Crap.

I've been noticing that when things go wrong it's not always the last thing you did that caused it.
Like when you reach for a Kleenex and your back goes out.
Or you pick up an empty mug and the handle falls off and the mug hits the floor and breaks.
Or you joke with your mom about money and she freezes up and nothing you can say is going to be OK for awhile.

Me and my mommy.
Wow.
It takes so very little for our good humor to freeze over and for feelings to be hurt. And we can go months without incident and then something I say or do cancels everything out. And after 34 years of these patterns the precipitating event doesn't even have to be very big to cause extensive fallout. Maybe it's just this way with mothers and daughters...

I know the two things I said tonight to cause the shift in mood... but I don't know what came before them. What list of missteps I have made before tonight. Small things that on their own mean nothing, little grievances that have become a long list of wrongs.

It's exhausting. Really.

Will there be an actual confrontation? Or will I be able to make it up to her with good behavior? Was she just out of sorts tonight? Am I oversensitive because of my run in with whatshisname? (And what was THAT about anyway??)

For the second time today I am looking at one of my relationships thinking, "Why is this so complicated?" This business of loving me just seems unbearable to the people who have to do it. I really sort of feel sorry for them.

OK. That's one of those whine-y, pathetic things that I make fun of other people for writing. I'll stop.

Time for bed.