Schroder's wife is on the new season of Top Design?) and Comedy Central. I have a refined television palette. Clearly. But I just LOVE to hate those little bastards on Million Dollar Listing and Project Runway is good this season (good-licious? God help me).

Last night I decided (sort of out of the blue) that I needed a Sam's Club membership... so Bean and I schlepped to Sam's and bought a new cell phone for Bean and a surprising amount of cheese. (Which is why I should never, ever, ever have a membership). But they had gouda and havarti!! Sliced!!! And also Laughing Cow wedges! And those little Baybel cheeses that are wrapped in wax.
I love cheese.
Sigh.
I really HAVE been taking my lunch to work a lot (especially on VA days) and good cheese makes a sandwich worth packing!! Or something.

Bean needed a new phone because hers fell into a glass of orange juice.
I probably would have been really pissed if I hadn't already done that.

Speaking of shopping, today I was poking around online and found something silly for that Bad, Bad Man... but I can't share until I give it to him. You never know when he's lurking around the blog. I would say that I will save it for his birthday, but you all know that I can't hold on to a gift for longer than it takes to stick a bow on it.

Well I'm off to the bookstore...

Family Fun (redux)

We're supposed to go to my parents' house this afternoon... for the youngest nephew's birthday and a Labor Day cookout. We have been talking about instituting a regular Sunday dinner - and in theory I am totally in favor - but in practice? Who knows.
My niece was over at the house last night to swim and she has NO idea who I am. Bean's step-brother was with us last night too, and she was LESS amazed that Bean had a brother that she had never met than that she had a MOM who was HER MOM'S sister.
That kind of freaks me out.

It would be nice to have one of those families where everyone gets along and we share our lives and, you know, have something in common. I just don't know if my family fits that model.

There are just too many minefields, too many misunderstandings. And then there's the filter... some of us just don't have the brain-to-mouth filter. We weren't born with it and rather than developing it over time we developed the skills to deal with the consequences.
And then we developed the ability to pretend that we weren't affected at all.
Something my mom said hit me the wrong way last night... I remind myself that she means well and probably had no idea that her comment was a direct hit... but I'm still shaken.
I laughed it off, of course, no good can come from admitting that particular exposed nerve... it was an observation on how different my life would be now if just one or two decisions had been different.
Decisions that I had no control over, by the way.
Decisions that someone else made.
Decisions that I had no control over that someone else made ten years ago.
For fuck's sake.

We all have those. Our lives are made up of a hundred million individual decisions that brought us from where we were to where we are. If one or two of ANY of those decisions were different it would alter everything around us. Basic systems theory.
Spending too much time unraveling those decisions to the "big one" and re-thinking consequences of changing our minds is pointless and enough to drive you crazy.
Bat shit crazy.
Shitstorm crazy.

So of course it made me sad. And of course it made it impossible to sleep. And of course it makes me want to not go today.

To make nice with my vacant sister and sit paired with my single uncle. Both of us bitter and lonely. Both of us irreparably damaged by marriage. Both of us just wanting to take a nap instead.