Birthday

Today is Jeff's birthday... he would have been 32.
Two years ago right now we were at a Cubs game and it gave me this big wave of hope that carried us through another couple of months.
Because he loved me... even if it wasn't enough to make a difference.

When I talk to Bean about it I remind her that he was happier with us - even at the end when he was altered - than he had been in the rest of his life. With us he was a husband and a father, two things he never thought he would be. And (in the beginning) he was funny and sweet and smart...

So for his birthday I thought I would do the thing that is always hardest for me... remember some of the good things.

1. When I couldn't sleep at night he would come in and curl up with me and rub my back and stroke my hair until I fell asleep.
2. Before my first KIP meeting I panicked and almost didn't go and he gave me a pep talk and made me take that first step.
3. I had no idea what a picky eater he was for a long time because when we were dating and I cooked for him he would try everything.
4. After my HSG he brought me home and put me to bed and then gave me lunch, Loritab and Ben and Jerry's Karmal Sutra. In that order.
5. During out pre-marriage counseling the pastor asked us about whether we were planning to have more kids. Before I could say anything he said, "It would be great, but we have an amazing daughter already."
6. He took care of his mom - doing her laundry and mowing her lawn and hauling things around for her. Even when she was horrible to him. Even at the end when it must have been painful for him to even walk.
7. He always made an effort to be sweet to Bean... even at the end.
8. The day we got married he stood on the other side of the wall from me and held my hand until it was time to start.

OK. That's all I can do today. I loved him, and losing him to his mental illness and alcoholism was the hardest, most horrible thing I have ever gone through. But I miss him. I miss the life we could have had - should have had.