Breathing

I finished Sing Them Home by Stephanie Kallos(9) this morning. It is well written and sad... and a lot of alienation - of the characters and the reader. Interesting. There are these bits of this eccentric small-town life that have Welsh roots and remain mysterious despite their constant recurrence - which makes the reader feel like an outsider.

It has been an emotional couple of weeks - and I find I'm not alone in this. People are flinging around all sorts of energy and nobody seems to know how to just settle down. Least of all me.

Headachey and restless and prone to tears... incapable of making rational decisions.
I find myself again in that place where I just want to raise my arms over my head and hope (hopehopehope) that someone saves me before I go under. There is nobody up there, ready to save me. I know that. And I am too invested to fail... so I will keep moving forward. I feel like I am not meeting any of the needs that are presented to me and I am (of course) failing everyone. Again.

In these times I remember the early days of Jeff. The tenderness and calm in him that seemed so limitless. I was so easily comforted, secured, repaired. He was so available to me. So sure. So willing to hold tight to me.

So it's no wonder that I flinch at kindness now, anticipating the inflated cost of everything good. (There is no plenty without loss, no boon without sacrifice, no perfection without misshape). I am terrified at the prospect of the one thing I need most of all: calm, consistent, reassuring comfort. Someone who does not need me to be strong every second of every day. Someone who will love me without hesitation.

I need these things (don't we all?) and I am terrified of these things... because what if it doesn't exist, and if it does exist how much does it cost?

Jeff was the only man whose love I never questioned. I knew exactly how he felt about me and I knew that it was not likely to change. The balance due on that kind of security was so much higher than I could ever have predicted. Much higher than I could afford.

Time to breathe.
It helps. And sometimes it's really all you can do.